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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be emotional at the thought of not having another baby.

108 replies

m4mmy97 · 24/04/2020 16:25

Am I being unreasonable to get very emotional at the thought of not having another baby? My partner doesn't want another but I do. We only have one DS. I'm starting to think we shouldn't be together if we want different things? I don't know maybe I'm overemotional..

OP posts:

kittenrug · 24/04/2020 19:04

I’m sure an unpopular opinion and I’ll get flamed for this but I would just take the coil out without him knowing 🤷🏻‍♀️ “accidents happen all the time” 😂

AnduinsGirl · 24/04/2020 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Viviennemary · 24/04/2020 19:10

I think he has the right to know kittenrug. No way would I keep the coil in if I felt like OP. But I'd tell him what I was going to do. I think that would be fair.

CrazyKitkatLady · 24/04/2020 19:25

I really feel for you OP and understand why you’re upset but I think to have a (planned) child you both have to really want it. It’s very unfair on the child to be not wanted by one of its parents if you know that’s the case upfront. I don’t think you can convince someone to want a baby, they either do or they don’t. (I’m saying this as this child is hypothetical as you’re not currently pregnant, if you were already pregnant and he was pressuring you it would be different)

If not having more children is a dealbreaker for you then it would be fair enough for you to end it but he is right to say no if he doesn’t want another.

It’s one thing to have an idea of how many children you want when you have none but I don’t think he is being unreasonable to change his mind now he knows what the reality of parenting is even if he agreed he wanted 2 when you had none.

Original poster

m4mmy97 · 24/04/2020 19:26

There's literally no reason to not have a baby, I had preeclampsia first time but I'd be constantly monitored if I was to be pregnant again. We're financially in the best place we've ever been in, he just didn't like night feeds (I loved night feeds) and I'd be willing to do them all the time. He's a great dad, but if we don't want the same things it's just not going to work. I want this wholeheartedly, I work a weekend job and I'd literally take the shortest time off I could to make sure we'd stay financially stable (also I love my job so much).

OP posts:

peppermintcapsules · 24/04/2020 19:32

That's really the crux of it, if you don't want the same things it won't work.

BenScalesIsAGod · 24/04/2020 19:35

Does he have any reason for not wanting a second or does he just feel complete with one?

PippaPegg · 24/04/2020 19:36

Take the coil out.

It's not fair to say all along yes 2 kids and then u turn. Especially if his only concern is night feeds. That phase is so short in the grand scheme of things. Seems a stupid reason unless you have a drip feed coming about PND or allergies or something.

MerryDeath · 24/04/2020 19:39

i do. i've got 2, youngest is 3 months and he's just such a little angel and i am so more able to enjoy it this time... first was a big shock and adjustment. i feel like i know what I'm doing now so i actually take the time to smell the roses. DH doesn't want another, i, practically, economically and morally don't want another but GAHD my ovaries want 10 more.

peppermintcapsules · 24/04/2020 19:39

I don't think he's being fair. It's also telling that so few of these men who claim they never want any more children after 1 don't get vasectomies, they expect the woman to be responsible for contracepting when she's not even the one who doesn't want more kids. They leave their options open whilst dictating to you that you don't get those same options. Seen so many of these relationships split up and then the man goes with someone else, gets married and has at least another child.

TheVanguardSix · 24/04/2020 19:53

I want this wholeheartedly, I work a weekend job and I'd literally take the shortest time off I could to make sure we'd stay financially stable (also I love my job so much).

Reading this makes me think he's in no mood to look after the baby on weekends- yes, even though you'll be doing the bulk of the parenting mid-week while he's working (I assume?). OP, I see both sides. Some people just can't do the baby phase again. It's really hard for some and a breeze for others. Maybe he just got burnout the first time. I know that's not what you want to hear. And I'd love to say, "Grow a pair and crack on," to your DH, but seriously, you have to consider the fact that having a baby- for him- may be something he mentally and physically cannot deal with. What's his mental health like in general? And yours? How were you after your DC? How was he?
This could be a deal-breaker for your marriage. This is tough. I really, really feel for you. The chance to have another baby is something you should not be denied if it's something you want with all of your heart. And it sounds like there's no good reason to not have another one. I can't imagine how hard this is for you... well, no, of course I can imagine! It's time for both of you to lay all of your cards on the table. Confront every issue and get it all out there. You guys need to solve this (and taking the coil out right now is probably not the way forward).

Waveysnail · 24/04/2020 19:55

Get coil and out tell him he you will use condoms.

peppermintcapsules · 24/04/2020 19:59

The OP isn't even married, TheVanguard. He's 'DP'.

CrazyKitkatLady · 24/04/2020 20:03

I do agree as he is the one not wanting more children you would be well within your rights to make him responsible for contraception.

It would be completely wrong to “trick” him by stopping contraception and not telling him but if you tell him you’re having the coil out and it’s on him to prevent pregnancy by using condoms / getting a vasectomy that would be completely reasonable.

Viviennemary · 24/04/2020 20:11

Now you say you work weekends I can see why he doesn't want another child. Why not wait till you get regular hours.

Weirdwonders · 24/04/2020 20:15

This thread is wild. You’d leave your child’s father because you want more children? ‘Take your coil out’?

peppermintcapsules · 24/04/2020 20:18

I'd leave if we agreed that something was fundamental to our shared life goals and then he changed his mind, yes.

RabidChinchilla · 24/04/2020 20:21

Take the coil out. Really!?!!

It’s shit like this that’s responsible for so many men dodging CSA payments and assuming they were ‘tricked’ (maybe they were!).

RabidChinchilla · 24/04/2020 20:22

It’s a horrid situation if he’s changed his mind but you can’t expect him to just play along to keep you happy with a decision this life changing.

Original poster

m4mmy97 · 24/04/2020 20:23

Viviennemary, I do work regular hours we both decided it was better for me to work the weekends than not work at all.
Mentally were all good, we talk about feelings a lot because when I was a lot younger pre-DS I was depressed, I have since been 100% fine

OP posts:

mummabubs · 24/04/2020 20:25

I hear you. I'm in the same position, one toddler and always wanted a second. DH suddenly decided he doesn't want another one last year... It's not got any easier for me yet and like you I then questioned whether I should stay as it's so important to me. I guess your decision is partly do you want another child even if it's not with your husband? I'm so sorry you're in this position as I know it's heart breaking. Xx

Weirdwonders · 24/04/2020 20:27

I think lying about contraception because you want another baby is akin to a man forcing himself on his partner because he feels he’s entitled to sex.

Wewearpinkonwednesdays · 24/04/2020 20:28

I am upset about the fact we won't have another. There are a number of reasons we won't, but I don't feel my family is complete.

ScarfLadysBag · 24/04/2020 20:35

Some posts here are a bit bonkers! No, do not take your coil out. People are entitled to change their mind. It's impossible to know what having children is like before you have them, and no one should be pressured into having a child they do not want.and tricking someone into fathering a child is disgusting.

I also find it quite sad that some people would split up with their existing child's father, presuming the relationship in all other aspects is good, for a hypothetical future child who doesn't yet exist.

riotlady · 24/04/2020 20:39

I can’t believe the number of people who are saying they’d break up their family to have another kid. Seems so unfair to the child you already have.

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