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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move to mum if lockdown extended?

156 replies

LolaLollypop · 30/04/2020 10:49

I'm just asking for gentle opinions so please no bashing. I know everyone is struggling in their own ways on lockdown.

I've been in for the past 7 weeks with my toddler and 10 week old and DH (We all had colds/virus symptoms in early March so self isolated earlier than most).
It's been really, really tough managing the kids whilst DH WFH full time. I'm struggling with my toddler who has regressed massively in her behaviour. She usually spends 3 days at nursery and 2 with my mum so lockdown + new baby has been very tough for her.

AIBU to consider moving to my parents if Boris adds another 3 weeks on next Thursday? They're both 70 but in very good health. Both sets of households have been isolating - we've not seen anyone and have been doing 99% of our shopping online.

Could we all move as a family and do the remainder of lockdown from my mum's?

OP posts:
JustStayHome · 30/04/2020 14:17

But dies sound like your mums could be a better option for all of you

JustStayHome · 30/04/2020 14:19

There is nothing wrong with wanting extra hands and help.

If you and your children will be happier and noone has had contact with anyone. Then yes, go and ignore people being horrible

All this site is about recently is being being horrible and making the op feel like shit.
Its not on

BigChocFrenzy · 30/04/2020 14:21

"I don't think this is the case. It wouldnt be too out of the ordinary to what they're already used to."

It would be out of the ordinary, because it would be far more longterm, not just visiting for a few days

Despite your attempts to justify the move, it is very different having a family of 4 living with you 24/7, without time limit,
even family you love

Enough4me · 30/04/2020 14:24

I would do it as the adults all equally agree and as you have all been sensibly distancing anyhow.

My partner of 18 months moved in with me when the first extension was announced. He couldn't initially as I was isolating with DC prior to lockdown as I had symptoms. For those thinking I should have waited indefinitely because other people's partners are away with the forces: tough. I don't have a partner in the forces and I am working, studying with two children who were also missing him and who now benefit as we are all happier.

Adults need to discuss and merge self-isolated household when the benefits outweigh the risks.

ineedaholidaynow · 30/04/2020 14:26

What does your DH think of this arrangement? Your DM is obviously very involved in your life, would he find it stifling? This could be for a very long time. I assume as your DM usually looks after your daughter on a weekly basis you don't live too far away, but would you be moving too far away from your own doctor/hospital?

We live quite rurally, if lots of people did what you are planning, the local shops here couldn't cope with extra food required, the local doctor's surgery definitely couldn't cope. There is only one hospital in the area, so extra people moving here would put extra strain on that.

Ponoka7 · 30/04/2020 14:27

@BabyTeacherBear
"Does no one understand 'don't mix households'?"

The guidance is going to be more flexible. Lock down means that non essential businesses can't open and workers we forved to go into work. It means transport won't be packed and motorways full. As well as everything else lock down will still mean.

But circumstances like the OP's will start to be allowed. Other countries have got Nurseries back in and are allowing contact between GPS and GCs. Otherwise many people are never going to recover.

Children need to see people communicating, interacting etc. Older people need contact.

There's a big risk to the over 70's, but now we aren't overwhelmed i think it's a matter of personal choice. It's nice to see older celebrities, Angela Rippon being the organiser of this, who are sticking up for the freedom for the over 65's. I'm sure there's many over 70's who are increasingly wondering if a few extra years in solitary confinement is worth it.

1forAll74 · 30/04/2020 14:28

I would not do this, but if you think it would be ok , and have weighed up all the ins and outs of this situation, then just go to your parents house.

I personally, think that you have to be more stoical when faced with extreme,or what you consider to be a depressing and awful situation at home, as in just sit it out, and get on with things.

Topseyt · 30/04/2020 14:28

All you want is free childcare. If you can't look after your children, don't have them (radical, I know...)

Only an arse who has had an empathy bypass would say that.

OP, you must do as you see fit. If your parents are happy to allow you to move in with them for the rest of lockdown then do that, if it will help keep you sane.

frockdestroyer · 30/04/2020 14:28

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I don't think it's fair to say her DH can provide more company. My DH is WFH and I have a newborn and a 4yo. Yes occasionally he can hold baby for a sec while I go to the loo and we have a quick lunch together but for the rest of the day he is on video calls and working on projects. That leaves many hours during the rest of the day where I do feel lonely and desperate for adult interaction. If I was on normal maternity leave I would be able to go to baby groups and meet with friends/family but I can't. Yes everyone is missing out on those things but for a new mum it's a really shit thing to lose when it's the only thing keeping your sanity together.

MamaPip · 30/04/2020 14:30

Totally understand we haven’t seen anyone in 7 weeks as my two year old caught a vomiting bug then cold before restrictions started. . I have a 15 week old with reflux and a 2.5 year old . My husband works 13 hour days and I’m on my own it is so lonely and chaotic. Both are families are 2.5 hours and 3.5 hours away so we wouldn’t be able to get to them with the current restrictions in Ireland .

If I had half a chance to I would move in with family in a heart beat .

Original poster
LolaLollypop · 30/04/2020 14:32

Would you have moved normally into hers whilst on maternity leave as there were now two children?

I wouldnt have moved in but I would have spent a lot of time there.

It would be a big change for everyone of course and everyone would have to be on board. But is it better than a miserable, bored toddler, tired and emotional mum with a new baby and DH frantically working 9-6 and trying to help with childcare too? If my parents are happy for us to come we'd have to weigh it all up.

OP posts:
worriedmama1980 · 30/04/2020 14:32

I think go for it.

We ended up staying with in-laws for four months while I was on mat leave due to house renovations and the difference it made was huge. Its not about handing over your children or expecting childcare: for me the difference in being able to go have a shower while they watched a crawling baby and finished their breakfast was transformative. We were desperate not to impose, and I went out to groups and the shops lots so we weren't under their feet, but the reality was with relatively little effort on their part my life was made a million times easier. Taking their grandchild for an hour a couple of times a week when we'd had a particularly bad night so I could go back to bed was the difference between me feeling like a zombie or being able to engage.

We're currently watching a toddler and both WFH, and we're close to breaking point: working six days a week, working early and late to cover our hours. All this 'surely you should be able to watch your own children' stuff is bitter nonsense. In pretty much all other circumstances, you would have the option of going to a play group, or meeting another mother for coffee, even if you didn't have any external childcare support or a supportive family. We've never had grandparents do childcare, we pay for full-time childcare, but that doesn't mean they don't still love to spend time together and everyone isn't missing each other like crazy.

The one thing I would do is think seriously about supermarket visits. I would be v v careful about bringing anything into the house. But other than that worry, in the situation you're in, I think its the most sensible solution.

Original poster
LolaLollypop · 30/04/2020 14:32

They're about a 1hr drive away FYI

OP posts:
CeibaTree · 30/04/2020 14:35

I would go if I were you - but just admit it's for help with the DC :)

Freethefrogs · 30/04/2020 14:35

I'll be doing the same. My mum is only 55 though.

Original poster
LolaLollypop · 30/04/2020 14:37

I would go if I were you - but just admit it's for help with the DC

I have!! Absolutely hoping my mum can give me a hand with the kids...

OP posts:
TeensArghhhh · 30/04/2020 14:38

Despite your attempts to justify the move, it is very different having a family of 4 living with you 24/7, without time limit,
even family you love

This ^

My DGC are 2 years and 5 months. Both their parents are WFH at the moment. I usually have DGC twice a week and they go to their other GP’s twice a week while their parents work. They alternate between here and other GP’s for Sunday roast.

They, frequently, spent weekends here and all come for a week over Christmas. The difference is we all know how long they will be spending here and can gear up for it - and recharge our batteries when they leave.

The difficulty comes when two people, used to their own routine, are expected to happily have their home invaded by two extra adults and two very young children - indefinitely. OP you will have your own routine geared around your children. Your parents will also have their own routine, which is significantly more orderly and quiet.

You seem very set on stating how it will be better for you and DD. Have you given thought to how it will affect your parents and their physical and mental health?

I wouldn’t relish my son, his wife and two young GC moving in indefinitely. I wish to maintain an excellent relationship with them after lockdown ends.

AlternativePerspective · 30/04/2020 14:38

What does your DH think? I can just imagine the thread if someone posted here that their dh wanted them to all move in with his parents because he missed his mum.

On the face of it I can see where you’re coming from but tbh most people are in the same situation.It would have been better if you’d moved in there from the start.

Before we went into lockdown me and my parents seriously considered me moving down there for the duration of any lockdown, but I have a serious heart condition and all my hospital care is here and I wouldn’t want to fall ill at my parents’ with no idea as to how things would pan out as the major heart unit is 60 miles away from them

CeibaTree · 30/04/2020 14:42

I have!! Absolutely hoping my mum can give me a hand with the kids...
Good for you then, I'd love to be able to do that (no living parents), ignore all the covid-dementors who want everyone to have as miserable time as possible in lockdown!

WhentheRabbitsWentWild · 30/04/2020 14:43

What a spiteful thing to say @BabyTeacherBear

RainMustFall · 30/04/2020 14:45

I think it's ok if the offer comes from your parents rather than you suggesting it. Looking after a toddler one day a week is massively different to having four bodies moving into your house 24/7. I am in my 70s and would hate it, no matter how much I loved them. I also wonder how enthusiastic your DH is to move in with his in-laws.

Original poster
LolaLollypop · 30/04/2020 14:47

The difficulty comes when two people, used to their own routine, are expected to happily have their home invaded by two extra adults and two very young children - indefinitely

Not expected at all. If they don't want us there I wouldn't persevere with it. It's such a crazy time at the moment, I don't blame anyone for being extra risk-averse.

I'm not saying it would be all hunky sort if we did move in. Of course it would have it's challenges, but we'd have to weigh up whether those challenges of living together as a 6 are worse than living apart. I know my parents are very bored atm and are desperate to see us all. Whether the risk of merging households is too much for them, I don't know, I haven't asked this question to them yet.

DH and I need to have the discussion too. He's always more than happy to spend time at my parents but yes, for weeks on end would need more thought, especially as he'll be working. Although he'd have much more space at my parents than in our 2 bed flat!

OP posts:
Violetparis · 30/04/2020 14:52

I thinknif your parents have suggested it then go ahead, if they haven't I think it's a big ask from you. We may be living like this for months.

Nettleskeins · 30/04/2020 14:52

Yes, go for it.

lalafafa · 30/04/2020 15:00

I’d leave your DH at home and go to your parents for a week.

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