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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move to mum if lockdown extended?

156 replies

LolaLollypop · 30/04/2020 10:49

I'm just asking for gentle opinions so please no bashing. I know everyone is struggling in their own ways on lockdown.

I've been in for the past 7 weeks with my toddler and 10 week old and DH (We all had colds/virus symptoms in early March so self isolated earlier than most).
It's been really, really tough managing the kids whilst DH WFH full time. I'm struggling with my toddler who has regressed massively in her behaviour. She usually spends 3 days at nursery and 2 with my mum so lockdown + new baby has been very tough for her.

AIBU to consider moving to my parents if Boris adds another 3 weeks on next Thursday? They're both 70 but in very good health. Both sets of households have been isolating - we've not seen anyone and have been doing 99% of our shopping online.

Could we all move as a family and do the remainder of lockdown from my mum's?

OP posts:
Tentativesteps133 · 30/04/2020 13:01

I would if I was you, and your parents are happy with it.

Don't worry about the naysayers, some people on here seem to want everyone to be having as shitty a time as possible for some reason. You are allowed to move house. And those going on about free childcare mustn't have had the experience of a close family and grandparent/grandchild relationship.

BoxOfShapes · 30/04/2020 13:10

I am sure I would be feeling the same as you are.

This virus is taking people who are otherwise completely fit and well: age is a risk factor in itself. Being male also increases risk (re: your dad). Also if your parents are from BAME backgrounds that adds yet another level of risk (may or may not be relevant for you).

I'd make sure your parents truly understand all the above, and then completely isolate yourselves for at least a week before moving down (no shopping at all), remembering it's possible to be contagious and asymptomatic or presymptomatic.

Then, work out a way to drive to them without ever having to stop at service stations. Shewee/potties undignified but potentially necessary depending on journey length!

Good luck to you all and congratulations on the birth of your new baby Flowers

selfisolatingsince2007 · 30/04/2020 13:13

Also wondering if it's unreasonable. We're having a baby in 2-3 weeks and it's our first one, super nervous about having little to no extra support and my MIL offered for us to come and stay with them for a few weeks. They've been isolating as have we due to my pregnancy. Presumably if we jump in the car and go there and no where else it would be ok. Hospital is swabbing us for Covid at the birth as well. IMO, the risk is low. Feeling very conflicted!

Onone · 30/04/2020 13:13

Needs must,my mil had to move in with us as she had a stroke 4 weeks ago

SonjaMorgan · 30/04/2020 13:13

Putting your parents at risk because you can't cope with raising your DC is horrible. I think you need to be looking at ways of coping and setting some kind of routine.

sonjadog · 30/04/2020 13:14

I would go if I were you.

Hoggleludo · 30/04/2020 13:16

I've been in lockdown since the beginning of March with 2 kids and a dh who is wfh. We had sickness for 2 weeks and then then week before lockdown I pulled my kids out as I'm shielded. Then we're now nearly in may

My kids are slightly older. We've not even been outside for exercise.

It's hard. Really hard. But we've no choice to middle through. We can't go live with either sets of parents

Have you tried things like making board games or slime? Or play doh. Which you can make with flour salt and water. Very easy. Long baths? Water hose is a good one. Splashing in puddles in the rain.

KitKatKit · 30/04/2020 13:17

Some posters are totally lacking in both common sense and compassion here.
OP, if you've all been taking sensible measures 14 days prior to moving in with them, absolutely go for it.
The affect of lockdown on our mental health is massive and if living with your parents will make things even 5% easier for you all then just do it.

Etinox · 30/04/2020 13:17

You need to sit down and really, really think through the implications and factors which could heighten the risks. I’d consider...
•Parents’ weight and other vulnerabilities.
•Your impact on their services- how near is their nearest hospital? Would you be moving from an area with many cases to one with few?
•where would your husband work?
•have you spent extended periods of time together as 2 families? Now is not the time to realise that your mum finds your DH maddeningly noisy. I voted yanbu btw. I’d be very tempted. Flowers

june2007 · 30/04/2020 13:18

How does OH feel will it be less stressful for him? Should you really be travelling out of town?

Hobbesmanc · 30/04/2020 13:20

I think people don't always grasp the complexities of other peoples lives. Lots and lots of us are still having to work. And not just key workers. Guidelines clearly state that if you can't work from home then you can go to work. Employers can therefore expect staff to travel to work or not pay them. This is happening to hundreds of thousands of families.

Plus lots of staff who are working from home haven't got childcare options. Not every job can be done with kids in the background. Try coordinating care plans, putting in welfare calls as a duty SW or running a payroll deadline with the children around.

If the only option is to source childcare from a parent who isn't in the high risk group then that's the choice most would make. Walk in peoples shoes who are forced into making choices every morning and then judge

Purplepeonies · 30/04/2020 13:22

I get why you want to. I want to do the same. But how can you guarantee none of you have recently contracted the virus? Have none of you been to the supermarket or had any deliveries? I am staying very safe but still can't guarantee I haven't been in contact with it.

Glassmami · 30/04/2020 13:22

If I didn't have pets to consider I would move to my mums.

JKScot4 · 30/04/2020 13:26

I really don’t get these threads, 2 able bodied adults for 2 small kids, yes your DH is WFH which eliminates extra commuting time he’d be out yet you can’t manage because your toddler isn’t going to nursery/gran?
I don’t think you should merge households, they’re your kids learn to cope.

Alsohuman · 30/04/2020 13:26

If you were my daughter I’d welcome you with open arms. It sounds the best solution for all of you. If this goes on for much longer the damage caused by lockdown will be greater than that caused by the virus.

Mascotte · 30/04/2020 13:27

@velocitygirl7 I wonder this too, it’s full of just horrible, cruel posts to people who are struggling for good reason.

@LolaLollypop I think it sounds a really sensible idea. With absolutely minimal risk and might cheer you all up. Your situation sounds really hard- I remember those years and really feel for those of you not able to get out every day or get a break. Go for it.

heartsonacake · 30/04/2020 13:27

YABU. You would be putting on your parents and they would feel obligated to say yes.

You can cope; they’re your kids. You’re saying you’re not going for childcare but you would be, you’re just trying to hide it under the disguise of “help”.

80sMum · 30/04/2020 13:28

I think the biggest problems you have, OP, are having to keep a toddler away from her daddy while he's WFH and trying at the same time to look after a tiny baby. That can't be easy and I absolutely understand why you feel the need for your mum to be with you, even if just for some company and someone to talk to during the day.

I think, if your parents agree, then yes you should be with them. If your DH comes with you, in a way you're bringing the problem with you, so to speak. But of course if he remains in the flat on his own it could be several more weeks before you can be together again. So not an easy decision.

JustSew · 30/04/2020 13:31

MN is the wrong place to ask.
You should do what you need to do. If you were my DD I'd say come tomorrow.
In fact I'm thinking of letting adult DD move in with us. She is living alone in a tiny flat working from home and is really struggling with anxiety.

Cakeandslippers · 30/04/2020 13:31

I would. I'm due my second in June and my mum will be moving in with us for a while. I'm not sure why so many people seem to raise this as a childcare issue, who cares! If you, your partner and parents are all happy with the arrangement, why not? It is allowed. Life is hard, get the help you need, I'm not sure why people on this forum are so negative and judgey, maybe they are bitter they haven't got the support you have or something? Good luck x

MissHoskins · 30/04/2020 13:31

@Mikki2019
Not just the one dementor ♟♟there's a few on this thread.
Op, I would just go ahead and make the move, just ignore all the spiteful posters that are trying to make you feel even worse.
It's about doing what's best for you and your family, this includes your Mum and Dad.
Wishing you the best

Ifeel1000yearsold · 30/04/2020 13:32

I wouldn’t. I’m a single parent with 3 kids. It’s bloody hard work. I’m knackered. My mum is 70 and I wouldn’t put her at risk.

Mulhollandmagoo · 30/04/2020 13:36

A ten week old and a toddler in a small flat sounds rough OP so I don't blame you at all. I was nearing the end of my maternity leave as we went into lockdown and I was furloughed immediately and my husband is working from home upstairs in our spare room, I've found it lonelier with him being here but locked away all day. I think you should go to your mum's if you can do it in such a way that it is safe for everyone and everyone is happy with it, 10 weeks post partum is hefty hormonally and I would worry about potential PND if this situation is putting lots of pressure on you Flowers

Brainfogmcfogface · 30/04/2020 13:38

You’re all adults, you’re all aware of the risks, if you are all comfortable to do it then that’s your decision. I’d love the option, single mum to two (under 5), in a flat, no outside space, no parents to help/move to, no family, if someone said they’d take us I’d be there like a shot, I’m sick of the sound of my own voice and thoughts at the moment.

BigChocFrenzy · 30/04/2020 13:39

"Speaking as a grandmother.....

I know I don’t have the energy levels to have 4 people move in 24/7.
If my son asked if they could move in I would struggle to say no, but deep in my heart I know it wouldn’t work.
There is a massive difference between looking forward to having the GC over for a few hours/day/night/weekend than having your home taken over indefinitely.

By asking if you can all move in I feel you will be putting your parents in an impossible situation"

^^This

It would be much easier for you,
but could be very tough on your parents
Very different if they were in their 50s, when I'd say go for it

Also, are you planning to fully^ pay the extra in te bills for water, electricity, food etc ?
Because subsidising another whole family for weeks would also be a strain for most people

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