Cosleeping am i going to kill my baby?

[Whatthelockdown]

I keep being told im lazy, a shit parent, i will kill my child all because i co sleep.

I BF and follow the safe sleep seven, my DD will not settle anywhere else, wakes in minutes, but, in bed with me sleeps hours.

I always make sure it is safe, do not smoke, drink, have covers over her. But i feel absolutely awful.

I've tried sleeping apart but when i get up to feed i nearly fall asleep on the sofa or sitting up in bed and im too anxious to fall asleep so go on little to no sleep otherwise which makes me awfully cranky to my partner, baby and just generally awful.

Am i being an awful parent. Is this actually so dangerous? Also keep being told feeing her to sleep is an awful, lazy and down right crap thing for her. But otherwise she cries and works herself up and up til i give in and seconds later shes asleep.

I know deep down i am just lazy and a crap parent but i just need some clarity. Please.

A few years ago I found some research that said that if you are bf and following the guidelines then statistically your baby’s chances of SIDS are lower cosleeping than in a cot. It was a sleep centre named after a UK city beginning with B I think. Maybe Bristol?

I found that my instinct was to sleep with my newborn in exactly the way the guidelines say anyway. As a lovely midwife said to me, every mammal on the planet sleeps with its young. What else would we do if we hadn’t invented cots? You’re not going to squash your baby.

I'm currently feeding my 18mo to sleep getting ready for a night of cosleeping. Many BF babies are like this, I too remember not sleeping for more than an hour a day for 5 weeks until I finally did what she wanted and what felt right! Don't beat yourself up, my one regret was not doing it from day 1 and giving myself such a hard time about it.

It's really easy to judge when you don't have a baby who won't sleep... I was always a bit anti-cosleeping with my first who would genuinely sleep anywhere. I have been punished for this attitude with a second baby who won't sleep anywhere other than on me or in a sleepyhead....you're doing great.

@bushhbb we have a cot up against the bed and she just refuses. Im only anxious as every one is making me 😅 Yes, i always wake up in tje exact same position, completely unmoved.

@AbsolomChautney never really thought of it like that, thank you

@GirlCalledJames definitely i understand the slight risk, hence why ivd been trying other options but im absolutely shattered, getting about 2hrs altogether throughout the day and night, i cant nap during the day and just awfully tired and cranky all the time. Thank you!

@AnneLovesGilbert many people even health care professionals.

@FitzChivalry yes i always make it safe, set uo bed before we get in, i always thought a prepared safe sleep space would be safer than an unsafe unplanned sleep. Thank you

@Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese i know, but i keep having this drummed into myself and its making me feel like i am. I jjsttwant want to do whats best for DD and she's always so happy, just more grouchy when we dont co sleep and shes constantly waking. I love feeding her to sleep, its a lovely cuddly time that only we have just assumed it was wrong.

@Enidcat5 thank you so much for your kind words. Yes its always safe, i follow all the guidelines and have done so much research into it so think thats why im so upset hearing this as a FTM and she's only 4 months its awful to hear and second guess myself

Also feeding to sleep is completely natural, it shows how comfortable and safe they feel...for a tiny baby its pretty much impossible to keep a breastfed baby awake when they're feeding. And a lot of other babies thumb suck or use a dummy to get to sleep because the sucking helps them sleep.

It sounds like you're getting advice from people who think cuddling babies or picking them up when they cry will spoil them and breastfeeding is unnatural etc

I am still co-sleeping with and breastfeeding my DS, who is 3.

Due second baby soon and plan on co-sleeping and breastfeeding again.

If you’re an awful parent, then I am too.

Your HV told you that you were a lazy and crap parent for co-sleeping. I'd be reporting her ass. And as for you ILs, I'd be telling dh to have word and tell them to wind there neck in.

I was just the same at first. But then I realised, I had little choice. DD fed all through the night and I ended up so tired that it happened anyway.

When I finally just went with it, it was lovely. And did the same with my second. As they got older, it was the point in the evening they’d talk to me about important things. I can honestly say it’s the best parenting decision I ever made.

FYI I have always enjoyed cosleeping precisely because it feels safer to me. If my DS is suddenly sick in the night or his temp shoots up - I’m right there! It’s the biological norm for a mammal to sleep with its young, and you are mitigating the “man made” danger introduced into such a natural equation by ensuring no blankets and no smoking or drinking etc. I find it baffling that people want their teeny tiny baby in an entirely different room.

No your not lazy you are doing your best, don’t worry about what other people think. You got this x

Oh, and it’s a lot more dangerous to get up 100 times a night with your DC and risk falling asleep sitting up or in another precarious situation, than to prepare and plan for safe co sleeping.

There’s a reason breastfeeding makes you, the mother, tired. It’s because you’re supposed to sleep with them when they feed etc.

@snowy0wl yes, definitely, i was definitely not expecting this response, actually got happy tears which feels great. Yes! She doesnt even wake, just turns over and sort of waves about to wake me and latches on. My DP never had a single issue and has always been verh understanding and goes on what i want which is great.

@Kittywampus thank you! Ill look into it!

@OoohTheStatsDontLie thats exactly what i found in my research that it was normal in a lot of countries just the western world, i also read it was a big thing to introduce people into buying things. I know research found it to be unsafe but only if you didnt follow the rules like you say.

@FabbyChix thank you!

@jannika thank you i shall try! I was not expecting this much positivity if im honest!

@pressureofaname thanj you! I think i read something similar, that's great to hear!

@adag i get that completely i was similar before DD. I was anxious about it, yeah ahes getting better but does only like contact naps!

You are not a crap parent! Personally though I would never co sleep with a baby, I just couldn't take the risk.

Your not a shit parent at all! Co-sleeping is lovely. Iv done it with all 3 of mine. Currently still am with my 16 week old baby girl. I also think its pretty hard to not do it whilst bf-ing!

It's the only thing that worked for me, still do.it,boy is nearly 5, we both love it xx

I co-slept until she was 2. She is 9 now and still spends far too many nights in my bed (I wouldn’t change it for the world!)

We co-slept right from the start (older son is 20 now) and fed to sleep till the day we stopped breastfeeding entirely (2 and a half for both of them).

Had no problems with getting them to go to bed, go to sleep, stay asleep, stay in their own bed (in fact I don't think either of them has slept in our bed since the day they moved into their own). Currently having a few issues getting them to wake up in the morning....

How old is your baby OP? There’s a massive difference between co-sleeping with a newborn and a 4month old.

@underneaththeashe is 4 months (18 weeks) and 17lbs so a big baby

You Co sleep, she sleeps longer, u sleep longer and have more energy for her the next day. If that's what works for you then don't worry what anyone else thinks

OP please don’t doubt yourself.
I co slept with my DD until she was 2 (she’s 3 now) and currently having a snuggle with 1yo DS who has interloped in our bed since the 4 month regression.
I thought I would do it all differently this time around but I need my sleep and this is the best way for us. As long as you’re safe co sleeping, carry on

When people say they could never do it or it’s a risk etc and haven’t tried it, it’s so stupid.

I was exactly the same before I had a baby. My mother Co slept with all of that and I judged her massively and was sure the risk of rolling on baby is so great. It’s only when you actually do it yourself you realise how ridiculous a fear that really is - how biology makes it impossible. How, without noticing that it’s what you do, your body forms a protective “C” shape around your baby to prevent this.

It's normal and natural. I bed shared with each dd until they were about 2. They got better quality sleep and so did I.

It's a beautiful bonding experience so stop feeling guilty and enjoy your baby.

Your dc will have happy sleep associations as you are always there to meet their needs. They want closeness and security.

@OoohTheStatsDontLie yes i guess so! I never thought of it like that, she definitely only really feels 100% safe with me. Yeah, they dislike breastfeeding and think its totally unnecessary now due tk bottles being there, i have to express and use bottles around them as i feel so awkward doing it.

@DrReed I did ask for another one and never got one now they dont answer my messages or reply.

@crispysausagerolls i absolutely love it, i sleep so much better knowing she is there and safe and if anything happened id know straight away. I couldn't think about putting her in another room.

@slave2love do you mind me asking if yoh BF? If you do, how do yoj get around night feeds etc?

@Mumoflittles @clarepetal @home42 thank yoh so much ❤️

@merryhouse thank you! Gives me reassurance I'm dojng the right thing and not spoiling her or making her always sleep with us! She's 18 weeks and i just hate hearing her cry so its just much easier lol

You're obviously responsible and know the guidance :) am a bit tempted to go and wake the 3yo and snuggle up now