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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my partner to not drink while he's looking after my daughter?

120 replies

Avvie87 · 29/04/2020 22:29

So there has been an ongoing discussion regarding his alcohol and cannabis dependency.. I did used to smoke occasionally with him, or have the odd drink on an evening when my 10 year old was asleep, but now I've decided personally to totally abstain whilst my daughter is at home. I work a few days a week, and sleep over at the houses I work out, leaving him in charge of my daughter, I've said to him I don't want him drinking a bottle of wine every night I'm gone, like he was doing.. "because he missed me" so now he's trying to make a bottle last the two nights I'm gone. I would prefer that he just didn't drink while I'm away, in case there was an emergency etc, but he just thinks I'm being unreasonable. Help :(

OP posts:

cardibach · 30/04/2020 13:15

@Cambionome you aren’t quite accurate here: And for the pp who said that a bottle of wine holds 3 glasses, a bottle actually holds 6 glasses unless you are drinking it from a pint glass
A small glass of wine, 125ml, means 6 glasses. Most pubs serve small, medium and large at 125, 175 and 250ml respectively. A bottle is three large pub glasses. Not pints. A pint is about 570mls.
@Avvie87 - I and another poster have asked you whether he has actually ever done this, because in your OP you write about not wanting him to and later you say he did it when your DD was at her dad’s. Has he ever done it? Do you have reason to think he will? Or has he promised to stick to half a a bottle which would be fine?

dontdisturbmenow · 30/04/2020 13:24

did used to smoke occasionally with him, or have the odd drink on an evening when my 10 year old was asleep
So you did that when she was younger and more vulnerable. Didn't you care about her then in case there was an emergency? Did you ever had a few drinks or smoke when you were single mum?

I totally get why he's think you are being a hypocrite using the excuse of her security when it didn't bother you before.

At 10, she is old enough to call you if there was an emergency and half a bottle us not going to render him comatose.

heartsonacake · 30/04/2020 13:29

The answer here is clear: you put your daughter first and leave the drug taking, alcoholic man behind.

walkingchuckydoll · 30/04/2020 13:30

So you did that when she was younger and more vulnerable. Didn't you care about her then in case there was an emergency? Did you ever had a few drinks or smoke when you were single mum?

Why on earth would a mistake or bad judgement in the past mean that you have to continu that for the rest of your life? She changed for the better. That's a good thing.

Original poster

Avvie87 · 30/04/2020 13:45

Thank you everyone for your input, it's all been useful, despite the frustration brought by the comments suggesting that I would leave my daughter with someone that I thought could ever come close to being a peadophile. This is definitely not the case, but I 100% understand people's concerns, and do not disregard them. I'm taking every single comment on board, that's obviously what I've come on here for.
I've never been a heavy drinker or smoker myself, only indulging in one or two bottles of beer at home, or one joint, where as the other half has a higher 'tolerance'(?) than me. I'm scared to use the word tolerance as it makes it looked like I smoked enough to render myself wrecked, but this was definitely not the case. He has been a smoker all his adult life, but I've never seen him incapacitated from it. We have had a very open chat this morning, and agreed that maybe we're not so compatible anymore. He doesn't seem to understand my moving forward approach into safeguarding my daughter going into the future as well, which someone kindly pointed out . I don't want her growing up thinking everyday smoking is something I agree with.
We also had a chat about the codependency, and he didn't dispell that that could be the case "perhaps"..
I'm sorry if I'm all over the place with my information I'm doing my best, but thank you to the ones who've been patient and understanding that everything isn't black and white, and the man I brought into my home is NOT a raging alcoholic, when I used the word dependency, I thought that just meant he used that as a coping mechanism etc, maybe that would have been more accurate to say, I'm not sure.

OP posts:

Original poster

Avvie87 · 30/04/2020 13:47

And thank you @walkingchuckydoll this is what I've said to him actually.. I'm allowed to change and better myself.

OP posts:

Poppi89 · 30/04/2020 14:34

I am a single parent and have a drink in the evenings so I wouldn't judge any one from doing it. But what would worry me would be his high dependency on alcohol. A whole bottle every night is a huge amount! I would be more concerned that you have to ask him to stop drinking for one night and then make a compromise like it's a really tough thing for him to do.

If he says he will only drink half a bottle could he be trusted to not drink more?
How much is it costing you for him to consume this much alcohol? I would definitely be questioning the relationship as it seems you are now moving in different directions.

WeAllHaveWings · 30/04/2020 15:50

Good luck for the future OP. It will be brighter for your dd with the changes you trying to make.

Umnoway · 30/04/2020 15:53

Having a glass or two of wine in the evening is totally different to drinking a full bottle and getting stoned too... Of course that isn’t responsible whilst in charge of a child.

ALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 30/04/2020 15:57

Why are some women so desperate to have a man in their life/bed that they'll put that need over the welfare of their children?

Original poster

Avvie87 · 30/04/2020 16:06

@alovelybitofsquirrel Bit of a blanket statement there.. I'm not going to angrily defend my reasons for being with this man, but know that I was single for a long time by choice. This guy is more than his alcohol/drug problem. I would be quite happily being single again for the rest of my days, and I probably will be if it doesn't get sorted with this guy.

OP posts:

Original poster

Avvie87 · 30/04/2020 16:09

Also, this is a new job, I'm a key worker, who still needs to work to pay the bills, before this we were both working Monday - Friday 8-5, this is uncharted territory under difficult circumstances.

OP posts:

louise5754 · 30/04/2020 16:09

How long has he been living with you both?

formerbabe · 30/04/2020 16:17

Why are some women so desperate to have a man in their life/bed that they'll put that need over the welfare of their children

Sorry but I agree with this.

Imagine your dd as an adult describing this...my mum left me to be babysat by her boyfriend who took drugs and was alcohol dependent. Doesn't sound great does it?

aSofaNearYou · 30/04/2020 16:24

I think people have very much taken you on your word in the OP that he is basically an alcoholic, which is why there are so many outraged responses. In your more recent update you make it sound like it isn't that bad, and you potentially portrayed it as worse than it was because you were in the mindset of judging him for drinking/smoking now that you're abstaining. I think it would really help you in deciding what to do to figure out which of the two is the truth.

LovingLola · 30/04/2020 16:27

Do you get home each morning after sleeping over at your workplace? So that you are with your dd during the day?

ConnieDoodle · 30/04/2020 19:06

I'd be more worried about the whining 'I'm drinking because I missed you' than anything else.
It's pathetic that he's feeling sorry for himself because you're working.

To me it seems like he is blaming op for the drinking and drug using with this statement.

Op, youre right to have the conversation with him. And if he has no desire to improve his life, you are right to not let him hold you back and have a damaging impact on your daughters. Well done for discovering your goals and working towards them. Dont let this guy hold you back.

DressingGownofDoom · 01/05/2020 01:44

'despite the frustration brought by the comments suggesting that I would leave my daughter with someone that I thought could ever come close to being a peadophile. This is definitely not the case,'

Most women who have left their children in the care of abusers thought they'd be looked after.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/05/2020 01:57

A child is more likely to be abused by a relative than a non relative if you look at statistics. There is no value to whipping up paranoia about a male babysitter.

Not if you factor in access. There are interesting correlations with degrees of relatedness. It's just that relatives are vastly more likely to have access to children. Except in OP's case, because she thinks she would magically know if you unrelated, stoned, alcoholic boyfriend will find her DD attractive at an unspecified age she hasn't reached yet.

If they had a sign on their head, no one would ever be sexually abused.

happymummy12345 · 04/05/2020 19:04

I don't see any problem with drinking when you are looking after a child at all, as long as you are not drunk and able to care for the child properly.

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