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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut off a friend for drunk nasty text?

129 replies

judemom · 23/04/2020 17:57

I have a friend who consumes a lot of alcohol, but very sweet, sometimes shuts down, at times angry at her situation.

Out of nowhere, last night she started a nice text to me, then went into accusations that I am awful, that she thinks 'alcoholism has been around forever', etc.

We have never had a nasty exchange. I had a feeling she had been drinking, due to her erratic texts and odd emojis, then out of the blue 'you're either the best or the worst person I know'.

I understand the lockdown is causing a lot of people to behave erratic and feel anxiety.

My issue is that she has always been a alcoholic - a functioning one but nonetheless an alcoholic.

AIBU to slowly cut ties? I am baffled at her texts, so I didn't bother even responding except with nice words.

OP posts:
Original poster
judemom · 23/04/2020 19:52

@ChillOutChick

Sadly I agree with you.

OP posts:
Mollymalone123 · 23/04/2020 19:53

My ex husband was a functioning alcoholic- maybe if your ‘friend’ starts to lose those around her because of her behaviour it might give her a little push to get help.The first time ex husband got help was after I finally left him- I threatened to many times- had enough and couldn’t have my children around him anymore- and he was perfectly pleasant- the fun guy- everyone’s friend- but ultimately an alcoholic who couldn’t be helped.
No one would blame you at all from cutting her out if your life- she won’t suddenly change- if anything she may get like this even more

Doggodogington · 23/04/2020 19:53

Does she have anyone else in her life? Is anyone concerned about her drinking?

NotExactlyHappyToHelp · 23/04/2020 19:55

I think I’d have to draw a line in the sand with her. Ask her to read the texts as a PP suggested then tell her if you receive anything like this again you will have to withdraw from contact for a period of time. However long is up to you but I wouldn’t shut the door on her altogether unless she becomes verbally aggressive or hounds you.

Samtsirch · 23/04/2020 19:58

Sometimes alcoholism “ masks” mental health problems or personality disorders, so I wonder if something else is going on.
You need to decide whether your life would be better without her in it, or whether you would miss her too much if you cut ties.

idontsmokeivape · 23/04/2020 19:59

@Salome61 Please do not blame yourself or beat yourself up. I am in recovery from alcoholism with almost 6 years of sobriety. I have seen many friends die of alcoholism in that time. There is NOTHING you can do if the alcoholic does not want to get sober. NOTHING. The willingness comes from within, not from external forces.

Alcoholics are manipulative and truly self-centered and if you stand by them, they will try to get you to enable them.

@judemom I would explain in a text that until your friend gets help, you will not endure any more abuse. Tell her that you will be happy to be involved with her again once she has sorted her alcoholism out. AA might work for her.

Alcoholics are exhausting energy and time drains. Takes one to know one...

Original poster
judemom · 23/04/2020 20:08

@Doggodogington

I don't think she has many people in her life. She had a fall-out with her business partner and it didn't end well. They were both bad mouthing each other to taint their reputation- but both were doing it.

She recently got divorced and her ex is a psychopath.

I do send her nice gift baskets to give her some small joy and mostly to let her know I'm behind her all the way.

OP posts:
mencken · 23/04/2020 20:08

just tell her that the abuse sent while she was drunk means you do not want to hear from her until she gets help. Then she knows the situation and the action is in her hands.

there's nothing you can do. I'm sorry.

Original poster
judemom · 23/04/2020 20:09

@Doggodogington

Yes. Her DF has often told her she's a alcoholic. She cut him off. I've watched her argue with her DM about her drinking.

OP posts:
Original poster
judemom · 23/04/2020 20:11

I told DH about it today, he absolutely won't even discuss with me about the situation. No idea why.

OP posts:
CheddarGorgeous · 23/04/2020 20:15

Be honest with her about how her behaviour has upset you and don't ever put up with it. If she's an alcoholic (and it sounds likely) the truth might help, but lies definitely won't.

Mittens030869 · 23/04/2020 20:18

just tell her that the abuse sent while she was drunk means you do not want to hear from her until she gets help. Then she knows the situation and the action is in her hands.

Sadly, I agree with this. Otherwise she'll continue to be abusive towards you.

SidekickSally · 23/04/2020 20:19

I would be tempted to have the FaceTime with her, show her the angry texts and ask her why she sent them and what they mean and let that be the last piece of contact. You'll get some answers, maybe not (which is closure in itself) but would have at least given her a chance.
You mentioned her boyfriend - would you trust him to looks after her so she isn't completely alone in dealing with this problem?

incognitomum · 23/04/2020 20:22

Does your dh like her?

veryboredtoday · 23/04/2020 20:25

I don't agree with the term vino veritas either.

As somebody who went through about 10 years of issues with alcohol and definitely could be quite nasty when drunk, I can assure you it wasn't my true personality.

However, i also agree with this
just tell her that the abuse sent while she was drunk means you do not want to hear from her until she gets help. Then she knows the situation and the action is in her hands
I think leaving the door open for friendship if she is prepared to deal with her drinking is best. In my experience one of the key factors in changing my behaviour was my best friend laying the cards on the table and saying she didn't want to spend time with me anymore. Luckily, i did something about it and we are still good friends today. (that makes it all sound so easy to turn your life around- it really wasn't!)

GigiLamour · 23/04/2020 20:25

just tell her that the abuse sent while she was drunk means you do not want to hear from her until she gets help. Then she knows the situation and the action is in her hands.

I also vote for this

UniversalAunt · 23/04/2020 20:26

@idontsmokeivake Good post, frank, honest & helpful.

This past week I declined contact with someone I deeply about because the last time we spoke, she was so drunk she dropped the phone multiple times & rang back moments later with even more self pity. Listening to her is lacerating & drains me for days afterwards. Taking a call when she has been drinking does her no good as this pretence of social contact is dressed up as meaningful contact when she is sober. Unresolved MH issues are the underlying problem & alcohol is the self-prescribed alleviation, until she comes to term with her diagnosis & adopts the treatment program, her alcohol misuse will continue.

@judemom it hurts to be so tough to decline contact but it is to protect your emotional wellbeing. @idontsmokeivape’s approach is sound.

NotNowPlzz · 23/04/2020 20:27

Re the best person or worst person text I think you should ask her to clarify what she meant.

Because it reads to me like you are the best person but if you are taking your support for her then you are the worst, like she doesn't know whether she can trust you or not?

There are a load of other things it could mean so I would try the clarify that. It's a weird thing to say and I'm sure it has a specific meaning to her that you may not be aware of.

TiddlestheCat · 23/04/2020 20:28

You know, in my experience alcoholics can rarely be helped and just drag those around them down. If she apologises, adds something to your life and you feel that you can give something back, then continue your friendship. But if she just starts to drag you down and you can't help her, cut off ties. Sorry, I know that it sounds harsh.

NotNowPlzz · 23/04/2020 20:28

*FAKING your support for her, sorry

QuizzlyBear · 23/04/2020 20:32

Just with regards to what a pp said about 'in vino veritas' - I think that can be true if someone just has a bit too much one evening.

From long term experience with an alcoholic though, it's not. He's the best and loveliest person I know - but when drunk he's spiteful, mean and cruel. In 40 odd years he's never shown those aspects at any other time and not once since he got sober (5 years).

Maybe your friend has a bigger problem with alcohol than you know?

copycopypaste · 23/04/2020 20:36

I think her lack of communication today shows you everything you know.

If I'd have over reacted or sent a text to the wrong person whilst drunk, would see me on the phone apologising first thing.

Original poster
judemom · 23/04/2020 20:37

@NotNowPlzz

The message reads to me that she feels I'm untrustworthy. I'm either the best person or I'm the worst.

Then why even send the txt or want to FaceTime the next day? I'm thinking she should just go away to her drunk la la land of cognitive dissonance.

I can't handle any more stress during the lockdown, homeschooling my DD, cooking all day, not seeing my DP for their birthdays, etc.

It's been a tough month for me, missing my family. I'm not sure why I should care to even find out what she meant, whether she meant it, etc.

I've been a good friend to her- I am absolutely sure about this. So good riddance.

OP posts:
Namechange4nowt45 · 23/04/2020 20:40

Stop responding! Even if with nice words you say, reward her if she is normal then reply as you normally would, if you suspect shes been drinking ignore completely. When she starts asking when shes sober just tell her you wont be replying when shes been on the sauce either that or cut her off indefinitely whether you ghost her or tell her you've had enough of her behaviour and need to concentrate on your own life before trying to help others. People that act like twats love to put the blame elsewhere oh you know I've got depression or my drink problem rather than admitting they act out because its the real them just being knobbers

Coyoacan · 23/04/2020 20:41

Just tell her not to text you when she is drinking. If she wants to say something to you, to say it sober or not at all.

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