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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I be angry... With DP or DS?

104 replies

Onaslipperyslope · 25/04/2020 11:52

DP & I together 10yrs Now in my country, Sydney, with her adopted DD 18 and my DS 13. Every few months - an almighty blow up. I think she is too harsh with the kids. She is a militarian & sees DS as disrespectful, obnoxious& annoying. He is, some of this, but I believe she is far less tolerant than an average parent. The ball bounces too loudly, he is too noisy, eats too messily, walks too heavily. .All of this usually is manageable. However, when heightened, she provokes her daughter to the point of lashing out (at her) by chasing her, for example if a door is slammed, then gets right in her face (like1") telling her off/shouting, then blocking the doorway/paths when DD tries to move away. Today 1st time, she cornered DS in she'd, as above. He was 'slowly' putting the ball down. He attempted to barge past her, she grabbed him and he pummelled her on the arms. I tried to avoid this happening, as I had told her to keep back rather than force a confrontation. I could foresee this. He was in the process of giving a 2nd ball up as he'd had the original one confiscated the day before. I am horrified he lashed out (no excuse) and was pushing boundaries but very upset that she provoked him to the point of such frustration. (DSD has ASD & DS some like behaviours)
AIBU to to be really angry with her (YES) or NO, You are not being unreasonable to be angry with her

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 25/04/2020 14:15

Your Partner is abusing the kids and you're doing nothing about it... End this now FFS..

CrocodileFrock · 25/04/2020 14:17

You've been together for 10 years.

You've been watching your DP "lashing out" at a child who has ASD and has gone through adoption.

And you are only getting angry now because it's your own DS who has been affected.

You say I am horrified he lashed out (no excuse) but don't seem to understand that he has witnessed someone else doing this for years. This kind of behaviour has become a normal reaction in your household.

If someone "walking too heavily" or "eating too messily" is enough of an excuse for behaving in this way, then why wouldn't being cornered and grabbed by someone be enough?

Why are you willing to tolerate this behaviour in an adult who should be able to control themselves, but think that there's "no excuse" for a child to copy them? Confused

DrBlackbird · 25/04/2020 14:29

If your DP is verbally aggressive and has been so with you too, then your confidence does take a beating so Ignore PPs berating you for non-intervention with your DP and your DS. Easy enough to say exactly what to do from the sidelines. This Is a call to action though. First, will your DP get assessed? The ball bounces too loudly, he is too noisy, eats too messily, walks too heavily plus the family history all sound indicative of your DP also being ASD. Women often 'hide' it much better and for far longer. A diagnosis may be a relief for her.

So, the second step is also getting yourself assessed, as well as some help about setting boundaries with your DP. Maybe parenting classes. If your DP refuses to engage or get help, then...? Your DS is your priority and he needs your help. He is the child in the room and not the adult. Best of luck Flowers as it sounds like everyone is walking on eggshells and that is not healthy.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 25/04/2020 14:30

the OPs own words he's an annoying, relentless rude, cheeky boy a lot of self preservation there 🙄

He’s a typical 13yr old and most teenagers act out to a lesser or greater extent. I’d be more concerned about a perfectly behaved teenager as I would wonder who has ground them down.

So if your own DC lashed out/pummelled it’s acceptable if they say someone was shouting at them or grabbed at them?

My children have never lashed out or pummelled anyone, because my husband and I were not bullying, abuse I’ve pricks. There’s a difference between being a strict parent and and abusive parent. We’ve never felt the need or desire to forcibly grab and hold our children, because were not thugs.

MN will bend over backwards to excuse DC poor behaviour.

You’re obviously on a different Mumsnet than me, if you seriously believe that. 🤣

The OP should leave and hopefully his DS behaviour will improve, they all sound awful tbf.

Rest assured other than the partner, they’re not the ones that sound awful. The boy is repeating the behaviour that he is watching played out in front of him and is frightened of becoming the partner’s next target after seeing how the daughter is treated.

Enchantmentz · 25/04/2020 15:04

Honestly it is your dp that is the problem, cornering anyone and being physically aggressive leaves people little choice but to become violent to protect themselves or get away. Get mad at your partner, she shouldn't be laying a hand on anyone and I would make certain she understands if she ever does it again you will report her for assault. You ds knows it was wrong but he is the victim here and had no other option imo, sort this out before he takes this with him into adult hood.

2bazookas · 25/04/2020 15:10

" I believe she is far less tolerant than an average parent."

But then she isn't an average parent. She has an adopted child and a stepchild. She never carried them, never bonded with them at birth, she will never recognise her own familial genes looking back at her from a childs eyes , expression, mannerisms.

But step and adoptive see those blood bonds between birth parents and their children all the time, and often feel they can never match up. Insecurities and fear of rejection and failure are an inherent stress on adoptive and step relationships , especially in the teens.

Take a big breath. Your son has already lost/been separated from one parent. Don't underestimate the effects a second family rupture would have on him at this age.

He is not the only family member needing support just now, you all do. Talk to DP about you and her seeking family counselling together.

JasonPollack · 25/04/2020 15:20

You need to leave and protect your son.

She cornered him and he tried to get away. She is the aggressor in this situation.

1FootInTheRave · 25/04/2020 15:22

Abusive agressive arse hole.

Put your kids first ffs.

PeanutDouglas · 25/04/2020 15:25

@2bazookas I’m so insulted by your comment I feel sick. Believe it or not us adopted parents are just as loving and empathetic as you biological parents. Possibly more so as our children tend to come with additional needs. Seriously, think before you type you ignorant idiot

Wefghkmnffc · 25/04/2020 15:33

I feel sorry for both these kids. You've turned a blind eye for the last 10 years. Suddenly you think there may be a problem. I think you want to leave anyway. This is just your excuse.

PrincessConsueIaBananaHammock · 25/04/2020 15:54

Counselling is ill advised when in an abusive situation. The victim should have counselling on their own.

FallonSwift · 25/04/2020 16:05

But then she isn't an average parent. She has an adopted child and a stepchild. She never carried them, never bonded with them at birth, she will never recognise her own familial genes looking back at her from a childs eyes , expression, mannerisms.

This comment is so gratuitously offensive towards adoptive parents that I don't even know where to start.

PeanutDouglas · 25/04/2020 16:17

@FallonSwift I am floored by it. I just can’t believe there’s still such ignorance out there. My kids would be dead if they’d stayed with their birth parents. I can say hand on heart I don’t just match up to their birth parents I exceed them in every possible way

FallonSwift · 25/04/2020 16:30

Peanut please don't let someone else's ignorant comment affect you. A good friend of mine has an adopted son - I saw the hoops she had to jump through just to be approved to adopt. You have to really want to do it.

Nottherealslimshady · 25/04/2020 16:33

She sounds like a bully and it's really not a good environment for you son to develop. Violence breeds violence. Teach him her behaviour is not acceptable by leaving. He can't become a man that thinks the meanest person in the house rules it.

PeanutDouglas · 25/04/2020 16:36

@FallonSwift thank you x

HobbsandShaw · 25/04/2020 17:58

PeanutDouglas a friend of mine adopted a brother and sister from a hellish background, they were toddler age when adopted but have severe learning difficulties (foetal alcohol syndrome). She and her DH are the best parents, they are a very happy family. I cannot tell you how much I admire people who adopt and I think the vast majority feel the same way and get it.

MzHz · 25/04/2020 18:06

This situation ISNT working well for your (completely normal sounding) teen.

She’s an awful parent and you know this. She needs to find somewhere else to be and you need to bond with your son pdq or he’ll be off like a rocket as soon as he possibly can.

Protect him. Now.

MzHz · 25/04/2020 18:10

I get why you’re so upset @PeanutDouglas, but this woman HASNT bonded with either child has she, she’s not you. Your kids are lucky to have you, the op’s ds and dsd are unlucky to be in the household of a woman as abusive as this. There are great adoptive and foster parents and there are bad ones too sadly.

You’ve done a brilliant thing @Peanut and I too take my hat off to you.

JRUIN · 25/04/2020 18:26

Your partner is an intolerant bully. I feel sorry for her daughter and your son.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/04/2020 18:51

@2bazookas

I'm an adopted child and I'll repeat what I said to a similar ignorant poster upthread about adoptive parents not being 'real parents'.

Go to hell.

PeanutDouglas · 25/04/2020 19:26

Thank you everyone who has been so kind x

FallonSwift · 25/04/2020 19:33

Peanut Flowers

FudgeBrownie2019 · 25/04/2020 19:41

But then she isn't an average parent. She has an adopted child and a stepchild. She never carried them, never bonded with them at birth, she will never recognise her own familial genes looking back at her from a childs eyes , expression, mannerisms.

Honestly this has to be one of the most stupid comments I've ever seen on here.

@2bazookas have you spent any time with adopted children or parents who've adopted? Do you have any lived experience from which to draw such ridiculous assumptions or is your comment coming from a Jeremy Kyle episode where someone swapped a baby for a Westlife CD?

Utter tripe. I am adopted. My parents, not "adopted parents" because they are just my parents have loved me for every moment they've known me. They cherished and adored me enough to help me build a whole entire world of my own - they saw me through the crappy-teen years, the new-parent years and now the lovely-adult years and never once searched for some bullshit genetic link or bond to help them learn how to love me. The bond of love isn't something you search for - it's freely given and that you don't know that is a sad reflection on the life you've lived so far.

Family is not biology - please don't make such silly assumptions in future.

AcrossthePond55 · 25/04/2020 22:01

@FudgeBrownie2019

Right on!!