Cosleeping am i going to kill my baby?

[Whatthelockdown]

I keep being told im lazy, a shit parent, i will kill my child all because i co sleep.

I BF and follow the safe sleep seven, my DD will not settle anywhere else, wakes in minutes, but, in bed with me sleeps hours.

I always make sure it is safe, do not smoke, drink, have covers over her. But i feel absolutely awful.

I've tried sleeping apart but when i get up to feed i nearly fall asleep on the sofa or sitting up in bed and im too anxious to fall asleep so go on little to no sleep otherwise which makes me awfully cranky to my partner, baby and just generally awful.

Am i being an awful parent. Is this actually so dangerous? Also keep being told feeing her to sleep is an awful, lazy and down right crap thing for her. But otherwise she cries and works herself up and up til i give in and seconds later shes asleep.

I know deep down i am just lazy and a crap parent but i just need some clarity. Please.

It's fine just follow the guidelines

You are significantly raising the likelihood of it.

The safe sleeping guidelines are bs. Babies have still died when parents have followed all of them. The risk is from smothering and from positional asphyxiation- no adult mattress is firm enough to support a newborn's head. There is no way you can be 100% sure you won't roll over and suffocate the baby - it takes seconds.

Ignore the "other cultures do it" bit. I'm from one of those cultures and babies die all the time, people just don't talk about it and deaths are not recorded correctly.

Ignore the survivorship bias. Yes many babies survive. Babies survive a lot of unsafe practices.

Get your baby in a proper crib, alone.

"it's no one elses business and calling any new parent lazy and saying they're going to kill their child is very unhelpful and nasty"

Would you say the same to someone who said they couldn't be bothered with a car seat?

No. You'd tell them it was dangerous and irresponsible. Likewise with bed sharing. It is dangerous. Babies die from it. Why pretend otherwise?

"It’s only when you actually do it yourself you realise how ridiculous a fear that really is - how biology makes it impossible."

No, it is not impossible Go and look up the many cases where babies have smothered to death under a parent's arm or breast before you pass on this utter nonsense.

Well if you’re a shit parent then I must be as well. Still co sleeping with my twins at 18 months with no plans to stop.

Co sleeping saved my life. I’d be dead from exhaustion by now otherwise.

we co sleep here! DD is 20months and I can’t see it ending. She will go down in her cot but wakes around midnight and won’t settle anywhere else except my bed. My mum told me it’s silly to spend hours fighting her when Co sleeping means we all get much needed rest. As long as ur safe that’s all that matter x

OP I can hand on heart say you are doing great and nothing wrong here. My first, I hissed at anyone that mentioned cosleeping because 'I would never risk it, I'm not stupid'... I said it all. I spent every minute of my day OBSESSING over his sleep. He had silent reflux granted, and woke every 40mins for MONTHS. and time and time again I persisted trying to get him to sleep in his basket or cot. I then tried laying down to feed him and it was a revolution. By then he was probably around 9months old though. My second is now 3mo and I have Co slept since the day he was born. I absolutely love it. He sleeps, i sleep. He's happy, I am thrilled (re point 1 about sleep) I get cuddles, he feels safe. I wish to god I had done this with my first. Do not feel guilty for feeding to sleep. They will grow out of it in their own time. Make the most of every cuddle. You will never, ever, ever look back and wish you had cuddled them less.

I loved it! Yes it was necessary as she wasnt sleeping and I felt like a bag of shit most mornings until one night I decided enough was enough and have loved it since.

No unnecessary risks and was very careful. I loved it. Honestly those warm snuggly hands all cuddled in!

I hope you're ok. People have lots of advice they feel the need to share a thousand times over.

I'm co sleeping with DD3 and the others have all been in our bed at some point during the night. DD3 is a very sicky baby, as soon as you move her she wakes and throws up so she can't go in a basket. I breastfeed her to sleep which allows her to get into a nice sleep with no sick.

I co-slept with all 3. Hard mattress, light quilt, bed guard. All adult now.

I co-slept with my DS after three months of waking up hourly and having to do shifts with DH fighting to keep our eyes open. After that it was brilliant and we all got some rest. He transitioned to his own bed easily and is now 3.

Just had DD and have been wrestling with the anxiety over whether we should do it again, so have been trying to read as much research as possible.

Re SIDS, if you look at UNICEF they list all the research papers from the past few decades. Most studies have their flaws but can help you make up your own mind.

There's one help sheet which says looking at 2017 as an example year, it was 50/50 cots and co-sleeping where deaths occurred, but 90% of the co-sleeping deaths were in hazardous circumstances (so could have been on a sofa, with a drunk adult etc). Most of the research does point towards the risk being lesser with co-sleeping if safe. Obviously suffocation is slightly different and does worry me, but there seems to be a lot of research on mothers being in sync with their babies and sleeping more lightly as a result.

Safe co-sleeping is fine, once upon a time it was entirely the norm and in many cultures still is.

@YesThatIsMyRealName She isn't a newborn she is 4 snd a half months. My matrress is actually harder than her one next to me. But yes, thanks for the agreement that im a crap, lazy parent. I shall continue. Could you please link these buts of information you have?

@YesThatIsMyRealName

Gosh. If I was you I’d be ashamed of your posts.

I cosleep.
I researched it and it's nonsense that it's unsafe (as long as you can follow the guidelines).
Look up BASIS - baby sleep information source.
You are not lazy or crap and looking after your own sleep so you have energy to be a parent is more important.
And the person saying it's not 100 percent risk free - nothing is - leaving a baby alone also has risks and there is some evidence that breastfed babies are safest cosleeping.

I felt like you with my first. It was more dangerous for me to try and stay awake to feed her than it was to safely co-sleep but no one told me that. So I persevered and I’m quite sure that the torturous lack of sleep played a part in my PND.

2nd child didn’t need to co sleep, she was a natural put down and self soother.

3rd child was different and I’d decided by this point that everyone else’s advice was shit and they could go to hell. She co-slept until she was 5.

DC4 - well I’m looking at her now safely snug in my bed and I’m quite happy that she’s there, she’ll sleep through the night. She’s 7 years old by the way. Struggling with nightmares and change in routine so she’s in with me until she decides her own bed is ok again. And if anyone tells me I’m not doing it right... well, I don’t care. It’s right for her.

Of course you're not a crap parent! I've slept with my (protected by all safety measures out there, of course!) child in my bed occasionally ever since she was born. She's 4, too large and too agile for me to crush at this point and still very alive!

Also - and no, this was not a safety issue at all (but a huge emotional safety contributor): I crawled back into my own mum's bed one night at the age of 22, having just gone through the first really serious breakup of my life, unable to cope emotionally and just wanting to be 5 and on mummy's lap again.

I'm not an attachment parenting type in general, but the fact that I remember the above as a moment when, even as a young adult, I just felt utterly loved, safe and comforted at a moment of sheer desperation IMO does speak to what having a parent close actually means to a child on an emotional level.

So long as you're heeding safety rules, I think you're doing your child an enormous favour!

@YesThatIsMyRealName

Quote some sources for your scaremongering. give examples where a baby has died when all 7 safe sleeping guidelines have been adhered to.

I fed to sleep and co slept too and now DD is 3 and sleeping alone as she should - do what's right for you ( and what guarantees the most sleep!)

No idea but I did the same thing and my three are all still alive. I even lost them down the bottom of my duvet on several occasions

If you're on Facebook, check out the Beyond Sleep training Project group

@user1464279374 yes all my research found as long as you follow the sleep safe seven you should be pretty safe! Thank you

@Lalapurple thanks ill look into that! Very true, ive known people lose DC for cot sleeping and co sleeping but had underlying reasons i.e smoking or drug taking.

@BabbleBee thank you so much for sharing your story!!

@BrexpatInSwitzerland thanks for the share of your lovely story but hate hearing you had a rough break up! I hope one day my DD feels safe like that to! Yes i always sleep safely with her! Arm above her head, c shape, no smoke, drink or drugs and i wake up with every movement. She is a massive baby 90th percentile, full term etc!

@crispysausagerolls exactly my point, everything i read stated one thing hadn't been followed i.e smoking, drinking, blankets etc

I co sleep and I reckon a lot more mums do than you think or than admit openly to. Some ppl are obsessed with getting babies into their own beds, sleeping through from day dot - it’s not bloody natural or achievable (unless ur ridiculously lucky and that’s all it is - luck)

It’s almost impossible to get a new born / young baby to settle in their own cot / Moses / crib

It’s not natural to expect this tiny little human who has spent 10 months inside of you, being part of you, to suddenly settle without your heartbeat / smell / touch etc

I tried the side cot with my first but spent probably 70% of the time co sleeping and wasted sooooo many nights trying to settle them into the cot. Many frustrating hours and tears from us both.

Next baby I co sleep with, I also have a side cot but as of yet it’s not being used. I will make a slow transition when we’re both ready.

Sleep deprivation is dangerous and in my mind, the cause of most post natal issues

I’ve co slept with all of mine, eldest two are now in their own bed but the youngest (8 months) still in our bed!

The only down side of co sleeping is that my shoulders are wrecked from having arms above and round. I can barely lift my arms some mornings.

I can’t bloody wait to have my body and bed back (it is worth it though!)