To have smacked my child

[Temporarilyc]

I've name changed for this because I'm ashamed of myself and will make no excuses for my behaviour. I suppose I'm looking for somebody to tell me I'm not the terrible person I believe I am but am prepared to be told otherwise.

On Saturday I smacked my three year old on the arm, it didn't leave a mark but it was hard enough that it made him cry and shocked him.

I have always been very "anti smacking" yet lost control of myself in the heat of the moment.

The reason it happened (but not an excuse) is because he was lashing out and bit his one year old sibling on the arm hard enough to leave deep teeth marks which are still visible today. I was exhausted and frustrated and lost control.

He has forgotten all about it but the guilt is eating me up.

I want to go and get him out of bed and bring him in with me just so I can hold him, love him and make amends for what I've done. (I won't because he's sleeping, but the urge is strong)

I haven't told DH because I'm a hypocrite, when discussing discipline pre children I made a blanket rule that we would never use physical punishment. DH thinks there is nothing wrong with a tap on the hand whereas I disagreed so made him promise never to do that.

Am I the scum of the earth or is this something you've done too in the heat of the moment?

I hate myself.

Whilst I don't agree with hitting and smacking children as discipline/ learning, don't beat yourself up, you weren't using a belt or cane, you weren't enjoying the hitting and doing it for your own gratification or feeling of self worth. Your child wasn't beaten or bruised black and blue.
Your other child was hurt and you reacted. Reflect on how you'll react next time. Biting siblings is something you'll have to deal with for a bit, it'll pass, just have strategies up your sleeve. Honestly, reflect yes but move on ... and don't listen to unhelpful people on the thread

To give another idea on the biting thing, i use time out for my three year old twins and it works very well. If they bite, hit, pinch etc they get one chance to say sorry properly, otherwise they go to time out. They hate time out because it means that are then removed from all the fun so it's a great immediate consequence. The loss of the ipad etc is too remote and nothing to do with what they actually did. Talking about why they shouldn't bite doesnt really have any effect on them. They just don't have any empathy. I went from "now we don't bite your brother because it really hurts him and look you've made him all upset and you've left a mark on his arm, your poor brother" to "you're going to time out because you bit your brother. You do not bite". After a few minutes if theyve sat there nicely they say sorry then they can come and play again, and then it's all over and done with, we all move on. They very very rarely do it now.

OP I'm not a parent so probably can't offer the advice you need but please stop chastising yourself. The remorse you feel is punishment enough - we've all lost our temper and if it was a one off it's not the end of the world! My mother smacked me once on my thigh (way back in the 90s) hard enough to leave a hand mark. Only happened once but she says she still thinks about it now! I never thought of her of less of a mother - one smack isn't enough to call yourself a bad person.

You will not be the first or the last. It was a protection instinct to someone harming one of your children even though it was one of your other children.

Oh wow I wasn't expecting this type of response, I expected to be told it's unforgivable and subconsciously I think I wanted you guys to tell me how cruel I am as I felt that's what I deserve.

In defence of DS with the biting, we strongly suspect he's not neurotypical. He is on the waiting list for an assessment.

I'm far from blase about the biting when it comes to nursery, I'm positively shitting myself at the prospect of him doing this to other children.

I can't for want of trying get through to him that the biting isn't ok. He isn't comprehending. Reprimanding isn't working and nor is taking away screen time or toys.

There has been some very good advice here and I'll be trailing the time out method from today. I'll also be checking out the links given in the previous pages.

I don’t think an occasional smack given when a situation is dangerous for someone is a bad thing. It is sometimes the shock factor that’s needed to make them realise they have crossed the line of what is acceptable. Also young children don’t always have the language and understanding yet for long explanations as to why something is wrong, they are reacting physically themselves to the way they feel.

Pretty much all mammal parents will use some kind of physical discipline to show that line has been crossed which is why I think we sometimes to react physically towards our children in moments like that. We might ‘know’ better logically but instinct still takes over at times.

I'm desperate to get the biting under control, please believe me I'm trying.

It has already rubbed off on DD as she bit him back on the hand later in the day.

I've lost count of the times he has done it to me and DH has had several bites himself too.

DS isn't great with communication and when I'm telling and explaining it doesn't seem to register, and when he does listen and take it in he just gets upset for being told off.

I think time out is a good suggestion so I will persevere with that over the next couple of weeks and I'll report back to let you know if it's helping.

There are some good books on biting to read with children to help them understand at their level.

He loves me reading to him, I will look online today

I smacked my eldest once when he bit me. It was so quick, it felt like a reflex. I still remember how horrible I felt and it was twenty years ago now. He has no memory of it and he didn’t bite me again.

You won’t have done any lasting damage and you likely won’t do it again. None of us is perfect. Good luck with getting him to stop.

I have never smacked my older child, but when my 3yo had dug his nails into her arm and was twisting her flesh round and she was screaming I smacked his arm to make him let go. Like you I felt terrible at the time, but realistically, he was hurt less than if I'd tried to prise his hand open and away from DD, and would I hit an adult if they were doing that to my child? Fucking right, a light smack on the arm wouldn't come close.

Both you and your Son will be fine, you are not a perfect Mother, there is no such thing. he very fact you feel bad shows that you are a loving caring Mum. What your Son done was wrong and you reacted to stop him hurting your baby. Dont beat yourself up about it anymore. Of course all the pretend perfect Mothers on here will be out in force telling you that they have never as much as raised their voice to their angels

Another approach to the biting I'd try is redirection, as it could be a sensory thing. It feels quite satisfying to bite into flesh, it's only because we associate it with causing pain in the other person that we don't do it. Obviously he's too little to really understand that connection.

At three, he may be old enough to have a conversation about it when he is calm. First you buy or find an assortment of teething toys or sensory chew toys (Google chewellery), talk to him about how he feels when he bites somebody, and whether he could alleviate that by biting something else instead. Even some kind of food might be satisfying for him to chew rather than his brother. Then any time he goes to bite, you try to interrupt and offer him something else to bite instead. If he manages to redirect his impulse, really praise him and tell him you're so proud of him for doing that.

Hang in there, it is such a common phase and he won't be the only one at nursery, they will have experience dealing with this.

I agree with PPs you need to set your guilt aside and not let it send the wrong message about the biting just to make yourself feel better. The bites are much worse than one reactionary smack. Coddling him and grovelling to him about how wrong you were, when by the sounds of things he has already moved on, will undermine your message that what he did was wrong and it caused you to panic.

You know it wasn't ideal, but I think you are making too much of it now and possibly making the biting situation worse, as he is verging on getting positive attention for it. Take him for some 1:1 time by all means if you think it will improve his behaviour, but I wouldn't mention the smack or apologise for it again.

I agree with some PP that the bigger issue here is the 1 year old being bitten. i get that you feel guilty "hurting" your 3 year old but there is a big difference between smacking and tapping. I dont agree with physicality against children, I really dont, but in this situation can totally see how a quick tap would of been instinctive when your youngest baby was being hurt. think about how much more that being bitten is hurting your 1 year old over this one isolated incident of you tapping your 3 year old. I know which one is having the harder time OP

If it makes you feel any better at all OP, I was tapped on the bum or hand as a child if I was being particularly naughty. It was just the done thing then, not hard, not a hit or a whack but yeah.

I don't remember a single instance of it and I love my parents to pieces. They are good parents who love me and I had a fantastic childhood, times have just changed. It doesn't mean I would follow what they did now with my own kids but I certainly don't hate them for it nor has it permanently damaged me.

I very much doubt your three year old son will remember or be damaged by one instance of smacking.

Don't do it again of course but just breathe and move on from this guilt now, if it's a one off, it will be okay.

Am I the scum of the earth

No, of course you're not. Please try not to dwell on it.

Have I ever done it in the heat of the moment? No. But I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that the only reason for that is that I don't have any children I'm human and come complete with human imperfections —as does everyone on here, despite what some would have you believe. I doubt whether I'd have managed parenthood without a tap on the backside now and again, despite thinking that it isn't the right way to go.

for you

YANBU, and I know you hopefully won't do it again because you feel so awful.

For what it's worth, 3 is horrendous. I smacked my 3 year old last year, on the back of the head. Not mega hard but he cried. I felt horrendous immediately. I was suffering with post natal depression/anxiety and had a young baby and was in a very stressful situation at the time, but it's still no excuse.

You're also in a very stressful situation at the moment, lockdown with young children (mine are now 4 and 1) is very very tough at times. I came very close to smacking my 4 year old just this morning and it's the first time I've been this angry at him since I started taking Sertraline for my anxiety months ago. Emotions are running extremely high and there's absolutely no break.

I would actually tell your DH, as it makes you accountable and hopefully more likely you'll never do it again.

Instinctively reacting like you did and feeling guilty after is worlds apart from child abuse op.

Don’t feel guilty, just try and walk away next time!

You’ve made a mistake, no long term harm and relatively minimal impact.

You’ve recognised it and you’re able to plan better for next time so it doesn’t happen again.

Please forgive yourself OP.

" DH has had several bites himself too."

So how did he handle it?

I think a lot of people would have done the same-to shock him into stopping the bite-especially if nothing else is working.

It's about protecting your younger one as much as anything.

Haven't read the full thread but:

You're a good, caring mum.

Forgive yourself.

Look after yourself, it will help you to parent like you want to.

I find just taking a second to do some deep breathing when I feel anger and frustration start to rise can help.

On the biting:

Please don't do time outs.

HE IS NOT IN CONTROL OF HIS BEHAVIOUR. You would be punishing him for something he literally cannot help or control. And it doesn't work. As your current punishments have shown.

It also means you can tell him not to bite until your blue in the face and it won't work. He can't always control himself at this age. Neurotypical or not.

Longer term he may feel rejected by you and resentful of your daughter which won't improve relationships.

You need to start watching his behaviours and working out when he's about to bite, and physically stop him before he does it and say "I won't let you bite".

Yes you will need to watch him like a hawk and yes that's hard.

If he does hurt his sibling / another, give attention to the hurt person.

Get a safe space you can put your 1 year old when you need a break, like a play pen.

Then you can start to think about the root cause. Does he get lots of one on one time and attention from you? Does he get to control your play? Do you laugh a lot together?

Good luck. Parenting is hard.

Hats off to you too.
My 3 year old is horrendous. He smacks his sister in the face, smacks me and his dad, doesn’t seem to allow me to discipline him.
Throws stuff on the floor when we tell him off.

I had to take him to time out multiple times yesterday as each time I put him there he shouted at me and walked off.

It’s hard. Really hard. Don’t be so hard on yourself op.

Oh the guilt... It can be unbearable. I know.
We desperately want to be a 'perfect' parent, and you feel disappointed in yourself.
But try to get this in perspective... You're not a bad parent. At all. We will all make mistakes in our parenting, do things, say things.
Forgive yourself and put it in the past, move on and make it better. That's all we can do!

What will you do next time? Best is remove the bitter and ignore.
It s done and you can decide a better strategy.