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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum is about to give up

112 replies

Daybyday89 · 20/04/2020 20:24

One second, let me brace myself for all the crap this thread may receiveBlush

My mum is 51 and is in the high risk category (she has Crohn’s disease). I’m sure most of you know the rules when it comes to vulnerable people - not aloud to leave the house for anything not even exercise, etc. I’ve been doing her shopping as she’s struggled to get a delivery slot for online shopping and I think that way is safer to be honest as at least I know where I’ve been - nowhere!

Anyway, I was on the phone to my mum earlier today and she was telling me how she’s starting to not care. She has been taking extra precautions, ie. putting gloves on to bring in deliveries and disinfecting them, leaving them for a few days before opening etc (some would say extreme, I know) she hasn’t left the house in 5 weeks now. She’s been made redundant and she lives alone. I feel so sorry for her. My heart breaks when I think of herSad. What makes things worse is, I’ve just had a baby (shes 6 weeks old) and my mum is missing out on her growing up. I send her pictures of course and we face time everyday but my mum admits that its so hard for her that she can’t be with us and it’s so hard for me too. She told me that she’s stopped putting her gloves on to bring in deliveries, she’s stopped disinfecting them, she just doesn’t care anymore and that she wants to see me and the baby. I’ve not encountered anyone and I’ve not been anywhere either, except for shops and out for exercise but I don’t come into contact with anyone! I cross the street when I see people, etc. I know, there is supposed to be a high chance of catching this virus whilst out shopping and I wouldn’t know if I’ve got it, not necessarily for another 10-14 days.

Basically, AIBU by visiting my mum with the baby?

Please go easy on me! If I’m being stupid by even suggesting this, then I won’t do it. I don’t want to put my mum at risk.

OP posts:
TheSparklyPussycat · 20/04/2020 20:47

Aren't there different levels of vulnerability, with only the most vulnerable (about 1.5 million) advised to completely self isolate? And the vulnerable but less so (eg over 70) just advised to be extra careful in following social distancing when out?

mcbuttonface · 20/04/2020 20:47

If you can have her with you, I think you should. It would clearly help her mental health, and as I understand it that's perfectly acceptable for her to now move to you, she wouldn't be risking anyone if you are able to collect her.

Original poster
Daybyday89 · 20/04/2020 20:48

Stupidly, I’ve not even considered combining households. She would have to move in with us though, because of the baby. Would this be ok?

@Bumblebee6789
Thank you for that info. I’ll look into thatSmile

@EducatingArti
thats interesting. She’s had numerous letters from her gp and the nhs stating she is vulnerable and high risk. She’s taking Azathioprine which is an immunosuppressant.

@BestOption
I’ve considered that too and it wouldn’t be practical unless we could be absolutely sure neither me or DP would need to leave the house for food and things. I take DD with me when I drop her shopping off but I don’t stay very long, as I’ve mentioned previously about nosey neighbours and I don’t want to be seen as taking the piss.

@LilacTree1
AgreedSad

OP posts:
recycledbottle · 20/04/2020 20:49

Would your DP like your Mother to stay with you? I know I am going to get absolutely flamed for this but your DM refusing to disinfect and saying she doesnt care and then combining it with she wants you and baby to visit her comes across manipulative to me. Sorry.

Nelliana · 20/04/2020 20:50

She would be able to move in with you, particularly as there's a massive risk of her mental health deteriorating.

missyB1 · 20/04/2020 20:51

Yes it’s the Azothiaprine that puts her at risk because of the effect on her immune system.
I would move her in with you.

cantata · 20/04/2020 20:51

OP, you sound like a very kind and caring person.

I sympathise with your DM, as I don't care if I catch this. If I am deprived of all the things that make my life worth living, there's not much point being here. I am taking no precautions at all, other than the ones enforced on me (social distancing - there's nobody out at all where I live, and my friends are all abiding by the rules too). I just do what I have always done, namely wash my hands before and after preparing food, and before eating (and after using the loo, obviously).

If you can do anything at all to help her, I am sure you will.

Fromthebirdsnest · 20/04/2020 20:52

Can she move in with You after isolating food another 10 days completely with that goal in mind ? you.can't mix between households and if she.has 'given up' wearing ppe then you'd be VERY unreasonable to have your 6 week old baby around her ! I'm shielding its rubbish but it is what it is ,im.home with my 3 lovely children and my husband with lots o f di y to get one with , no money worries and a big garden I'm very fortunate , but although I'm vulnerable and have been emailed by 2 supermarkets i cannot get a delivery and I'm having to rely on strangers to do my shopping as all my friends are either key works , vulnerable or live too far away , my husband d can't go as my doctor says my risk is so great that my husband and children should shield with me too .. it's horrible ,My dad is.complete alone but doesn't want to move i with us because he's too used to living alone he's got COPD , it's hard for him too , it's hard for everyone we can either choose to group households with lonely family members of get on with it , it's difficult but in the scheme of things it's only staying home , feel for the key workers that are risking there lives ! X

Titsywoo · 20/04/2020 20:53

I'd bring her to live with you. My neighbours mum has just moved in with them on the advice of her GP. She has just been widowed and was not eating and her mental health was in fast decline. They have been social distancing in the house and will do for the first 2 weeks (have a separate bathroom and a big living area though).

Bumblebee6789 · 20/04/2020 20:53

Hi OP look at crohnscolitisUk website, it’s been updated and there’s a risk assessment from British Society ofGastroenterolgy and an explanation as to why not everyone who was advised to originally does need to shield, which is those on Azathioprine. Fingers crossed this Applies to her as it made such a different to my mental health.
I do know how she feels though my FIL has terminal cancer and has given up, for some this situation is hopeless.

Glowcat · 20/04/2020 20:55

I’d move her in with you.

Leaannb · 20/04/2020 20:56

Go move in with your mom and self isolate together

Original poster
Daybyday89 · 20/04/2020 20:56

Was not expecting this many responses. I can’t reply to them all! Thank you for everyone’s responses though except for @recycledbottle my mother is definitely not manipulating meHmm I honestly do not know why you would think this, it’s absurd! DP is agreeing with me on this subject and thinks we should find a solution to help her!

I’m going to go with the majority and combine households I think. It seems the best way. Not everyone is going to agree though, I get that.

OP posts:
RingaRosie · 20/04/2020 20:56

It’s so hard to see a parent like this. My Dad is 70, has no underlying health issues, but is the other way around... He’s convinced that he can’t leave the house. His daily walk involves a traipse around the garden. He’s become really grey & shabby, not washing & comfort eating. And he’s depressed from so much time indoors just looking at the internet all day...
We try to encourage him, but to no avail. There are neighbours 20 years older out doing the garden, washing the windows, walking around the block. But Dad is just fading away. Mum is doing everything, like going to the shops, and is super-fit. It’s sad. I can see how your Mum must be frustrated, especially not being able to see your little baby.

BaileysforBreakfast · 20/04/2020 20:58

I take DD with me when I drop her shopping off but I don’t stay very long, as I’ve mentioned previously about nosey neighbours and I don’t want to be seen as taking the piss.
Seriously. Screw the neighbours. Why do you care about their opinion? Your mum's MH is more important. You go there with her shopping anyway, so spend another 20 minutes or so. Take the baby. Keep your distance (chat through a window/from the front gate or something?). Repeat as necessary. I've two friends with serious MH issues who have been popping by at least once a week while they're out exercising. They sit on my garden wall near the front gate and I sit on the wall near my front door. We're probably 10 feet apart. One friend brings a flask of coffee. We don't touch in any way. We just chat for half an hour or so. It keeps us all sane. If the neighbours want to report me, they can knock themselves out as far as I'm concerned. If you can stand six feet away from a stranger in a supermarket, or stand six feet away from your neighbour while you clap for the NHS or whatever, you can stand six feet away from someone you care about and help maintain their sanity.

cantata · 20/04/2020 20:58

I think that is a very good decision, OP. If you were my daughter, I'd be delighted.

BeeBella · 20/04/2020 21:00

Honestly some people Hmm where did you get manipulating from?! She's clearly depressed.

OP I'd definitely have Mum come to stay for a while. I think it'll be lovely for all of you.

ALemonyPea · 20/04/2020 21:01

Combining households sounds like the best way to help her.

PurpleFlower1983 · 20/04/2020 21:01

I would have her move in with you.

BusMum79 · 20/04/2020 21:01

Was coming on to say exactly what some others have said. I have ulcerative colitis and have been on Azathioprine for 25 years so was initially told to shield. Letters, texts etc came through while my husband had just come down with what we think was COVID and I got sick too. We were extremely worried - have 3 young DCs - so, after advice on a shielding thread on here, I contacted my gastro dept. They were amazing, hugely reassuring and said that a lot of the shielding advice for IBD patients was fairly broad. I was downgraded to moderate: I also found the information from the charity Crohn’s and Colitis UK super helpful. It could be that your mum will get different advice from doctors on closer inspection. At the very least it’s worth a shot. I hope she is ok - it’s a very strange and difficult time x

Original poster
Daybyday89 · 20/04/2020 21:03

@cantata
Thank you very much Smile I’m so sorry you feel this way. It’s hard for everyone right now and everyone has different circumstances. I will never judge anyone personally but a lot of people do/will and I suppose they have their reasons and rights too. I wish you all the best! Flowers

@Bumblebee6789
Thanks again, you’ve been really helpful! I’ll take a look. Sorry to hear that. I agree, it is a hopeless situation for some and I’ve always said - desperate times call for desperate measures.

OP posts:
Hercwasonaroll · 20/04/2020 21:05

Let her come and stay.

The "lack" of her using PPE makes bugger all difference. PPE is only recommended for people in close contact with someone with coronavirus ie health or care workers. You don't need PPE to take in shopping. You just need to wash your hands.

AnyFucker · 20/04/2020 21:07

I wouldn't hesitate to move her in or you go to her

Bumblebee6789 · 20/04/2020 21:07

recycledbottle if you’d had a shielding letter you’d be depressed! Phrases like ‘you’re extremely clinically vulnerable person, you are at high risk of severe effects of corona virus’, ‘do not leave your property, not even to throw rubbish out you may sit at an open window only’. The texts every day to remind you how vulnerable you are. It nearly sent me over the edge.

TiddlestheCat · 20/04/2020 21:07

If she lives close by, then visit with the baby from behind the glass. Could you strictly self isolate for 7 days (no going to the shops - get food delivered or click and collect) and then have her move in with you? That's what I would do.