Cosleeping am i going to kill my baby?

[Whatthelockdown]

I keep being told im lazy, a shit parent, i will kill my child all because i co sleep.

I BF and follow the safe sleep seven, my DD will not settle anywhere else, wakes in minutes, but, in bed with me sleeps hours.

I always make sure it is safe, do not smoke, drink, have covers over her. But i feel absolutely awful.

I've tried sleeping apart but when i get up to feed i nearly fall asleep on the sofa or sitting up in bed and im too anxious to fall asleep so go on little to no sleep otherwise which makes me awfully cranky to my partner, baby and just generally awful.

Am i being an awful parent. Is this actually so dangerous? Also keep being told feeing her to sleep is an awful, lazy and down right crap thing for her. But otherwise she cries and works herself up and up til i give in and seconds later shes asleep.

I know deep down i am just lazy and a crap parent but i just need some clarity. Please.

Have to say I find it very odd that multiple people are calling you lazy and a crap parent for co sleeping. Are you sure they didn’t just mention increased risk of sids/the safe sleeping guidelines and it made you feel they were calling you lazy and crap. Personally I did follow the safe sleeping guidelines but know lots of people who did cosleep and obviously wouldn’t judge anyone who made a different call to me.

@riotlady what I did was used a separate double bed from my partner, put my pillow at one side and slept that side, baby was laid next to the pillow so that her head was level with mine but not too close. I used a single duvet just on my side of the bed and it was further down the bed than the baby's head. I can't sleep on my back or with my arm in a weird position or without a duvet. It was not exactly proper co sleeping, but baby was safe and it meant I didn't have to keep getting out of bed to get her in and out of the cot which I preferred. I did feed sitting up as the milk used to come out of her nose if I was lying down. I did that till 3-4 months when she started only waking once, then she went in her cot and I went back in partners bed. Around that time she got quite strong and I used to get hit round the head if I wasn't careful lying next to her.

@minettechatouette agree it seems unlikely that several people called op crap and lazy for this. No one said anything to me but why would they - I didn't discuss the sleeping arrangements with anyone

@minettechatouette and @Worriedmum54321 no, i was told it in those exact words. 'do you not think that co sleeping is a bit of a lazy option? Surely just get up and get out of bed when she cries, its not that hard' 'i think its a bit of a crappy thing to do imo' 'co sleeping is just the lazy option' 'if you continue to co sleep you will end up killing her' 'personally i only know real shit parents that choose to co sleep with their babies but im not saying you are'

@Worriedmum54321 thank you! That set up sounds like a good combo of comfort + safety

@ScarfLadysBag thats so lovely!! My DD goes about 5 hours at the moment but if i placed her in her cot it would be 30 mins 😬

@Brieandcheddar eeek its scary isnt it! Sleep deprivation is awful! Yeah thats what i though too

I'm a breast feeder and co sleeper. I don't move around a lot in bed, drink or smoke like you so I was comfortable with it too.
My eldest slept in my bed for 13 years on and off and youngest and I are co sleeping and she is 5.

You are not a bad parent for making your child feel safe and loved and for helping her to get the sleep she needs and a parent who can look after her well in the day because you've got the sleep you need too. It's not everybodies thing which is fine, they don't have to do it but they should not be telling you that you are lazy and a crap parent because you sound like a terrific mum. Well done and ignore them

I co slept with my son from birth until he was 8 months. We had a co sleeper cot but even that was too far away for him! If you’re breastfeeding (as you prob know) you are really in tune with your baby and sleep lightly anyway. It’s incredibly safe as long as you are following guidelines and it’s lovely for you and baby to be able to feed lying down.

We moved our son into his own cot at 8 months because he was still feeding a lot in the night and I suspected (rightly!) that he might sleep better away from the food source! The transition was easy. I’m pregnant and will he doing it again.

In the short term, safe cosleeping reduces risk compared with an exhausted parent falling asleep feeding the baby and dropping them or then falling into a crease of the chair they are sitting on, or into loose bedding if sitting up in bed.

In the long term if i hadn't coslept I definitely would have given up breastfeeding which actually increases SIDS risk as well. I'm not saying that in terms of a breast is best thing BTW - if there was some kind of reason I couldn't cosleep, maybe medication for example, I would most likely FF because that would be the risk reduction - unsafe cosleeping but breastfed vs FF but safe sleep in cot. It's about individual risk comparison. But these are things you have to weigh up.

Personally for me the experience of cosleeping both times was fantastic and felt exactly like what I was supposed to be doing. The hormones in breastfeeding make you sleepy - you're glossed to doze off while doing it. May as well go with it and make it as safe as you can.

Cosleeping is absolutely safe, as long as you're following the safe sleeping advice. Babies cosleep with their mothers all over the world and our species has been doing for a long time. You sound like a wonderful mum!

I co-slept but not as much when really young as I was scared and had a mattress monitor. But once over 9/10 months my daughter slept in my bed until 9yrs old! I never regretted it. She’s 12 now and would hate to sleep in my bed. When I did it I made sure she was in her sleeping bag, no duvet on or near her and certainly no pillow. No co-sleeping if been drinking (not even one glass) and not if on medication. Finally always on mums side as dads more like to roll (sorry sure you know and doing all this). They say it’s unsafe but that’s if not done safely as described. We know that in countries where parents traditionally share a room and bed cot death is lower. I never put any of my children in their own room before 2. Just wasn’t risking it.

Co-sleeping is the best because that’s how we are meant to sleep. BF when needed, a touch to calm the baby sometimes - instead of waking up, you settle back to sleep much quicker so you are rested. Rather than listening out for the baby or trying to sleep with the noise of a bay monitor.

If you are worried - settle the baby between the pillows, at your head level.

There are little cots that sits right next to your bed, attached, with the side down, so you can effectively co-sleep without any of the attendant concerns.

I personally don't like co-sleeping. I'm a FTM and I was terrified to do it

That said, I BF for the first 4 months and often the only way my DS would settle was after being BF in my bed and then DH would transfer to him to his cot. Some babies don't like being transferred so I can understand why it's the best way for you.

I'm sure if you're comfortable and you follow the safety guidelines then you'll be fine.

You know your own baby and what's best for you, I didn't feel comfortable but what works for some, doesn't work for others and if it works for you then go for it.

*this isn't an anti-cosleeping post, I was miserable through the newborn stage and would've tried anything to get my baby to sleep.
I was lucky my DS slept through being transferred x

You sound as far away from a crap mum as can be. Can I ask a stupid question though - what do you wear and what does the baby wear to keep warm? Do you have thermal PJ's and the baby sleep in a gro bag? I would have loved to have co-slept but I had awful night terrors of falling asleep with him on me and him then being underneath me that I couldn't bring myself to do it. I can't wait until he is old enough for in bed cuddles... Its a long way off though. He is only 5 months.

I was terrified of cosleeping at first and spent a horrific 6months+ dazed and confused and up every two hours.

Then I decided to actually read the research on it. It’s very low risk, possibly even better for the baby than being in a cot, as long as you follow guidelines. I’ve coslept with all 3 now. If anyone comments again, I’d ask them if they’ve actually read any research about it.

Of course the professionals can’t recommend it because they would have to take into account people’s lifestyles, partners etc and they’d come across as really judgy. Plus it would send a confused message to those who truly are at risk. But the stats show that it is safe if done properly.

@Chillipeanuts try telling my DD that that's still co sleeping 😂 she has to be right next to me at all timrs lol

If you are worried - settle the baby between the pillows, at your head level.

Absolutely do not do this - you are at much higher risk of smothering them with the bedding if you do. Baby must be at breast level to the mother, who is sleeping in the protective C-position. Preferably facing towards the edge of the bed, with some kind of protection against falling out (co-sleeper cot, well fitted bed guard with no gaps, or mattress on the floor).

This is why co-sleeping is considered more risky BTW - it's not that it's inherently dangerous because it's not, it's just that it's very easy to do it "wrongly" while thinking you're not breaking guidelines, whereas a cot is specifically designed to be a safe sleep space for a baby and you have to actually add things to it to make it unsafe, an adult bed is not. Co-sleeping evolved as a protective/instinctive mechanism well before we had things like duvets, mattresses and pillows (and even then, for it to be successful only most babies would have to survive, not every baby - co-sleeping was definitely safer than leaving the baby alone to contract hypothermia or be eaten by a predator.)

Pogo with my first (October) he just wore a sleepsuit and vest, I wore pyjamas and a dressing gown over my top arm, and kept the duvet around my back/legs. We had a cellular blanket over both of us.

With my second (August) I wore light pyjamas and so did he, we had a light blanket we shared. But as it got into winter I'd often wear a onesie and put him in a sleeping bag, that allowed me to keep the covers well away.

Studies show from 4 months there is no higher risk from co-sleeping than cot sleeping unless you are a smoker or have been drinking/on medication that makes you drowsy. So if you want to have cuddles in bed your baby is not too young, but it is advised to keep pillows and duvets away from them until they are at least one.

Tjsmumma

So sorry, a long time since I had to think about these things!
I’m going to be a first time granny in a month (and my daughter has bought one of them). I was thinking more along the lines of feeding in bed and then gently sliding across to the cot next to you as they nodded off. It usually worked with ours.

You are absolutely not being a bad, lazy or crap parent. I have co slept since birth - (I did have a snuzpod, got used once) and baby now 18 months. It makes us both very happy and I haven’t squashed him yet! Doubt I will now as he has a good loud squawk and a kick like a small pony.

You may want to think about joining some Facebook groups such as UK co-sleepers, and biologically normal infant sleep as these groups will give you positive feedback on your choices and show you that you aren’t alone. Some breastfeeding groups will also promote co-sleeping too as these often go hand in hand.

@Chillipeanuts no i was joking dont worry!

No ive tried it! She will stir and then move around still sleeping with arms to see if she can feel me next to her if not she wakes! Dont want to wfao anything round her or anythig due to the risks it involves! She went 6hrs next to me last night so x