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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my partner to not drink while he's looking after my daughter?

120 replies

Avvie87 · 29/04/2020 22:29

So there has been an ongoing discussion regarding his alcohol and cannabis dependency.. I did used to smoke occasionally with him, or have the odd drink on an evening when my 10 year old was asleep, but now I've decided personally to totally abstain whilst my daughter is at home. I work a few days a week, and sleep over at the houses I work out, leaving him in charge of my daughter, I've said to him I don't want him drinking a bottle of wine every night I'm gone, like he was doing.. "because he missed me" so now he's trying to make a bottle last the two nights I'm gone. I would prefer that he just didn't drink while I'm away, in case there was an emergency etc, but he just thinks I'm being unreasonable. Help :(

OP posts:
Puddlejuice · 29/04/2020 22:32

Is he her dad?
I totally agree, an adult in sloe charge of a child should not be drunk or stoned, although lots on here disagree.

EmeraldShamrock · 29/04/2020 22:34

Is he getting stoned too? How long are you together. I take it he is not her father I would never allow this.

NailsNeedDoing · 29/04/2020 22:34

So you used to do exactly the same thing, but now you’ve decided you don’t like it anymore you don’t want him to do it either? Even when he’s already cut down at your request?

LouiseTrees · 29/04/2020 22:35

I assume you are something like a nanny or a carer or something. You may want to clarify that and also that your partner lives with you before the tangent posts. He definitely shouldn’t drinking but in case he does even after you’ve asked then you need to get an emergency list together for your daughter and talk her through it, what to do if she smells gas , if there is a fire etc. Obviously if she is unconscious then there would be a problem if he is drunk but failing that at 10 it’s worthwhile telling her what to do in the case of emergency so as to make sure that whatever the emergency is she is prepared.

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 29/04/2020 22:36

Fuck sake.

MintyMabel · 29/04/2020 22:40

I agree with you OP, he should stop. There should always be a sober adult looking after a child.

So you used to do exactly the same thing, but now you’ve decided you don’t like it anymore you don’t want him to do it either?

What’s wrong with that? When you realise something is a bad idea and you stop doing it for the sake of a child, seems foolish not to expect another adult to take the same action.

welshweasel · 29/04/2020 22:41

Only on mumsnet do people give up drinking the moment they have kids. Back in the real world it’s entirely acceptable to have a few drinks whilst parenting. In a proper emergency you’d call a taxi or ambulance. What do you think people who don’t drive do? Obviously he shouldn’t be getting drunk or stoned but a couple of glasses of wine is totally reasonable .

ScarfLadysBag · 29/04/2020 22:44

A whole bottle of wine is excessive though when you're in sole charge of a child. These threads are never about someone who has a healthy relationship with alcohol having a glass of wine once a night.

If he has issues with alcohol generally, which it sounds like, then I think you're right not to want him to drink at all if he is unable to control himself around it. There's a difference between someone who can have a glass of wine and that's it and someone who has a glass of wine and is then compelled to finish the whole bottle.

CodenameVillanelle · 29/04/2020 22:48

Half a bottle of wine is ok. A whole bottle is too much.
But if he has problems with alcohol he's not likely to stop after 2 glasses just because he should.

Ginger1982 · 29/04/2020 22:51

Leaving someone who has a problem with alcohol and smokes cannabis overnight with your 10 year old? Errr...it's no from me! You're her parent! Tell him to stop or get him out.

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 29/04/2020 22:54

Op says he has alcohol and cannabis dependency. This is a bit more than someone having a glass of wine in the evening.

PerfectPenquins · 29/04/2020 22:59

Personally I have no more than one drink and I dont do any drugs. I'm a single parent I couldn't afford a taxi in this rural area even in an emergency so I need to be able to drive if necessary. It's not really a hardship tbh. Try explaining to him again and having a discussion to see if you can both come to an agreement and if he won't then he needs to come up with an emergency plan and have the cash stashed for a taxi that is not touched for in case of emergency that dosnt warrant an ambulance.

MoonBaby1 · 29/04/2020 23:02

I’d cut him some slack depending on what he’s like tolerance wise. If he can handle half a bottle and say 3 spliffs and she’s going to bed around then I think it’s fine. If he’s a lightweight and fucked on that then no.

Original poster
Avvie87 · 29/04/2020 23:02

Thank you, everyone so far. I should add as I didn't make it clear, I don't smoke cannabis myself anymore at all even when my daughter isn't at home, it just doesn't appeal anymore. He says "you knew what I was like when you got with me" but I can't help that I'm changing, for the better in my opinion. And if he can't agree to stay sober for a couple of nights a week for his family's sake then I don't know 🤦 also, he is not her birth father, but they adore each other.

OP posts:
Dazedandconfusedpart2 · 29/04/2020 23:04

I voted YABU. It's not ok to knowingly leave your child under the care of someone who's incapable of being a responsible adult due to alcohol/substance use.

One or two drinks is probably ok but your post implies that he wouldn't stop at that amount.

ConnieDoodle · 29/04/2020 23:05

How long have you been together?

1FootInTheRave · 29/04/2020 23:07

Sounds a real catch.

Ffs. Put your bloody kid first.

DartmoorChef · 29/04/2020 23:08

This is a 10yr old, not 10 months. Really dont see a problem here if she's in bed.

LochJessMonster · 29/04/2020 23:08

Imagine something did happen and the police/SS found out he has drunk a bottle
of wine whilst in sole charge of a child.
Would you be happy to defend that choice to a judge?

FortunesFave · 29/04/2020 23:09

If you're not even comfortable telling him this, then WHY are you leaving him in charge of your CHILD???

lunar1 · 29/04/2020 23:10

I wouldn't leave my child with someone who would drink a bottle of wine while she's in his sole care.

AnPo · 29/04/2020 23:13

Also curious as to how long you are together? This is fairly horrendous to my mind...

Timeslikethese2020 · 29/04/2020 23:15

Is he also smoking weed while he’s looking after her?

Original poster
Avvie87 · 29/04/2020 23:16

He didn't drink a bottle while he was in charge of her, they were the nights I was at work and she was at her dad's, I told him that that will NOT be happening when she is home.

OP posts:
Glitteryone · 29/04/2020 23:16

A bottle is approximately 3 glasses. Not exactly enough to be blind drunk. I can’t see an issue if it’s genuinely one bottle on an evening.