To feel rage

[Tuzz]

To feel rage with my partner and father of 2 DS 5 & 7. we all live together. Neither of us is working at the moment.
I wake up and my mind flicks the list of jobs I need to do. It is all usual stuff. 1st world problems. Get up, feed kids, feed dogs, tidy up kitchen - it is never done the night before, hang out washing, vacuum floors, on week days do home school ( I was a teacher so this comes easily to me) cook lunch, clear lunch, walk dogs and kids, mostly make kids tea, bath them read to them and put them to bed. Repeat.
You might be asking where is DP in all of this? He has mental health issues. He is depressed. His day starts when I bring him tea. He wakes up and uses his phone to check Twitter to try to “engage with the world” his words. After an hour he might come downstairs and then goes with a camera into the garden to take photos of spring emerging, this gives him huge pleasure. He will come back in tweet his pictures. Maybe start the doing some gardening. After lunch he usually chooses to go back into the garden and will be there until 6pm. He then goes back on his phone again to keep in touch with the world. Once the kids are asleep either he or I will cook our dinner. I never have the energy to tidy up. He never ever does.
My rage is that he seems only to do the things that give him pleasure, that ease his depression and things are never with the kids or helpful to living in a home with 4 people. I have to do everything else.
lately it seems to me every suggestion he makes I have to do because if I don’t he says I am not supporting him or helping his depression. This morning he showered and shaved. Then announced he wanted to have his hair cut. I was mid cleaning of the kitchen so I stopped and cut his hair. Then had to clean it all up while he went on twitter. I blew my top. Then he close to tears told me how unsupportive I was being. I know he is ill but I feel so alone and now really angry. Am I being unreasonable and need a slap? Or a hug and a big drink?

The problem is not the depression, the problem is his selfishness.
Personally I would suggest he takes medication and contributes or I would get separated.

That’s also approximately another £70 a week he’s spending on alcohol

Then he close to tears told me how unsupportive I was being

Sounds like his " depression" is very convenient for him. He prats about taking photos, going on SM and does fuck all, leaving it all to you, then HE cries?! Fuck that.

How you're not depressed, genuinely, is a miracle. He needs to get his arse into gear. What a man child. Sexually he must be so unattractive. Sorry you have to put up with this OP, you need to start putting yourself first.

My exh managed to persuade the Dr to give him sleeping pills.. He also managed the pub twice a week...
If I complained my punishment was he would take multiple pills and I would be worried he wouldn't wake up..
Luckily we had no dc together and I threw him out.

He was, until the beginning of lock down, doing weekly therapy sessions. He says I need therapy to find out why I lack empathy and sabotage all his good moods. I honestly don’t know what I can do right now. It is all okay if I bite my tongue and channel a 1950’s housewife.

What the actual frick? I'm sorry, that would be a flying fruitbowl moment for me. And I'd not be aiming. Which means it would hit him for sure.

This is a dreadful situation for you but in my mind a fairly clear cut one also

He is drinking to excess
He does not contribute equally to the parenting and the worry and the routine
He is espousing and enacting practices that he knows are exacerbating his own mental health and thereby yours

I don’t see that you have any choice but to draw a line in the sand with this. Either he steps over with you and rapidly adjusts his damaging behaviour or he stays on the other side and you have to - as you must - move on

I actually think getting up and being an active part of a household is good for depression. Doesnt work with twats though

I had depression for years, until diagnosed with ADHD.

However, what gave and still gives me pleasure was/is finishing tasks.

Any task.

He needs something to do and complete before the end of the day.

Structure, in other words.

I'll be blunt here, isn't the point to change his brain as that's causing the depression?
I've suffered with depression, suicidal, in hospital, so I know how bad it can be. Yes, anti-depressants aren't the only solution, but they can help massively. If he won't fix it, nothing will change. I know it's tough for him, but he's not being supportive of you is he? Plus depressed or not, he made his kids, he still has responsibilities to them at the very least! What would he do if you weren't there?
Also, exercise is extremely good for depression. He needs to walk the dogs! Helps him, helps you. Win.
As for the drinking. Yeah. He's alcoholic. That's a whole other level. I can't suggest a lot there, but speaking from experience, if someone can acknowledge their problems but won't take on any solutions to fix them, they either don't care, or have no reason to fix it because they're getting away with it.
I feel for you OP, depression in a partner ain't easy. Neither is alcoholism. I get you want to support him, but he doesn't want to support you. So honestly, I think you seriously need to consider what's best for you and your children long term. It sounds to me like without him is best

Just coz he has depression doesn’t mean he can’t do jobs that are helpful to the family. In fact anything that distracts the mind is good. Therefore if he is well enough to get out of bed , do gardening etc....he’s well enough to do the washing and cleaning

I have no sympathy for someone who refuses to take medication for a mental illness when it impacts on other people. I put up the side effects of mine so that I can be a better parent and partner.

Defo a big hug and a drink from me op. It sounds like your having a really tough time of it and I'm sorry for that.I can empathize with depression it is a horrible illness but it is not an excuse to treat you badly and neglect his responsibilities. Your own mental health is important too.i think his alcoholism is prob the main issue going on here as alcohol is a depressant itself.though unfortunately he can only help himself and won't get help til he acknowledges it's a problem. It was horrid of him to blame you and saying you don't have empathy for him It sounds to me like you have been very patient with him! I would try and have a proper talk with him and explain how unhappy you are and that things need to change and tell him he needs to at least speak to his gp and rearrange his therapy. X

It could be that he has some nagging underlying guilt or at least vague discomfort about not pulling his weight, and that that’s contributing to his low mood. When I was depressed I always felt 10x better when I was busy and not focusing on myself (obvs this isn’t applicable to all people with depression). Being handled with kid gloves was never helpful, and being infantilised and held to low standards just increases feelings of incompetence. Maybe he just needs a push to delineate his thoughts and realise that he’d feel better if he got stuck in and didn’t hover round the edge of daily life at home.
The cheek of leaving you to clear his hair up though! And disappearing into the garden for hours on end, as if we all don’t want to do that.

Have you had depression? Last year it was a fight for me to get out of bed, I tried to kill myself at one point.
The best thing that helped my recovery was taking small steps each day like getting up was an achievement, and adding things in that made me happy.

I really feel for you OP, you need a hug, a drink and a break! I’ve had similar problems with my DH previously, he’s always been a bit miserable, but certain events caused him to sink into depression further, and he started drinking! I tried doing everything for him, like you seem to be doing, but it was exhausting and it wasn’t doing him any favours!

I found the best thing was to sit down and have a proper chat, he becomes upset and says you’re not supportive of him, but by doing everything you’re enabling him to carry on acting the way he is, because he has no reason to change. Until he’s willing to make changes and work on himself, everything you do for him will go unnoticed.

In a family, he needs to pull his weight, and he needs to support you and the children, not revert back to some teenage lifestyle giving you another “child” to care for.

Today 18:09 Thethiniceofanewday

Most anti-depressants are not compatible with alcohol. He’d have to give up the booze, which may be his real motivation for refusing them*

There you go. This is your answer. He’s keeping you trapped in his little world of alcoholism. This is not true depression. Alcohol is the cause.

I've got a diagnosis of major depressive disorder. I take meds. I engage. I'm not a selfish twat.

What's his twitter profile like - when he engages with the world is he upbeat?

He needs to grow up, take charge of his mental health and stop being a dick.

I would call his bluff.
Tell him that he either gives up the booze and gets prescribed medication or he can go be an alcoholic on his own.
I have several family members who suffer from depression, it doesn’t make them selfish idiots.

Is there anywhere else that he could go to lockdown?

I'd certainly be considering telling him to leave and that reconciliation will not even be considered until he reduces the alcohol and gets properly medicated. It'll be hard on your own with the children but I suspect that not having to tread on eggshells all the time and not being disrespected will be a weight off your shoulders.

I know it's easy for us looking in to suggest LTB but you are clearly struggling. You are getting the total opposite of emotional and physical support.

The thing is OP, you need to ask yourself is this how you’re going to spend the rest of your life? Because unless you do something about it, that’s what’s on the cards for you. He knows how you feel and he has still refused to do anything about it, ie: won’t help around the house, get counseling, go on meds or get treatment for alcoholism.

He’s not going to change simply because there’s no consequences to his actions is there? Sure every now and then you get upset but all he has to do is play the mental health card and he gets his way. He’s gets to potter about in the garden while you do everything.

Make him accountable. Clearly tell him that if things don’t change, he’s going to lose his family and he’ll struggle to have any custody of the children due to his alcoholism.

Please take charge of your life and make the change happen, don’t wait for him to see the light because in all likelihood, that will never happen and one day you’ll wake up and wonder where your life went.

Dump him op. One less child to take care of.

@MorganKitten looks like most of us on this thread have had it and we’re all saying the same thing....he’s selfish

He is selfish. Depressed or not....can you live like this really?

OP you are doing incredibly well to have managed this living situation for this long. I couldn't do it.

Could he stay somewhere else for a couple of weeks to give you a break? His parents? A friend?

You need to protect your children.

OP I have PTSD, GAD & depression for which I am.having therapy. It is hard BUT life does go on. Particularly when you live with other people. Imo cleaning, cooking etc does not make any of these things worse at all. In fact after each of my therapy sessions I clean everything as a way of picking myself up and getting back to normal. I cook a nice meal for me and my children and I actually find that doing things for the people I love actually makes me feel better. I think he is being selfish, you sound like a lovely caring partner. You need to tell him how you feel and he has to share the responsibilities with you. Sorry you are having a hard time.