Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To be emotional at the thought of not having another baby.

108 replies

m4mmy97 · 24/04/2020 16:25

Am I being unreasonable to get very emotional at the thought of not having another baby? My partner doesn't want another but I do. We only have one DS. I'm starting to think we shouldn't be together if we want different things? I don't know maybe I'm overemotional..

OP posts:

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 24/04/2020 16:27

It is normal but dont kneejerk into such a response. You may not always feel this way, nor might he

peppermintcapsules · 24/04/2020 16:31

There's no way I'd sacrifice having the number of children I wanted for a man, much less a 'partner' I wasn't even married to. I'd have left my h if he'd changed his mind and wanted only 1 child. Yes, people are allowed to change their minds, but that doesn't mean the other party has to go along with it. YANBU

Original poster

m4mmy97 · 24/04/2020 17:27

I think if I fell pregnant he'd change his mind, but I have a coil so not likely to happen accidentally. I really broke down crying earlier because everyone around us is having babies. Our DS is 3, 4 in December and I'd like no more than a 5 year age gap ideally. My head's shed. I really don't want an only child!

OP posts:

TheVanguardSix · 24/04/2020 17:32

Oh my goodness, OP. I came on here thinking you were in your 40s, you'd had your 2-3 kids but thought, "I'd love another but well, actually we're done and I'm kinda sad about it." Yours is a totally different scenario to that and you shouldn't have to cave to your DH's wishes. Are his wishes reasonable? Why does he want to stop at one child?

Whatarisk · 24/04/2020 17:35

Difficult one. I only have one daughter and both DH and I agree that we’ll not have another. We had lengthy fertility treatment to get her so perhaps our circumstances are different. I wouldn’t change my mind even if DH wanted another.

I really sympathise with you but just playing devils advocate, why should he have to have another child if he doesn’t want one?

GoatsDoRome · 24/04/2020 17:36

This is interesting to me because it is the opposite for my DH and me, although perhaps not with such strong emotions. What are your reasons for wanting another? What are his reasons for not? Is there room to negotiate? I’ve tried asking DH why he wants more than one, but he doesn’t very easily articulate why more than one other than he wants two children. Whenever I imagine another child, I sometimes feel it would be a nice idea but then I get bogged down in the details of finances (nursery fees, career implications), time/effort (ie i get a reasonable amount of personal time now to go to the gym and have me time - would i still get that with two children?), life disruption (going back to lack of sleep and the monotony of a newborn... or worse than that what if the new child is disabled at birth? Or I am from pregnancy/birth...). Is there room for us to move from? Maybe... but I don’t see how my desire for no more children should be a reason to split a family up!! That is incredibly selfish in my view.

Megan2018 · 24/04/2020 17:38

I am, we would have to have a second asap due to age but financially can’t afford two in nursery and we can’t wait 3 years.

We always said just one and I think it is the right thing for us still but I LOVED being pregnant and would like to give birth again. But that not good enough a reason.
We have a beautiful healthy 7 month DD, so lucky.

Whatarisk · 24/04/2020 17:38

GoatsDoRome - you’ve summed up our reasons perfectly. It’s weird because we absolutely adore her and she rarely gets on our nerves 😂 there’s never been a single day where we’ve not enjoyed having her around but the thought of doing it all again just makes me think NAHH

QueenofmyPrinces · 24/04/2020 17:40

I empathise with you OP.

After our first child my DH was adamant we were only having one and to be fair, I was in agreement, I was happy with the thought of only having one child.

However, when our son hit 18 months old I started to want another baby and my husband continued to say no. I was heartbroken, I couldn’t cope with the though of never having another baby. I shed a lot of tears.

My husband did eventually agree to TTC number 2 (about a year after I first bought it up) but I have no idea how things would have turned out if he’d been adamant there wouldn’t be a second. I don’t know if I could have got over it really.

You’re in a really difficult position OP and it’s so difficult

peppermintcapsules · 24/04/2020 17:44

I didn't want an only child and wouldn't have forgone more children for a man. Nope. I'd be looking at leaving. He can always go off and father more children long after your fertility is over.

Yesterdayforgotten · 24/04/2020 17:50

Hi op, I have 2 dc; a 3 year old and a 4 month old. Me and dh both wanted 3 dc in an ideal world but now don't want any more due to a host of reasons and various circumstances. I don't think the feeling ever goes away. Have you talked to your dh and really made him aware how much you want another child?

billy1966 · 24/04/2020 17:58

Gosh OP, feel for you.

The emotional, physical need to have another child can be so strong.

To be told No by my husband when I really wanted one, would have definitely been a deal breaker.

It would have been fxxk that.

Think very carefully of acquiescence to what he wants.

Resentment could end up souring your relationship either way.

What is his reasoning?
What sort of a partner is he?

2bazookas · 24/04/2020 18:06

I think if I fell pregnant he'd change his mind, but I have a coil so not likely to happen

There's your answer. Get it out, tell him he's in charge of contraception for the next couple of decades.

SandyY2K · 24/04/2020 18:08

Did you discuss the number of kids you wanted? Or has he changed his mind?

jacks11 · 24/04/2020 18:32

Would people honestly end a good and happy relationship with a person you love because their partner did not want another child? I love my DH, he is a wonderful partner and father. I would not want to tear our family apart to get my own way re another child (and I did want another at one point, but he didn’t- and his reasons were very valid) because what I have is wonderful. That’s not “a man telling me how many children I can have”. He is entitled to an opinion and his view is as valid as mine.

All very well saying leave and have another with someone else- but what if you never found someone who you wanted to have a baby with? Or is it a case of I WANT one so any man will do, regardless of his other qualities? And what about the impact on your existing child?

Of course, if you have greater problems in your relationship then maybe this is the time re-evaluate it and either work on those problems or End the relationship if you are deeply unhappy and don’t want to/think you can’t work through any issues.

Original poster

m4mmy97 · 24/04/2020 18:35

We always said we'd have two children, he's known since we met that I wanted two babies. If I'd have know he didn't want another we'd have never had the first!

OP posts:

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 24/04/2020 18:40

Would people honestly end a good and happy relationship with a person you love because their partner did not want another child

No. I can’t imagine doing that to the existing child/children. I would be changing their lives for my own wants. Not to mention I didn’t marry DH for what he could provide me with.

Wouldn’t it also mean choosing a new partner based on them providing a child rather than choosing them for them? That’s how I’d feel.

Brogley · 24/04/2020 18:40

Has he said why he doesn't want another? DH and I had some losses during our TTC years and he said he didn't want another after DC1. When we sat down and talked it out his reasons were that he didn't want either of us to go through another miscarriage, a hard labour had made him afraid he might lose me, and he was worried he wouldn't love another DC as much as he loved DC1.

PlanDeRaccordement · 24/04/2020 18:40

Can you afford another child? Just wanting a baby is not enough of a reason.

Brogley · 24/04/2020 18:43

Would people honestly end a good and happy relationship with a person you love because their partner did not want another child

It depends on whether the person who does want another child can come to terms with not having one. If they can then the relationship will carry on as it was. If they can't make their peace with it then, long term, it's potentially going to lead to resentment which can make it difficult to continue the relationship.

Viviennemary · 24/04/2020 18:43

In your case it is not at all unreasonable to want another baby. I said I wouldn't just have one child if I could help it as I was an only one and longed for a brother or sister. Of course everyone has different experiences. Depends on why he wants just one.

Purplequalitystreet · 24/04/2020 18:46

What is your relationship like otherwise? I would be devastated if DP said no to a second child but no way would I break up my little family on the off chance I would meet someone and be able to have another child within a few years (took me long enough to find DP!)

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 24/04/2020 18:46

You need to be really clear with him how you feel. One wouldn’t be enough for me either and ghats fine, just as it’s fine for those who only want one x

RabidChinchilla · 24/04/2020 18:49

I don’t understand this independent drive for children, personally. I’ve only ever wanted to have kids with a particular person, not just as an objective on their own.

peppermintcapsules · 24/04/2020 18:59

Would people honestly end a good and happy relationship with a person you love because their partner did not want another child

Yes, I certainly would because it would mean we don't have the same shared values and are therefore no longer compatible. I didn't want to have an only child if I could help it. As it is, one of our children died. I know a lot of people now who lost their only child and IME it's an even more staggering bereavement.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread