Should I be angry... With DP or DS?

[Onaslipperyslope]

DP & I together 10yrs Now in my country, Sydney, with her adopted DD 18 and my DS 13. Every few months - an almighty blow up. I think she is too harsh with the kids. She is a militarian & sees DS as disrespectful, obnoxious& annoying. He is, some of this, but I believe she is far less tolerant than an average parent. The ball bounces too loudly, he is too noisy, eats too messily, walks too heavily. .All of this usually is manageable. However, when heightened, she provokes her daughter to the point of lashing out (at her) by chasing her, for example if a door is slammed, then gets right in her face (like1") telling her off/shouting, then blocking the doorway/paths when DD tries to move away. Today 1st time, she cornered DS in she'd, as above. He was 'slowly' putting the ball down. He attempted to barge past her, she grabbed him and he pummelled her on the arms. I tried to avoid this happening, as I had told her to keep back rather than force a confrontation. I could foresee this. He was in the process of giving a 2nd ball up as he'd had the original one confiscated the day before. I am horrified he lashed out (no excuse) and was pushing boundaries but very upset that she provoked him to the point of such frustration. (DSD has ASD & DS some like behaviours)
AIBU to to be really angry with her (YES) or NO, You are not being unreasonable to be angry with her

I have a teenager who -if grabbed by an adult being shitty like this- would probably react similarly. And there's no way I'd bollock him for it - if you grab someone in anger you're probably going to get pummelled.

Your DP is a huge arsehole and you have a duty to protect your child no matter how loudly he might stomp about or bounce balls - he's your child. Either you protect him or you are teaching him that the behaviour shown by your DP is acceptable. Please, please don't teach a child to expect that kind of treatment. He deserves better, you deserve better.

@totally
the OPs own words he's an annoying, relentless rude, cheeky boy a lot of self preservation there 🙄
So if your own DC lashed out/pummelled it’s acceptable if they say someone was shouting at them or grabbed at them?
MN will bend over backwards to excuse DC poor behaviour.
The OP should leave and hopefully his DS behaviour will improve, they all sound awful tbf.

Not sure what to do. I need to clear my head. I've now talked to my brother who lives around the corner. He's really supportive. DS is fine. He doesn't understand why I'm so upset and agrees he was wrong for lashing out

You need to leave a relationship where you DS is suffering because your ‘DP’ clearly can’t stand your son.

Poor kids.
She is abusive. You need to protect your child.
I have an ADHD/ASD child, he doesn’t deal well with being ‘told’ & certainly wouldn’t cope with being restrained.
She sounds like a nightmare.

It sounds like your son is hugely challenging. I feel this isn't a clear cut situation (the partner abusive etc) your 13 year old son physically attacked your partner. Some 13 year olds are quite big for their age.

Surely your son shouldn't be hitting women?

Feel sorry for her daughter too.

However, when heightened, she provokes her daughter to the point of lashing out (at her) by chasing her, for example if a door is slammed, then gets right in her face (like1") telling her off/shouting, then blocking the doorway/paths when DD tries to move away.

She has been abusing her adopted DD for years OP, years.

The problem is today she tried it on a 13 year old boy who acted physically

She’s a massive bully. I wonder if your son would behave better if he wasn’t being forced to live with someone like that? Also his general behaviour is probably worse right now in lockdown as he’s out of routine and isn’t able to do a lot of the things that are a release for him (you mentioned sport).

Honestly? I’d leave and protect my children. I feel so bad for her daughter, does she have any family or other support to help get her away from her tyrant of a mother? Can you help her access it if she needs you to? The poor girl can’t go on living like that it’s toxic especially with her ASD.

@ukgift2016 what difference does it make what sex she is. And she laid hands on him first. Why shouldn’t he defend himself against a woman? If someone had grabbed one of my children like that, I’d have knocked them out

OP your son sounds like a fairly normal 13 year old boy to me. I've got three grown up sons, two teenage grandsons and yes they can be loud and obnoxious at that age, so can girl by the way I've got one of those as well. Her behaviour won't make him better, in fact I would expect it to make him worse.

You've stood and watched her treat her daughter like this for ten years, don't do the same for your son.

I can see where this thread is going to go.

I agree with those (including JKScot4) that you need to leave.

I suspect that this will see a major improvement is behaviour for your DS and make life better for you and your DD as well.

And when I say behave better I mean his general behaviour. I can totally understand his actions when being blocked and then restrained. I’m not saying it’s the perfect way to behave but it’s how my son would behave (also ASD and ADHD) and if I’m honest, I would too, especially when a young teenager at the end of my tether with a bully who lived in my home with me.

You, your son and your DSD need to get away from this bully.

She's been abusing her own daughter unchecked for years and now moved onto your son. Her behaviour isn't normal or acceptable. She is the problem. The way she treats her own daughter should tell you all you need to know.

Your main responsibility is to protect your son. If at all possible her daughter too. You have no responsibility to manage her moods,excuse her behaviour . At the moment you're enabling her to abuse two children. If you want a relationship with your son in the future ,you need to get her out of your lives.

Otherwise you'll be just another parent that is enabling the abuser of their kid.

Thanks, so glad to have all your wise counsel. TBH he's NOT hugely challenging. Most days are great for me. DP finds most a challenge. For me, normal stress over getting h/w, chores done etc. I guess 30%of teenagers are better & he's in the middle. He's a little precocious, quite opinionated but generally good enough. I've tried to paint him in the worst light so there's no leniancy with opinions. Of course, he shouldn't be hitting anyone which is why I'm so upset at what he did. (He is a tall boy but DP too is strong.) I just think it could have all been avoided.

Surely your son shouldn't be hitting women?

No one should be hitting anyone,unless absolutely necessary.

Protect your child from this bully or your child will blame you too when they're an adult

your 13 year old son physically attacked your partner

She cornered him in an aggressive way. He was scared and lashed out. There is a difference.

I am with the people who say she is to blame.

Of course, he shouldn't be hitting anyone which is why I'm so upset at what he did. (He is a tall boy but DP too is strong.)

And what about your Partner's responsibility in all of this? The fact that she seems to actively try to provoke a response by being rigid and inflexible in her expectations? The fact that she's spent years bullying her own daughter and is now doing the same to your son?

What are you going to do to protect him? Or are you going to stand by and just carry on watching whilst she bullies your son? I feel very sorry for him; it must be hellish living in a house where you feel that everything you do is wrong.

YANBU. I lived with this first hand. My step mother would provoke and provoke my DB until he eventually totally lost it, prompting my dad to step in, then she would say he was too soft and eventually my DB would get beaten. Your DP is a bully and pushing the children to breaking point. The more it goes on, the quicker violence will occur, like a pressure cooker building and building.

Fast forward 5-7 years and you will be wondering why your son has moved out and doesn't want to visit or stay in touch.

You’re unreasonable for referring to her daughter as her adopted daughter. I stopped reading after that tbh

He was flailing his arms around whilst trying to break free from DPs grip. She stood there almost willing him to make contact. If she'd stepped back he would've run away.

OP, at first reading her behaviour seems very over the top and she seems to lack self control. You are correct to want to remove your son from this kind of behaviour...he cannot and should nor live in fear or be unable to live his best life.

Has your partner been assessed for misophonia or similar? Trigger sounds can be things like ball bouncing (repetitive) or some find eating sounds, or gum chewing sounds rage inducing.
If she is normally a regular grounded person, I would advise her to get checked for some kind of sound processing condition/ disorder and perhaps have CBT to reduce its impact.

he didn't try to barge past, she had him cornered and he tried to get away.

You are putting blame on to him and he isn't to blame. The fact he can't see what the fuss os about just shows how desensotised he has become to the abuse, he thonks it's normal. It's not.

I just think it could have all been avoided.

Yes,by not having an abuser live with your son.
By not letting her behaviour go unchecked.
By not turning a blind eye when she abused and bullied her daughter.
By not looking for excuses and how your son broke the arbitrary rules.
By not being expecting children to walk on egg shells to avoid conflict.

The children are children.
She thinks her behaviour is totally normal and entitled and won't change.

The only one that can stop this from happening again is you.