To move to mum if lockdown extended?

[LolaLollypop]

I'm just asking for gentle opinions so please no bashing. I know everyone is struggling in their own ways on lockdown.

I've been in for the past 7 weeks with my toddler and 10 week old and DH (We all had colds/virus symptoms in early March so self isolated earlier than most).
It's been really, really tough managing the kids whilst DH WFH full time. I'm struggling with my toddler who has regressed massively in her behaviour. She usually spends 3 days at nursery and 2 with my mum so lockdown + new baby has been very tough for her.

AIBU to consider moving to my parents if Boris adds another 3 weeks on next Thursday? They're both 70 but in very good health. Both sets of households have been isolating - we've not seen anyone and have been doing 99% of our shopping online.

Could we all move as a family and do the remainder of lockdown from my mum's?

Myself and my two year old have moved in with my parents this morning. DP and I both key workers working from home and it has been a nightmare. We have all been self isolating since before lockdown, no one has been out and all shopping delivered. DP agreed, he has a high pressure job and can now concentrate on this. He is going to come and join us here in two weeks. Parents are over the moon to see grandson and I have managed to do more work this morning than for the last couple weeks. I think if people are being careful and assessing all the risks then I think it is ok

If the only option is to source childcare from a parent who isn't in the high risk group then that's the choice most would make.

But OP is not working - she doesn't need childcare.

I think people are less than sympathetic because many of us have looked after babies and toddlers with no outside help and, yes, it's difficult but it's doable. And equally there are many people who are currently actually working themselves and still having to juggle looking after small children.

However if OP's parents' house is large enough to accommodate everyone for an unspecified length of time, all parties (including the parents and DH) are genuinely happy with the arrangement, and OP is sure this won't be further upsetting her already disrupted toddler (as well as moving houses, will he think he's being pushed out if Grandma looks after him while Mum spends more time with the baby?) then she should go for it, probably looking to properly isolate both households before the move is made.

What she shouldn't do, is move because she's finding things tough, only to end up moving back again in 4 weeks time.

How big is their house? How many bedrooms? How big is their garden?

Not being snippy, but you're talking about tripling the number of people in their home. A baby who most likely still wakes more than once during the night, a toddler who is probably bursting with energy. And a man who will need privacy and quiet to WFH. Will there be sufficient room and is there a big enough garden for your toddler to run around?

It could be even more stressful if there isn't sufficient room for you all to be able to 'get away' from each other.

*"Speaking as a grandmother.....

I know I don’t have the energy levels to have 4 people move in 24/7.
If my son asked if they could move in I would struggle to say no, but deep in my heart I know it wouldn’t work.
There is a massive difference between looking forward to having the GC over for a few hours/day/night/weekend than having your home taken over indefinitely.

By asking if you can all move in I feel you will be putting your parents in an impossible situation"

^^This*

This too. I wouldn't welcome my DD + family with open arms, I'm afraid. It's clear you are looking for Mum to spend her days helping you with the children, chatting to you, giving you a break from baby/toddler. I'm in my 50s and don't have the energy or inclination for this. It would be my idea of hell.

Come and visit for a weekend (outside of pandemic, obviously). Don't move in and expect me to share the care of the children. I don't want to spend my days like that any longer. My child rearing days are long in the past.

It depends on your parents, and whether you genuinely believe they can cope with this arrangement 24 hours a day, for an indefinite period - this may last a very long time.

Also how they feel about the small risk of you arriving there from a different household. I would think very carefully and probably sound them out in principle first, don't ask them directly, but something along the lines of ' Do you think it is difficult for grandparents to have their extended family livng with them during lockdown, or do you think the grandparents would love the company?' listen carefully, very carefully to her answer. If she said it is something that she would love, and other gps would too, then ask her discus with her directly your idea. If she raises any kind of objection then you have your answer.

In principle it is safe, but I would tread carefully

YANBU
If your parents are genuinely ok to have you, I would go. It sounds as though your dds mental health is being affected and you have the ability to do something about this. She could also perhaps fall under a vulnerable person. The mixing households edict as far as I’m concerned doesn’t apply if you’ve all been isolating for more than a fortnight.

Just do it

@MissHoskins so funny ‘if it’s for childcare it’s ok but if it’s to make you happy no way !’

OMG some deeply weird people!

I would welcome my family knowing that they really have stuck strictly to the lockdown. If this goes on for many months with older people it makes sense. You do need space for both families though.

No way. Would your parents cope with the added stress of an over active toddler? I also have a three year old and a one year old so know how painful it is at the mo. We have about ten tantrums a day but I wouldn't inflict that on my parents. I know it is difficult and I have every sympathy for you but your parents are 70 and having them overnight is very different to a day.

My partner is going to move in with me if this lockdown is extended as no way can we do another 3 weeks without seeing each other

Aren't you lucky that your partner isn't in the armed forces and away for months on end. Don't be so silly. Thirty years ago you wouldn't have had Skype or Facetime, sixty years ago you probably wouldn't have had a phone.

I did it. My son and I have been living with my Mum and Stepdad for 3 weeks now. As long as you're currently healthy and they're currently healthy, then go for it BUT make sure you won't change your mind in a week or two, and with more in the household you just have to be extra careful about social distancing when going out for a walk or to the shops.

My Mum suggested it, and was completely prepared to look after my son whilst I work (not a key worker, but essential to my organisation and able to work from home) as there was no way I could have had my son and worked from home.

Is your husband prepared to live at your parents' house for potentially another 2 or 3 months? Maybe more... It's a big decision, and something all parties have to agree to.

In my opinion YANBU at all and, in fact, I have done what you are suggesting. I moved in with my parents on Sunday. I have a 2 year old and an 11 week old and, quite frankly, I have really struggled mentally and needed/wanted some support (which was being offered with open arms). My DH works 12 hour shifts (including nights) and so life for me has been quite full on. You, me and many other new mums will be struggling, and you shouldn't be made to feel guilty by others for admitting you need some respite. If we can get the help, we should take it so that we can be the best parents we can be.

I moved without my DH so it wasn't a decision made lightly. But he wanted me to put my mental health first (he's seen many a breakdown recently). We put a plan in place whereby my DH took some time off work, long enough to ensure he wasn't showing symptoms, and then we moved.

Do what you need to do OP for you, your kids and hubby. Good luck and good health.

If your parents are OK with it I don't see why not.

Thirty years ago you wouldn't have had Skype or Facetime, sixty years ago you probably wouldn't have had a phone

What does that have to do with anything?

Just because things were hard 60 years ago, doesn't mean they have to be just as hard now!

People are allowed to move in with their partners - Boris specifically set it out in lockdown instructions so partners who lived apart didn't have to go weeks on end without seeing each other.

Aren't you lucky that your partner isn't in the armed forces and away for months on end.

There's a reason many of us wouldn't choose to have a relationship with someone in the armed forces or any other role that took them away from home for months on end. Trying to pretend that a choice to be with someone who was often not there is the same as an enforced separation from someone you usually see regularly is daft.

Thanks for all the comments (going to ignore the mean ones!).

My family and I are very close. We frequently decamp at my mum's in normal times for a few days (Christmas, birthdays etc). My mum is very involved with me and my children. She was at both their births and looks after my daughter 1 day a week - she loves doing this, it's not a case of me burdening her. She takes DD to playgroup and meets up with her own friends and their grandchildren. It's always been our agreement since I had my DD and my mum knows she can always cancel if she has other plans etc. No pressure from my side.

My DD has her own room at my mum's, complete with her "new bed" (which she loves and is missing!) Plus more toys and a bigger garden to play in. Sufficient room for us all to live there (me, DH and baby would be in my childhood room).

So for the comments about burdening my mum or upsetting DD even more, I don't think this is the case. It wouldnt be too out of the ordinary to what they're already used to.

As for the childcare/help comments... I mean.. does it matter? I'm hoping my mum can hold the baby for a bit whilst I nap/shower, or take DD to the park for a run around whilst I spend time with baby DS - something I haven't done much of since he was born . I'd like some adult chat.. basically just to have a break for a little while! Whether this all counts as childcare or help.. who knows!

It will always be their decision as even though we have been observing distancing for 7 weeks now, there is always an element of risk - a delivery or someone in the park etc. Very tiny but I would speak to my parents and see how they feel.

And finally... I can cope, I will cope, because nobody has a choice but to cope. I'm pretty sure nobody with kids ever expected they'd be confined to their homes for weeks on end without seeing anyone.

If both households have self isolated then it shouldn’t be an issue provided you continue to self isolate after moving in with them. It doesn’t matter how healthy they are, their age automatically means they’re a high risk.

Is there a reason why you've all been self isolating for seven weeks. If not and putting aside the question of moving to your parents, it would probably benefit your DD greatly going out every day, whether for a walk, skip along the pavement, kicking up the dried grass (as I saw a little one doing the other day). As well as the exercise, looking at things as you pass can be stimulating. It'd probably do you good as well.

If they are happy to have you, then go for it! It sounds like they have the space and you could use a bit of help and company. I don’t know why some people are so set on making sure everyone is as miserable as possible (some pp’s). You wouldn’t be doing anything wrong, you’re allowed to combine households.

Well said @LolaLollypop !!!

I think it's unfair people were suggesting you would be a burden when they had no idea about your situation. Your set up and relationship with your mum sounds just like mine. There's no way my mum would see us as a burden - in fact she's been asking how soon we will come and move in once restrictions are relaxed. I'm sure it will bring as much joy and comfort to your mum as it will for you and your DC.

Go for it and be happy. You've helped me make up my mind that it's the right decision for me as well. Having a newborn is hard at the best of times and sometimes you just need your mum.

@frockdestroyer thank you I hope you're doing ok with your little ones too!

@ifonly4 sorry, I meant we've been observing distancing for 7 weeks. We're not isolating. I take both kids out for a walk every day. It definitely helps.

Can your parents come to you?

A little less stress for your toddler.

Sorry- Just read you last post.

I would only go if both households have been completely inside with no visitors for 2 weeks and you can drive there.

If not, no

I wouldn’t. Would you have moved normally into hers whilst on maternity leave as there were now two children?

Your DH is very lucky to be able to WFH and limit the health risks and is there for company more probably as no travel to work time, lunch etc.

Breaking the rules because you want extra hands more than the two adults already present is what it boils down too.