DH and I have the same argument every month and its making me want to leave

[oldlongjohnson]

DH and I married for 5 years, we have a 2.5yo DS.

Before DS we had an ok sex life, probably got intimate 2-3 times a week, sometimes less. I have much lower sex drive than him - he would prob take it every day, whereas I am happy with once a week or less. When we first got together DH would handle the rejection of not getting it as much as he would like badly and get in moods and throw his toys out the pram. This was quickly addressed.

Fast forward to now and sex life has gone downhill we are intimate maybe once a week sometimes less, mainly due to me suffering from PND and thyroid issues (feel fat, low libido, knackered all the time) basically it isn't high on my to-do list. I only really fancy it at random times of the day, usually DS's naptime or after we put him to bed - mornings are a write off because DS is awake at the crack of dawn and by the time we get into bed at night I am ready to be asleep asap. I've explained this to DH so he knows the situ, and yet sometimes he will still try to "initiate" (i.e boob touching, bum squeezing) and I have to move his hand elsewhere or flat out say no.

Every month it all blows up into a big row. Once it gets to a week or so without intimacy you can cut the tension with a knife, he basically starts ignoring me and barely bothering to speak to me. He says he is sick of rejection and 'switches off' at this point, but to me it just seems like he is in a grump because he wants sex. I have really been trying to be more engaged with him, to cuddle and kiss more and just generally be more attentive but he says he hasn't even noticed a difference. I don't know what I can do - I can't physically force myself to want sex more.

I'm fed up of having the same argument every month, and can't see it going away. I'm seriously considering walking away.

Thank you for explaining that.
It’s very interesting to read other people’s view points.
I could never imagine have a 100 things I’d rather be doing, it just goes to show how different we all are and why so many of us end up with people it’s mis matched sex drives.

Scheduled sex is grim. I can see why he feels the “pressure to perform” - I remember my husband saying similar when we were TTC. For me the bit that jumped out at me was that you’d wanted to cuddle him and he said no. I don’t think my husband would ever, ever say no to that.

We have a five year old and a two year old. We used to have regular sex but now we are lucky if we manage once a month. We are just too tired. But we are both on the same page with it. We talked at length about it and decided it’s probably normal for our stage and so we werent going to be worried or annoyed about it.

Everyone keeps going on about mismatched sex drives meaning couples should split up. That's bollocks, sex drives can never be "matched". Life gets in the way, you have kids, menopause, illnesses, job stress and either sex can lose their mojo.
It's the way you deal with problems like this that make a marriage.
if you are a whiny ignorant sex pest who gropes their partner and sulks all the time the marriage will end.
If you are someone who has an ounce of empathy, helps out, does lovely things for your partner, takes on mental load and show that you love them unconditionally it won't and you never know maybe your partner will want to have more sex with you.

What puzzles me is that he texted you earlier in the day to say not tonight Josephine. Why would he not just wait and see how he felt at the time.

I completely get the not wanting to share your body.
It's difficult I know, it becomes the elephant in the room very quickly once kids come along. I am post menopause, we have 2 teens who are up all hours. We have sex every 2 weeks. It works for us. When you have small kids its hard to be spontaneous.
Sex feels invasive and like a surrender of will power for the woman if you are not really wanting it. We have to have an object from outside placed in our bodies. Men don't understand that aspect of it.

Also there are people out there, men and women but mostly men, who cannot really connect emotionally. They get anxiety about abandonment if they don't have sex. Because that's the only way they can feel close. That's why 'rejection' about sex is hugely different for different people.
That's also why when kids come along, the availability can develop as a big problem for those who rely on sex for their self esteem and feeling of safety.

I hope you're ok OP. What a stressful situation to be in.

If you don't feel like having sex that's your choice. Given you work and have a toddler I am not surprised. I'm in the same situation.

Scheduling time together/sex can be a good idea. Your time is so precious and I expect you have very little of it free at the moment.

What would be the deal breaker for me is 1) the issue of control and 2) his lack of empathy.

You have had a baby, he has not. It changes you physically and emotionally.

I'm not saying he shouldn't consider that sex in a relationship is normal but he must understand that you are not a (sex) robot and maybe he could be more aware of your feelings.

Sex is not a right.

To the bisexual poster, I really don't get your point. I'm bisexual in a straight relationship and I think she should LTB.

I always think it should be compulsory to do a detailed questionnaire about attitudes to sex, money and children before you get hitched. Mind you, not sure many marriages would go ahead...

I always think it should be compulsory to do a detailed questionnaire about attitudes to sex, money and children before you get hitched. Mind you, not sure many marriages would go ahead...

I bet many still would since no one knows how they are going to change once children enter to picture. Women go through so many changes having children that many men still don’t understand because they aren’t as effected by it. Their bodies don’t change, their hormones don’t fluctuate as much, their brain chemistry doesn’t change, their lives don’t change to the same extent that women do and because it doesn’t many are oblivious to all the changes and effects that take place. Many don’t understand what being touched out means or how much women need just as much alone time as they enjoy.

The rest is a mountain out of a molehill, your DH is not weird or controlling, he just got worried about the scheduling thinking you'd be doing it not because you want to but just because it's in the planner, so backtracked by text, then saw you and changed his mind, and probably felt if he approached you it counted as spontaneous, not scheduled, since he had pulled out of the scheduled event....

It still comes off as a control issue. He knows about OP’s medical situations, that she works, and the times she is open to having sex which make perfect sense. He wants sex all the time yet when she is saying, let’s try this on this day because xyz, he tells her before he even sees her, he’s not up for it. She takes him at his word and once the day is done goes to relax on her own, he decides he wants it on her time. For someone who wants it all the time, why choose to turn it down? They have had this fight several times, he knows that she is struggling, yet instead of trying to make things easier and even giving it ago, he dismisses the idea after agreeing to it and again is urging her to do it when he wants when it could have been when they wanted if he had just tried.

@Lippy1234 you said

"I don’t know anything about that. I’m the ‘man’ in the relationship, the one who is constantly turned down, who just wants a lot more sex than my husband and struggle to understand why when sex is such an amazing, bonding, feel good , free of charge activity my DH doesn’t want to do it more. Who wouldn’t want to wake up the next day with a twinkle I their eye, a bounce in their step? I feel like I’m a better version of myself when I’m having regular sex, I’m having a full life and a better person. I’m not snappy or sulky, I’m happpy. The pain of being constantly rejected is really awful.".

I am really surprised that you said this. You are just talking about what you want, and you seem unable to see that other people could think difrerently to you. You said sex is an "amazing, bonding exercise".

Yes it is. But a million other things come into play aswell. The other person could feel tired, stresses, worried, thinking about other things. People have to be in the mood for sex. That you are thinking totally about how you feel, and that other people should feel exactly the same way you do, suggests a lack of empathy to how other people feel

I'm curious about your talk. Was it a genuine adult conversation where both parties shared their feelings and tried to come to a solution? That there were questions and mutual understanding and expanded to other aspects of relationship (like childcare, housework) that could make a difference? Could be that he is just a complete twat but this also sound alike something where both parties don't get each other

@Lippy1234 I am really surprised at your lack of empathy. You seem to think that people should have sex with you, because YOU want sex, because YOU enjoy sex.

What about what the other person wants?

As we have said before on here, being in a relationship with some one does not mean you get to have sex with them whenever you want. You also have to think about what they want

@Lippy1234 I had a boyfriend one time who wanted sex every day and I didn't. He pushed me into it a couple of times, and I still feel years later - like i was raped.

People have to learn that being in a relationship with some one does not mean that they owe you sex. That is why marital rape is a crime

I would look at doing a Saturday night date night thing after ds in bed, you take the lie in on the Saturday, have a chilled out day, get a bath while dh does an easy dinner and dh can be sure that you are chilled out and ready for his advances and you have had a chance to recharge etc.

@Seaweed42 that is true that people attach a different level of rejection to being refused sex.

I saw Chloe Madeley say that she needs to have sex with her husband every day, or she feels rejected.

Surely, those kinds of people should work on their self esteem, rather than push their prtner into unwanted sex

I think your post earlier was enlightening. You felt more attentive and happy to kiss and cuddle when the intimacy didn't lead to sex.

That doesn't mean you don't like sex. To me it suggests that intimacy is only occurring from him when he wants sex. That makes you reject the intimacy.

This happens to me in relationships. Early on partners are attentive and touching, kissing, hugging happens without leading to sex. Somewhere along the line the casual intimacy disappears and only occurs with sex as the objective. Once that happens sex for me becomes the equivalent of vacuuming. Hate it and lose interest.

Why don't you talk to him about a long term goal. Can he be intimate without expecting sex, just for the sake of it. You indicated once sex was off the table you started to relax. I'm sure if it continued, you may find you actually start to feel like sex instead of go along with sex just to make him go away.

I think it is not as straight forward as some posters make out. Neither of you seem to be understanding each other’s needs very well. Though you ares straight forward with regards to not having sexual if you don’t want- you are absolutely right to say no if that’s how you feel.

I get that you feel harassed/pressured, hurt that he can’t just leave it be until you feel ready. He feels rejected, hurt, unattractive, frustrated. Maybe he feels unwanted and quite possibly (having been in his position) like you can’t do right for wrong. You’ve said he doesn’t sulk, or stop talking to you and continues to enagage warmly with you. You feel there is tension, which you dislike. You don’t like that he withdraws emotionally/ doesn’t initiate when you feel like/doesn’t want to have sex when you do. But it’s ok for you to be annoyed with him when you initiate it and he doesn’t feel like it? If it’s 100% fine for you to turn it down whenever and for whatever reason, it also has to be the same for him. I would HATE scheduled sex- it would feel like a huge amount of pressure and that you are doing it out of obligation (which is awful, it hurts to feel that your partner feels that way about you). I’m not surprised he backed out.

I think you both need to try and be more thoughtful regarding each other. At the moment it sounds like you are both taking up positions and will defend them, come what may. You aren’t perfect, neither is he. You can’t help how you feel, neither can he. Scheduled sex isn’t always a good compromise- in his position I would feel that it is you making it clear it is a duty you will fulfil but would rather not, do that I could “have nothing to complain about”.

Sorry if I come across as lacking empathy. I’m really trying to see both sides and express my own frustrations (obviously not very well.)
Obviously I understand a person doesn’t have the right to have sex just because they want to have it. I’ve been married for 25 year to a man I love deeply but we have mis matched sex drives. He would be happy to have sex about once every 6 weeks and for me once a week is perfect.

Maybe when he text to say no to the scheduled sex it put the pressure off him and why he tried it once he got back, I don't think it's about control.

I'm the same as you where my husband every few weeks says he is feeling very rejected. I very very rarely initiate sex, it's like a mental block for me and can only do it after a few drinks and that's a rare occurrence especially as I'm pregnant! I am going through grief as well but like he says I was like this before it happened anyway (which he's right). I think it's low confidence and body issues.

Absolutely walk away. This is literally an unresolvable problem.

Unless your sex drive increases, or his decreases, one or both of you will be quite miserable.

• Absolutely walk away. This is literally an unresolvable problem.

Unless your sex drive increases, or his decreases, one or both of you will be quite miserable*

I disagree. I think this is more on how they want to be touched and how they are being touched and how sex is initiated.

OP’s husband is groping her to initiate sex and it makes her uncomfortable which puts her off sex. She touched him and shows more affection but he doesn’t notice it because it’s likely not brazen enough for him.

He is touching her how he wants to be touched and she is touching him like she wants to be touched but both are complete opposites in that respect.

I bet if he stopped groping her and cuddle, kissed, and engaged with her as she does him, she wouldn’t be put off of sex and if she groped him like he was doing her.. he would take notice.

"Absolutely walk away. This is literally an unresolvable problem.
Unless your sex drive increases, or his decreases, one or both of you will be quite miserable"
I disagree with the above also. When kids come along there is an adjustment in the relationship. New terms have to be explored and negotiated. A new way forward can be found if both partners are willing to deal with that. Also bear in mind in the current climate there are massive pressures on people from external events and this affects our relationships. So while we are in this situation, we need to lower our bar generally and don't be so hard on ourselves.

I used to think I had a high sex drive.

Until I met a man whose idea of sex was clinical foreplay (same every time and limited to nipple squeezing) then into sex which must be porn like in its positions and variety, Then immediately afterwards up to wash, turn back and fall asleep.

I very quickly realised that it was the emotional connection and physical intimacy that I craved, not the sex itself. Most men gave me that after sex, so I'd learned to 'put up with' the sex in order to have the closeness afterwards.

That man has put me off sex completely. Don't be me, OP. If this situation seems unfixable to you, get out before you learn to hate the whole thing.