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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and I have the same argument every month and its making me want to leave

172 replies

oldlongjohnson · 21/04/2020 13:50

DH and I married for 5 years, we have a 2.5yo DS.

Before DS we had an ok sex life, probably got intimate 2-3 times a week, sometimes less. I have much lower sex drive than him - he would prob take it every day, whereas I am happy with once a week or less. When we first got together DH would handle the rejection of not getting it as much as he would like badly and get in moods and throw his toys out the pram. This was quickly addressed.

Fast forward to now and sex life has gone downhill we are intimate maybe once a week sometimes less, mainly due to me suffering from PND and thyroid issues (feel fat, low libido, knackered all the time) basically it isn't high on my to-do list. I only really fancy it at random times of the day, usually DS's naptime or after we put him to bed - mornings are a write off because DS is awake at the crack of dawn and by the time we get into bed at night I am ready to be asleep asap. I've explained this to DH so he knows the situ, and yet sometimes he will still try to "initiate" (i.e boob touching, bum squeezing) and I have to move his hand elsewhere or flat out say no.

Every month it all blows up into a big row. Once it gets to a week or so without intimacy you can cut the tension with a knife, he basically starts ignoring me and barely bothering to speak to me. He says he is sick of rejection and 'switches off' at this point, but to me it just seems like he is in a grump because he wants sex. I have really been trying to be more engaged with him, to cuddle and kiss more and just generally be more attentive but he says he hasn't even noticed a difference. I don't know what I can do - I can't physically force myself to want sex more.

I'm fed up of having the same argument every month, and can't see it going away. I'm seriously considering walking away.

OP posts:
bigchris · 21/04/2020 13:53

Mismatched sex drives to drive couples apart

Do you enjoy it once it starts , is it just getting over the hurdle of initiating and feeling in the mood ?

It is soul destroying to keep being affectionate and being rejected though and saying to him 'it will only ever be on Saturday nights ' will kill romance and spontaneity dead

Do you fancy him ?

dadshere · 21/04/2020 13:55

Sex is a basic part of a relationship. If one party is not happy then something needs to change. Maybe you both need couple counselling? He obviously needs to accept that he doesn't have a right to sex whenever he wants it but if sex is off the table, he may look elsewhere to satisfy his needs or even end your relationship. It takes two to fix a problem, it sounds as if he sees this as your issue rather than understanding it is a couple issue.

Original poster
oldlongjohnson · 21/04/2020 13:55

Yes once it starts its great! Its always been great.

I do fancy him yes. We have our ups and downs but physically he is very nice to look at.

OP posts:
LaLaLandIsNoFun · 21/04/2020 13:55

Ignoring you etc? He’s a twat trying to coerce you.

Warsawa31 · 21/04/2020 13:56

Yeah it sounds like a vicious circle to me. I get that people’s sex drives are usually not exactly the same, so it can be frustrating. But as an adult with a wife and a young child he should know other things take priority.

No real advice I’m sorry but express to him how you feel - ie this is a dealbreaker for you

bigchris · 21/04/2020 13:57

Okay so considering your update that is fantastic news ! I would just try and do it more because honeslty once it goes it goes, you just lose the inclination to do it at all, my doctor even told me that when I went to him with no sex drive as a result of depression

He said it's just riding a bike , you just have to jump on and then you'll enjoy it even though you're not always up for it to begin with Grin

Finewine1976 · 21/04/2020 13:58

I could have written this myself op

Bibijayne · 21/04/2020 14:04

My DH and I are the other way round. I'd happily go every night, he maybe once or twice a week at most. It can be frustrating, because it is one way I show love and affection and while clearly not the case, it feels like a rejection of my love sometimes. We do other things though. Cuddles, holding hands etc. And sex is great when we have it. Would he settle for a bit of spooning and a cuddle sometimes? Occasionally foreplay (if you'd be okay with that?) - mismatched sex drives can be hard, especially at times of stress and anxiety, but they can be overcome too. There are other ways to show love.

BigFatLiar · 21/04/2020 14:04

ie this is a dealbreaker for you

Also could it be a deal breaker for him? He shouldn't be pushing you for sex but at the same time if it's that important to him you need to accept he can leave and try to find a new relationship.

Tried counselling? Sought help for pnd? However a toddler can be tiring.

Notonthestairs · 21/04/2020 14:07

Hhhhmmm nothing more attractive than sulking man giving silent treatment Confused.

Original poster
oldlongjohnson · 21/04/2020 14:09

@Bibijayne We spoon and cuddle every night. I just don't get the point of just doing foreplay type stuff unless you're going to go the whole hog, I just find it frustrating?

I think the showing love thing is part of our issue. I show my love through lots of other ways like doing all the cooking and cleaning, buying him treats, sorting things out for him. I think he solely shows his love through sexual contact. I find that frustrating.

OP posts:
Original poster
oldlongjohnson · 21/04/2020 14:10

@BigFatLiar Honestly I think its a deal breaker for both of us - we feel miserable when its like this.

We haven't tried counselling but perhaps we should. I had therapy for PND but since the lockdown i've been feeling the same again.

OP posts:
Original poster
oldlongjohnson · 21/04/2020 14:11

@bigchris "Try to do it more"

Hmm how?

OP posts:
Glitteryone · 21/04/2020 14:14

Technically YANBU - you shouldn’t do it if you don’t want to. However, it is bound to be soul destroying for your DH to be constantly rejected.

slipperywhensparticus · 21/04/2020 14:17

Is your thyroid level? Because that could be a huge issue as to why you dont want sex

Elsiebear90 · 21/04/2020 14:18

I think considering what you have going on once a week is good going. I don’t like the way he’s essentially trying to guilt trip and coerce you into having sex you don’t want either. He needs to realise you have PND a small child now so things aren’t going to be like they used to and learn to sort himself out, it’s not like you’re not having sex at all, you’re still having sex multiple times a month.

slashlover · 21/04/2020 14:19

I think the showing love thing is part of our issue. I show my love through lots of other ways like doing all the cooking and cleaning, buying him treats, sorting things out for him. I think he solely shows his love through sexual contact. I find that frustrating.

Do you think if he did some of the cooking and cleaning so that you could rest more then you'd feel more ready to be intimate?

artistformerlyknownas · 21/04/2020 14:19

There are so many posts on here where partners seem to think that a boob grab or bum slap = them 'initiating' and the OP 'rejecting' sex. It's so weird to me. I would see that as playful/funny (I know some people hate it though) but I would never interpret it as physical affection or initiating sex!

I know you say you have low libido but I can't help thinking things might be different if partners approached things differently e.g. acted affectionate all the time not just when they want sex (hold your hand, give you hugs, want a kiss and cuddle on the couch, etc), and then initiate sex in a more intimate way (i.e. when already having a kiss or whatever). Not just walking past you in the kitchen, smacking you on the arse and saying "fancy it?"!

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 21/04/2020 14:21

Well the obvious start point is that he needs to have it pointed out that acting like a sulky six year old is NEVER going to get him a shag - on the grounds that six year olds are not very attractive. It might get him a cuddle and a suggestion to watch Lego City but not sex.

And then the fact that nothing kills the libido more than feeling obliged - half the reason that teenagers are obsessed with sex is the fact that they are not supposed to be doing it!

Finally - the obvious thing is that you are too tired for sex but he isn’t. Why is that? Perhaps you need to re-split the workload between you so you get more rest. Who gets up with the toddler at the crack of dawn each day? Perhaps if he takes over all mornings you will have more energy at bedtime. Perhaps he could also take over all the cooking and cleaning to make you less tired.

0nwardsAndUpwards · 21/04/2020 14:21

I know you've gave @bigchris the Hmm but I do get where they're coming from. The question is whether you actually want a more sexual relationship with your DH?

If not, then an honest discussion is needed to see whether the relationship is no longer working for you both. It's not fair for your husband to make you feel guilty, nor is it fair for him to stay in a sexless (heading that way) marriage.

If yes, then I agree with what the PP said - just do it! You've said in your OP you still fancy him, and you are in the mood for it at random times, when your son is down for a nap or at his bedtime, so go for it then. I doubt your DH will say no if you initiate it through the day instead of late at night, he'll probably just be thrilled to spend that time with you.

Shoxfordian · 21/04/2020 14:23

He's been trying to coerce you by sulking like this

Itsnotalwaysme · 21/04/2020 14:24

Yes artist this 10000000% ^

DahlingDahlia · 21/04/2020 14:26

I've been through this. I divorced him. Never been happier.

Lippy1234 · 21/04/2020 14:28

Is almost once a week a sexless marriage?

CSIblonde · 21/04/2020 14:28

If you enjoy it once it starts, is there anything that you find a guaranteed turn on that you could remind him of, or, he could do? For me it's kissing my neck: even if I'm feeling very unsexy or totally not in the mood, that can be a total turn on & change my mind. If he knows just after your child is in bed is your favoured time, I do wonder why he's not making the most of that information! Maybe a subtle nudge at the time?