To cut off a friend for drunk nasty text?

[judemom]

I have a friend who consumes a lot of alcohol, but very sweet, sometimes shuts down, at times angry at her situation.

Out of nowhere, last night she started a nice text to me, then went into accusations that I am awful, that she thinks 'alcoholism has been around forever', etc.

We have never had a nasty exchange. I had a feeling she had been drinking, due to her erratic texts and odd emojis, then out of the blue 'you're either the best or the worst person I know'.

I understand the lockdown is causing a lot of people to behave erratic and feel anxiety.

My issue is that she has always been a alcoholic - a functioning one but nonetheless an alcoholic.

AIBU to slowly cut ties? I am baffled at her texts, so I didn't bother even responding except with nice words.

Its not unreasonable at all for you to only want to be 'around' good or kind people during Covid.

This pandemic brings us all closer to life and death & which would be meaningless if we don't figure out WHAT'S most important and WHO brings in the light?

Covid 19 is a terrible truth bringer, it exposes everything no PPE in 2020 for goodness sake .

There's a lot of reassessment of friendships, family members and marriages going on right now you are sadly not the only one.

Why is your DH not wanting to discuss this? That's weird.

What @Casmama said.

@MoonlightMistletoe

It's very weird but perhaps it's bc he too drinks a lot. Also his family are alcoholics.

He literally pretended like I didn't tell him.

That is weird, about your DH

How do they get on normally?

I think ditch her. She’s being vile. And why won’t your dp discuss her? That’s a bit odd.

Ditch him too? Clean slate

@Davespecifico

The lockdown has truly made me rethink the people in my life. Perhaps I should ditch them both? Life is far too short, as I'm now thinking about life or death.

@MoonlightMistletoe

I'd take that to mean that maybe the OP has told her DH about her friend's nasty texts before and he's told her more than once that she should stop contact? My DH was a bit like this about my ex best friend, who took advantage of me by persuading me that she needed me to lend her money, which she never repaid. He was less than impressed by her and used to ask sarcastically when there was a card from her, 'Will there be a cheque inside?'

It's a response that really means 'Not this again??'

Oh sorry, OP, having read your update, it's completely not what I was suggesting. He probably knows he's just as bad as your friend in that case, and it makes him feel uncomfortable.

@Macncheeseballs, I think the opposite applies to me.

I'm a proper grumpy, stroppy mare, but really jolly when drunk.

When I'm pissed, nothing matters enough for me to get really pissed off about it.

OP, I wonder if your friend might be self-medicating? Almost every alcoholic I've ever known (and I've known many, mostly in a professional context) has had a really tough early life or some kind of significant loss or trauma.

I certainly don't think I'd drop a friend for a nasty drunken text, not without talking to them about it first, anyway.

Ok that makes sense , well I've grown up around alcoholics, and it has some what damaged me from all of the toxic behaviour , I don't have a relationship with those people my mum and my dad for example , I stay away from alcoholics because although the things they say or do while under the influence they might not mean , it hurts and I have my own family who need me now I can't waste my life worrying about people who don't worry about me.

Based on my personal experiences I don't believe addicts can be friends so my advice is to stop thinking of her as one. All that matters to them is their addiction. They can do a bloody good act of being a friend but it's all fake. As long as you are facilitating their addiction in some way you're the best friend in the world but the second they don't get what they want or they get a sense that you don't approve of their addiction they will turn on you.

As long as you are a friend they will use you. It could be any manner of things from lending money that you never get back, or doing favours/errands that are never returned or just having to listen to an hour of their self-absorbed shite at a completely inconvenient time. Let's face it, no time is convenient to listen to some shit-faced dribbler droning on incoherently about how unfair life is to them.

The longer you allow the relationship to continue the worse it gets. Over time other friends and family will drop away and the addict becomes even more dependent on you.

Take these abusive messages as an excellent opportunity to get her out of your life. Just tell her straight it's unacceptable and you're out. No ifs or buts and don't ask for an explanation, just end it.

It depends on whether you feel you can have an open honest conversation with her - including about the impact of her drinking; and whether you feel the friendship is worth it to you. I had a friend who, when sober, could be witty, wise and lovely company. Drunk, she was frequently intrusive, nasty and paranoid. The latter persona came out more and more often. Eventually she ended up accusing me and DH of something (completely loopy and untrue) and severing ties with us. It’s only now I’m out of the relationship that I can see how little responsibility she took and how abusive she could be: phoning me when drunk and wanting to talk for hours but getting increasingly irrational and repetitive. Only you know where the balance lies, OP.

Maybe when she's drunk any wrongly perceived 'slight' or buried resentment surfaces? I'd see what she wants via the face time & ask her outright what was that about. If she doesn't apologise I'd let it drift.

Threads like this show directly why there are so many people on here posting they have no friends, no one to turn to, because anyone puts a foot wrong and they scream cut them out.

Op. Listen to her. See what she has to say.

Don’t dump your husband and your friend because a bunch of random likely friendless people tell you to. Just so you too end up posting about you have no one.

I ditched a friend because of her alcoholism. Sober, she was lovely, warm, funny and sweet. But when the drink took hold, she became a different person. Aggressive, rude, ignorant. I tried to support her, so did a lot of her friends, but she antagonised everyone eventually. Some of us tried to stage an intervention but it didn't work. The drink always took first place. She lost her driving license, her job, her son was taken into care, and 3 years later, she died.

I will always, always regret not trying harder to understand the torment she was in, the underlying reasons that drove her to drink.
Don't be me. Ask her why she needs the oblivion of alcohol.

Ask her why she needs the oblivion of alcohol.

There's a common misconception that alcoholism is a purely voluntary disease. It's a physical addiction, manifested by chemical changes in her brain. If she doesn't drink she has extremely unpleasant and dangerous withdrawal symptoms:

Molecular basis of alcoholism

It needs to be addressed medically and psychologically. It's a very dangerous addiction.

Perhaps you could explain that she has upset you with her texts. They may not realise that you’re hurt. It’s never wrong to be kind as it seems you to be.

@Bluntness100

Very true. But with everything going on, I do not have the time to deal with her paranoia or whatever slight she believes is going on in her mind.

She is very kind at times, yes. But I am already having to just get on with it whilst missing my mother's birthday due to quarantining, not seeing her on Sundays as usual. It's been very tough for me to deal with. My DD is also v. Upset when FaceTimeing with her fav person (my DM).

I should just wait until the lockdown is over and see where I am and how I feel.

I had a close friend who was an alcoholic. We are not in each others lives any more as I couldn't support her behaviour and choices. It may be an illness but it is hard to watch. It also became a one way friendship where I was getting nothing from it but stress and unhappiness. I would hear her out but be wary.

I wouldn't just cut her off. I despise when people do this and think it's quite mean to be so cold.
I'd speak to her about it and gauge what she says, then decide.
Tell her how she made you feel.

@MissConductUS

What would you say if I told you she studied psychology at uni? Isn't that ironic ?

Its not irony, it's denial. Alcoholics are very good at that until it kills them.

Not sure if this is just quarantine talk, but I'm quite sad about the text, and the state of things.

I wish her well. And I will miss her. But I don't think I can handle having a gigantic argument about her drinking atm.