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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel rage

237 replies

Tuzz · 26/04/2020 17:18

To feel rage with my partner and father of 2 DS 5 & 7. we all live together. Neither of us is working at the moment.
I wake up and my mind flicks the list of jobs I need to do. It is all usual stuff. 1st world problems. Get up, feed kids, feed dogs, tidy up kitchen - it is never done the night before, hang out washing, vacuum floors, on week days do home school ( I was a teacher so this comes easily to me) cook lunch, clear lunch, walk dogs and kids, mostly make kids tea, bath them read to them and put them to bed. Repeat.
You might be asking where is DP in all of this? He has mental health issues. He is depressed. His day starts when I bring him tea. He wakes up and uses his phone to check Twitter to try to “engage with the world” his words. After an hour he might come downstairs and then goes with a camera into the garden to take photos of spring emerging, this gives him huge pleasure. He will come back in tweet his pictures. Maybe start the doing some gardening. After lunch he usually chooses to go back into the garden and will be there until 6pm. He then goes back on his phone again to keep in touch with the world. Once the kids are asleep either he or I will cook our dinner. I never have the energy to tidy up. He never ever does.
My rage is that he seems only to do the things that give him pleasure, that ease his depression and things are never with the kids or helpful to living in a home with 4 people. I have to do everything else.
lately it seems to me every suggestion he makes I have to do because if I don’t he says I am not supporting him or helping his depression. This morning he showered and shaved. Then announced he wanted to have his hair cut. I was mid cleaning of the kitchen so I stopped and cut his hair. Then had to clean it all up while he went on twitter. I blew my top. Then he close to tears told me how unsupportive I was being. I know he is ill but I feel so alone and now really angry. Am I being unreasonable and need a slap? Or a hug and a big drink?

OP posts:
Notcontent · 26/04/2020 22:49

I have struggled with depression and anxiety for a number of years. But guess what - ultimately I force myself to do all the things I don’t want to - to clean and cook and go to work - because I have to. And antidepressants do work. They certainly work much better than alcohol.

Original poster
Tuzz · 26/04/2020 22:50

When I try to my anger comes out and I get so cross. I have told him how doing everything makes me feel. That only doing what everybody else needs and wants is really getting to me that o feel like I am drowning. He always manages to make me feel I am a terrible person for feeling that’s things. That me getting angry with him makes him spiral down. Asking me why I don’t just ask him to help. He’s right. I don’t anymore. I have asked him/told him so many times it is his turn to do something and he just won’t do it. The kids stay up until I put them to bed. In every argument he says how I always turn everything back on myself, that don’t understand depression or I wouldn’t ask him.

OP posts:
HoneysuckIejasmine · 26/04/2020 22:50

I'm a teacher/current SAHM too and I am hating homeschooling. Give me a classroom of other people's kids any day.

Time to get your ducks in a row. Do you own your home? Have family nearby?

cantarina · 26/04/2020 22:51

OP This isn't normal and he will never empathise with you. He is locked into his world. He is an alcoholic. This isn't good for you and it isn't good for your kids. Plan your exit, or more likely, his exit. You deserve more than this. Mental ill health is something you can support in a spouse but there has to be a limit when the impact on the rest of the family is damaging. It feels that his behaviour will take your spirit from you until you are a shadow of your former self.

Original poster
Tuzz · 26/04/2020 22:54

His house, all in his name. We are not married. Apparently I am in his will but after a recent argument he told me he was going to change it. I honestly don’t know what to do. Where can I go with 2 children right now. All my family are miles and miles away. I love on an island. We’ve only been here 18 months and I haven’t got any close enough friends to burned them with this and anyway I can’t see them.

OP posts:
Queenest · 26/04/2020 22:54

If he’s not willing to help himself, I wouldn’t be inclined to want to help him. It’s important he gets better, but not at the expense of your and your DS’s happiness

This!

You’ve been getting by until now but enough is enough. You have to think of your own MH. Please be kind to yourself OP Flowers

indemMUND · 26/04/2020 22:57

Bullshit to all of this. He is the other parent. He has equal responsibility. You are taking care of everything and he's acting like another kid you have to look after. He's a grown up. He's only criticising you because he's deflecting from himself. Cut this idiot out. Don't do another thing for him. You are not his mother. Use lockdown go try to get your ducks in a row and leave this gobshite. I'm sure you'd love to make your world stop so you could step away and do whatever you like. He's taking the absolute piss. Being a single parent would be one person easier cutting this idiot loose.

HoneysuckIejasmine · 26/04/2020 22:57

Don't worry Tuzz. You can leave now if you want, your relationship has broken down. You can also wait it out if you want. Would you be able to move back to your family's area?

PerkyPomPoms · 26/04/2020 22:59

He is a selfish self absorbed arsehole. He knows what it’s like for you- and he doesn’t care. He is not going to change. His life is great at the moment. LTB

BlessYourCottonSocks · 26/04/2020 22:59

Plan your exit. Don't argue with him, he'll gaslight and turn it on you.

He's a selfish alcoholic who has destroyed your marriage and who has no interest or love for you or his children. There is no room in his self absorbed fantasy life.

I'd stop doing anything for him at all and just focus on the children and myself. You'll be so much happier without him. He's not interested in helping his 'depression' and he's making you miserable.

TomTomRunner · 26/04/2020 23:02

It's amazing he has the energy and insight to argue with you and make you feel rubbish but no insight into himself and the effect of his action on you and his family.

Or the energy to look after his own home and children.

What would happen if you just didn't take him his tea? When asked/ demanded and tears come say you if he can take a picture he can put the kettle on etc. If he can engage with twitter he can engage with his own children. Say you agree with him and now you are helping him help himself with little steps. Repeat as necessary.

Also agree with the replace depression with diabetes analogy, he chooses not to take medication to help himself, nevermind the cost to the family funds.

TomTomRunner · 26/04/2020 23:03

And sorry you are in this situation at this time too. Flowers

RandomMess · 26/04/2020 23:05

I would go to your family you are allowed to leave your partner during lockdown. He is emotionally abusive that's reason enough.

WelshMoth · 26/04/2020 23:22

OP this sounds exhausting.

What would his reaction be if you told him that he has to stop drinking?for both your sakes?

CheddarGorgeous · 27/04/2020 06:40

You have got to leave, you know that. But make a plan, take your time. Great news that you are a teacher. Can you apply for jobs back near your family? Try to squirrel away some money. Tell your family and good friends IRL what's going on.

In the meantime stop making his life easy. Certainly don't bring him a cup of tea in the morning! Look after yourself and the kids, detach from him. He doesn't want to change so he won't and you can't make him.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 27/04/2020 08:00

You are in an abusive situation with a mean selfish man who is a drunk and a bully (oh, and also has depression)

You need to make an exit plan

Especially as he owns the house and you are not married

This is not about depression. This man is bad bad news

No wonder you feel rage

He has trapped you. Make an escape plan

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 27/04/2020 08:01

Start squirrelling away money, make sure you have an account he cannot touch

Nquartz · 27/04/2020 08:01

Even though your family are miles away is there someone you & the DC could go to stay with?

He's horrendous & you really, really need to leave him.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 27/04/2020 08:15

One of you has to leave. Your life, and those of your children, will be much better for it.

BumbleBeee69 · 27/04/2020 15:07

OP are you on an Island in Scotland ? there are a lot of support networks up here.. can you say ?

Brefugee · 27/04/2020 15:46

Gosh OP that sounds really tough.

He says I need therapy to find out why I lack empathy and sabotage all his good moods.

you could tell him that what you need is for him to get his arse into gear and give you the support you need.

Saw your update about what he said about you being a teacher. Sorry to say I think you need to get out of there.

copycopypaste · 27/04/2020 15:56

I really feel for you op, it sounds horrendous and I think you e done well not to blow up before now.

Depression can come with mega selfishness, the person can't see past their feelings and thoughts so look inward a lot. But, depression isn't a green card to be a complete lazy twat.

I agree with a pp, I'd be telling him if he wants your continued support he knows the booze o. The head and speaks to his gp re medication.

The trouble with your current situation is it's likely to affect your mh too. He needs to step up to the plate and help out/pull his weight around the house and dc

BumbleBeee69 · 27/04/2020 16:10

Ooh he does love to keep you under his big depressed thumb doesn't he... having you cater to all His needs.... and if you step out of line He's ready with manipulating put down to get you back into place .... what a FUCKER he is.. get yourself out from under this man.. he's not leaving you anything in his will.. he's got everything he needs and you are too terrified to question that... He wins...

please leave with your kids OP.. when you can Flowers

caperplips · 27/04/2020 16:22

oh OP I'm so sorry to read all this - and I would like to say from close family experience that your dh is not depressed, he's en evasive alcoholic whose life is spiralling out of control and there is not a thing you, or anyone else, can do to fix it.

he's hiding behind depression as there is sympathy for that. He is likely fooling his councillors too (bitter experience here)

I think you need to consider leaving him. He will have to get to his own personal rock bottom to start to want to change and that is a shitty, grueling ride for a passenger.

I really feel for you and your kids (I was one of those kids, but older when the shit hit the fan)

CHIRIBAYA · 27/04/2020 16:33

I think in any relationship you should be able to say how you feel and not sugarcoat things? It sounds like he is quite motivated in many ways for someone with depression and engaging with things that are going to bolster his mental health. Is he improving?? I would try and point out rationally and calmly that support is a two way street and that you doing the lion's share of the chores equates to support. Contributing to family life is a good way of feeling connected and that you have worth and value. Just reading your second bit that he drinks to cope - he sounds emotionally disengaged from you. If you are able to talk openly and honestly with him about how you feel you will find a way through but from what you have said it sounds like he is wanting to run away from his problems and is some way off being able to face them. Draw some boundaries that are going to make you feel a bit better, no more tea in bed for example, or how about he makes you tea in bed? If he isn't prepared to make even small changes that might give you some indication of his ability to take responsibility and his underlying feelings towards you. Have a big hug in the meantime!