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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have smacked my child

162 replies

Temporarilyc · 27/04/2020 00:22

I've name changed for this because I'm ashamed of myself and will make no excuses for my behaviour. I suppose I'm looking for somebody to tell me I'm not the terrible person I believe I am but am prepared to be told otherwise.

On Saturday I smacked my three year old on the arm, it didn't leave a mark but it was hard enough that it made him cry and shocked him.

I have always been very "anti smacking" yet lost control of myself in the heat of the moment.

The reason it happened (but not an excuse) is because he was lashing out and bit his one year old sibling on the arm hard enough to leave deep teeth marks which are still visible today. I was exhausted and frustrated and lost control.

He has forgotten all about it but the guilt is eating me up.

I want to go and get him out of bed and bring him in with me just so I can hold him, love him and make amends for what I've done. (I won't because he's sleeping, but the urge is strong)

I haven't told DH because I'm a hypocrite, when discussing discipline pre children I made a blanket rule that we would never use physical punishment. DH thinks there is nothing wrong with a tap on the hand whereas I disagreed so made him promise never to do that.

Am I the scum of the earth or is this something you've done too in the heat of the moment?

I hate myself.

OP posts:
ponchek · 27/04/2020 00:46

Calm down. This was a one off. We all lose it sometimes. No smacking isn't ok. But watch any mother animal teaching her babies boundaries and you'll see she does what's necessary within reason.

No, smacking isn't acceptable. But you just totally lost your cool and reacted on instinct. So don't beat yourself up. Chalk it up to experience. Your child is fine. Just carry on, and work around things next time.

Kasabian23 · 27/04/2020 00:48

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bert3400 · 27/04/2020 00:50

Please don't beat yourself up about this , he won't remember.
I smacked my then 7 DS, and I mean I chased him round the house and hit him because he had done something as so spiteful and I was a lone parent and very very stressed. it has always played on my mind and I felt so awful for many years about it . A few years ago we were chatting and I brought it up, thinking he would remember and be really angry with me. Well he couldn't remember it at all, even when I went into detail about it. He was 25 when we had this chat and said he would probably off done the same, "as he was a little shit" ( his words not mine) . Please move on from this but don't do it again Smile

IdblowJonSnow · 27/04/2020 00:52

I think if one of my kids seriously hurt the other then I might smack them too. I never have but that is a scenario where I could see it happening.
You've given yourself a hard time, doesn't sound like you'll ever do it again.

Lalala89 · 27/04/2020 00:57

The only disgusting person here is @Kasabian23
Kicking someone while they are down, being rude and borderline racist and being cheating scum.

OP, you made a mistake, should you have done it? No, but you know that. No parent is perfect and I am sure it is something you wont do again.
It was a reaction to your child biting a younger child. When he wakes up give him extra love etc

Original poster
Temporarilyc · 27/04/2020 00:59

We are trying hard to stop the biting, he starts nursery soon and I'm worried sick he's going to do it to another child there aswell as our baby.

The method I'm using (which isn't working) is to get down to his level, take his hands and firmly tell him "no!"

I then take him away from the situation and explain that biting is naughty and he mustn't do that. I then restrict things like his tablet, toy or having cartoons on the tv.

He's going through a period of worsening tantrums at the minute which I attribute to all of the changes going on.

I'm an absolute hypocrite because being punished in that way can only enforce his belief that it's ok to hurt somebody when you're angry.

I could bet my life that it will never happen again, the guilt is beyond anything I've ever felt. I love the bones of him dearly and this is not my parenting style at all.

OP posts:
SquirtleSquad · 27/04/2020 01:01

@Kasabian23 Biscuit

OP, I've been there too - very similar situation but with twins biting each other. You have very obviously and rightly realised for yourself your feelings on the matter and obviously care very deeply and are remorseful for what you did but you were protecting your child with what sounds like a very natural reflex.

Savingshoes · 27/04/2020 01:03

There are many different ways to discipline a child, smacking isn't illegal.
Being a hypocrite is slightly annoying but it's your choice how you raise your child.

vodkaredbullgirl · 27/04/2020 01:04

It was a 1 off dont beat yourself up about it.

NoMoreDickheads · 27/04/2020 01:04

I can understand that having him bite a little baby must be very disturbing for you and that your instinct is to protect someone so physically fragile.

Anyone would worry and want it to stop. xxx

SquirtleSquad · 27/04/2020 01:04

It happens a lot at nursery! One of mine (now just turned 4) got bitten about 4 months ago by a child that's mum works in the pre school.

One time along time ago now another child bit DTwin1 and DTwin2 went over and pushed the other child over and told him to leave his brother alone - nursery didn't know what to do with DTwin2 because whilst he shouldn't have pushed the other child, he was trying to protect his brother.

Sally872 · 27/04/2020 01:05

Sounds very frustrating as you are trying the usual methods and they aren't working. It must be really hard to see your child hurt younger sibling. I can see why you snapped. It is not ideal, but you are not scum. You made a mistake.

Have you tried naughty step? 3 mins (as age 3, 4 mins age 4 etc) On naughty step no attention then apologise and move on when finished?

I wouldn't worry about nursery be will probably behave better there and if not they will have seen it before.

Original poster
Temporarilyc · 27/04/2020 01:07

This is DD's arm, I took the photo to show DH as he was at work when it happened.

It is one of many incidents where he has done this but never before have I responded in that way. I can't even explain what came over me, it was reactionary but deliberate.

I clearly reached the end of my tether.

I'm going to take him out alone tomorrow for a walk just the two of us and spend some quality time. I feel as though i have alot of making up to do and need to show him that I love him.

OP posts:
bruce43mydog · 27/04/2020 01:12

You can't ever do that again it damages children.

Its good you realise your reaction was wrong.

Children will push limits and boundaries. So there will be times when you will be annoyed with them.

Its good you realise and feel guilty.

Move on and think about how you will deal with situations like this in future.

Its parents who carry on making mistakes that are awful. Your not one of them.

bruce43mydog · 27/04/2020 01:24

That bite mark is awful though. So you will need to stop him.

Wrenna · 27/04/2020 01:25

I did the same thing to my son, only once, when he bit me hard. You are not disgusting. It was reactionary. I felt awful for a long time. Right now, formulate a safe plan on what to do if this or similar happens again, forgive yourself and move on.

SquirtleSquad · 27/04/2020 01:28

I'm glad you've had some very fair and balanced reposnses here tonight OP.

Look after yourselves.

Sally872 · 27/04/2020 01:29

He knows you love him, try to move on. You have apologised, child is fine. Stopping your younger child being bitten is the bigger issue.

Purpleartichoke · 27/04/2020 01:35

I think we are all capable of making this mistake. I would spend time working on strategies for not letting yourself get to that point again.

In our house, even adults go to time out. It’s not a punishment here. It’s when you need to go calm down so you walk away from the situation. I know you can’t just walk away from a 1 and 3 yo in the midst of a physical interaction, but you can scoop
Them up and plop them in whatever safe place you have in your home. Then go to your room, breathe, meditate, play room blast. Whatever it is you need to do.

LouiseCollina · 27/04/2020 01:44

You need to show your one-year-old you love him/her by stopping the violent attacks they’ve being subjected to across “many incidents.” You’re planning on coddling your child out of guilt when you should be addressing his intolerable behaviour.

Do you not realise that he will draw a link in his mind between the bite, the slap, and a nice walk in the park alone with mummy along with whatever treats you give him in order to ease your conscience? I don’t want to be harsh, I know you love your little boy and you feel bad, but you are practically training him to bite if you do this.

I disagree strongly with the advice that you needn’t worry about nursery as they will have seen it before. If my child came home from nursery with lumps gone out of him I would go absolutely fucking wild on the parents of the child involved. There is nothing tolerable about this. It’s bad enough that it’s happening in your own home but you’d have no right whatsoever to take a blasé attitude towards this happening to another child.

Happy101 · 27/04/2020 01:44

Honestly that bite mark is raw OP!

I know i'm turning things on its head, and it no way identical to your situation, but I was routinely assaulted by a sibling, and whilst I wasn't as young as your DD, I was still a child. My parents tried everything, the no's, taking away of toys etc. Nothing worked, eventually we all grew up, but I still remember thinking why my parents were allowing me to be abused in my own home. You were doing it to protect your other child.

user3274826 · 27/04/2020 02:03

I've been there OP. With some kids no matter how much positive parenting and explaining and calmly getting down to their level and reiterating you do, it just doesn't seem to be working. There have been very occasional times I have reacted in the moment when they have been going through a long phase of dangerous or violent behaviour and I've reached the end of my tether or been fearful for their life. One was biting, one was smacking me/siblings across the face, and one was running into roads. My smacks felt instinctive, they weren't pre-meditated and I don't think I am, or other parents that have reacted to extreme behaviour once or very rarely are abusive. An instinctive smack is far from ideal but it is not the same as a beating and you don't need anyone to tell you how vile and abusive you are, which is how these posts usually go.

PippaPegg · 27/04/2020 02:13

Have you tried time out? Pp asked about the naughty step which is same thing. That is a punishment which works by removing the one thing kids love which is ATTENTION.

It's the only way at 3. Otherwise you are rewarding him for biting, by all the extra attention he's getting. Kids don't distinguish between positive and negative attention. That's why some kids end up playing up constantly for attention.

IABU to use the word kids, I know.

But seriously, it's more important to protect your 1yo than to flagellate yourself for 1 smack.

rosiejaune · 27/04/2020 02:15

My mum bit me back when I bit her as a toddler. She said it was effective. I don't agree with her methodology.

Aridane · 27/04/2020 02:30

Awful behaviour by the child

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