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AIBU?

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Original poster

To cut off a friend for drunk nasty text?

129 replies

judemom · 23/04/2020 17:57

I have a friend who consumes a lot of alcohol, but very sweet, sometimes shuts down, at times angry at her situation.

Out of nowhere, last night she started a nice text to me, then went into accusations that I am awful, that she thinks 'alcoholism has been around forever', etc.

We have never had a nasty exchange. I had a feeling she had been drinking, due to her erratic texts and odd emojis, then out of the blue 'you're either the best or the worst person I know'.

I understand the lockdown is causing a lot of people to behave erratic and feel anxiety.

My issue is that she has always been a alcoholic - a functioning one but nonetheless an alcoholic.

AIBU to slowly cut ties? I am baffled at her texts, so I didn't bother even responding except with nice words.

OP posts:
FallonSwift · 23/04/2020 18:53

No need to gradually cut ties - just do it.

Text her back and tell her you don't want to Facetime her because of how nasty she's been - and that in fact you have reached the end of your road with the friendship and will not be contacting her again.

Then block.

MimiLaRue · 23/04/2020 18:54

I've never forgiven myself, it is an illness, I should have been a better friend and encouraged her to get help

Ive worked with addicts. You sounds like a lovely friend but I'm afraid you supporting her wouldnt have made a jot of difference to her alcoholism. If she couldn't stop drinking for the sake of her own daughter then why would you think she'd do it for you? Recovery only happens when the person wants to change. Noone can persuade an addict to get help if they dont want to. It would be great if we could but unfortunately, thats the nature of addiction.

Casmama · 23/04/2020 18:55

I think I would face time her today to give her an opportunity to apologise.
I can understand you might not want to but my experience with my oldest friend who is an alcoholic is that she will likely fucking hate herself for what she has written so let her say sorry. By all means cut ties with her later or gradually pull away but it doesn't need to be today.

cupcakehurricane101 · 23/04/2020 18:58

She probably doesn't remember if she wants to facetime and not text to say sorry or feel embarrassed some way.
I would cut ties if she constantly does this, I cut ties with an alcoholic friends who I felt extremely sorry for, but the last straw came when I found myself in her bathroom wrestling a knife from her to stop her stabbing herself in a drunken fit. Was horrible. So I never spoke to her again.

Mittens030869 · 23/04/2020 18:58

Tbh, I wouldn't have much sympathy for her; it sounds harsh, but it sounds like she's got away with her behaviour because there have been no consequences for her.

I've had my own battle with alcohol over the years due to suffering from complex PTSD as a result of suffering childhood SA as a child. My emotions have occasionally got the better of me and I've snapped at my DH, DM and DSis. But I've always apologised immediately for doing so and I've never used alcohol as an excuse.

As I see it, alcohol isn't an excuse for lashing out at those close to us. I would say that if your friend doesn't own her bad behaviour and apologise to you for it, and make a commitment to change her behaviour, you shouldn't feel you have to be her emotional punch bag. Especially as she seems to have zero awareness about how unacceptable her treatment of you and others has been.

You shouldn't feel that pulling away from her is selfish. It really isn't, it sounds as if you have enough to deal with in your own life, we all do right now. Thanks

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 23/04/2020 18:59

I'd say " yes, actually, please do FaceTime as we need to discuss how you spoke to me last night"

Ponoka7 · 23/04/2020 19:04

Salome61, i stuck around for my friend, took a load of shit, got him to go to rehab again and he was dead at 55. I had to beg his family to say goodbye. I stayed at the hospital until they came. They didn't believe that he was actually dying because of all the stunts he had pulled.

I also had a relative die, ex heroin user but then alcohol abuser, all the help in the world after leaving prison. Her Son was ready to forgive. She was dead at 42.

OP you need to have it out with her. The verbal abuse is only going to get worse.

sixthtimelucky · 23/04/2020 19:15

Either confront her or block her, don't play any games. Overall though it's not your responsibility so please don't feel guilt.

RuffleCrow · 23/04/2020 19:17

I think a lot of people have been cut off for less.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 23/04/2020 19:17

Surely if she wants to FaceTime the assumption is that she wants to talk about the messages, not that she wants to pretend she never sent them?

Josette77 · 23/04/2020 19:23

My father overdosed when I was young and my bio mom is an addict as well. she stopped doing drugs and now "only drinks".
It is not your job to fix your friend. You can no stop her from self destructing. You are not her punching bag.
The only one who can fix her, is her. I wish I'd learned that lesson sooner.

incognitomum · 23/04/2020 19:28

I hope you come to a decision.

I have a very close friend who is a nasty drunk. Luckily it's a rare occasion. I'd dump her if it was regular. I've started to avoid drinking with her now.

The texts you've received sound terrible.

VenusTiger · 23/04/2020 19:31

@judemom I take it she has no recollection of sending nasty messages when she's drunk then? Have you ever told her about it? Brought it up and asked her wtf she's playing at? Let's face it, I don't think she realises what a cow she is being when she's under the influence - but to have actual text message conversation is a great tool in making her realise just how awful alcohol is for her.

julybaby32 · 23/04/2020 19:35

Yes, it's an illness. It might not be her fault she has a problem with alcohol, but it certainly isn't yours either (unless you have in the past repeatedly bullied her into drinking alcohol when she said she didn't want to.) You didn't cause it; you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Only you know how much verbal abuse you are willing to put up with. I'm not sure whether we have seen everything she said to you or if there was more and worse. It really isn't our business if you don't want to share it. It is entirely possible that she has forgotten what she said. She might feel that if she can't remember something she doesn't have to apologise for this. She might think the exact opposite. (I've got my own views on that value, but they aren't relevant here.)

Organisations such as Al-Anon have meetings online line for people whose lives are affected by alcohol being drunk by someone else, which might be helpful to you. It doesn't have to be a family member who drinks. you don't have to share if you don't want, you don't have to keep going if you don't want and you don't have to go at all if you don't want. I'm just mentioning it if you did want, in case it's helpful.

Original poster
judemom · 23/04/2020 19:35

@VenusTiger

I wouldn't know if this is usual behaviour for her.

Nothing happened to even warrant these sporadic nasty texts. It's the first time, but I have known her to become frustrated and lash out in person to a driver for being late, stuff like that.

I Recently sent her a gift of v expensive aromatherapy candles, shower gels, and other things to tell her how much I appreciate her.

OP posts:
Original poster
judemom · 23/04/2020 19:41

@julybaby32

Not much else else was rude during the text.

Two days ago, she texted me that she 'loves me to bits!!!' For giving her good advice and lifting her up.

I'm very unsure of anything with her at the moment.

OP posts:
Couscousy · 23/04/2020 19:44

Being told ''you're either the best or the worst person I know' is an awful thing for someone to say. I'd be distancing myself!

Original poster
judemom · 23/04/2020 19:45

She has in the past accused her boyfriend of liking me, which is bullocks, bc he is v in love with her. She does go into her odd moods. He wouldn't dare like anyone else, much less me. I'm v much happily married with a DD.

But that was another odd moment while she was pounding her drinks away. I just brushed if off because it's absolutely untrue.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 23/04/2020 19:47

It's possible she thought she was texting someone else. I've done that by accident while stone cold sober.

VenusTiger · 23/04/2020 19:48

@judemom Well I think as her friend, you should point this out to her, as she may have no recollection of the text exchange at all - you have the upperhand here, you could calmly just ask, as though pondering at first, why she sent the messages and see how she reacts, does she even realise?
She can't deny it either as it's there in black and white - once you've discussed it, ask her what brought it on and tell her how it made you feel - you can't ignore this imo - you choose friendships and you shouldn't have to put up with this kind of behaviour OP. Facetime and ask her to read her texts out aloud to you - see what happens... good luck.

Original poster
judemom · 23/04/2020 19:48

@Couscousy

I agree, v. Hurtful

OP posts:
ChillOutChick · 23/04/2020 19:49

It's an individual choice but I would end the friendship personally.

HavenDilemma · 23/04/2020 19:49

Being an alcoholic isn't a free pass to be abusive

Original poster
judemom · 23/04/2020 19:50

@MissConductUS

That's what I'm wondering? Was she going back and forth from one person to another during our text and didn't realize she was texting me while drunk?

She will prob be reading her texts and I would like her to explain.

OP posts:
ChillOutChick · 23/04/2020 19:51

If she hasn't apologised first thing after sobering up and looking at her phone, then that tells you all you need to know.

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