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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel rage

237 replies

Tuzz · 26/04/2020 17:18

To feel rage with my partner and father of 2 DS 5 & 7. we all live together. Neither of us is working at the moment.
I wake up and my mind flicks the list of jobs I need to do. It is all usual stuff. 1st world problems. Get up, feed kids, feed dogs, tidy up kitchen - it is never done the night before, hang out washing, vacuum floors, on week days do home school ( I was a teacher so this comes easily to me) cook lunch, clear lunch, walk dogs and kids, mostly make kids tea, bath them read to them and put them to bed. Repeat.
You might be asking where is DP in all of this? He has mental health issues. He is depressed. His day starts when I bring him tea. He wakes up and uses his phone to check Twitter to try to “engage with the world” his words. After an hour he might come downstairs and then goes with a camera into the garden to take photos of spring emerging, this gives him huge pleasure. He will come back in tweet his pictures. Maybe start the doing some gardening. After lunch he usually chooses to go back into the garden and will be there until 6pm. He then goes back on his phone again to keep in touch with the world. Once the kids are asleep either he or I will cook our dinner. I never have the energy to tidy up. He never ever does.
My rage is that he seems only to do the things that give him pleasure, that ease his depression and things are never with the kids or helpful to living in a home with 4 people. I have to do everything else.
lately it seems to me every suggestion he makes I have to do because if I don’t he says I am not supporting him or helping his depression. This morning he showered and shaved. Then announced he wanted to have his hair cut. I was mid cleaning of the kitchen so I stopped and cut his hair. Then had to clean it all up while he went on twitter. I blew my top. Then he close to tears told me how unsupportive I was being. I know he is ill but I feel so alone and now really angry. Am I being unreasonable and need a slap? Or a hug and a big drink?

OP posts:
mbosnz · 26/04/2020 17:20

I vote for a hug and a big drink.

(((((())))))) Wine Gin Wine Gin

WinterCat · 26/04/2020 17:23

A hug, a drink and really do consider whether you want this as your future. Flowers

iklboo · 26/04/2020 17:25

Another hug and a drink from me.

Rainycloudyday · 26/04/2020 17:25

I really feel for you, I couldn’t live like that. I have every sympathy for anyone living with genuine depression but it sounds like he seems to manage the things he wants to do perfectly ok. Also sounds like he’s manipulating you by saying you’re not supportive. Has he sought any medical help for his depression?

SamSeabornforPresident · 26/04/2020 17:26

You've every right to feel rage. If all we did were things that gave us pleasure then where would we be? Ask him what would it do for his depression if the dishes weren't done, or meals weren't cooked?

Windyatthebeach · 26/04/2020 17:27

Ime there is a fine line between Depression and Twatism.
He sounds so absorbed into sm and a fake existence he has lost a grip on reality.
Good starting point would be to stop waking him up and send the dc or ddogs in to wake him..
Or better still the vacuum or a loud music channel..

vinoelle · 26/04/2020 17:27

Depression isn’t an excuse to be a selfish arsehole. Yes it can obviously have massive and wide ranging effects, I’m not under playing it. But you can still have a man child, with or without depression.

MissMogwai · 26/04/2020 17:27

Sounds horrendous. You're a better woman than me as I would have told him to fuck right off by now.

Depression is horrible, I have suffered with it myself but he sounds incredibly self centred and a lazy sod to boot. He needs to take on some of the load, however he feels.

Have the big drink anyway, you deserve it🍷

PrincessBiscuit · 26/04/2020 17:28

I'm probably going to get flamed for this but my DH has depression and anxiety and sometimes I just have no more to give! I want to scream at him to just fuck the fuck off and stop making my life harder! It's hard enough working full time with two small kids and I just need him to pull his weight!

And then i try really hard to remember it's worse for him than it is for me and it isn't his fault he is unwell. Doesn't stop me wanting life to be easier though.

Thanks
SinkGirl · 26/04/2020 17:30

I struggle with my mental health. I’ve had bouts of severe depression and anxiety but I still have to get my arse out of bed and take care of my children. My kids have disabilities, they need a lot of additional care - I can’t just spend the day doing selfish things.

This is not depression, this is selfishness and entitlement.

RandomMess · 26/04/2020 17:31

How long has he been depressed for and what is he actively doing to get better?

The above makes a big difference as to how tolerant I would be.

The routine needs to change, he needs to make dinner for all 4 of you every evening at a time ok for the DC and either clear up afterwards or put the DC to bed whilst you do it.

He spends the other 22 hours of the days doing what gives him pleasure.

Marphise · 26/04/2020 17:33

God, stop waiting on him. Stop bringing him food and catering to him. You've got your hands full already !

Depression can be so hard, but that doesn't mean you signed up to be an unpaid servant for the rest of your days. Tell him he needs to call the doc and get help for his depression (is it self diagnosed ?)

You can help him call if necessary but that call will be made. There is zero reason or excuse not to seek help if he needs it, not when his behaviour affects his family in such a way.

WizardOfAus · 26/04/2020 17:33

This is not depression, this is selfishness and entitlement

Yep.

SharpieInThe · 26/04/2020 17:36

Christ, I'd just leave. Depression is like alcoholism, you can't do shit about someone elses. They need proper professional support and medical help. If they refuse that you're smashing your head into a wall.

He leads a charmed life, even with depression. Does he spend much quality time with you and the kids? I'd say he'd be happier alone, but then who'd clean his house for him?

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 26/04/2020 17:37

HE can walk the dogs
He can’t clean up dinner
He can’t spend an hour with the children while you have a bath and a gin and tonic
None of that will affect his mental health and it will support yours
You know it sounds a very useful kind of illness. Similar to a friend of mine who’s husband’s anxiety was triggered by ‘noise’ so he simply absented himself from the family for a year to lie on his bed and stare at his phone Confusedthey had a toddler and a tiny baby at the time. The marriage didn’t last.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 26/04/2020 17:38

Balls I messed up my cans and can’ts! He CAN do all the things I listed

Tighnabruaich · 26/04/2020 17:39

Is he on medication?

pooopypants · 26/04/2020 17:42

Is he seeking / getting any help with his MH?

He sound incredibly self absorbed and this is spilling over into and affecting everyone else's life. He needs to pull his finger out of his arse.

And I speak as someone who had struggled with MH issues for almost 20 years. He's being ridiculously selfish and self indulgent. Life is about more than fucking Twitter.

TroysMammy · 26/04/2020 17:42

What do you do that gives you the same level of pleasure?

Original poster
Tuzz · 26/04/2020 17:45

He has had lots of talking therapy in the past. Nothing now as he can’t won’t do it via Skype. He won’t take meds for it. He had diagnosed PTSD, anxiety and depression. To add to the mix he self medicates with alcohol at least 2 bottles a day - I know and he knows the drinking is probably the cause of it all. That battle is as yet untaught.
I feel like I can’t wait around for it all to change. I just feel angry he does what makes him feel happy and the rest is up to me.

At the beginning lock down he was very low. I did everything I mean everything for about 7 days. He told me how happy he was. I just cried. He thought because he was happy so was I. But the only reasons he was happy was because he had nothing to do but focus on himself. It seems he is only capable of living like this.

OP posts:
CoronaMoaner · 26/04/2020 17:46

How have you got into this situation OP?
It sounds awful
How are you a team?
What are you getting from it?
Sorry, but your life would be easier if you separated.
Sounds like you’re coming to this realisation yourself.

CoronaMoaner · 26/04/2020 17:47

Just seen your update - he’s a drinker too.
My goodness.

Bluntness100 · 26/04/2020 17:48

Two bottles of what op? Is it beer or wine or even liquor ? Because if it’s anything other than beer, he’s an alcoholic. And I’m sorry to say it, but a manipulative lazy one at that.

Mammatino · 26/04/2020 17:49

As PP ask what is he doing to get him through this? Except exactly what he likes? His behaviour isn’t acceptable, trying to partake in family life can be exhausting when you’re depressed but his behaviour doesn’t sound like he’s depressed. It sounds like he’s just doing his hobbies and treating you like a skivvy. Get him on the phone to the GP and see if you can find a councillor online. Good luck.

Original poster
Tuzz · 26/04/2020 17:49

We are not a team. I don’t don’t how I got here. Right. Ow I am trying to remember the beginning of our relationship but it is all so coloured by my current thoughts. I was happy but honestly I know I’m not now. My DS give me happiness but just makes me feel anxious and alone.

OP posts: