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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be emotional at the thought of not having another baby.

108 replies

m4mmy97 · 24/04/2020 16:25

Am I being unreasonable to get very emotional at the thought of not having another baby? My partner doesn't want another but I do. We only have one DS. I'm starting to think we shouldn't be together if we want different things? I don't know maybe I'm overemotional..

OP posts:
Original poster
m4mmy97 · 24/04/2020 20:46

But it would be okay to stay with a partner that doesn't want another child? Because the thought of not having another child makes me feel sick. We both wanted the same thing when we had first child. We both agreed we wanted a year after having first child, now two years later he doesn't want another and I'm supposed just be happy with that? 🙃

OP posts:
yelyah22 · 24/04/2020 20:53

I can't believe people telling you to take your coil out and trick him into a child he doesn't want. Nothing says a healthy relationship like reproductive coercion!

OP - I don't understand your thinking (I want a child WITH my partner, not despite of them, but I know many people who feel differently - although the PP who suggested you have a spare in case one dies is...all kinds of fucked up) but ultimately if having 2 children is more important than having your partner, that's your decision to make. And you're entitled to it.

You would certainly not be in the wrong to leave because your partner no longer wants what you want, plenty of relationships end for that reason. But I would say think very carefully whether you're mourning the loss of two children with him, or two children full stop. Do you want to start dating again, find someone who is happy to start a blended family, etc? Or do you want to try adoption or artificial insemination? Think carefully about it before you make a decision.

peppermintcapsules · 24/04/2020 20:54

I can't believe so many would allow another person to dictate that someone they purport to love give up a core value of one's own. I can't believe some people would rather be miserable and increasingly resentful with a 'partner' or spouse than move on and find someone more compatible when women are routinely told not to stay for the sake of the children on MN nearly every day.

ScarfLadysBag · 24/04/2020 20:55

You don't have to be happy with it, but when you already have an existing child, you have to weigh up what you want versus what is best for them. Presumably you had your child with your partner as you envisaged being together while your child grows up, him living with you and being an involved parent? And because you have a deep love for him and wanted to have a child with him and him alone?

If you aren't that bothered about him and he's a shifty parent anyway then you might as well go, but if your relationship is happy and loving and secure and he's a good father, then it doesn't sit right with me to remove that life and environment from your existing child because of a potential child you might never even have 🤷‍♀️

ScarfLadysBag · 24/04/2020 20:57

I suppose the difference is @peppermintcapsules that I wanted a child with my husband. I didn't want 'a child'. I wanted a child with him because I love him, we are in a secure relationship, he makes a great father, and I want us to be a family together. I don't see him as some sort of replaceable sperm donor 🤷‍♀️

peppermintcapsules · 24/04/2020 20:59

If it's going to make you unhappy and miserable and resentful, then your relationship is no longer one in which you want to bring up a child anyhow. No one should stay in a relationship that's unhappy and miserable for the sake of the kids. Plenty of us grew up in that setting and I've yet to meet a one of us in adulthood who thinks it was better the parents stayed together for our sake.

peppermintcapsules · 24/04/2020 21:02

I divorced a man who didn't want a child. I desperately wanted a child with him, didn't see him as a replaceable sperm donor Hmm. But I owed it to myself to be true to the life goals I had and grew increasingly resentful and bitter towards him (wasn't his fault, people are allowed to change their minds) but it meant we had to go our separate ways.

Bizawit · 24/04/2020 21:02

Then you're the same level of human excrement as men who remove condoms without their partner realising. What the actual fuck is wrong with you!?

Not the same at all. These kind of comparisons are absolute bullshit- men and women have completely different experiences in relation to reproduction.

OP- take out your coil. Have another baby with him or without- you will not regret it xxxx

ScarfLadysBag · 24/04/2020 21:02

But I agree that if you're going to be unhappy for the rest of your life because of it and resentful then you can't stay together. I just think it's a hell of a shame, really, for a child to lose that family setting and upbringing just because of a child who may never even exist, unless there's a big drip feed coming about how awful a partner and parent he is. Presumably if OP wants to have another child with him that's not the case.

But it's not my life or my child!!

ScarfLadysBag · 24/04/2020 21:04

And I think not wanting children at all is a very different kettle of fish to having one and then not wanting more. Especially as when you have one, your priorities and responsibilities have to change anyway because their well-being comes first in most situations.

peppermintcapsules · 24/04/2020 21:07

I think it's even worse to be a child of two people who are very unhappy together. I was. It's not a nice way to live. I think it's pretty unfair of this man to change the goalposts and expect the OP to just accept it, and to carry on carrying the contraception load to enable them.

Crunchymum · 24/04/2020 21:09

I think the issue you need to tackle is why he has changed his mind / reneged on what was agreed, and go from there.

Winterwoollies · 24/04/2020 21:10

I may be missing something but I’ve read on here A LOT that the partner who doesn’t want another child always gazumps the one who does. Except in this occasion apparently?!

The OP talked casually about ‘accidentally’ getting pregnant and other posters encouraged that...

What?!

Talk to him, be really honest, and ask him his feelings. I don’t understand why his feelings are less valid then the OP’s though?

Sometimes I find this site SO contradictory.

Iwantacookie · 24/04/2020 21:12

OP I can sympathise with you. I am desperate for another baby but dp said no. I honestly thought he would change his mind but since we first spoke about it 5 years ago he is still adamant he doesn't want any.
I knew I had to decide what I wanted more. A relationship I was currently in with security for my current dc or become a single parent again on the off chance I would end up having another baby.
That's a decision only you can make but you need to talk to your dp.
Good lick

WeddingNameChange · 24/04/2020 21:12

This thread is honestly so crazy it's a bit sad.
I get how desperate you are for another baby but would you rather extend your family with someone else than the father to your child?

Would you wait until you fell in love again or had a baby with anyone else?
What if you didnt meet someone else?

Do not take your coil out it's so unfair, and you risk your DH resenting you.

That said, if you will grown to hate your dp over this it may be best you leave, but you might not have another baby anyway.

Proudboomer · 24/04/2020 21:13

Bear in mind that if you leave you go from having one child to having half a child as shared custody will mean half the time your child will be with it father.

Be very sure before you leave an otherwise good and loving relationship for a possibility that might not even happen.

You don’t say how old you are so we don’t know if you have time to wait or if you have to make a decision now.

Original poster
m4mmy97 · 24/04/2020 21:22

Winterwoolies, I never said I'd "accidentally" get pregnant I said if it happened accidentally then he'd probably be thrilled.

OP posts:
Original poster
m4mmy97 · 24/04/2020 21:24

I'm not going to take my coil out until he says he wants another or we decide to go out separate ways. I'm 25 but my mum went through the change at 30 and it's likely that I will too.

OP posts:
AravisTarkheena · 24/04/2020 21:28

This thread IS mad. I can't personally reconcile wanting two children with being a 'core value'. I don't see wanting a certain number of children as a 'value' at all. As an only child for a start... what's wrong with it?!

Also, I'm the same as PPs who have said that wanting 'kids' just for the sake of 'having kids' is really weird. I don't want 'kids' I want OUR kids.

AND, at the point when I was so insanely broody I kept crying on public transport when I saw children... I did not stop contraception and trick my then boyfriend into having a child! Of course I didn't, it would have been a fkn stupid idea! And I could see that even though I was genuinely a bit mad.

AravisTarkheena · 24/04/2020 21:31

Having said the thread is mad, I mean some of the responses. i totally get why this is genuinely really difficult for you OP.

missanony · 24/04/2020 21:43

It is so difficult. Have you said that it’s making you consider your relationship?

peppermintcapsules · 24/04/2020 21:47

I can't personally reconcile wanting two children with being a 'core value'. I don't see wanting a certain number of children as a 'value' at all. As an only child for a start... what's wrong with it?!

So because you can't personally reconcile it that means that anyone who doesn't feel exactly how you do is wrong or inferior somehow? Hmm. How sneery can you get? No one's sad there's anything wrong with being an only child or having one, but that's not something the OP wants or that they agreed upon. And whilst everyone is entitled to change their mind and the one who doesn't want another apparently trumps the one who does, at the same time, no one is beholden to stay with someone who isn't on the same page with regards to something they find vital to them.

At no point did the OP say she was going to trick him, she said if it happened accidentally that would be one thing but as she has a coil it's not likely.

oldtownroad · 24/04/2020 22:01

'I never said I'd "accidentally" get pregnant I said if it happened accidentally then he'd probably be thrilled'

If that's true OP then surely he would agree to another if you told him you are considering leaving him. Have you told him the full extent of how you feel?

BalanchineBallet · 24/04/2020 22:17

You lot are fucking nuts. Anyone suggesting a woman tricks her husband by coming off contraception secretly is just the lowest.

And as for all of you saying you’d leave your partner if you wanted another and he didn’t..... so you’d split your existing child’s home for a future possible child?

And finally- it’s not just about want is it? Would you all leave your partners if they couldn’t conceive/carry another child?

I tried for many years to have a second baby. I nearly died in the end, and we don’t qualify for IVF. My husband desperately wants a second baby. If I came on here and said he had left me because I couldn’t deliver him a second child, I’d bet that the majority of responses wouldn’t be “well, if he wants a second he’s right that he should go off and have one”.

triedandtestedteacher · 24/04/2020 22:23

Are you guys getting married? Do you want to get married? Tbh I'd be concerned to have another child with someone who wasn't making the commitment of marriage. If he doesn't want to marry you and he doesn't want another child I'd be wondering how committed he really is?
If he isn't committed then now would be a good time to move on. You will find it far easier to find a new partner with one child in tow than you will with two and you might find someone more suitable

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