DH and I have the same argument every month and its making me want to leave

[oldlongjohnson]

DH and I married for 5 years, we have a 2.5yo DS.

Before DS we had an ok sex life, probably got intimate 2-3 times a week, sometimes less. I have much lower sex drive than him - he would prob take it every day, whereas I am happy with once a week or less. When we first got together DH would handle the rejection of not getting it as much as he would like badly and get in moods and throw his toys out the pram. This was quickly addressed.

Fast forward to now and sex life has gone downhill we are intimate maybe once a week sometimes less, mainly due to me suffering from PND and thyroid issues (feel fat, low libido, knackered all the time) basically it isn't high on my to-do list. I only really fancy it at random times of the day, usually DS's naptime or after we put him to bed - mornings are a write off because DS is awake at the crack of dawn and by the time we get into bed at night I am ready to be asleep asap. I've explained this to DH so he knows the situ, and yet sometimes he will still try to "initiate" (i.e boob touching, bum squeezing) and I have to move his hand elsewhere or flat out say no.

Every month it all blows up into a big row. Once it gets to a week or so without intimacy you can cut the tension with a knife, he basically starts ignoring me and barely bothering to speak to me. He says he is sick of rejection and 'switches off' at this point, but to me it just seems like he is in a grump because he wants sex. I have really been trying to be more engaged with him, to cuddle and kiss more and just generally be more attentive but he says he hasn't even noticed a difference. I don't know what I can do - I can't physically force myself to want sex more.

I'm fed up of having the same argument every month, and can't see it going away. I'm seriously considering walking away.

I think counselling might be beneficial. You used to be able to do Relate online. I don't know if you still can during the pandemic.

This isn't just about sex. It's about communication and an oddly skewed power dynamic on either both or one of your parts.

You're expecting him to be up for it all the time so if you give a hint of interest, he should jump at the chance. But that isn't how intimacy works. Equally, it seems the points that work for him are ones where you cut him off.

It's all sounding very transactional and not much fun.

It's just really hard to explain, but I've been in a relationship where I didn't want sex and where my other half was just a friend really

And I've been in passionate relationships, lots of sex, where I fancied them all the time

The only one to keep it alive for me was to have sex often and initiate it , I also know that men and women stray when they start to feel unwanted, the sulky attitude etc thiugh does make me wonder if your marriage is past with point of no return if you have the ick feeling there is no going back also , as in ick he's a sulky git I don't want to sleep with him , no amount of counselling gets you past that

If the only way he’s ‘showing you love’ is pestering you fir sex then there’s no love there at all.

What makes you think he loves you?

@fuckoffImcounting, I agree that sulking isn’t attractive. I’m quite sure my husband told me that often enough. The problem is, I often didn’t sulk, didn’t withdraw affection and just tried to carry on but when he thought everything was fine he’d just carry on never initiating sex and then after about 6 or 7wks I’d explode in anger and he’d be all confused as he’d say he thought I hadn’t been that bothered because I didn’t make the usual fuss. I don’t think the person wanting sex can win.
@oldlongjohnson, I’m not sure if this is the case for you but I think for many women (and men) in your situation, if their spouse didn’t sulk and spent 2 or 3 months doing everything possible to make the marriage happy and never once initiated sex then many of them would be happy and relaxed and think everything was ok instead of realising that their partner was crying inside and desperately unhappy. As I said, without counselling, it’s very difficult to resolve this issue to everyone’s satisfaction. I’ve heard friends talk about their husbands and say things like, ‘we’re 15yrs older and have 2 kids, why does he still want sex?’ I’m always because I’m my head, that’s a huge part of marriage unless one of you is unwell.

I think there needs to be honesty. If my husband had been honest sooner, I’d have ended my marriage much sooner.
I think lots of people, usually women but some men, would happily not bother ever having sex again or maybe just do it very occasionally but instead of being honest and saying that and risking the end of their marriage they ask their partner to give them time or stop pestering them. They imply that they just need a little while of not being hassled but often they’d be overjoyed if they knew you’d leave them alone for months. I found it soul destroying especially being made to feel as though I was disgusting, always wanting sex etc. Couldn’t I be happy with love and everything else we had etc etc In my case at least there was just no understanding that sex held such a high weighting in marriage for me. In the end that contempt for my feelings is what killed the love. I’d urge the op to go to counselling to try and avoid that happening.

I could have written this OP. YANBU.

I found it soul destroying especially being made to feel as though I was disgusting, always wanting sex etc

I feel like you are inside my head!

Why not experiment with him putting DS to bed most nights? Or taking on more than 50% of chores (but not expect you to do anything - just to give you a break). The tiredness may be part of it. Monitoring your thyroid and testing for other stuff like diabetes might be beneficial. If you snore or don’t feel refreshed after waking up - you might consider sleep apnoea, or depression.

I agree with others, it might not hurt to suggest to him that you are likely to be less tired and more up for sex if he takes on more of the housework and childcare!

Tbh, I don't know anyone with young children who have sex frequently. Children are knackering and take up so much time. He sounds very unreasonable and immature to me with his reaction. I would be sending him off with a tub of vaseline. Alternatively, make him pull his weight around the house more so that you're less knackered (and hopefully he is more worn out). Honestly, he sounds like an idiot.

@Iwalkinmyclothing, it totally destroyed my self esteem and made me question myself and wonder what was wrong with me. I was so unhappy and at times I was so angry yet it’s almost a social taboo if you’re a woman whose husband doesn’t want her and I found it difficult to talk to anyone about it as they were too busy either enjoying great sex or fending off their husbands Indeed I posted on here about it and I was asked if he was gay (he isn’t) but when women like the op post, nobody questions her sexuality. So even online it’s assumed that young women who don’t want sex are either exhausted or depressed or overwhelmed with housework and kids but young men who don’t want sex are either gay, cheating or weird. The loneliness was one of the worst aspects of it.

In a way, and you won’t feel it, but you’re very lucky OP.

It’s really hard being on the other side of this.

In a way, and you won’t feel it, but you’re very lucky OP.

It’s really hard being on the other side of this.

This. My husband has not desired me sexually in ages. I would rather deal with clumsy attempts at initiating sex than than the sad, lonely rejection of not being wanted. I should stop reading these type of threads as they make me so unhappy.

I used to love sex. My husband loves sex. We used to have it at least 3 times a week.
However, now we have a baby who is almost 1. I'm just so tired all the time - the baby is not a good sleeper at night and won't settle without breastfeeding, then our 3 year old wakes up at the arse crack of dawn. I'm also working from home at the moment. The breastfeeding hormones do a number on my libido too, so I just can't get "into it" and I find it all very uncomfortable. We've maybe had sex 3 or 4 times since the baby was born.

But... And here's the important thing... My husband respects my feelings. He does not nag me, he does not pester, he does not sulk. He understands that I'm just not into it right now and he doesn't want to have sex with someone who doesn't really want it. It doesn't mean he isn't disappointed, but he loves me enough that he wants me to be happy more than he wants sex.

But this is all because we are both hoping my lack of libido is temporary. If I thought this was going to be a permanent issue I would want to make sure both of us were genuinely happy and figure out what we could do about it if one of us wasn't.

@Noconceptofnormal why are you with him? There are plenty of men that would desire you

The diarising sex suggestion can work really well when the issue is mismatched libidos, busy schedules or differences in time-of-day you fancy it. Only works in an otherwise loving and respectful relationship though.

Good sex starts in the head. To want sex means you have to feel like a sexual being. That's why havung a bath sometimes gets you in the mood OP. No one hanging off you or wanting something. Just you, relaxed, free and in the moment, with nice physical sensations on your skin. You and your partner should be prioritising giving you the opportunity to feel like this more often and the rest will follow naturally (presuming your relationship is otherwise healthy).

Being a mother of a young child/baby frequently interferes with the ability to feel sensual - let alone if you have PND! Domestic drudgery is a passion killer, particularly if you've been washing your sexual partner's skiddy pants also! Psychologists will often tell you that relationships where domestic chores are split more equally frequently have more sex. That's probably worth thinking about too.

@Annamaria14, it took me many years to get to the point of telling my husband that I wanted a divorce. I think I was conditioned to feel it was my fault. Or that I should be grateful because in every other way he was a model husband. I was constantly told by him that I was being unreasonable as it was ‘just sex’ as if I was complaining because he’d bought white bread instead of brown. It really didn’t help that the entire world assumes that men want more sex than women.

@CatOnLaptop, we did the diary thing for counselling due to mismatched libido. But all it did was show we had a huge mismatched libido. It wasn’t really useful for anything as we both knew that beforehand. I’m interested to know how we should have used it to help. I wanted sex 3 or 4 times a week and he wanted it every couple of months but was willing to force himself to do it once a month to keep me happy. The thought of the tiny amount of sex I was offered bring pity sex or duty sex was the least sexy thing imaginable.

OP, he sounds awful.

A lazy petulant brat.
No wonder you are thinking
of leaving.

He sounds like hard work.

Mind yourself

Neednewwellies I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. It's sure it's not a magic cure. I'm not an expert by any means.
I guess it works when ultimately both people want it just not at the same time and when they have differing priorities. People I k ow for whom it's worked tell me that it can remind the partner for whom it naturally doesn't seem such a priority that's it's important. If the attraction, energy and mutual respect is there that's often all it takes to make the person with the lesser libido focis on it and therefore get in the mood.
Some mismatches are too significant for it to work I guess, no matter how good everything else might be. The only solution then I guess (assuming all else is ok) is compromise on one party's side (which is probably going to feel less than satisfactory for one or both) or separation. It's a horrible situation to be in.

if my partner was cold i wouldnt stay with him, if he turned me down as often as you seem to turn your ex down, it would've been over long before that...
A happy lasting relationship needs both parties to satisfy each other, whether sexual needs, or pulling their weight in other matters.

Sorry ex=dh

@CatOnLaptop, thanks. Interestingly, it did make him stop and think about things and offer to try more but it didn’t last and even whilst it did, it was massively unsexy to know that he was engaging in sex as a duty or to try and keep me from leaving. Even our counsellor admitted it (the compromise) almost never works when it’s the woman with the higher sex drive. She said when women make the effort to have more sex to please a husband they love, the husbands are grateful and the marriage often survives but when men make the same effort, the wives feel no more fulfilled so still end the relationship.

Neednewwellies, I understand your upset, I’ve been there too. But in this case,they are still having enjoyable sex once a week whilst she works and has a toddler.

I don’t think people should be pushing her into doing more, that would be awful.

Having been on the other side, I'd just want to offer that when one is up for it every day(not sex sex even, just an under 5 min quickie!), and the other every 2 weeks, and they compromise to once a week or once in 10 days, it still means that one party is getting 7 to 10 times less to their preferred frequency :(. The other party might be getting double of what they'd ideally want to, but not being pressured into doing it 7-10times the frequency they'd prefer.

When DH and I were dating, he seemed to be able and happy! to do it in synch with me (from every day to once in three days, depending on the time in the cycle). A year or two into the marriage (no babies or toddlers then) turned out he could easily go for two months without even thinking about it. I felt so, so frustrated and cried a lot (in private)

Was told LOADS by how unattractive sulking was and how it was putting him off me even more! I wasn't sulking I was just feeling unwanted, and as a result low and depressed... I couldn't help feeling low, it was also physiological hormonal need which was painful when wasn't addressed.

In the early years I wished a lot he hadn't misled me by making an effort and being so enthusiastic while dating, I knew how important it was for me and never would have considered someone with much lower sex drive, unfair on me AND them.
Eventually (after years of frustration, misery, fantasising and trying to sort it via solo sex (had never even tried it in my previous long term relationship) my body sort of adjusted to the pace, and with me, I guess appearing less "sulking"(unhappy) the frequency has improved too, so now on average we have sex at half, not 1/10th of what would be my ideal.
In my case the problem also is DH is not into physical affection, I think he could go without ever giving me a cuddle or a kiss 😶 not that he pushes me away when I do, but it'd be nice to get an impromptu kiss or squeeze...