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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cosleeping am i going to kill my baby?

149 replies

Whatthelockdown · 23/04/2020 20:59

I keep being told im lazy, a shit parent, i will kill my child all because i co sleep.

I BF and follow the safe sleep seven, my DD will not settle anywhere else, wakes in minutes, but, in bed with me sleeps hours.

I always make sure it is safe, do not smoke, drink, have covers over her. But i feel absolutely awful.

I've tried sleeping apart but when i get up to feed i nearly fall asleep on the sofa or sitting up in bed and im too anxious to fall asleep so go on little to no sleep otherwise which makes me awfully cranky to my partner, baby and just generally awful.

Am i being an awful parent. Is this actually so dangerous? Also keep being told feeing her to sleep is an awful, lazy and down right crap thing for her. But otherwise she cries and works herself up and up til i give in and seconds later shes asleep.

I know deep down i am just lazy and a crap parent but i just need some clarity. Please.

OP posts:
Nameisthegame · 23/04/2020 22:37

Dd is almost 3 still bf and co sleep. I get better sleep than anybody else with similar ages Lisa and I love her morning hello. Safer to co sleep than pass out on the couch or chair. Although I found it much better without my ex in the bed.

Waveysnail · 23/04/2020 22:41

You do the risk assessment and decide what's right for you. Opionions like arses everyone has one. I breastfed and co slept with two of mine. Dh felt uncomfortable in the bed with baby so he slept separately. Baby was in sleep bag and I slept in thick fleece PJ so didnt use covers. Baby was always on outside of bed. I didnt enjoy it but at least as made me anxious tbh but we got some rest

BrexpatInSwitzerland · 23/04/2020 22:44

it’s not bloody natural or achievable (unless ur ridiculously lucky and that’s all it is - luck)

We've this ridiculously over-achieving colleague at work. Literally nobody was surprised when he turned back up after a month of parental leave stating "I've no idea what you guys are doing wrong - so, basically, we put the baby in her cot and she sleeps through the night!". We all love him, but it also made us all suspect he was secretly a robot. Grin

jgjgjgjgjg · 23/04/2020 22:46

Maybe point anyone who is criticising you in the direction of the actual evidence on the subject? And refuse to engage with them unless and until they have read it?

www.basisonline.org.uk/parents-bed/

Original poster
Whatthelockdown · 23/04/2020 22:46

@waveysnail yes she is in her sleepbag also and i dont usually use a, blanket especially in this heat if i fo its thin and up to my waist and tucked in, and her feet over the top so i don't pull it up over her. Thank you very true.

@Nameisthegame yes exactly what i thought i kept nearly falling asleep or falling asleep on sofa which seems to be most risky.

@Grumpos thank you!! I completely agree ❤️

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 23/04/2020 22:57

We've this ridiculously over-achieving colleague at work. Literally nobody was surprised when he turned back up after a month of parental leave stating "I've no idea what you guys are doing wrong - so, basically, we put the baby in her cot and she sleeps through the night!".

How old is his baby now?

I had a unicorn baby. From about 4 or 5 weeks she slept 11 or 12 hours a night, straight through, EBF and leaving me with mega boobs the first couple of times. No one could believe it. She did that till the day she turned 4 months. Let’s just say the sleep regression is real, a fucking mare and at 13 months she’s in with me cosleeping Grin.

She actually goes down fine at bedtime, feed, dummy, cuddles, singing, nods off in my arms, doesn’t notice transfer to her cot. But once she’s up for a feed she’s in with us, she knows and won’t settle back unless she’s at my side.

TiddleTaddleTat · 23/04/2020 23:00

Why do you feel awful?
You've said you're following safe practice.
Many mums who BF do the same across the whole world and have done for thousands of years.

ponchek · 23/04/2020 23:10

Co sleeping is perfect and natural. You're being a great parent. Don't worry,

Original poster
Whatthelockdown · 23/04/2020 23:11

@BrexpatInSwitzerland imagine how lush that would be 🙈

@TiddleTaddleTat because im being told i should be feeling that way

OP posts:
quarantinevibes · 23/04/2020 23:14

Co slept with mine from newborn until toddlers. Not by choice I had a bedside crib each time but I was exhausted and it was the only place they would settle. Please don’t beat yourself up Flowers you’re doing great.

PlinkPlink · 23/04/2020 23:16

Currently writing this whilst im laying next to my 3yo DS.

You are not shit. You are not awful. You are not making a rod for your own back. You are not putting the life of your child at risk if you follow the guidelines.
Shit like that pisses me off no end.

With my first, he was BF all the way until i got pg with no.2 (currently 7.5 months pg). We co-slept every single night. I fed him to sleep every nap and night time. He needed that closeness and that comfort. We tried sleep training -never ever again.

I have a co sleeper crib ready for DD's arrival but only because its really not safe for a toddler to co-sleep with a baby. He could roll on to her in the night. He could climb over me and on to her. So for safety reasons, we have a co- sleeper. If he slept through the whole night on his own i wouldnt bother and i would co-sleep all over again.

It gave us more sleep.
It was so easy to feed him.
It was such a special bonding time.
I never slept deeply when i co slept - always semi alert and somehow listening when i slept.
He came off the boob in his own time - stress free.

No-one else can tell you what is right for your family. Please dont listen to that negative tripe. Do it safely of course but dont listen to ill advised, ill informed people who actually have no experience of your own individual situation.

Ezira · 23/04/2020 23:17

I was uncomfortable co sleeping with a tiny newborn because it seemed very risky, but by about 4-6 months it was fine. It’s safer if only two of you are in the bed though - you can move more towards the middle so the baby is further from the edge. As long as you’re following guidelines for safe co sleeping them it should be fine. It’s certainly safer than being exhausted and falling asleep sitting up holding the baby - that happened to me a few times before I resorted to co sleeping.

FAQs · 23/04/2020 23:20

I co-slept with my daughter, I remember a friend pressuring me it was wrong and then went onto Co-sleep with her other children ... some people just like I give an opinion, just do wants best for you and your child.

Bluebooby · 23/04/2020 23:34

When I woke up in the early hours one morning, sat upright in a chair with dd in my arms and a stone floor beneath us, is when I decided to stop torturing myself and just take her to bed with me. I made it as safe as I could and got some much needed rest. I didn't look back and I wouldn't have changed it for the world either. It was lovely to have her with me. If you're a bad and lazy parent then so am I, but I'm ok with that. The only people to disapprove where dp's family. But they also disapproved of me breastfeeding her past 6 weeks (she bf for 3 years).

Bluebooby · 23/04/2020 23:38

Were* rather.

Oh and I'm possibly the heaviest sleeper I've ever met, but I slept so lightly when dd was a baby. It was like an instinct. I'm back to pretty much comatose now she's older but back then I was very alert.

sweetkitty · 23/04/2020 23:38

I coslept with all four of my DC. All went into their own beds and rooms when they were ready. Didn’t sleep with me at age 5 or 15.

In countries where cosleeping is the norm the have much lower rates of SIDs that we do. Cosleeping was the way we evolved to sleep with our babies.

indemMUND · 23/04/2020 23:39

You're not a shit parent at all. I didn't breastfeed or co sleep. My choice. Power to you Thanks

Theresnobslikeshowb · 23/04/2020 23:42

We did. Result? Everyone had a full nights sleep every night.

Original poster
Whatthelockdown · 23/04/2020 23:48

@indemMUND absolutely lovely comment, thank you!❤️

OP posts:
caffeine99 · 24/04/2020 00:45

Please don't say you are a crap parent. I co&slept with both of my children. They were happy, attached, and mostly slept through the night. Both were breastfed and both nursed throughout the night as infants but I could kindve doze because they were in bed with me.

When I night weaned they stayed with me because they slept better.

Sleep is important to me. When the kids sleep with me they sleep through the night. That means everyone is well slept. And if I am well slept I am happy and then EVERYONE is happy.

I haven't read through all the comments here but my guess has always been that more people do this than they admit. I always happily talk about cosleeping. I often joke about it... But I am 100% happy with my choice.

PanicOnTheStreets85 · 24/04/2020 02:10

I felt exactly the same as you OP about a year and a half ago. I had been really against co-sleeping before the birth and tried feeding sitting up at first but kept falling asleep as I was so tired. I was terrified I would drop him or smother him whilst doing that so I turned to co-sleeping out of desperation. I'm so glad I did.

It sounds like you know about the Safe Sleep 7. There's a really good book from La Leche League here which explains all the stats: www.amazon.co.uk/Sweet-Sleep-Nighttime-Strategies-Breastfeeding/dp/178066155X/ref=nodl_?tag=mumsnetforu03-21. I didn't actually have time to read it all as I was so busy with my baby but skim-read enough of it to reassure me.

Also I heartily recommend these adult sleeping bags www.slumbersac.co.uk/adult-sleeping-bag-with-feet-stars.html. They look absolutely ridiculous but I never have to worry about DS getting tangled up in a blanket.

FlamedToACrisp · 24/04/2020 02:29

I co-slept with my first baby. One morning we woke and couldn't find him. He was at the end of the bed, completely rolled up inside the quilt, with a thick layer all around him including his face! He was fine - but we stopped after that.

Jupiter202020201 · 24/04/2020 06:42

You’re doing fantastic. There are other countries who have lower SIDS rates than the U.K. who mostly co sleep with their babies. Co sleeping is only dangerous if it’s not done correctly or you have been drinking or on heavy meds etc.

I co slept with my daughter from day one after a c section and major post partum heamorrage I was ruined and had no partner or help - co sleeping is the only way we survived those early days. You’ll have a great bond. Nothing lazy about it and well done for doing what you feel is working best for you.
People still cringe when I tell them we co slept - but I did my research and my daughter now sleeps in a cot at 12 months old and has done for the past two months.

crispysausagerolls · 24/04/2020 07:46

By the way - you can by wooden bed sides like a cot which attach to your bed from safetots. Turns a super king bed into a super king cot for the whole family 😁

Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/04/2020 07:48

I co slept with Ds2 and wish I had with DS1
I didn’t as read all that stuff you did
It was so
Much better for sleep and rest and actually for bonding and my MH

Yanbu !