To feel rage

[Tuzz]

To feel rage with my partner and father of 2 DS 5 & 7. we all live together. Neither of us is working at the moment.
I wake up and my mind flicks the list of jobs I need to do. It is all usual stuff. 1st world problems. Get up, feed kids, feed dogs, tidy up kitchen - it is never done the night before, hang out washing, vacuum floors, on week days do home school ( I was a teacher so this comes easily to me) cook lunch, clear lunch, walk dogs and kids, mostly make kids tea, bath them read to them and put them to bed. Repeat.
You might be asking where is DP in all of this? He has mental health issues. He is depressed. His day starts when I bring him tea. He wakes up and uses his phone to check Twitter to try to “engage with the world” his words. After an hour he might come downstairs and then goes with a camera into the garden to take photos of spring emerging, this gives him huge pleasure. He will come back in tweet his pictures. Maybe start the doing some gardening. After lunch he usually chooses to go back into the garden and will be there until 6pm. He then goes back on his phone again to keep in touch with the world. Once the kids are asleep either he or I will cook our dinner. I never have the energy to tidy up. He never ever does.
My rage is that he seems only to do the things that give him pleasure, that ease his depression and things are never with the kids or helpful to living in a home with 4 people. I have to do everything else.
lately it seems to me every suggestion he makes I have to do because if I don’t he says I am not supporting him or helping his depression. This morning he showered and shaved. Then announced he wanted to have his hair cut. I was mid cleaning of the kitchen so I stopped and cut his hair. Then had to clean it all up while he went on twitter. I blew my top. Then he close to tears told me how unsupportive I was being. I know he is ill but I feel so alone and now really angry. Am I being unreasonable and need a slap? Or a hug and a big drink?

Sounds a selfish prick who is using depression as his excuse to be lazy and useless.
Get rid of this manipulative alkie, you and your kids deserve better and you clearly manage everything yourself anyway, he brings nothing to the table.

Tell him you can’t cope anymore and ask him what he will do to support you? Because you can’t carry on like this much longer

Why are you sacrificing your sanity at the alter of your partner's depression. What would happen if you got depressed? Would you be able to spend all day in the garden taking photos of plants?!

I think he’s taking the piss Op. struggled with depression, didn’t get out of bed for days. I understand certain things bring him pleasure. But is it reasonable of him to constantly take time for himself whilst you get none? He needs to get help & sort it out

Right up until this point I thought it must be difficult for both of you..

He says I need therapy to find out why I lack empathy and sabotage all his good moods.

He's gaslighting you . Its almost impossible to accurately diagnose a mental health condition when there is substance abuse in play. His depression is a very convenient smoke screen for being lazy and selfish. I think it's up to how much more you can endure but I'd be packing manchilds bags and showing him the door. Not because of depression or even the alcoholism but the gaslighting would be the end of it for me, it's an incredibly abusive way of making his problems your fault.

He's living the life of riley... you're running around after his arse night and day.. he contributes nothing to his wife and kids.. nothing to the family home.... he does not engage with anything remotely close to self help...

He's ripping the PISS right out of you.. I call BULLSHIT on his illness ..

kick him out...

I have told him I can’t cope doing everything. He made me feel so terrible - Said something like “you can’t cope with looking after the children? you’re a teacher, this is your supposed vocation and if doing that isn’t giving you joy then something is wrong”. I feel I can’t cope with homeschool and housework and that is a failure, a weakness. That I am angry with him means I am a terrible person because I should have patience.

You're enabling him OP.
Why?
Is it because you've been socialised to be nice, accommodating, put your needs right at the bottom of the needs pile?
Get tough. Get assertive. Get unconditional.
And reclaim your life.
You've only one.

He's gaslighted you again. No one is coping well with parenting, housework and homeschooling and he's made you believe there's something wrong with you! And you have to look after him in the mix as well.

That is laughable that is pure deflection, you are carrying all the load.

The only thing he does is sometimes cook dinner???

He is emotionally abusive when he says that shit to you.

You will be happier without him.

OP you know this is wrong. Donating your self esteem to his alcohol/mental health problems is not mandatory. You have the power and right to make a decision about how you want your future to be. The rest of your life does not have to be this way.

And you should be full of joy in this situation to according to him! He needs to fuck off

He's shown by his reaction that he does not care one bit for how tou are feeling. Do you want to be with someone like this? I really feel for you having to put up with this while the world is totally upside down. A good partner would be supporting you and working as a team in these difficult circumstances

OP you poor thing.

I suggest you try Al-Anon. I’m sure they will currently be holding online meetings.

He is an alcoholic and needs to address this. He could go to AA online now. He could speak to his GP. It’s important that you know that this is his responsibility, not yours. I’m just pointing out that he could do something about it tomorrow, if he wants to.

I am firmly of the belief that people who refuse to take medication for depression can’t actually be all that depressed. However it may be that the problem is alcoholism pure and simple.

In any case I wish you the best, you sound capable and strong, put yourself and the DC first - you will be able to cope.

Are you unable to articulate arguments back to him? There are very simple rebuttals to these points. What do you do when he spouts this shit? Is he some how under the impression that being a teacher includes cooking, cleaning, bedtimes and dealing with the dogs?

Crying and deflecting when he can't get his own way are traits of alcoholism.

Al-anon are helpful. www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

How have you not killed him
Yet? Sweet Jesus mother of Mary he sounds like a narcissistic prick who is gaslighting you while you run the ship, and he's busy downing his.
Honestly he's a depressed alcoholic, do the kids really need to live with this? You've been through enough. You deserve better. To be shown love; and team work and co parenting.

Poor you. He is taking the mick. Start doing some things for you. Stop bringing him tea please! He is manipulating you.

You know you need to LTB. You have no savings yet he spends probably £4k + a year on his wine

second al-anon, or CODA, co-dependents anonymous. His depression is nothing to do with what you do or do not do and his therapy is not working. Is he even in therapy for alcoholism? Is he honest with his therapist about how much he drinks?. He can't manage adult life and he's played a blinder to get you to manage it for him.

JFC! He's an emotionally manipulative, gaslighting, alcohol twatbag who is using and abusing you. That's the bottom line. He's full of SHIT! He's an addict who has abused you into enabling his selfishness. What a fucking arsehole. There's no coming back from this, OP, most of all because he has no desire to do so. So you start by just stopping the fucking breakfast in bed service. I'd tell him he needs to leave. Grey rock him because he'll try to manipulate you. I'd tell him right now, tomorrow the tea service ends. I would do FA for him, just not a damn thing. No sex, either.

I have rage that this person is treating you like this.

OP you know it's wrong, you've known for a year. You've got to pull things together in your mind. Start now by laying down the law a bit as other PPs have said. And start planning for the end of lockdown, when, scary as it may seem, you have to follow your conscience about what's best for the DCs and the long term.

You poor thing OP you really do need to leave him. You're obviously so ground down you're accepting appalling behaviour.

You're obviously smart so start putting that into action and figure out an exit strategy. It may take months or a year or two but START. Hiding a tanner per week in a separate account etc.

He sounds intolerable and is not willing to help himself so is essentially a lost cause. Don't allow him to keep sucking the joy from your world. Life really is short

oh my god.

He drinks 2 bottles of wine a day. His wife brings him a cup of tea in the morning like a Victorian maid, he faffs around all day "doing things that make him happy" and then begins drinking again. If his wife complains about something as obvious as HER having to clean up after HIS haircut he starts crying.

Why? Op just why? Your children are absorbing this terrible behaviour. If he was serious about dealing with his depression he would give up or cut down on alcohol. He isn't. He is having a lovely time doing just what he wants leaving you to do all the work.

The thing is OP that nice people don't want to fuck around drinking 2 bottles of wine a day doing absolutely nothing for their families - even if they have depressions. How many women on this site battle through serious depression to mind their children, keep their homes going, keep down a job.

If he is depressed it is because of the alcohol - not because of having to contribute to his own life.

I'd dump him right now- pandemic or no pandemic.

And for god's sake OP just simply stop bringing him tea or doing his laundry or cleaning up after him.

Better still, follow his twitter with a picture of the kitchen saying "this is what his wife is doing while he is faffing around in the garden"

"He has had lots of talking therapy in the past. Nothing now as he can’t won’t do it via Skype. He won’t take meds for it. He had diagnosed PTSD, anxiety and depression. To add to the mix he self medicates with alcohol at least 2 bottles a day - I know and he knows the drinking is probably the cause of it all. That battle is as yet untaught."

LTB. You've already wasted a year. Do not waste any more time.

Oh the irony of someone who refuses to take antidepressants, because they are supposedly worried about side effects and withdrawal, drinking alcohol instead.

There is no hope with this one. It's been going on far too long and he's not shown any interest in engaging with actual treatment.

Perhaps you could contact Al Anon (is that the organisation that supports partners and families of alcoholics?)

Do you own or rent the house and whose name is it in?

He’s a gaslighting, alcoholic, lazy selfish lump. No more pandering to his wants. Just cook for yourself and the children. He’s checked out of family life. Why should you include him in anything.