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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move to mum if lockdown extended?

156 replies

LolaLollypop · 30/04/2020 10:49

I'm just asking for gentle opinions so please no bashing. I know everyone is struggling in their own ways on lockdown.

I've been in for the past 7 weeks with my toddler and 10 week old and DH (We all had colds/virus symptoms in early March so self isolated earlier than most).
It's been really, really tough managing the kids whilst DH WFH full time. I'm struggling with my toddler who has regressed massively in her behaviour. She usually spends 3 days at nursery and 2 with my mum so lockdown + new baby has been very tough for her.

AIBU to consider moving to my parents if Boris adds another 3 weeks on next Thursday? They're both 70 but in very good health. Both sets of households have been isolating - we've not seen anyone and have been doing 99% of our shopping online.

Could we all move as a family and do the remainder of lockdown from my mum's?

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 30/04/2020 15:04

As for the dickheads saying they looked after their children with no help, not during a lock down, with limited things to do mid pandemic, restricted on going out, you didn't.

RenegadeMrs · 30/04/2020 15:08

I'd go of you parents are happy to have you.

All those comments about 'free childcare' and 'just learn to look after your kids'... none of you had a newborn and a toddler when you can't leave the house for long or do even the mildest bit of socialisation to keep yourself going. I remember it well and I would have broken of not for my Mum, friends, ability to go for a drive, or go somewhere new for a change of secenary etc. All not avaible now. You are not being fair and definitely not comparing like with like.

RenegadeMrs · 30/04/2020 15:09

Err, I remember the newborn phase well, not having a todder and baby during lockdown! Whoops.

frockdestroyer · 30/04/2020 15:15

I don't think you need to explain yourself anymore OP.

Anyone with half a heart and a bit of empathy towards a mother to a newborn and toddler during a pandemic can see this is the best option for you. You know what is best for the family.

frockdestroyer · 30/04/2020 15:16

Was exactly my point @RenegadeMrs - well said

2bazookas · 30/04/2020 15:19

When a new baby arrives it is perfectly normal for Number 1 toddler to "regress", ( return to incontinence, want to be spoon fed, cry, demand constant attention, disrupt their previous all-night sleep pattern etc ). It's natural jealousy , anxiety and feeling left out because suddenly mummy has started spending hours holding, feeding, tending, loving and adoring another baby .

Nothing to do with covid or lockdown.

Darbs76 · 30/04/2020 15:22

Yes I’d go if your parents are happy with it. You might find new problems though, adults living together can get tricky.

DeeCeeCherry · 30/04/2020 15:25

I think you want to go for company, an extra pair of helping hands and diversion for your eldest. & That's an entirely good enough reason, you don't have to justify it to anybody. If your parents are happy with this then go for it. As long as you really have been totally self-isolating and won't be putting them at any risk. What about your husband? He's still WFH, bit much for him to uproot and live at someone else's, with more people in the house too. I couldn't work under those circumstances he'll need his own workspace & tools of work close to hand. Can't work out from your post whether he's coming with you or not.

ProtectAll · 30/04/2020 15:28

I have only skimmed through this, but if/when lockdown is extended I see nothing wrong with this at all. I remember the newborn and toddler phase well as DD2 was born a month before the school holidays and suddenly having the 2 sets of needs to deal with was quite hard and my mum stepped in lots, not as childcare but to offer DC1 and outlet.

Those days are long gone now and my adult DC moved backed from their rented student accommodation just before lock down. if they were slightly further on and had DC themselves I would welcome them moving in if that was what was best.

AllesAusLiebe · 30/04/2020 15:45

I'd do it, op. I only have 1 child and I'm really struggling with work and DH and I are fortunate enough to be able to work from home.

I also had pnd and would honestly say that anything you can do to help your state of mind is worth doing in my opinion. The risks to your wellbeing and mental health are worth a higher price than what others may say about breaking (pretty arbitrary) lockdown 'rules'.

PotterHarryWitch · 30/04/2020 16:02

Why can't your husband help with his kids?

ineedaholidaynow · 30/04/2020 16:02

So if they are an hour away you will be relying on the services near them. Are they sufficient for purpose? I live in an area where locals have been begging for others not to come to their second homes etc as there is only one hospital in the area, and we would be absolutely buggered if more people came to the area.

I can understand why you want to do this, but I would also consider how some families are already struggling to be cooped up together with very few places to go, without adding extra people into the household. I am sure it is lovely when you visit your family for the weekend, but it is not exactly going to be the same when you move in, for what could be weeks and very little escape, and your DH will need to have a space to work, will that add pressure to how people can move around the house.

DH is currently WFH and is set up in the kitchen as that has the best WIFI reception, but that means the kitchen is pretty much out of bounds for hours at a time.

PotterHarryWitch · 30/04/2020 16:10

My sisters got a pre schooler, toddler and is pregnant, due in a few weeks and lives in a flat with no garden. Love them, but no way would I live with them. I have 1 teen and could not deal with the noise. Aslong as your parents dont mind you all being there 24/7 why not 🤷🏻‍♀️

frockdestroyer · 30/04/2020 16:10

If she can move in then why can't she move out again if it does become unbearable?

@PotterHarryWitch I am sure he is helping as much as he can while also WFH - if he's working there is still a lot of hours in the day to feel overwhelmed. Trust me.

ineedaholidaynow · 30/04/2020 16:15

@frockdestroyer because we are not really meant to be moving around. I assume once they are there, they should really stay there, until lockdown rules are relaxed.

It's amazing how people in other countries seem to accept lockdown rules better than we do.

frockdestroyer · 30/04/2020 16:24

@ineedaholidaynow

Yes we aren't meant to be moving around but it's not unfeasible that they could try it and only move back if everyone was deeply unhappy with the new living situation. I wouldn't begrudge them that and force anyone to stay in a house where they are miserable - no one has said you have to do that.

I think for the most part people are accepting lockdown and following the rules. But there needs to be common sense and compassion shown towards those who are struggling.

Enough4me · 30/04/2020 16:27

It would be wrong to yo-yo back and forwards between GPs, but a planned stay for lockdown of three weeks would be allowed. Then if it was extended the decision would have to be whether to stay for the next X weeks or go back home. Thus, it isn't really a case of staying indefinitely, but making a clear decision for a planned lockdown period.

My DC yo-yo between two houses at weekends as I have a court order in place with their dad and the direction has been to continue for their benefit, unless a high-risk person lives at either address. I cannot prevent this as it's legally agreed and DCs want to continue as before.

Mamathebest · 30/04/2020 18:11

So many bitter and negative people on MN. I can only imagine many are unhappy and jealous. I moved into my mums a few weeks ago and it’s been so great! I can have the occasional break, love the adult company. My toddler is loving seeing more faces then just me or DH. He has a garden he can play in and everyone is helping out.

Defo do it! For the sake of your mental health. Nothing wrong with it at all and I haven’t seen any logical arguments against. I did have a nice laugh at “wanting childcare”. So what if she bloody did? Are all mums supposed to be some bloody martyr? I wouldn’t even second guess this if I had a newborn. And yes some grandparents love having their grandkids staying with them.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 30/04/2020 18:24

If your parents are happy and you think it would work the go for it.

There really are some nasty people on MN.

so funny ‘if it’s for childcare it’s ok but if it’s to make you happy no way!'

Happy? Why should anyone be happy during lockdown? Don't you know the idea is to be as miserable as possible? Well according to MN it is. ♟

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 30/04/2020 18:36

It's amazing how people in other countries seem to accept lockdown rules better than we do

I know. So many are happy to go against them it’s scary,

Yes it can be hard but it’s for the good of all. I couldn’t in good conscious go against the rules for personal gain.

moveandmove · 30/04/2020 19:13

I keep saying the same thing to dp. Why is it every other country manages to stick to guidelines and we don't?

ineedaholidaynow · 30/04/2020 19:24

When you think of Spain where children haven't been allowed outside for 6 weeks, which I just couldn't imagine coping with.

RedskyAtnight · 30/04/2020 19:27

Yes we aren't meant to be moving around but it's not unfeasible that they could try it and only move back if everyone was deeply unhappy with the new living situation.

Absolutely. It wouldn't matter at all that they were potentially moving infection from one place to another place an hour away. Or even that they were travelling for an hour. It's perfectly allowable under current guidelines that people move their households to and fro as suits them. ... oh, but actually it isn't. If OP moves, it should be on the basis that she stays there until lockdown restrictions are relaxed sufficiently to enable her to travel again. Which is why she needs to think very carefully and be absolutely sure that everyone involved understands the implications.

Alsohuman · 30/04/2020 19:46

Why is it every other country manages to stick to guidelines and we don't?

We do. Compliance has been way higher than expected and our half empty hospitals are testament to it.

ChicChicChicChiclana · 30/04/2020 19:58

Our half empty hospitals are testament to people not being admitted early enough.

Our shameful death rate is testament to that ^^