To have smacked my child

[Temporarilyc]

I've name changed for this because I'm ashamed of myself and will make no excuses for my behaviour. I suppose I'm looking for somebody to tell me I'm not the terrible person I believe I am but am prepared to be told otherwise.

On Saturday I smacked my three year old on the arm, it didn't leave a mark but it was hard enough that it made him cry and shocked him.

I have always been very "anti smacking" yet lost control of myself in the heat of the moment.

The reason it happened (but not an excuse) is because he was lashing out and bit his one year old sibling on the arm hard enough to leave deep teeth marks which are still visible today. I was exhausted and frustrated and lost control.

He has forgotten all about it but the guilt is eating me up.

I want to go and get him out of bed and bring him in with me just so I can hold him, love him and make amends for what I've done. (I won't because he's sleeping, but the urge is strong)

I haven't told DH because I'm a hypocrite, when discussing discipline pre children I made a blanket rule that we would never use physical punishment. DH thinks there is nothing wrong with a tap on the hand whereas I disagreed so made him promise never to do that.

Am I the scum of the earth or is this something you've done too in the heat of the moment?

I hate myself.

Do you hit your husband "in the heat of the moment"?

Would you be ok with him hitting you "in the heat of the moment"?

Yes if he attacked my child, and yes if I was attacking my child. OP was instinctively reacting to the baby getting hurt (having been repeatedly hurt).

OP I don't believe in smacking, I was smacked for 'bad' behavior as a child and it was damaging, but you apologised and explained straight away, and you are not using physical violence as a discipline routine. We are human we make mistakes but we can also learn from them and make reparation to the people we have wronged. Don't mentally beat yourself up and don't let others do it to you either.

With a bite like that I'm not surprised you lost it

It's fine, op.

Tomorrow is another day

My mum was a nursery teacher and also worked in a residential school for children with behavioural problems, and incredibly amazing at her job.

She did everything with us before it was even a thing. 1,2,3 magic, timeout spots for thinking (like a naughty spot but without the negative connotations). Trained in child protection, understood child psychology and all that.

But I can still remember a few times in childhood when she "lost it". And it was always to do with me and my brother fighting and it going too far.

It's hard. I'm not in any way damaged by it. Nor do I blame her (we were being utter shits).

We're all human and the fact you feel guilty (as I'm sure my mum did) means you're not the scum of the earth, or a disgrace etc.

And to the poster who said "you wouldn't hit someone if they were bigger than you"... IDK. I once watched my brother getting beat up by a guy when we were young teens. He was undoubtedly bigger than me. I've never been violent in my life but I turned violent surprisingly quickly when my loved one was being hurt.

Sometimes it's like instinct takes over, and I can understand that. I've never felt the need to hit my partner, but if I saw him hurting my children then yes, yes I would hit him if it would quickly make him stop. And then obviously call the police!

I then take him away from the situation and explain that biting is naughty and he mustn't do that.

I would try and concentrate on the emotional side rather than his behavior. Talk about how it affects the one year old insimple ways he can understand, talk about how it makes you feel when he does it and talk about how he feels, he's expressing some kind of frustration by biting the baby and he needs to learn the vocab to be able to express his emotions in a non-physically way.

When I was about 4, my younger brother of 2 bit me so hard on the back I still have the scar on my back (I'm 51).

My mother promptly hit him. He never bit anyone again...and has zero memory of it.

Smacking shouldn't be reactionary and that's why you are feeling guilty about it.

That said I have smacked my kids before. They can be really defiant.... So my DD1 looooved climbing!!! At about 1y few months. She used to climb out glass table and start dancing... tiled floor, stone kitchen counter next to table. If she fell she could very easily die. OP, I tried everything!!!! Several times!!!! I can guarantee you I will smack my kids (lightly in the hand, no red marks!!) before I will put them in a life/death situation. After smacking her maybe twice, she stopped doing it for good.

Never smack becayse YOU lost control. That is bad prenting. But I probably wouldn't have appreciated my children seriously biting each other.

www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/parenting/dos-and-donts-to-end-hitting-and-biting-for-good-part-2?_gl=1398ffl_ga*YW1wLXlfanZPdGRfQmdJNlM0X2E4QnVBd0VoNEhWc2xObTJ1VnZXWmZ1ckZCR05IMW4tVkJIX2hCa0g1a2dQUERyWXM.

And there is one for younger children here.
FWIW I don’t think smacking is a terrible thing but neither is it an effective discipline so I don’t recommend it but nor do I think it’s deplorable. Smacking in anger isn’t the same as reactionary smacking either and smacking certainly isn’t as harmful to many children as the emotional harm some other forms of “discipline” can cause creating long term shame and guilt.
Working on positive parenting and connecting with the older child will help him learn to use his emotional words and express himself while connecting with his sibling better too.

www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/parenting/dos-and-donts-to-end-hitting-and-biting-for-good-part-1

Tomorrow is another day. You sound like a great Mum.

We all know hitting someone smaller than you is wrong, that's a given. That said, there was no mark, so you didn't hit him hard and you didn't cause any damage. I'm guessing he cried because he got a fright more than the pain.

That bite looks awful, I'd be at the end of my rope as well.

You need to forgive yourself and move on.

It is not the end of the world, and no, you are not the scum of the earth at all.
Bringing up children isn't easy and it won't always be as you have imagined the "ideal". It was the spur of the moment and you lost it, your child won't remember.

Yes, ideally us parents wouldn't use physical violence but there is a whole world away from planned, regular beatings and a spur of the moment "don't do that". Your child knows the difference even at a very young age.

Stop the guilt and forgive yourself, you are fine. Try to think through what was the tipping point that made you snap and what you might have done differently, with hindsight. This will help you next time. All will be well.....

Honestly, I doubt he’ll remember. My mother allegedly hit me once when I was a child. I have no recollection of it at all. Everyone snaps at their children. Obviously slapping them as a result is bad but it’s not as bad as the kind of people that called their child stupid/useless etc. The take away here is that you need to get your anxiety under control to prevent something similar occurring.

Gosh. That bite looks awful. Don’t beat yourself up. I didn’t have a biter. We talked about kind hands. I never used the word naughty because the opposite is good and non-descript. I used mean instead being the opposite of kind.

Dd hated the step as punishment but it did calm her down eventually. If your ds is jealous, maybe he needs a way to get out his frustration. Some cushions to punch / kick instead of his dsis? The article suggestion of role play is good.

Does your say sorry? My dd was rubbish at apologies for years. I didn’t force her as it’s counterproductive.

I agree with talking through emotions and think this is a better way to reach empathy. At the end of the days your ds is trying to communicate something or get his frustrations out and the best way is for him to redirect this.

As for the alone time, I think it’s a good idea. He’s not going to associate the walk with the biting. This is also why taking his stuff or screen time away isn’t effective at this age. Removing a prized possession (Never a comfort item) for 24 hours age 3 is a bit young imo and was more something I did wind dd when she reached school age. This was also immediate. Removing screen time or any kind of delayed gratification only works on far older kids (late primary plus) but research shows these children tend to spend a lot more time in front of the screen.

Kasabian23
The whole point is you went for the jugular in the first instance then changed your tune. As an outsider looking in, it is pretty easy to conclude you only saw subsequent posts weren’t going your way. If you don’t want to be accused of being a mean girl, don’t be mean.

Op i had a biter it was soul destroying. I used to dread nursery pickup in case i got an incident report, luckily i didnt have other parents going abdolutely fucking wild at me 🙄

I remember breastfeeding ger brother and she puckered up for what i thought was a kiss and she bit him on the head. With ds clamped to my boob i just instinctly pushed and she fell off the couch - never felt do guilty in my life. It was strange could never preempt it (wasnt in midst if temper etc) so had to constantly helicopter.

Some kids unfortunately go through a biting phase, its horrible but doesnt make them monsters, dd is 10 now not bit anyone in years 🤣. Ignore the judgy comments your doing a great job, and some one on one time might do the both of you the world of good.

Sorry about all the typos. Im.half asleep

Op I was always smacked as a child, when I broke my mums washing line or when I would beat my older sister up 🙈 It has not had any lasting effect of me other than I got a smack on the bum when I did something that was WRONG!

He will be fine! Just try to control yourself next time but you also need to sort out the biting, at his age he should know it is wrong to bite especially a younger child...

I don't know if this helps but when my DD bit me a few times, I loudly said no straight away and then moved away from her.
It may better to make the no faster by not going over to him and then taking baby immediately away so she gets the "attention" rather than him?

@Kasabian23 I don't know anyone who's life has been ruined by a very occasional gentle smack as a child.

I do, however, know several whose lives have been ruined by infidelity.

Well, I expected people to jump at your throat so I'm pleasantly surprised to see some nuance in responses.

As a child I'd get slapped on the cheek for misbehaving (on the bum for big offenses). It didn't damage me and it didn't teach me hitting is okay, I was perfectly able to make the difference between discipline and just hitting. And I always knew what I'd done to deserve it. It always makes me snort when people scream child abuse for the lightest smacks.

And you know, I blame my parents for a lot of things but this isn't one of them.

That bite mark looks positively nasty and that smack on the arm well-deserved. If your smack had left a mark it would have been too hard, but it didn't. So don't beat yourself up.

Please, please don't be hard on yourself about this.

Your child will not suffer from one smack in an otherwise loving relationship with patient and kind parents who love and respect each other.

I wouldn't go overboard trying to make up for it. You apologised. Your child has moved on. You should too.

Stay firm and consistent about the biting. It has to be stopped.

Please don't feel that you are a bad person/parent because you aren't! You're remorse is evident of a good parent. Sadly there are people out there who are cruel and physically abusive to children A one off smack to stop your child causing your baby damage is not abuse and any honest parent will understand this.
You seem like a great mum and I think coming on here for advice was very brave. Thankfully most posters understand how difficult parenting can be and are supporting you. I doubt very much that any of us can look back when our kids are adults and say we got it 100% right. We did our best but weren't perfect

@astrogirl99 YYY to that.

Kasabian23 I can guarantee your affair will harm your kids more than the OP smacking her kid on the arm once!

I think next time it happens put him on time out, or th naughty step, or make him face the wall and think about why it might be wrong, and then go and speak to him about what's happened. I agree with pp who said taking him out for a walk is sort of rewarding the behaviour.

I think it wasn't the right reaction but you have to get over the guilt.

OP, it's all well and good taking him out and showing him you love him today but that won't stop him doing that again.

Three is a really really tough age (or rather, it is with my boys). And biting is a bugger to sort, I wish I could give you advice on tackling it. Maybe naughty step, is three too young for that? Or about right? I can't remember what age we began to do that.

I have a very clear memory of me smacking my eldest when he was three.
It was horrible and I regret it greatly. It's etched in my mind.