DH and I have the same argument every month and its making me want to leave

[oldlongjohnson]

DH and I married for 5 years, we have a 2.5yo DS.

Before DS we had an ok sex life, probably got intimate 2-3 times a week, sometimes less. I have much lower sex drive than him - he would prob take it every day, whereas I am happy with once a week or less. When we first got together DH would handle the rejection of not getting it as much as he would like badly and get in moods and throw his toys out the pram. This was quickly addressed.

Fast forward to now and sex life has gone downhill we are intimate maybe once a week sometimes less, mainly due to me suffering from PND and thyroid issues (feel fat, low libido, knackered all the time) basically it isn't high on my to-do list. I only really fancy it at random times of the day, usually DS's naptime or after we put him to bed - mornings are a write off because DS is awake at the crack of dawn and by the time we get into bed at night I am ready to be asleep asap. I've explained this to DH so he knows the situ, and yet sometimes he will still try to "initiate" (i.e boob touching, bum squeezing) and I have to move his hand elsewhere or flat out say no.

Every month it all blows up into a big row. Once it gets to a week or so without intimacy you can cut the tension with a knife, he basically starts ignoring me and barely bothering to speak to me. He says he is sick of rejection and 'switches off' at this point, but to me it just seems like he is in a grump because he wants sex. I have really been trying to be more engaged with him, to cuddle and kiss more and just generally be more attentive but he says he hasn't even noticed a difference. I don't know what I can do - I can't physically force myself to want sex more.

I'm fed up of having the same argument every month, and can't see it going away. I'm seriously considering walking away.

He is acting like a twat. You dont need to agree to have sex if you don't want to.

That being said, it feels absolutely terrible to be rejected. It is also terrible to just sit there hoping that the other person initiates. And when they do initiate, there is a massive pressure to agree. It makes you feel unwanted, ugly and unworthy. But one way to help with that is to communicate. My bf has ED and it is unpredictable. When I initiate and he rejects with his body language it makes me feel like shit. If he rejects me with an explanation "i am not sure it will work now, but I'd love to cuddle" it is all fine. So maybe next time you reject him, tell him why and try to turn it into something else.

I show my love through lots of other ways like doing all the cooking and cleaning, buying him treats, sorting things out for him. I think he solely shows his love through sexual contact.

All the cooking and cleaning? What is he doing while this is happening? What you seem to be saying here is "I do everything, then when I flop into bed knackered he wants me to fuck him too."

Do you think your libido might come back if you weren't running a household for two adults all by yourself?

I think some online counselling might help here OP, a close friend was in your position almost exactly, she read a few great articles, and a common theme was to prioritise it and schedule it, which sounds cold but it actually saved her relationship, and after about a year of working on it in this way, they were back to normal and enjoying it

Sex once a week is fairly average. Let's not start "poor bloking" because she doesn't bend over the kitchen table at the snap of his fingers...

I think men seem to forget foreplay starts at breakfast, in a sense that how you are made to feel throughout the day, week is either a turn on or turn off and leads to resentment.

My STBExH use to treat me like shit all day and at night say "so we having sex then or what?" Of course after that all day I was gagging for it....Not

My new partner makes me feel appreciated and totally loved, he is tactile and does things for me, we are a team and I've never felt so horny.

Does your husband make you feel appreciated, dies he properly help with the children, home ect

That's where you need to start, then try and initiate sex, even when possibly not totally in the mood, if you enjoy when it starts give it a kick start

He's not trying very hard with the wooing, is he!

Challenge to OP's DH: What kind of sex would your wife like, when and what would get her in the mood? Do that.

You have different sex drives which is a major problem in most relationships, surprised you chose to get married and procreate tbh- most end it way before that stage. There’s obviously more to life than sex but clearly sex is more important to him than you, perhaps he lives in the hope you will get randier at some point...

You can’t or won’t change your drive so he either has to learn to live with it or you go your separate ways. I can understand both sides of tales like this, I don’t think he’s a horrible person for wanting sex more than that nor do I think you are for being different.

I think you need to do some more Chapman's love language and Gottman's apocalypse work.

You might just be communicating badly but be able to meet in the middle.

As an example, I wonder if he knows how you define foreplay? For me, some of what you call foreplay is our sex at times and certainly not frustrating for us.

Sorry, my first sentence didn’t make much sense. I don’t mean differing sex drives is a problem for most couples, rather it is a major reason relationships end.

I know you say you have low libido but I can't help thinking things might be different if partners approached things differently e.g. acted affectionate all the time not just when they want sex (hold your hand, give you hugs, want a kiss and cuddle on the couch, etc), and then initiate sex in a more intimate way (i.e. when already having a kiss or whatever). Not just walking past you in the kitchen, smacking you on the arse and saying "fancy it?"!

This was exactly the problem in my last relationship. He didn't know HOW to be affectionate if it didn't include sex. There quite simply was no affection that didn't include hand down knickers/hand down bra/nipple squeezing.

Is this a problem in your relationship, OP? Does your DH see any kind of touch as an invitation to sex? Because it killed my libido stone dead, knowing that there would be no hand holding unless the hand was being shoved down his pants...

I think that (almost) once a week when you have a toddler and PND/thyroid issues is quite a lot!!

I think that people are too quick to label any refusal as rejection.

Let’s face it, once a week is hardly a sexless marriage is it? And while the DH does have a higher sex drive than the OP it’s not a rejection if she’s not up for it whenever he is. If she always said no then it could be considered rejection, but once a week is fairly average for most couples, and there’s no greater turnoff than constant pestering.

If he wants rejection he should come round to my house, me and my DP have had sex maybe ten times in the past 3.5 years. I absolutely know he feels rejected sometimes, but I’ve had major health problems which have contributed which he understands and while we have absolutely talked about it, he does understand why it just isn’t happening.

Leave! Why stay with someone who is arguing with you all the time.

I am single right now, and I think that onw of the great joys of being single, is not being pressured into sex.

Many men- when they get into a relationship think that they own you and that you must give them sex whenever they want

A councilor might have better ideas, but since you enjoy it once underway.
Would you consider a noon time romp whatever day you can schedule.
Yes initially it may seem like a task to be checked off. But if you went to counseling, you’d need to schedule that?
Once it’s routine, once your sons older it will get easier.

I have a DH whose sex drive has gone kaput and it has left me feeling miserable, lonely, unwanted, unattractive, disconnected and so, so rejected. And if I try and raise it he thinks I am attacking him and gets angry. If I don't raise it and just stay getting sadder and sadder he thinks I am sulking for sex. It's horrible. Mind you, you say you still have cuddles and spooning; we really don't right now unless I more or less force it, and I was trying to explain to DH last night that I miss the intimacy of affectionate touch at least as much as the intimacy of sex.

I'm sorry for you both; from your DH's side I know how painful and scary it is when your much loved, much fancied Best Ever Person just doesn't want you that way, from your side I can only imagine how awful it must be to feel like you are constantly being nagged for sex you're just not up for.

God, does anybody want it more than once a week with a toddler and work?
Once a week isn’t a sexless marriage or rejection. Will the husband in this scenario find someone who wants it more than once a week after the honeymoon / rip your clothes of phase?

Once a week is reasonable and i say average for an married couple.

Based on your updates, I think there is an deeper issue here.

I could have written what alongtimeagoandfaraway wrote, except my DH did eventually back off. This wasn’t great for either him or me but we made it the new ‘normal’ for probably 6 years. We loved each other/our 3 young DC so put up with it.
Once I stopped feeling ‘touched out’ by toddlers, got enough sleep and felt good about my body- I see you mention you feel fat - things changed greatly. Now 50ish, I have a very high drive and we have sex as much as in the pre-DC days.
I guess the question is whether both of you can hang on for the potential future benefits of a long, happy marriage.

Sulking men render themselves unfuckable and then wonder why you don't want to fuck them. Dumb fools.

Stop doing all the cooking and cleaning for a start

He sounds awful OP

Well said @fuckoffImcounting

I couldn’t have sex with someone who’d been cold towards me the whole day.

And yes, get this moody fucker doing some cleaning and childcare.

What you seem to be saying here is "I do everything, then when I flop into bed knackered he wants me to fuck him too."

Surely, this has got to be the place to start.

If you show your love by doing things to make his life better, and he shows his love by wanting to do things that make his life better then the mismatch isn't just about sex drives.