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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should he delete it?

341 replies

emlizcor · 22/04/2020 09:53

Our daughter is 18 and has been driving for about 6 months, she has a black box and and app with her insurance that rates her driving. As we pay for the insurance and obviously want her to be safe and also see the cost come down, my husband, her dad has the app on his phone as well as her. She is not happy at this because alongside rating her speed etc it shows where she has driven. We don’t even look at that as it’s really not that interesting we just check her ratings but she’s kicking off hugely insisting he should delete the app. She says it’s weird and controlling and won’t accept we’re not checking up on her all the time.
Our view is pay your own insurance and we’ll delete it. What do you think?

OP posts:
TheMagiciansMewTwo · 22/04/2020 12:56

Assuming there's not some massive backstory of her DF being overly involved in her life, turning up where she is and creating huge scenes, then I'd say the app stays. And tbh I'd wonder why she was so keen that you not know where she is.
I'd give her two choices. She pays for her own insurance or the app stays. The second choice would be whether the app is on your phone or DH's. There may be some dynamic with her DF that is making her uncomfortable about him seeing where she is but she may be ok if it's you eg some DFs are more protective of DDs.

YeahWhatevver · 22/04/2020 12:56

You're forcing a controlling behaviour on an ADULT.

In amongst all the emotive posts remember that.

The in and outs of who pays for it is irrelevant, shes an adult.

How many SAHMs would tolerate this off their DHs? It's no different. Nice to see the usual MN hypocrisy out in force.

summeriscoming20 · 22/04/2020 13:04

She sounds very ungrateful. I'd want to know where she's going if it's that much of a big deal that you don't find out

Al1Langdownthecleghole · 22/04/2020 13:06

To me, it depends on the kicking off.

This thread has reminded me that DS had to have a black box as a condition of insurance at 18 and at the time was sharing my car, meaning I had a black box after 25 years of driving! While we logged onto the website from time to time to compare our scores, I don't actually think I ever paid any notice of where he went - to be fair I mostly knew anyway - and DS was completely uninterested in my trips to work or Sainsburys.

So, while yes she is an adult, what on earth is she doing that she doesn't want you to know about?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 22/04/2020 13:06

She's an adult, she should be paying for the insurance herself. Otherwise, it's entirely up to you how you use it.

Same with SAHMs where the husband earns all of the household money? All entirely up to him and she has no say, or has to call and ask his permission every time she wants to spend a fiver on anything or buy the kids an ice cream?

QueenOfHell669 · 22/04/2020 13:07

Imo yes he should.
You’ll know how well she abides by the restriction when her insurance is up for renewal, won’t you? There’s no need to be checking up on her like that. Like it or not she’s an adult.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 22/04/2020 13:10

So, while yes she is an adult, what on earth is she doing that she doesn't want you to know about?

Do you call and tell your parents everything that you do? Every time you go out for a meal or night out, have an argument, go to the toilet, have sex? You wouldn't mind if your parent came to your house every day and opened your post? if you would for some sinister reason, what on earth are you doing that you don't want them to know about? Highly suspicious behaviour!

KatherineJaneway · 22/04/2020 13:13

Our view is pay your own insurance and we’ll delete it. What do you think?

Agree with you OP.

Blozza · 22/04/2020 13:14

I agree with others I’d of hated being checked up on at 18, but you’re not bothered about where’s she’s going you want to check her ratings.

At the end of the day you’re the one paying the insurance and if she drives like a dick, it will be you who has to pay more when they put her insurance up.

She doesn’t like it, tell her to pay her insurance herself monthly, and for so many people saying 18 year olds can’t afford insurance, how? I easily afforded my monthly payments when 18, if she’s living at home and doesn’t have other things to pay out for, how can she not afford it herself?

She either deals with you checking the app, or tell her to pay the insurance herself.

MulticolourMophead · 22/04/2020 13:14

So, while yes she is an adult, what on earth is she doing that she doesn't want you to know about?

It doesn't matter what she's doing. In fact, she could simply be driving to a friend's house. She's an adult with a reasonable expectation of privacy. The fact that she's not paying for the insurance is irrelevant.

Would you like your whereabouts to be contantly monitored? No matter how innocent the journey?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 22/04/2020 13:14

How do people feel about adults who receive benefits, for whatever reason? Should they also be expected to submit all of their receipts and have a track on their phone, monitored by an assigned higher-rate taxpayer (who thus doesn't even get child benefit)?

If you can't afford to fully pay your way, you don't get to be treated or respected like an adult, should continually show your gratitude and never expect to deserve any privacy - is that how it works?

Ellisandra · 22/04/2020 13:16

I think it’s controlling.

After 6 months of a black box, surely you know whether she’s driving well from the last data, either because she’s responsible or because the black box is working to make her so.

She’s not a child. I don’t think it matters who is paying. I’d actually be more annoyed (if I were her) that you were checking my driving than checking my locations! 6 months in, why are you not trusting her to drive responsibly? That’s very overbearing.

TeeniefaeTroon · 22/04/2020 13:19

I have an 18 year old and I wouldn't have the app on my phone even though I'd love to know where she is when she's living away at uni 😁

I would ask her to screenshot her rating once a week and send it to me.

Funnyface1 · 22/04/2020 13:20

She's 18, she deserves a degree of privacy. You should be paying the insurance because you want to help her, not for any other reason and you certainly shouldn't hold it over her head.

FizzyGreenWater · 22/04/2020 13:23

I think you and her dad saying 'You're right, that is quite intrusive, as an adult I wouldn't like it - let's delete the app but could we make sure we keep up with your ratings please, maybe by screenshot?'

... would pay immensive dividends in your future relationship with this now ADULT child.

As for 'you pay, you have the right' - does it really work like that? If your parents gift you a house deposit, does that give them the right to have a say in what you buy? - etc. etc.

PinkDramaLlama · 22/04/2020 13:24

She is entitled to privacy. Just because you are paying the bill does not mean you should be able to monitor her every move.

TheStuffWasBad · 22/04/2020 13:27

I'm absolutely sure this has been suggested but, i would delete it if she agrees to show you her rating every week. That keeps her accountable, but means she gets the privacy she deserves.

You could do it on the understanding that if she refuses to afford you her reading, you'll reinstall the app.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 22/04/2020 13:30

Our view is pay your own insurance and we’ll delete it. What do you think?

Obviously not to anything like the same magnitude, but plenty of victims of DV find themselves trapped by this exact same basic principle. "Well, if you don't like the way I run and decide how this household is run and discipline you when you don't do as I say, you can just get out and find/pay for your own housing. Otherwise, you will not question my rules."

if you think that's hyperbole, there was a recently-deleted thread which demonstrated this controlling attitude perfectly.

saraclara · 22/04/2020 13:35

It's controlling and I would delete the app. The relationship you have with a daughter through her transition to adulthood is really important. And generosity with strings attached isn't generosity at all.

This is the time when you demonstrate your trust in her. I've helped my kids along the way, but each time I've thought through what it involves and whether I'm happy to let go of the reins. So yes, I paid for wedding dress, but I didn't dictate which one she chose. I bought the pram for my new granddaughter, but I didn't choose it, her mum did. I gave my other daughter some money when she bought her new house, as it needed a new boiler and front door - and when I started trying to guide her to my preferred door, I stopped myself and realised that I was starting to try to control her choice because it had been my gift. Unfair.

Mumof1andacat · 22/04/2020 13:36

I detest any tracking of phones and cars at any age. I would delete it. If my parents were tracking me I wouldn't drive the car. I have nothing to hide but it shows you dont trust her. Do you have a reason not to? Everyone has the eight to privacy especially at 18.

Glowcat · 22/04/2020 13:40

’I think you and her dad saying 'You're right, that is quite intrusive, as an adult I wouldn't like it - let's delete the app but could we make sure we keep up with your ratings please, maybe by screenshot?'’

That ^

heartsonacake · 22/04/2020 13:41

YABVU. Just because you pay for it doesn’t mean you can invade her privacy via the app.

You need to delete it. If, after a year, the insurance doesn’t go up you’ll know she’s a careful driver. You don’t need the app; you shouldn’t be monitoring her.

Jux · 22/04/2020 13:42

Would you be happy with your dh checking up on you in this way? I think it's absolutely awful that you do this to her - it's like reading her diary imo.

oakleaffy · 22/04/2020 13:54

I can understand why she is feeling a bit freaked out by it...Strange that it tracks where she goes. I'd have hated it as 18 [and at any age] Do you not trust her? With young children, I understand that the trackers might be good, and my DS does have a tracker {find my friends} as I do go for walks/rides alone..but I don't have the same for him.

MarieQueenofScots · 22/04/2020 14:08

Thinking about this some more, I had a very open relationship with my parents. This wasn’t because they demanded or insisted upon it, it was my choice because we were brought up in a household that encouraged mutual respect and privacy.

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