To cut off a friend for drunk nasty text?

[judemom]

I have a friend who consumes a lot of alcohol, but very sweet, sometimes shuts down, at times angry at her situation.

Out of nowhere, last night she started a nice text to me, then went into accusations that I am awful, that she thinks 'alcoholism has been around forever', etc.

We have never had a nasty exchange. I had a feeling she had been drinking, due to her erratic texts and odd emojis, then out of the blue 'you're either the best or the worst person I know'.

I understand the lockdown is causing a lot of people to behave erratic and feel anxiety.

My issue is that she has always been a alcoholic - a functioning one but nonetheless an alcoholic.

AIBU to slowly cut ties? I am baffled at her texts, so I didn't bother even responding except with nice words.

She shouldn't have berated you the way she did. She lashed out. That's not fair. It's hard to say more on that without knowing what she said. People have very different ideas of what nasty messages constitute in my experience.

But, she sounds in a bad place. You say you've never had unpleasant exchanges before. You say your issue is that she is an alcoholic. Really, unless it affects you, that's her issue, not yours though. It makes me think you mightcome across to her as judgmental at times. Do you think that might be the reason behind what she said to you, that she feels misunderstood, that she knows she has issues and needs support and love, rather than judgement? She's probably angry with herself too.

Personally, I'd calm down and then talk it through calmly with her. She'll probably apologise. I'd ask her why she said what she said and whether that was how she really felt about our friendship. Take it from there.

I guess my bottom line is, true friends love each other warts and all. That doesn't mean you shouldn't remove toxic people from your life when things become abusive. But one conversation isn't abusive. It's a pattern you need to worry about.

I would do what my husband advised me to do in a similar position. Text (I phoned at the time, as it was pre-texting) 'the way you texted me was insulting. I do not wish to have anything to do with you until you have taken the decision to be sober. I will fully support you in that, but do not contact me until you have been sober for 3 months at least.'

The first sign of her not respecting that is a blocking situation

You are not responsible for her welfare - because nothing you do can change her. Change has to come from her. She has to be the driver of it. A relationship of any kind with an alcoholic is damaging to your own mental health. Anyone who has feelings of guilt upon the death of an alcoholic after cutting them off is only demonstrating the codependency that kept them hooked into the toxic relationship in the first place.

All credit to @JarOfFarts for that admirably honest post - fully reflects what my brother said when he was sober leading up to his death from cancer.

@christmasfluff

I would do what my husband advised me to do in a similar position. Text (I phoned at the time, as it was pre-texting) 'the way you texted me was insulting. I do not wish to have anything to do with you until you have taken the decision to be sober. I will fully support you in that, but do not contact me until you have been sober for 3 months at least.'

This is mad advice! Alcoholism is an illness. When alcoholics say mean things when drink they are projecting what they think about themselves. And saying to someone they must be ‘sober for three months’ is totally unrealistic .. an alcoholic has to get through one day at a time .. just one day .. OPs friend is probably mortified and beating herself up right now .. in saying that she definitely should apologise to OP.. and then if they’re good friends can put it behind them

Very sad Salome. I cut ties she was difficult on nights out. Wine didnt suit her. I just decided the nights out were no break for me. Bumped into her lately just general chat. I dont regret it. These people dont change.