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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my partner to not drink while he's looking after my daughter?

120 replies

Avvie87 · 29/04/2020 22:29

So there has been an ongoing discussion regarding his alcohol and cannabis dependency.. I did used to smoke occasionally with him, or have the odd drink on an evening when my 10 year old was asleep, but now I've decided personally to totally abstain whilst my daughter is at home. I work a few days a week, and sleep over at the houses I work out, leaving him in charge of my daughter, I've said to him I don't want him drinking a bottle of wine every night I'm gone, like he was doing.. "because he missed me" so now he's trying to make a bottle last the two nights I'm gone. I would prefer that he just didn't drink while I'm away, in case there was an emergency etc, but he just thinks I'm being unreasonable. Help :(

OP posts:

littlemeitslyn · 30/04/2020 11:02

Bloody hell what size of glass ????

Timeslikethese2020 · 30/04/2020 11:06

I’d be concerned about the cannabis dependency too. Presumably he’s smoking as well as drinking.

onanothertrain · 30/04/2020 11:17

OP you're getting a hard time on here.
You're not clear whether he is drinking when he's looking after your daughter. I don't see a couple of glasses of wine to be an issue. No one on here would give a shit if you were doing it. In any case he is doing you a favour and likely hasn't changed anything he does. It's up to you whether it's acceptable and you can ask him not to but I don't think you can demand anything.

MitziK · 30/04/2020 11:23

I'd be more worried about the whining 'I'm drinking because I missed you' than anything else.

It's pathetic that he's feeling sorry for himself because you're working.

The easy solution is not to buy any wine, so there isn't any in the house when you leave for work.

Notcoolmum · 30/04/2020 11:26

I doubt he'd be incapacitated drinking at that level as a regular heavy drinker. But I'd be very worried about his dependency. And also the claim he drinks because he misses you. You are at work not separated for months.

I don't think you can enforce a rule on a grown up but you can decide your views on parenting aren't compatible and end the relationship.

MunaZaldrizoti · 30/04/2020 11:31

As others have said, he's likely built up a tolerance for both the alcohol and the marijuana so it is unlikely that drinking 1 bottle of wine and smoking a few joints is going to make him in any way incapacitated.

If he has agreed to cut down and only starts when your daughter is in bed then I really don't see it is a massive issue.

If that isn't enough for you, then you know what you have to do. Easy as that.

MunaZaldrizoti · 30/04/2020 11:32

Also, it doesn't sound like OP is leaving her daughter alone with him. She's goes to her dad's when OP is at work. Is that right OP?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 30/04/2020 11:45

I wouldn't leave my child with a boyfriend overnight - even a clean, non drinking non drug taking one.

The working away 3 nights a week is interesting. How long have you been doing that for? Is it something he encouraged?

Whataloadofshite · 30/04/2020 11:49

Uhh..

He needs to stop drinking when he's taking care of her, or you don't leave her alone with him. If he refuses to stop, then you know you can't leave her with him, full stop.

missmoz · 30/04/2020 11:54

What were your previous options for childcare?

Understandably covid changes usual arrangements, so presumably all the posters saying they would never ever leave their children with any partner ever have other childcare options which the OP doesn't have...

I wouldn't have an issue with someone drinking half a bottle of wine, much like many parents do every evening.

Ugzbugz · 30/04/2020 12:06

A bottle of wine affects people totally different to others, I can drink a bottle and not feel much affect at all over an evening but my friend would be puking her guts up on that.

Getting stoned is beyond boring, would it be okay to do a few lines to?

OldEvilOwl · 30/04/2020 12:14

The working away 3 nights a week is interesting. How long have you been doing that for? Is it something he encouraged?

What are you implying?

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 30/04/2020 12:16

This is mumsnet. Anything more than a sip of sherry at Christmas means you're absolutely an alcoholic.

Except OP’s opening line tells us he is an alcoholic.

2bazookas · 30/04/2020 12:21

Your daughter is 10, in just a few years she will be a sexually attractive teen who stays up later and witnesses the man she adores setting her an example of drug use and binge drinking.

Then what?

he tells her, or she thinks, drugs and binging are harmless fun and low risk .
he lets her share a puff/glass on condition she doesn't tell you

she criticises his behaviour and gets into an ugly argument with a drunk

Take your pick which is the worst scenario for an impressionable pubescent teen alone in the house with a drunk she likes and wants to please/impress

BackseatCookers · 30/04/2020 12:22

This is mumsnet. Anything more than a sip of sherry at Christmas means you're absolutely an alcoholic.

Sorry this isn't fair - like others I responded to the post having considered OP's very first sentence:

"So there has been an ongoing discussion regarding his alcohol and cannabis dependency."

It's a totally different ball game to people without dependency issues having a couple of wines.

OP has actually been very gracious in responding to me to say she'll look into codependence and I hope it will be valuable to her because currently her boundaries are skewed - this man is drunk and drug dependent (her words) not just having a drink.

mindutopia · 30/04/2020 12:31

I drink a bottle of wine over the course of an evening with a child at home. If your child is a small baby, okay sure, probably shouldn’t do that. It would never occur to me not to drink just because a child is in the house. I truly don’t know a single person who does that. There’s obviously a difference between having a couple drinks and being so drunk that you’re blacking out, drink driving with your child in the car, unconscious, etc.

But if you don’t like it, it sounds like you need to sort out childcare or work different hours as you aren’t comfortable with him doing it.

2bazookas · 30/04/2020 12:37

"As others have said, he's likely built up a tolerance for both the alcohol and the marijuana so it is unlikely that drinking 1 bottle of wine and smoking a few joints is going to make him in any way incapacitated. "

Though it certainly  will  disinhibit him.

And that "missing you" excuse already has a whiff of gaslighting.

formerbabe · 30/04/2020 12:40

Sorry op but this is appalling

LaurieMarlow · 30/04/2020 12:40

Despite what you'll be told on here it's fine to have a few drinks when in charge of a child.

It's not fine to get drunk.

It's also not fine to take illegal drugs.

Thehop · 30/04/2020 12:44

Half a bottle when she’s in bed wouldn’t bother me

His dependence on drugs when I have a child to think of would. Can you talk to him about this?

formerbabe · 30/04/2020 12:48

I'm sure if your dd told her teachers that she is regularly babysat by her mum's boyfriend who drinks heavily and takes drugs, they'd be very concerned and it would be seen as a safe guarding issue.

LovingLola · 30/04/2020 13:05

Can you talk to him about this?

Did you read the very first sentence in the op’s first post? She says that there is ongoing discussion about his drink and drug use.

Scarlettpixie · 30/04/2020 13:11

I think having a drink with a 10 yo in the house is fine. Being drunk as the sole adult is not. This means different amounts for different people.

I have a drink with my now 13yo in the house. I have been a single mum for a couple of years and he never sleeps anywhere else. Are some of you really saying I shouldn’t drink a drop? If there was an emergency I would call a taxi or an ambulance. This would be the same whether I had a glass or a bottle as I never drink and drive.

I wouldn’t be happy with your partner taking illegal drugs or his comments about drinking because he misses you, that is a bit odd and would concern me.

Gawdsake2020 · 30/04/2020 13:13

Bit hypocritical if you used to do it and now want him to stop because you have? Did you smoke weed and drink around your daughter because if you did YABU.

Gawdsake2020 · 30/04/2020 13:14

I can’t believe people are implying he’s a pedofile though!

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