Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To ask my partner to not drink while he's looking after my daughter?

120 replies

Avvie87 · 29/04/2020 22:29

So there has been an ongoing discussion regarding his alcohol and cannabis dependency.. I did used to smoke occasionally with him, or have the odd drink on an evening when my 10 year old was asleep, but now I've decided personally to totally abstain whilst my daughter is at home. I work a few days a week, and sleep over at the houses I work out, leaving him in charge of my daughter, I've said to him I don't want him drinking a bottle of wine every night I'm gone, like he was doing.. "because he missed me" so now he's trying to make a bottle last the two nights I'm gone. I would prefer that he just didn't drink while I'm away, in case there was an emergency etc, but he just thinks I'm being unreasonable. Help :(

OP posts:

quarantinevibes · 30/04/2020 00:07

Yanbu at all. I’d never allow this. How long have you been together?

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 30/04/2020 00:11

Why would any sane individual bring an alcohol and drug dependant person to live with their child?

BackseatCookers · 30/04/2020 00:17

Definitely worth you reading up on codependency, it sounds very relevant. Please be careful. You're at different stages of reducing / stopping drink and drug related behaviour which will make him much needier at the moment. This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship based on the information you've given. You have a child, don't end up mothering / enabling your boyfriend through codependence too.

To ask my partner to not drink while he's looking after my daughter?

Original poster

Avvie87 · 30/04/2020 00:22

Thank you so much @BackseatCookers

OP posts:

blubellsarebells · 30/04/2020 00:28

Im a single parent. I drink when my son is home sometimes.
Enough that I wouldnt be able to drive, i would call a taxi or an ambulance in case of emergency. Much like people who dont drive i suppose.
I let my ex fiance babysit my son sometimes in the past when his son was also there, i wouldnt do that again now, unrelated men are too much of a risk.
One of the biggest risk factors actually for very young children.

TinRoofRusty · 30/04/2020 00:31

I think YABU. You need to take responsibility for your child. You knew what this guy was like, now you think he's going to change for you because you love him? It doesn't work like that. This is who he is.

Ghostoast · 30/04/2020 00:33

Sounds like a really classy situation. Poor kid.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 30/04/2020 00:36

Non biological adult male looking after pre pubescent girl in the house alone overnight drinking copious amounts of wine

I don’t care if you’ve been together 10 years, you are taking massive risks with your daughter and before anyone wants to say ‘not all men, prejudice to loving step fathers’ - statistics prove otherwise and bringing anyone into the family home is a calculated risk which OP you are failing right now.

This, with bells on. Safeguard your child FFS. Two years is nothing - there are a lot of men who target single mothers willing to palm their kids off into them for a good reason.

DressingGownofDoom · 30/04/2020 00:39

Drunk, stoned man alone in home with ten year old girl who he is not related to. What could go wrong

Dontbeme · 30/04/2020 08:40

Oh my god PLEASE don't insinuate that I would leave my daughter with someone that I feel would hurt her like that, you're going way off track now

How would you know? Seriously HOW would you know, do you think that the kind of man that would abuse a young girl wears a t-shirt declaring what he is capable of? Or do you think that he would charm the birds out of the trees and everyone would adore him so it would be easier to access kids? You need to wake up to the risk your DC are being placed in and stop being defensive.

Signed: Someone who had an adoring uncle that used to take me off alone to "play games" with him. I too adored him, because he was in my life from very young and everyone around me told me that he was fun, funny and acted like he could be trusted. He had numerous victims and groomed entire families.

PlanDeRaccordement · 30/04/2020 08:52

A child is more likely to be abused by a relative than a non relative if you look at statistics. There is no value to whipping up paranoia about a male babysitter.

Rosebel · 30/04/2020 08:56

First of all you said he drinks while looking after your daughter then it's while she's with her dad. Which is it?

Half a bottle of wine is fine, he's hardly going to be incapable on that. I think you are being unreasonable and so is anyone who suggested all men are rapists.

walkingchuckydoll · 30/04/2020 09:01

I'd be ok with one glass but no more for the simple reason that if something happens and she needs to go to hospital he should still be able to drive her. No drugs.

I do wonder if in the longterm this relationship is for you if you're moving away from the drugs and drink lifestyle and he isn't. Having a partner with a non healthy lifestyle while you do find that important mostly doesn't work out IME. It's for you to find out but keep an open mind about your own happiness if you start to discover resentment from your part. It's ok if you discover in the future that you've had a lovely time but grew apart. If that happens it's best to part amicably and respectfully than

opticaldelusion · 30/04/2020 09:02

This is mumsnet. Anything more than a sip of sherry at Christmas means you're absolutely an alcoholic. And if that sips whilst you're in charge of children then you're a child abuser too.

now I've decided personally to totally abstain whilst my daughter is at home

That's your choice. It's unreasonable to impose that on others.

opticaldelusion · 30/04/2020 09:04

she needs to go to hospital he should still be able to drive her

And what about people who don't drive or don't have a car? This is such a ridiculous argument.

There are many good arguments for not being blind drunk whilst looking after children. Driving is not one of them simply because not everyone drives.

Cambionome · 30/04/2020 09:06

I would not be happy with that at all. And for the pp who said that a bottle of wine holds 3 glasses, a bottle actually holds 6 glasses unless you are drinking it from a pint glass.

walkingchuckydoll · 30/04/2020 09:07

And what about people who don't drive or don't have a car? This is such a ridiculous argument.*

I wouldn't let someone in charge who doesn't drive. That is my personal choice and my advice. You're welcome to have your own opinions anc advice.

aSofaNearYou · 30/04/2020 09:10

We need the world to be free of Covid so normality can resume and she can spend some time with her grandparents!

I feel for you there, it must be a tough call with no realistic alternative for childcare.

In all honesty I can see why you wouldn't like what he's doing - though I feel confident I could do this things once my DD was in bed and still have my wits about me, it would (hypocritically) make me nervous if somebody else did them whilst babysitting her. I trust myself to look after her even if I am tipsy and wouldn't catastrophise about possible emergencies, but it is harder to trust a third party, probably largely due to our maternal instincts. The trouble is that any childcare is a big favour and I do think a lot of parents (especially on MN) don't realise that it's very entitled to demand a favour on top of a favour. If you're getting someone to watch your kids for you, you've kind of get to accept their habits or ask somebody else.

Perhaps he's just a raging alcoholic/druggie like everyone on here seems to think, but on the flipside, most of the child free people I know enjoy a drink or a spliff, and of those that do, pretty much all of them are having more rather than less at the moment, as a coping mechanism to get them through lockdown. He could just be doing that, he could be struggling mentally and that's where the comments about missing you are coming from. In which case somebody asking you not only to do lots of childcare but to stop doing those things that were helping you get through at this time would be quite a big ask.

mrpumblechook · 30/04/2020 09:10

Half a bottle of wine is fine fgs. You are being totally unreasonable to expect him not to drink that just because you have stopped. If you don't trust him not to get drunk then you shouldn't trust him to look after your DD in the first place.

AlwaysCheddar · 30/04/2020 09:14

He’s the best kind hearted.... delusional!!!

WeAllHaveWings · 30/04/2020 09:25

"you knew what I was like when you got with me"

You chose a drug user with a drink dependency as a partner and parent figure for your dd.

You have suddenly seen the light and have stopped being a drug user, and are teetotal around your dd, which should be applauded and I hope, for the sake of your dd, you manage to sustain total abstinence from illegal drugs and learn how to moderate your drinking.

But, you can't expect the same from him. You cant change him, he is telling you who he is. You now need to decide how strong this new moral compass of yours is and if you want an illegal drug using drunk around your dd.

TeenyQueen · 30/04/2020 09:30

I believe that an adult who is responsible for a child, no matter their age, should always be in a state where they are able to do first aid, drive, act in an emergency etc. I'm breastfeeding my 6 month old but even if I wasn't I wouldn't touch a drop in case she needs me. Dh will drink a beer or two but he hasn't actually touched a drink for a couple of weeks. A person who 'has to drink' clearly has a problem with alcohol and I wouldn't leave this person in charge of my child. Why can't he not drink/take drugs on the few nights you're not there?

As someone else said, leaving a child alone in the house overnight with a boyfriend just sounds dodgy, I'm a safeguarding professional and that immediately set alarm bells for me. He may be the loveliest person or he could pretend to be the loveliest person and be s child abuse. Have you actually spoken to your daughter about this arrangement to make sure she feels comfortable being alone with him overnight?

mrpumblechook · 30/04/2020 10:23

I believe that an adult who is responsible for a child, no matter their age, should always be in a state where they are able to do first aid, drive, act in an emergency etc.

Most people are perfectly able to do first-aid or act an emergency after half a bottle of wine. He would probably be over the limit so wouldn't be able to drive but highly unlikely he would need to considering the child is 10 years old and asleep. There are always taxis.

peoplewhoannoyyou · 30/04/2020 10:56

It depends how well he can handle his drink. I'm perfectly capable of performing CPR after a bottle of wine. I'm obviously not allowed to drive but am more than capable of phoning 999 if an emergency or taxi if less urgent.

Don't get me wrong, before I built up my immunity against intoxication I would have struggled after half a bottle of wine let alone a whole one plus spirits of course. Like I say, it depends on how experienced he is at using it.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 30/04/2020 11:01

Social distancing and you sleep over somewhere else?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5