Should I be angry... With DP or DS?

[Onaslipperyslope]

DP & I together 10yrs Now in my country, Sydney, with her adopted DD 18 and my DS 13. Every few months - an almighty blow up. I think she is too harsh with the kids. She is a militarian & sees DS as disrespectful, obnoxious& annoying. He is, some of this, but I believe she is far less tolerant than an average parent. The ball bounces too loudly, he is too noisy, eats too messily, walks too heavily. .All of this usually is manageable. However, when heightened, she provokes her daughter to the point of lashing out (at her) by chasing her, for example if a door is slammed, then gets right in her face (like1") telling her off/shouting, then blocking the doorway/paths when DD tries to move away. Today 1st time, she cornered DS in she'd, as above. He was 'slowly' putting the ball down. He attempted to barge past her, she grabbed him and he pummelled her on the arms. I tried to avoid this happening, as I had told her to keep back rather than force a confrontation. I could foresee this. He was in the process of giving a 2nd ball up as he'd had the original one confiscated the day before. I am horrified he lashed out (no excuse) and was pushing boundaries but very upset that she provoked him to the point of such frustration. (DSD has ASD & DS some like behaviours)
AIBU to to be really angry with her (YES) or NO, You are not being unreasonable to be angry with her

Protect your kid FFS
Why are you subjecting him to being abused?

Your DP sounds like a bully to be honest.
I dont think screaming in a childs face (or an adults face for that matter) is an acceptable way to behave.

She sounds like an abuser who needs anger management. My father was like this we couldn’t have the tv volume above three, couldnt talk above a whisper or make any noise on the stairs. I had a chest infection once and he beat me because i couldn’t stop coughing and it annoyed him. It’s played a real big part in my issues today and I would say take your child/children away from her. She’ll never change.

He attempted to barge past her, she grabbed him and he pummelled her on the arms Your DS shouldn’t be barging or pummelling, if your description of him is accurate he’s probably worse.
Your DP sounds very short tempered and irrational, why is she chasing her adult DD and provoking fights?
I’d leave if I was you.

Thank you. I just wanted some reassurance I wasn't going mad to be annoyed by thinking she could have prevented the situation. She thinks she should expect ultimate obedience (even when in their face & blocking a frustrated teenagers pathway)

What are you going to do then?

At worst he's an annoying, relentless rude, cheeky, insolent boy around tasks, doingeventually compliant after asking 10x, possibly ASD or opposition defiance disorder, maybe attention def disorder, locked down with no sport (was swimming, basketball & running at high level for 20hr/pw) but generally manageable....

Not sure what to do. I need to clear my head. I've now talked to my brother who lives around the corner. He's really supportive. DS is fine. He doesn't understand why I'm so upset and agrees he was wrong for lashing out.

Is there some sort of culture clash at play here too? (I may be completely wrong of course, this just sounded so familiar to me as it's just like something my Chinese friend would say about her mother, especially expecting ultimate obedience.)

Either way I don't suppose it matters. It's a horrible environment for your son and more so as it's not his mother, so the bit of give that tends to come alongside familial relationships from birth isn't there - on either side - which makes any attempt at harsh discipline come off so much more aggressive. And she's way too aggressive to begin with. Her poor DD!

Tell her she's not to discipline your child and to back off entirely and in the meantime make plans to move out. She could de-escalate situations, she's choosing not to and bullying the children to back down. And they're at the age they're old enough not to take it... there's a lot more drama on the horizon if she can't accept that her role in the family isn't to be the dominator.

He's a child, a fairly typical one by the sound of it.

She's an adult who is abusing your child. Please end this today before she does any more harm. Your child is growing up knowing you don't protect him.

He's a child and is busy trying to pacify everyone. If your partner is so rigid about discipline and constantly critical then it sounds as if your son is already absorbing that criticism and it's making him feel like he IS responsible - when in fact it's not his fault at all. Your partner has backed him into a corner, he's felt threatened and tried to get away, and instead of letting him go she has grabbed him - at which point he has, quite naturally, defended himself.

Protect your child. Your partner needs to move out.

JKScot4
He attempted to barge past her, she grabbed him and he pummelled her on the arms Your DS shouldn’t be barging or pummelling, if your description of him is accurate he’s probably worse.

Please don't blame the victim in this.

YANBU OP. If he really does have issue with defiance or slight ADHD this style of overly authoritive/abusive parenting will be particularly harmful and he's likely to internalise the view that he's a 'bad' kid. I can't imagine how frustrating it would be to be constantly critisized for how I walk, eat, bounce a ball etc.

A normal child?
he's an annoying, relentless rude, cheeky, insolent boy, pummels, barges, lashes out Yeah we all have kids like that 🙄
@FrippEnos
Blaming the victim? I’ve said the DP is in the wrong but he sounds horrendous to live with too but her way of dealing with it isn’t acceptable.

He attempted to barge past her, she grabbed him and he pummelled her on the arms Your DS shouldn’t be barging or pummelling, if your description of him is accurate he’s probably worse.

He's 13 and she's an adult. One party has a developing brain, is swarming with hormones and has behaviour indicators which could indicate some ASD traits. The other party is a grown adult and an experienced parent (their own child being 18 y/o). Who do you think should know better and set the example here?

I agree with PP - you need to take your DS somewhere where he is safe from this.

He's a child and he needs your protection. This is abuse or bully at the very least. Pick your DS and wait a second longer.

The pummelling sounds like a clear escalation as a result of being grabbed. If the grabbing had not happened then the pummelling probably wouldn't have happened either.

No way could I stand by and watch someone else treat my child like this.
YANBU OP.

I’ve said the DP is in the wrong but he sounds horrendous to live with too but her way of dealing with it isn’t acceptable.

That poor boy has grown up watching his sister being chased and bullied by her mother, so probably reacted out of self preservation, in the only way he could think of. If I was forcefully grabbed by someone of an aggressive nature, I’d probably physically lash out in order to get away.

Your DP is at fault. I feel very sorry for your DS (and the older DD). Please have his back.

Your DP sounds quite controlling and abusive tbh! I was always raised to believe respect is earned, regardless of how old you are, and your DP comes across as almost looking for an argument just to assert their dominance! Do you really want your DS to grow up thinking that is okay to get in peoples face, shout at them, corner them? Do you want him thinking that’s a way to treat people??

@JKScot4

Yes blaming the victim.
You are ignoring everything that has gone up to that point, bouncing balls, walking too loud, eat too loud and the DP reacting in this manner is abuse.

The problem is not the child and you are sliding at least some of the responsibility for her actions on to him.

She clearly is struggling with managing stress and her emotions. If she was being physical to him she can not be surprised he reacted physically to her. She needs to go to therapy and sounds like as a family you might need therapy too to overcome past issues.

I'd put money or your son being a product of his environment........stop trying to diagnose him with something that probably isn't there and get him out of this abusive environment. Oh and take the SD with you, you owe her that much for allowing it to go on so long