DH and I have the same argument every month and its making me want to leave

[oldlongjohnson]

DH and I married for 5 years, we have a 2.5yo DS.

Before DS we had an ok sex life, probably got intimate 2-3 times a week, sometimes less. I have much lower sex drive than him - he would prob take it every day, whereas I am happy with once a week or less. When we first got together DH would handle the rejection of not getting it as much as he would like badly and get in moods and throw his toys out the pram. This was quickly addressed.

Fast forward to now and sex life has gone downhill we are intimate maybe once a week sometimes less, mainly due to me suffering from PND and thyroid issues (feel fat, low libido, knackered all the time) basically it isn't high on my to-do list. I only really fancy it at random times of the day, usually DS's naptime or after we put him to bed - mornings are a write off because DS is awake at the crack of dawn and by the time we get into bed at night I am ready to be asleep asap. I've explained this to DH so he knows the situ, and yet sometimes he will still try to "initiate" (i.e boob touching, bum squeezing) and I have to move his hand elsewhere or flat out say no.

Every month it all blows up into a big row. Once it gets to a week or so without intimacy you can cut the tension with a knife, he basically starts ignoring me and barely bothering to speak to me. He says he is sick of rejection and 'switches off' at this point, but to me it just seems like he is in a grump because he wants sex. I have really been trying to be more engaged with him, to cuddle and kiss more and just generally be more attentive but he says he hasn't even noticed a difference. I don't know what I can do - I can't physically force myself to want sex more.

I'm fed up of having the same argument every month, and can't see it going away. I'm seriously considering walking away.

Have you thought about pouncing on him at 4am in the morning after you,ve been woken up and have just settled your baby? See how he feels having to suddenly be pressurised into Sex when he is tired and not in the mood! Keep doing it several times a night every night and then accuse him of rejecting you, (assuming that he doesn't take you up on the offer). Then you can sulk and accuse him or rejecting you! It would make a point that sometimes you're tired and the timing isn't right and that feeling under pressure is a massive turn off.

Like a poster said above it sounds a bit ‘transactional’ and a bit stilted and fixed, like you’d both know when the other is up for it because they’re the fixed times you’d normally want sex.

I know you said foreplay feels pointless if not leading to sex but that can honestly be the best! You said you feel good after a bath-how about you both set your room up warm, lit how you like with candles and after a bath or shower enjoy touching and massaging each other?

Just to enjoy each other’s bodies and the different sensations and it not necessarily have to lead to sex?

Good luck!

My libido vanished with my thyroid and never came back, even when correctly medicated. I could honestly never have sex again. Pre-thyroid issues I had the higher drive. Doctor and consultant all said my drive would return when medicated but it flat out has not.

Sorry, i know that's not much help. You're not alone though - it's really common.

That sounds pretty stressful OP. I heard somewhere that one general difference between men and women is that men need to have their physical needs met before they can be generous emotionally and women need to have their emotional needs met before they can be generous physically. The 5 languages of love www.5lovelanguages.com/ might be helpful to look at too x

Just wanted to come back and update. Lots of talking later and we've decided we will try scheduled sex. Both agreed on Friday nights after DS is in bed. Other than that, intimacy is ofc allowed with both parties realising it won't amount to anything.

So from Wednesday (which is when we talked) I have felt much better, closer to DH knowing that I won't have to frequently reject him. I have felt like hugging and kissing more. I was really looking forward to tonight, and had been saving all my energy for it (even put on make up shock horror) he's just text to say he doesn't feel like it today, can we leave it for tonight. I'm a bit disappointed I can't lie - but reply sure thats fine, next Friday it is.

He's replied a barrage of texts saying he doesn't think this will work, he feels stressed and frustrated, he's worried it'll be rubbish / over quickly when we do it, can't we just do it when we want etc.

I feel so bloody annoyed with him! He doesn't seem to get that the whole point of scheduling it is so that we both know what to expect and when - neither of us should be left guessing / frustrated / obliged. Its like he won't even give it a chance.

Whats more, he knows I've really struggled with my MH this week, and I could do with some bloody support for the idea I'VE had to try and save our marriage.

Sorry - needed to get that out.

And already I'm back to thinking it would just be easier to give in to him...

Could you try flexible scheduling as in at some point on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday?

@oldlongjohnson don't give in! Your needs are just as important as his. YOU are as important as he is.

He is constantly thinking about what he wants, which is more than once a week, which is why he is being sulky.

Tell him sheduled sex is what you have agreed to and you want him to try it for a month. If he doesn't want to - dont talk about it again. If he refuses this, It is up to him to come to a new solution. Think anout this less, this is really his problem, not yours, it is up to him to come to a solution.

Focus on the rest of your life

Yes you could say once a week, at the weekends.

Again, just because he wants sex every day, does not mean that you have to have sex rvery day. If you want to have sex once a week, respect yourself, and stick to it.

I had one boyfriend when I was in my early twenties, who pushed me into having aex when I didn't want to. I really regretted it later, because it left me with mental scars.

I felt like I had been raped. Take your mental health seriously. Make YOU your priority. He is lucky to be getting to have sex with you! Tell him that you are not taking his bad attitude. And then go back and focus on your life

It seems like this is about control, not sex as such. He only wants it when he feels like it, and being pressured or asked to by you is a turnoff. You setting the schedule suddenly resulted in kicking off, and him staging a protest.
Why are you guys texting each other so much. Talk for god sakes.

Wow. He really is a gameplaying little twat isn't he. Putting you in your place there isn't he OP. He could have had sex tonight, something he knew you were looking forward to, but decides to cut his nose off to spite his face to show who's boss. I'm not sure there's anywhere to go from there

I’m like your DH in my relationship and hate scheduled sex. It feels like my DH is only doing it because that was the agreement, plus what if it’s rubbish? What if I can’t get in the mood? What if he can’t get in the mood? Then that’s it for another week. We’ve found at some time over the weekend works best.

We're only texting because he's at work (NHS) and he texted to give me the heads up that he didn't fancy it today.

Yeah I agree- once a week anytime at the weekend is the best idea.

I do think he refused today because you took control - and he cant bear for you to have control.

He will have to learn, don't let him boss you around

In a v similar situation (thyroid issues, toddler, perpetually exhausted and libido nowhere to be found), I feel for you OP. YANBU. No advice but honestly I'm impressed you manage once a week, I'd consider that an achievement...

Do you think if he did some of the cooking and cleaning so that you could rest more then you'd feel more ready to be intimate?

Most likely I would think. I estimate many women would be in the mood more often proportionate to the number of times their DH pushes a Hoover, does the dishes, assists more with kids etc.

I’m like your DH in my relationship and hate scheduled sex. It feels like my DH is only doing it because that was the agreement, plus what if it’s rubbish? What if I can’t get in the mood? What if he can’t get in the mood? Then that’s it for another week. We’ve found at some time over the weekend works best.

How will he know what mood he’s going to be in until he actually gets home and sees her? If he wants it so much, surely he should be able to get in the mood quite quickly at the time? What else are they supposed to do then? Plus, how will they know if it does or does not work until they try it?

He may not like the idea but to assume before they even give it a go is choosing failure and dismissing it on his terms. He has also yet to give any ideas on this.

Did you tell him how disappointed you were OP and how much you were looking forward to it?

Let me get this right, first he’s a sex pest then he turns you down??
I’d be suspicious to erectile dysfunction?

Yeah I agree- once a week anytime at the weekend is the best idea.

I do think he refused today because you took control - and he cant bear for you to have control.

He will have to learn, don't let him boss you around

What an awful and unhelpful attitude to have. You are not OP's DH, you are not inside his head, you don't know how he feels or what his motivations are and your assumptions are dreadful.

@Iwalkinmyclothing what on earth are you on about? I am about one of five people who said "once a week, anytime at the weekend" so I don't know why you are singling me out.

We were suggesting that he may feel too pressured if it is a strict time of every Friday night, so to say "once a week, any time at the weekend" puts less pressure on him

@Annamaria14 If you read my post, I quoted you, so to ask what on earth I am on about is just silly. How much clearer could it be what I am "on about" than that?

And I singled you out because you have made a number of posts that have bothered me, full of assumptions about op's dh. I don't think your approach is helpful.

And already I'm back to thinking it would just be easier to give in to him... blush Urghh he's a sex pest. And an annoying teenager in an adult's body. Grim. Please don't give in and have sex you don't want just to keep him happy - there's a word for that. And coercion is now quite rightly a criminal offence.

Make plans to leave this pervert as soon as lockdown is over. You deserve better. And to think this guy works in the NHS makes me shudder.

I could’ve written this too op. I literally see sex as something to rick off my to do list a few times a week. I get so so angry at my partner sometimes he walks in from work and grabs my privates straight away. Never a bum squeeze or a cuddle or kiss he goes straight for a vagina grab and it’s such a turn off. He actually said to me yesterday ‘I can touch it if I want to’ and I shouted ‘no it’s my body and I’ve asked you not to’. He still isn’t talking to me but hopefully got my point across! No advice but it’s not just your man that gets a complete cob on when it’s been less than twice a week.

Please - that’s awful, it’s still sexual assault even when you’re in a relationship.

Seaweed42

It seems like this is about control, not sex as such. He only wants it when he feels like it, and being pressured or asked to by you is a turnoff. You setting the schedule suddenly resulted in kicking off, and him staging a protest.

This ^^ he's a dick and wants it all on his terms.

@Pleasedontdrawonyoursister That is disgusting behaviour, he has no respect for you at all. Please stop having sex with him when you don't want it. As a previous poster wrote uptrend, it can cause psychological issues for you to force your body to do something you don't want.

My ex was the same, I'd give in just to shut him up. By the end of our relationship I detested him and couldn't bare to be in the same room as him.