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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my partner to not drink while he's looking after my daughter?

120 replies

Avvie87 · 29/04/2020 22:29

So there has been an ongoing discussion regarding his alcohol and cannabis dependency.. I did used to smoke occasionally with him, or have the odd drink on an evening when my 10 year old was asleep, but now I've decided personally to totally abstain whilst my daughter is at home. I work a few days a week, and sleep over at the houses I work out, leaving him in charge of my daughter, I've said to him I don't want him drinking a bottle of wine every night I'm gone, like he was doing.. "because he missed me" so now he's trying to make a bottle last the two nights I'm gone. I would prefer that he just didn't drink while I'm away, in case there was an emergency etc, but he just thinks I'm being unreasonable. Help :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Avvie87 · 29/04/2020 23:18

We've been together just over two years.

OP posts:
LouHotel · 29/04/2020 23:22

Non biological adult male looking after pre pubescent girl in the house alone overnight drinking copious amounts of wine.

I don’t care if you’ve been together 10 years, you are taking massive risks with your daughter and before anyone wants to say ‘not all men, prejudice to loving step fathers’ - statistics prove otherwise and bringing anyone into the family home is a calculated risk which OP you are failing right now.

LovingLola · 29/04/2020 23:22

What is it with the adoring... it’s always trotted out to justify why a less than satisfactory partner can’t be dumped.

1300cakes · 29/04/2020 23:23

If it were me I would be OK with half a bottle.

LovingLola · 29/04/2020 23:23

When did he move in with you ?

HillieBoliday · 29/04/2020 23:26

Louhotel you have said exactly what I was thinking. Poor kid.

LovingLola · 29/04/2020 23:26

And you work a few days a week, including staying overnight, leaving your 10 year old with him even though you know he has an alcohol and drug dependency? Are you for real?

Original poster
Avvie87 · 29/04/2020 23:27

Oh my god PLEASE don't insinuate that I would leave my daughter with someone that I feel would hurt her like that, you're going way off track now.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 29/04/2020 23:27

How many nights a week are you talking about ? He's doing you a favour looking after your daughter - I agree he shouldn't be pissed but thousands of single parents the country over have a drink whilst there child is at home

LovingLola · 29/04/2020 23:28

No. Nobody is going off track. It’s exactly what you should be thinking about.

HillieBoliday · 29/04/2020 23:28

I have to say Well Done to you though, OP, for kicking your habit. I’m glad you’re making changes.
But honestly, when you write it down, you can see that it doesn’t look good, surely?

PippaPegg · 29/04/2020 23:31

And what exactly does this prince bring to the lives of you and your DD?

He sounds like pure scum.

Honestly set yourself a higher standard OP. You can do a lot better. There are a lot of single men out there who are NOT addicted to alcohol or weed Hmm

LouHotel · 29/04/2020 23:33

@Avvie87 I’m honestly not insinuating that this is what’s happening in any way and don’t doubt that you know the type of person your in a relationship with. BUT it’s about risk factor; inebriation and non biological male in a household will up that risk factor and I do think it’s something that you need to think about as a parent, maybe not now but definitely when she’s a teenager.

I’m a mother of daughters so these type of risks consume my thoughts which is why it stood out to me.

PlanDeRaccordement · 29/04/2020 23:33

Half a bottle of wine isn’t going to make any adult too drunk to look after a preteen, older child.

Bit amusing that on the threads that feature mothers’ hard drinking of GIN of an evening while caring for children, it’s all alright. But when it’s a man and half a bottle of wine, he’s suddenly a drunken alcoholic that can’t be trusted.

Snowflakes1122 · 29/04/2020 23:36

Why are you letting your boyfriend babysit your child?! Poor kid.

LovingLola · 29/04/2020 23:37

@PlanDeRaccordement
There is ongoing discussion about his alcohol and cannabis dependency
He is her boyfriend of only 2 years
She is leaving her 10 year old with him for several days each week including nights
How does she know what’s going on when she is not there to see it

cardibach · 29/04/2020 23:39

I’m confused Avvie
In your OP you wrote leaving him in charge of my daughter, I've said to him I don't want him drinking a bottle of wine every night I'm gone which really suggests, especially given the thread title, that he’s doing that while looking after your DD.
Then you wrote He didn't drink a bottle while he was in charge of her, they were the nights I was at work and she was at her dad's which makes me wonder what your issue is.
Does he drink when in charge of your DD or not? Drinking a bottle of wine when he’s relaxing at home with no child there is definitely ok.
I’m a single parent and I have always had a drink at weekends while she’s in the house. Not drunk, but some drinks. She’s 24 now, so this was a while ago...

Original poster
Avvie87 · 29/04/2020 23:45

Guys, I came on this site to get a range of opinions, which I definitely have, thank you, I appreciate how it comes across, but in answer to " what does this prince bring you" etc, he's actually the kindest most talented and loving person I've met, and that may sound cliche or whatever, but I'm just sticking up for a dude that has brought me and my daughter A LOT of happiness over the last two years. Please don't think I would put my daughter at risk, he is not a bad guy. This will be resolved. I appreciate everyone is looking out for my daughter's safety as I am obviously, but I didn't come on here for a bashing, I'm improving myself. Onwards n upwards.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2020 23:49

FFS.

LovingLola · 29/04/2020 23:51

We are going by what you say about him.

He says "you knew what I was like when you got with me" but I can't help that I'm changing, for the better in my opinion. And if he can't agree to stay sober for a couple of nights a week for his family's sake then I don't know

You have choices. Your daughter has none.
But good luck with it.

aSofaNearYou · 29/04/2020 23:52

Taking your last post on face value and assuming you are right to trust his character, I think you are being a bit judgemental tbh. He's doing you a favour and you freely admit these are things that didn't bother you previously, as you did them too. It's unreasonable to expect him to change his habits whilst doing you a favour because you have decided you no longer approve of them. Even if you are right.

He's agreed to cut down - if he was genuinely having no more than half a bottle a night and able to stick to that, then I don't see much of a problem. If you're not comfortable with it, that's also fine, but in that case you should find alternative childcare rather than judge him for not changing to be on the same page as you.

LovingLola · 29/04/2020 23:54

How long are you leaving your dd with him each week? Are you heading to work on Monday morning and coming back on Tuesday morning for example? Or leaving on Monday and coming back Wednesday night?

BackseatCookers · 29/04/2020 23:59

Him drinking "because he misses you" when you've said he's dependent on alcohol and cannabis is such a massive red flag for codependence.

Surely you see how unhealthy that comment alone is?

Another poster put it perfectly:

You have choices. Your daughter has none.

You're posting on a forum asking for advice on how to ask your partner not to drink or take drugs when babysitting your daughter because he makes you feel unreasonable for asking that of him. That's all in your words, not misconstrued or twisted. That's exactly what you've told us. Just have a think about that.

Original poster
Avvie87 · 29/04/2020 23:59

Thank you asofanearyou for hitting the nail on the head. We need the world to be free of Covid so normality can resume and she can spend some time with her grandparents!

OP posts:
Original poster
Avvie87 · 30/04/2020 00:04

I'm going to look into codependency, thank you.

OP posts:
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