Should I be angry... With DP or DS?

[Onaslipperyslope]

DP & I together 10yrs Now in my country, Sydney, with her adopted DD 18 and my DS 13. Every few months - an almighty blow up. I think she is too harsh with the kids. She is a militarian & sees DS as disrespectful, obnoxious& annoying. He is, some of this, but I believe she is far less tolerant than an average parent. The ball bounces too loudly, he is too noisy, eats too messily, walks too heavily. .All of this usually is manageable. However, when heightened, she provokes her daughter to the point of lashing out (at her) by chasing her, for example if a door is slammed, then gets right in her face (like1") telling her off/shouting, then blocking the doorway/paths when DD tries to move away. Today 1st time, she cornered DS in she'd, as above. He was 'slowly' putting the ball down. He attempted to barge past her, she grabbed him and he pummelled her on the arms. I tried to avoid this happening, as I had told her to keep back rather than force a confrontation. I could foresee this. He was in the process of giving a 2nd ball up as he'd had the original one confiscated the day before. I am horrified he lashed out (no excuse) and was pushing boundaries but very upset that she provoked him to the point of such frustration. (DSD has ASD & DS some like behaviours)
AIBU to to be really angry with her (YES) or NO, You are not being unreasonable to be angry with her

If she'd stepped back he would've run away.

And you think that's normal ,good and healthy from your son? An environment where he has to run away from an adult he lives with? A supposed parental figure? And then not even being able to do that?

Your DP is abusive. What are you going to do about it?

She behaves like she’s a drill instructor. She’s not training marines, though. She’s supposed to be parenting those kids.

You really shouldn’t accept her doing this. She’s damaging your ds.
Nasty bully, she is. Your ds shouldn’t have pummeled her. But it is understandable in this situation.

Don’t stay with a dp when they think getting in a child’s face and screaming is good parenting. It is not. It’s abusive behavior.

Well, I used to be in an abusive relationship (no children thank goodness) and if I was grabbed I'd bloody well lash out. I don't know why we think it's OK to teach our kids to defend themselves against someone outside the family who is doing them harm (like someone trying to grab them off the street) and expect them to take it from a family member.

People who feel cornered for any reason will lash out - we've all picked up a toddler who didn't want to leave something and got a lashing leg or fist.

If you corner someone you get what you deserve. Your DP sounds like she relishes the idea of someone just lashing out (you say she was just waiting to get hit) so she can administer further and harsher punishments. She is teaching your son that hitting is fine, she actually encourages it so she can do the 'poor me' act. One day, if she is not careful, he will be bigger than her and she'll find out what a hit really is. She'd have created a monster. Better for all concerned if she isn't around children - or at least these two anyway.

Yuck, your poor son. And her poor daughter.

What is her daughter like OP? Having suffered this crap throughout her childhood and teenage years?

Your son wasn't at fault. He wasn't trying to do anything except escape. Your partner engineered and escalated this situation and the poor lad must have been beside himself. It sounds as though she cornered him like a terrier would a rat.

And yet you show no indication that you might protect your son from him?

Her sorry

If someone tried to block my way and stop me from leaving I'd bloody barge past them as well, and if they tried to grab me as I went you can believe I'd pummel them too! OP your partner sounds like a nasty abusive bully and the fact that she's female and your son is male does nothing to change that. Chose your son and leave as soon as you can. Is she abusive to you as well, or is it only children that she picks on?

Poor children.
One abusive parent.

One standing by, witnessing and allowing it to continue.

Your partner is an abuser.

Wgat a horrible stressful environment those children have to endure.

You know this.

She needs to leave the home.

You should contact local social services to aid you to have her removed.

Do NOT allow her to apportion blame for bully a child, man handling him and being outraged when he reacts.

He's a child being attacked and bullied.

Poor children.

You need to get your DS the hell away from her. Like, right now.

I think all three of you are at fault.

• Your ds for the way he is behaving. He has been told off the day before, ball confiscated and is still doing excatky the same thing the following day. What you are describing is not, in my book, normal teenage beahviour and i wouldnt be tolerating it.

• Your DP for her reaction that was way over the top. You dont follow people round like this etc...

• You for allowing your ds to behave the way he is and finding excuses for his behaviour.

I assume that you are in lockdown in australia too so that would have heightened everything and I think you need to acknowledge that. As well as finding ways to deal with the issue of you and your DP having different sandards in childrearing.

So the OP is an enabler, christ I know that feeling as a child. Abused by mother who then got father to chastise with a belt.

You all need an intervention, you may both be unfit parents.

He was flailing his arms around whilst trying to break free from DPs grip. She stood there almost willing him to make contact. If she'd stepped back he would've run away.

I'm not surprised he would've run away - if he's used to being blocked and obstructed by someone who is shouting and criticising him, and also seeing it happen to his step-sister. I'd bloody run away as far as possible.

Why are you still making excuses for your partner verbally abusing and bullying your son?

Your DP is not the actual mother to either of these children. Does she know anything about children - or for that matter - does she know how to treat others/behave towards others who depend on her/ have to live with her? Should she take counselling for her behaviour when virus has passed?

She is abusive. Blocking people in and grabbing their arms is aggressive and denies someone the opportunity to remove themselves from a situation. My ex used to do it to me and it made me really panicked and uncomfortable.

You say she shouts a lot, expects absolute obedience and gets angry easily. Children model the behavior around them

Poor kids

How many people would stand there passively while someone had hold of their arms and was shouting in their face?

@tara66 wtf are you talking about? Both of my children are adopted? Do you think that means I somehow love them less?! You’re attitude is incredibly offensive. The OP’s partner sounds like someone with anger management issues. I’d wager she’d be the same with biological kids

He responds with the behaviour that he has witnessed and is allowed within the home.

He sees her squaring up to her daughter so why is it surprising that he squares up to her?

You need to end this relationship. She's abusing your son and sounds as though she has you gaslighted to a point where you regard this behaviour as reasonable.

Her poor daughter having a Mother like that.

How would people even expect a 13yo to display perfect behaviour when his normal day is watching his stepsister abused? I'm not even sure his behaviour is that bad, but if it was- are you surprised, folks? Do you really think growing up in that environment wouldn't affect someone? And in particular, make them more frightened, more likely to lash out if that same abuser had them cornered?

OP, it's not only about the abuse itself: it is also about the young adult you are shaping, whom it is your responsibility to shape. What kind of an example are you providing for him here? How do you expect him to react in the future when he encounters what he perceives as rudeness or disrespect if this is the example his mum thinks is good enough for him? As parents we do have that responsibility, to ensure that the example set in the home is good enough for them to build on.

If someone cornered me like that, they'd be lucky to come away with just being shoved.
Your son was not in the wrong.
Your (D) P was.

At worst he's an annoying, relentless rude, cheeky, insolent boy around tasks, doingeventually compliant after asking 10x....

So.... He's a male teenager then?

Children learn from the adult role models around them. He is learning to be aggressive and physically intimidating from your partner. If that is the behaviour you think is right for him, then you leave them to it. If you want him to be a different type of human being, then I am afraid she stops or she goes.

She sounds dreadful and a lot of your son's stroppiness could be a reaction to how badly treated he is by your wife.

I know it's easier said than done, but you need to pick HIM and remove both of you from the situation permanently. His happiness is your responsibilty and you are letting him down by letting this woman be his stepmother, from how you describe it.

Your DP was the one to blame for this, not the child.

He is a developing child, NOT an adult, and is still learning. Your DP is an adult, and is therefore responsible for her behaviour.

Your DP is a bully who expects total submission from her own adult DD.
Your DP needs to learn how to control their temper and NEVER chase anyone down to scream and shout at them until they cave in to the bullying !

I'd be running for the bloody door with your DS and your DSD !

@tara66

Your DP is not the actual mother to either of these children. Does she know anything about children

Excuse me? I'm an adopted child, just like the DP's DD. Are you telling me that my mum is not my mother because I was adopted? That my mum doesn't know how to be a mother because she didn't give birth to me?

Go to hell.