To have smacked my child

[Temporarilyc]

I've name changed for this because I'm ashamed of myself and will make no excuses for my behaviour. I suppose I'm looking for somebody to tell me I'm not the terrible person I believe I am but am prepared to be told otherwise.

On Saturday I smacked my three year old on the arm, it didn't leave a mark but it was hard enough that it made him cry and shocked him.

I have always been very "anti smacking" yet lost control of myself in the heat of the moment.

The reason it happened (but not an excuse) is because he was lashing out and bit his one year old sibling on the arm hard enough to leave deep teeth marks which are still visible today. I was exhausted and frustrated and lost control.

He has forgotten all about it but the guilt is eating me up.

I want to go and get him out of bed and bring him in with me just so I can hold him, love him and make amends for what I've done. (I won't because he's sleeping, but the urge is strong)

I haven't told DH because I'm a hypocrite, when discussing discipline pre children I made a blanket rule that we would never use physical punishment. DH thinks there is nothing wrong with a tap on the hand whereas I disagreed so made him promise never to do that.

Am I the scum of the earth or is this something you've done too in the heat of the moment?

I hate myself.

Hello OP, you reacted out of instinct to protect the baby. Don't be too hard on yourself. There is a series of books for preschool children that you might find useful. They were out in the early 2000's, about 2003/4, but you can probably still get one on ebay, Abebooks etc. They are hard board books with titles such as Hands are Not for Hitting, Teeth are Not fot Biting, Feet are Not for Kicking. You could read them to DS and talk about them and how doing the action hurts other people. Good luck.

You are human and so is your son, we don't get it right all the time.

Parenting can be exhausting and sometimes there is no respite. Almost three year olds are relentless and very much lacking in impulse control. Add in a small baby and sometimes it just gets a bit crazy. It can be really hard seeing your older child hurt their younger siblings and no doubt you've told them many many times to be gentle etc. You still love him, he just made a mistake and so did you. Show yourself some compassion.

Every poster piling with how awful you are...well slow clap for them. That's great they're perfect, they sound insufferable.

You’re fine. People love to make out that it’s black and white but it’s simply not. I got the odd whack on the arse for bad behaviour and can honestly say I had the most loving, safe and supportive parents. They were and are excellent. It wasn’t abuse, it was me pushing my mum over the line and let me tell you I both remember the few incidents and understood well that I was the dick in the situation. If your kid is loved and treated respectfully on a day to day basis, them pushing you to lose it very occasionally is nothing to give much weight to. (But equally giving it no weight is a bad sign!!!).

Just spotted this new Welsh legislation by the way . I am not sure it has received enough publicity - may be Mumsnet can help

www.legislation.gov.uk/anaw/2020/3/contents

The Act abolishes the defence of reasonable punishment in relation to corporal punishment of a child taking place in Wales; and makes provision in connection with the defence’s abolition.

The fact that you feel so bad about it shows you know it was wrong to do. That’s the important part.

There are lots of resources online and in books on how to manage feelings of anger / loss of control. I would start with the NSPCC website. When you have positive coping strategies available, you will have better options available to you next time.

Op I agree with others here you are not a bad parent at all, it is a difficult situation.

I was a child in the 70s and my mum smacked us occasionally, rarely, and always for extreme situations (on the bum and not hard) where we were likely to hurt ourselves or each other after being told multiple times...

My mum is the most gentle kind loving person and l hold no grudges, each time we utterly needed a shock to stop us. So know that for your son there is no issue and you really don't have anything to make up for. Let that guilt go for good.

My Ds went through a biting stage, once he bit me so hard on the shoulder as l was carrying him down the stairs, l dropped him in shock! ( the welt lasted 3 weeks)
He landed with a thud on his bottom and just looked at me in shock.

Needless to say l felt terrible...but he never bit again..it was my cry of pain and the smack as he landed that stopped him.

There is a world of difference between a nasty violent parent, which you are clearly not and a responsible parent who reacts in the moment.

BTW if l saw my eldest DD bite my younger DS l would probably have done the same.

OP, we've all been there. Don't worry about it.

I smacked one of my twins (3 and a half) for the first time about 2 months ago, who was having a paddy because her drink "was in the wrong colour cup", and then she threw it all over the floor... I was cross and smacked her leg. And you know what? I can't say I felt bad about it. Little toad. ;)

ZINGALLY....(grin) that made me howl!

This sounds very difficult. I wouldn't beat yourself up about a one off smack. Instead think about how to get in control of the situation. Your younger child needs to be protected from being bitten. It's not acceptable to allow it to continue. Physical separation is going to be necessary unless you are fully focussed on the children. Get a playpen or a stair gate. This is what the health visitor told me when my younger child was biting my older one (similar ages to yours only the other way round!). It will also mean your younger one isn't inadvertently provoking the older one by interfering with his activities.
Shouting no and removing toys etc are punishments and not really suitable for a 3 year old especially one that's delayed. You don't want to punish him, you want to prevent it and avoid him getting the negative attention. Keep the emotion out of it and calmly separate them.
3 is way too young for a tablet. I would get rid of that and limit TV time to an hour or maximum two a day. This will help with behaviour in the long run even if it's difficult in the moment.

When my kids are violent to one another I tell them “we don’t hit/bite whatever” then I pick up the child that’s hurt and give them cuddles, turning my back to the one that did it and basically ignore them. I find the more attention you give them, even if it is negative attention, the more they will do the thing you don’t want them to do. I think it works pretty well, I have 3 kids 1,3 and 5, none of them are violent, the odd time they hit one another but not very often. The 3 year old does have a bad temper though, but I can usually see it brewing and redirect him before he explodes, 3 is a tough age I feel your pain.

Zombie thread resurrected by a weird fantasist.