To cut off a friend for drunk nasty text?

[judemom]

I have a friend who consumes a lot of alcohol, but very sweet, sometimes shuts down, at times angry at her situation.

Out of nowhere, last night she started a nice text to me, then went into accusations that I am awful, that she thinks 'alcoholism has been around forever', etc.

We have never had a nasty exchange. I had a feeling she had been drinking, due to her erratic texts and odd emojis, then out of the blue 'you're either the best or the worst person I know'.

I understand the lockdown is causing a lot of people to behave erratic and feel anxiety.

My issue is that she has always been a alcoholic - a functioning one but nonetheless an alcoholic.

AIBU to slowly cut ties? I am baffled at her texts, so I didn't bother even responding except with nice words.

In Al-Anon this is what's called 'detaching with love'.

As the Al-Anon literature says,

"Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person's alcoholism can have upon our lives."

Detachment does not mean you stop loving the person and it doesn't mean physically leaving (unless you feel the need). Instead, it demonstrates that you don't like or approve of their behaviour. It is stepping back from all the problems associated with addiction and stopping any attempts to solve them. You still care, but it is best for everyone involved if you take care of yourself first."

What would you say if I told you she studied psychology at uni? Isn't that ironic ?

I would say that it's an equal opportunity disease, like atherosclerosis or diabetes. I'm an HCP and a recovering alcoholic with 26 years of sobriety.

I don't really understand why you have to cut her off completely. Can't you just say you were really hurt by her message and are finding things tough at the moment so won't facetime today.

Cutting off a close friendship, someone you send hampers of goodies too and say you care about, seems such a rash decision. You have the right to do what you want but I would back away rather than cutting off completely.

Alcoholism is a disease. It must be very hard to be alone and locked down as an alcoholic. That doesn't mean you let her off but I would have a level of sympathy and also wouldn't want to end a good friendship completely.

I studied psychology at uni. Most of the people on my course were complete fuck ups probably including me .

What would you say if I told you she studied psychology at uni? Isn't that ironic

I worked in psychiatry for over 10 years on various acute psychiatric wards etc.
Some of the people i worked in with in psych were the most unhinged and damaged and messed up people ive ever met.

I went through this EXACT thing

I had a school friend. Known her for 35 years. She was a very bad alcoholic. She'd been in rehab three times (multi millionaire grandfather who paid 40k each time). I stupidly gave her money (thought she had no food. She had a 3 yr old child) I saw her in rehab. I knew her family. I took her to see her sister and what happened was she told the reasons why she's an alcoholic. Which will scar me to my last days. It was the most horrifically unreal story I've ever heard. I now exactly why now. And it's sad. It's never left me that story. And for me it was just that. A story. For her it actually happened. It's the stuff of nightmares. So I understand why.

She went back into rehab. I was the ONLY one to go see her

Then one evening. She starts with the nasty texts. Same as. We've never ever had a nasty exchange.

That's the last I saw of her. It was effecting my own mental health. That text just pushed me over the very fine line I had left

I still feel guilty. Most days. I worry for them. She will go back to it. Every time. As the 28 day rehab doesn't deal with the cause. It only deals with the now and that's what she needs

I work with addictions. There's a few places. Some place in London. Where millionaires pay for their kids to be put to sleep for the first 5 days. Then when they wake the physical parts of their addictions have gone. Most horrific withdrawal symptoms have gone. Yet again. They didn't go through the pain of withdrawal. So go straight back into it. There's no consequence.

@Hoggleludo That is so sad, and I'm sure it will have affected you. My childhood was horrific, too, and my DB, 2 years older than me, has been totally destroyed. He's 52 and he's a complete shell of a man. My FSus and I are damaged in our own ways, but we've created lives for ourselves.

The OP has to protect herself, though, and not feel that it's her job to fix her friend. I had to do that with regards to my DB. It makes me feel horribly guilty sometimes, but I have to protect myself and my DDs, who are adopted, one of them has serious attachment issues and SEN. It's a worry, as my 80 year old DM has always looked out for him and she won't be able to do that for much longer. I think she's a bit in denial about that.

The OP can't fix her friend, but she can encourage her to get proper help.

Oh dear, that was meant to say DSis lol.

I'd screenshot her messages and send them back to her saying 'I didn't want to facetime you yesterday after you sent me this. When you're ready to explain these messages let me know'.

@Mittens030869

100% agree. I said that. It effected me so bad I had to cut off contact with my friend. You can’t fix them. They have to want to fix themselves. Plus the resources aren’t there.

Could you speak to her,and inform her,how she is coming across to you in her messages, Alcohol affects people in different ways,also the type of drink taken can affect people. I was once with a seriously alcoholic man,and if he was drinking whisky or gin,or any spirits,he became horrible and nasty minded. The drink killed him, ruined his body and mind, but that's another story.

If these personality changes in your friend really bother you,it's best to distance yourself from her, as you can't really help anyone with a drink problem.

This is not on you.

Addiction is an illness, yes- but it doesn't mean you have to put up with her shit.

And I speak as an alcoholic- I'm 14 months sober now. I WAS that jackass sending nasty texts and refusing to seek help. And I wouldn't remember sending them in the morning: I'd just rock up like Chicken fucking Little and expect everything to be normal!

I don't think that the people who engaged with me when I was drunk were helping me at all. They meant well, and I'm INCREDIBLY grateful that they cared! But I used to use their engagement, and the "she was drunk, she didn't know what she was doing" to convince myself that my issue wasn't THAT bad.

I alienated people too, and lost a lot of friendships.

Idk what the point of this reply is, actually: I'm trying to reassure you, trying to reassure other posters who have replied with "I wish I'd helped more"- but its coming across as very brusque.

You can't help. You couldn't have helped me either. As a PP said, if I wasn't willing to seek help for the sake of my two DC, why would I have done it for anyone else?

I would have promised you I would, though. I may have even meant it for a few minutes, because I'd have done anything to save the friendship. But it wouldn't have lasted.

If I can help from a "perspective of a pisshead" side, please let me know.

"You can't fix them. They have to want to fix themselves"

This, exactly. Hoggle has it spot on.

Just checked my phone to check this wasn’t me 🤣🤣🤣 joking.

Madam I read every post to see if I recognised my former self in anyone else's story! 🙉

@jaroffarts

Congratulations on 14 months sober that's brilliant

Also congrats on an excellent username.

Oh gosh- I promise I wasn't seeking praise. I just wanted to offer another perspective.

It took ages to get to the stage where those around me were rolling their eyes because "here we go again" (I'd been determined to give it up so many times before. I lasted five whole weeks once!🙄). OP, if I was your friend (please excuse my bluntness- I'm extremely candid and open about my addiction) I'd have been able to convince you today that I was ready to seek help, that the nasty texts had "given me a wake up call" etc, etc...whatever you wanted to hear. It's almost like having a best friend, a family member, that you'd lie, steal (I never did- just pissed the rent money up the wall) and manipulate to protect.

I really, really hope that you- and everyone on here who are dealing with an alcoholic- are OK. It was OK for me- I was too pissed to remember the shit caused by my boozing. Those around me weren't.

God I hope that lot makes sense!

jude how did your facetime go?

@JarOfFarts

Never FaceTimed! Mind boggling to say the least!

If she's anything like I used to be, she'll have checked her phone to find out wtaf she did last night (I used to have to check Facebook too) and is now ashamed.

Lucky for me, I got sober before cell phones and facebook. Drunk dialing was as bad as it got.

Miss oof! Been there too. And I'd post stupid, cryptic shite on Facebook. I'd wake up to a load of "U OK hun "s, and I wouldn't remember what they were referring to. Then when I found out, I wouldn't be able to admit it was pissed up shitspouting, so I'd just avoid them.

@JarOfFarts

You sound a lot like me! I am an ex addict too (drugs not drink) and still frequently feel embarrassed about the things I said / did.

I do not blame any of the friends I lost during my addiction - they did the right thing by removing my safety net because it's the only way I got better.

Three years sober, finally in a lovely, fun, healthy, normal (best word ever for someone previously chaotic!) relationship and my god I just think about the friends I lost every single day but only because I hope so hard they know I will always love them and don't blame them for walking away.

I lost a lot of enablers and a couple of close friends, and have been left with a couple of close friends but i also know that those couple of close friends couldn't watch me do it all again which helps me stay clean and sober.

That's me to a tee. I have two close friends left- one who, scarily, is moving out of the "friend zone" and into something else. 😍

I alienated so many people. All I wanted was the booze. And like you, the regret actually helps my resolve to stay sober.

My neice (adult) is awful when drunk. She doesn't insult me funnily enough as she knows better. So shows it can be controlled.