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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum is about to give up

112 replies

Daybyday89 · 20/04/2020 20:24

One second, let me brace myself for all the crap this thread may receiveBlush

My mum is 51 and is in the high risk category (she has Crohn’s disease). I’m sure most of you know the rules when it comes to vulnerable people - not aloud to leave the house for anything not even exercise, etc. I’ve been doing her shopping as she’s struggled to get a delivery slot for online shopping and I think that way is safer to be honest as at least I know where I’ve been - nowhere!

Anyway, I was on the phone to my mum earlier today and she was telling me how she’s starting to not care. She has been taking extra precautions, ie. putting gloves on to bring in deliveries and disinfecting them, leaving them for a few days before opening etc (some would say extreme, I know) she hasn’t left the house in 5 weeks now. She’s been made redundant and she lives alone. I feel so sorry for her. My heart breaks when I think of herSad. What makes things worse is, I’ve just had a baby (shes 6 weeks old) and my mum is missing out on her growing up. I send her pictures of course and we face time everyday but my mum admits that its so hard for her that she can’t be with us and it’s so hard for me too. She told me that she’s stopped putting her gloves on to bring in deliveries, she’s stopped disinfecting them, she just doesn’t care anymore and that she wants to see me and the baby. I’ve not encountered anyone and I’ve not been anywhere either, except for shops and out for exercise but I don’t come into contact with anyone! I cross the street when I see people, etc. I know, there is supposed to be a high chance of catching this virus whilst out shopping and I wouldn’t know if I’ve got it, not necessarily for another 10-14 days.

Basically, AIBU by visiting my mum with the baby?

Please go easy on me! If I’m being stupid by even suggesting this, then I won’t do it. I don’t want to put my mum at risk.

OP posts:
CheriLittlebottom · 20/04/2020 20:27

Can you move in with her, or can she move in with you?

ZoeandChandon · 20/04/2020 20:29

I would have her to stay or visit if I was in your shoes. The risk to her mental health sounds greater than the virus.

ALemonyPea · 20/04/2020 20:29

No, you really shouldn't visit your mum, you've been out, you've touched things in shops, you've passed people even if you e tried keeping your distance. However, could you stand on one side of a (closed) window and her on the other?

It sounds very hard for her being alone. I'm in the shielding group but lucky to have DH and the DC here. Not being able to leave the house is hard.

Lockheart · 20/04/2020 20:30

If you're doing her shopping can't you take the baby with you and "visit" from a distance (i.e. through an open window or she sits at the door and you sit in the garden)?

dudsville · 20/04/2020 20:31

What a sad situation. If i were in your place id really consider going to see her. Do you live with anyone else who needs to be considered?

RandomMess · 20/04/2020 20:33

My first thought is whether you could combine households safely.

Thingsthatgo · 20/04/2020 20:33

You could isolate yourself for 14 days, then go and visit her. You could pretty much guarantee that you were virus free then.

ANoiseAnnoys · 20/04/2020 20:33

Could she come and live with you for a bit? I think in situations like this you have to use your common sense. The “but it’s against the rules!” Brigade will be along in a minute to tell you how you’re going to kill everyone if you visit your mum.

So long as you have both been social distancing and virulently washing hands etc you will be fine, the risk of one of you having it and passing it on to the other is miniscule. However I’m sure others will disagree!

EducatingArti · 20/04/2020 20:34

How well controlled is her Crohn's? Has she had a shielding letter.
I know someone with Crohn's who is older than your mum and who is still working as a key worker.

Fedup2020 · 20/04/2020 20:34

I’d have her move in with you tbh

BestOption · 20/04/2020 20:34

((Big hug)). It's not easy is it x

Do you have a DH/DP or is there just you & DD?

Could you fully isolate for 14 days and allow your mum to move in with you? As long as she promises to take all precautions between now & then?

Obvious that's too risky if you have a partner that's still going out to work (IMO)

How far away is your mum? Has she seen DD through the window?

Umnoway · 20/04/2020 20:35

Ahh my heart breaks for people in this kind of situation, she must feel so down right now. I would self isolate for a week then visit her if that’s possible, I completely understand why you want to. Poor woman.

Soontobe60 · 20/04/2020 20:36

My dd sends me videos every few days aNd I love watching them. Far better that face time,

Bumblebee6789 · 20/04/2020 20:36

Is she definitely high risk?? There’s been a broad brush approach to who’s high risk with crohns, ie a lot of us were initially told we were high risk when we really are ‘moderate. Apparently the decision was made by virtue of the fact we take a particular immuno suppressant - not taking dosage or whether or not we are flaring into account, rather than considering the dose, or other factors. It’s been a bit of a shambolic rushed job, and they’re re-evaluating it currently,
It’s worth checking with her gastroenterology dept if she is actually high risk or not. I’ve been demoted to ‘moderate’ risk from high.

LilacTree1 · 20/04/2020 20:37

Like many people, it’s one risk vs another.

I’d go see your mum in your shoes.

Original poster
Daybyday89 · 20/04/2020 20:37

@CheriLittlebottom
yes that is an option!

@ZoeandChandon
this is what I was thinking. I’m much more worried about her mental health right now, she’s on anti depressants as it is. Hearing her say she “doesn’t care anymore” was hard.

@ALemonyPea
I get that but I’ve also been doing her shopping and once I’ve dropped her shopping off - she’s been putting it away. Is that not the same risk to getting the virus as it would be to me visiting? If that makes sense.

@Lockheart
I’ve thought about that, but then there is the nosey neighbours and she really does have nosey neighbours who I wouldn’t put it past them to report.

@dudsville
I live with my DP who is in the same position as me - doesn’t go out unless it’s for food shopping or exercise and we go out for exercise (walks) together.

OP posts:
BettyBooper · 20/04/2020 20:38

Visit, stay outside and maintain more than 2m between you. The risk is minimal if you do this and much less (it seems) than the risk to your mum's mental health.

FusionChefGeoff · 20/04/2020 20:39

I'd try to isolate as an extended household eg one if you fully isolates for 14 days then move in together.

TBH I know another couple with a newborn baby and the new Mum is struggling so her Mum is coming over once a week to help. They are viewing it as caring for a vulnerable person ie the new Mum is vulnerable for PND plus post c section recovery.

Walnutwhipster · 20/04/2020 20:39

I didn't think Chrohns came under shielding.

Bumblebee6789 · 20/04/2020 20:42

I didn't think Chrohns came under shielding.

It does if you are immuno suppressed enough

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 20/04/2020 20:43

OP my mum is 69 on Friday, my uncle ( her brother) has been told he doesn't have long now - bladder cancer.
Shes all alone and I cannot bear it , I'm on furlough so have decided ds and I will move over to her house as from friday and spend the rest of lockdown there.
I would definitely consider something like this if I were you .

magicfarawaytrees · 20/04/2020 20:44

Your poor mum.

I have chrons too. I think it will depend on what medication she is on. When mine is good (touch wood, now) I am like anyone else. When it’s bad I’m on awful tablets that leave my immune system totally stripped and feel completely awful. Because I’m the former at the moment I don’t consider myself in the vulnerable category.

In terms of visiting... this will go down like cold sick on here but just do it. I think the risks to people’s mental health etc are going to eventually take over the risk of getting this virus if this situation continues much longer. Common sense dictates that your mum’s mood is more of a risk to her than the virus at the moment. State to her if she continues with the less careful attitude though with everything else you won’t be coming.

Hercwasonaroll · 20/04/2020 20:44

Chrons does come under shielding.

Move in with each other, whichever house is best suited.

Letsbekindplease · 20/04/2020 20:45

In some situations I think the rules can be broken. I would go see her if she were my mum with my baby. It might give her a mood boost. Flowers

Daftodil · 20/04/2020 20:46

I moved in with my mum (& dad) for lockdown. She is also clinically vulnerable and not been out since before lockdown as she wasn't well herself. About 6 weeks now she has been indoors. Every little while she'll get in a tizz about not having something trivial that seems super important like a particular flavour of yogurt or type of cheese and say she wants to go out to the shop and get some. She doesn't mean it. She is just frustrated. She calms down. I expect your mum is just frustrated too. Could she move in with you? If you're really worried, you could go and see her and stay in the garden.

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