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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum is about to give up

112 replies

Daybyday89 · 20/04/2020 20:24

One second, let me brace myself for all the crap this thread may receiveBlush

My mum is 51 and is in the high risk category (she has Crohn’s disease). I’m sure most of you know the rules when it comes to vulnerable people - not aloud to leave the house for anything not even exercise, etc. I’ve been doing her shopping as she’s struggled to get a delivery slot for online shopping and I think that way is safer to be honest as at least I know where I’ve been - nowhere!

Anyway, I was on the phone to my mum earlier today and she was telling me how she’s starting to not care. She has been taking extra precautions, ie. putting gloves on to bring in deliveries and disinfecting them, leaving them for a few days before opening etc (some would say extreme, I know) she hasn’t left the house in 5 weeks now. She’s been made redundant and she lives alone. I feel so sorry for her. My heart breaks when I think of herSad. What makes things worse is, I’ve just had a baby (shes 6 weeks old) and my mum is missing out on her growing up. I send her pictures of course and we face time everyday but my mum admits that its so hard for her that she can’t be with us and it’s so hard for me too. She told me that she’s stopped putting her gloves on to bring in deliveries, she’s stopped disinfecting them, she just doesn’t care anymore and that she wants to see me and the baby. I’ve not encountered anyone and I’ve not been anywhere either, except for shops and out for exercise but I don’t come into contact with anyone! I cross the street when I see people, etc. I know, there is supposed to be a high chance of catching this virus whilst out shopping and I wouldn’t know if I’ve got it, not necessarily for another 10-14 days.

Basically, AIBU by visiting my mum with the baby?

Please go easy on me! If I’m being stupid by even suggesting this, then I won’t do it. I don’t want to put my mum at risk.

OP posts:
rayoflightboy · 20/04/2020 21:10

I think in this instance you have to let her stay.Im 47,so not much difference in age and it breaks my heart to hear your mum say she is going to give up.

I havent seen my 2 gs for a few weeks either and its so hard as one is only 2 months old.

Get her to move in and self isolate.She needs to be around you and your family.

Balmytissues · 20/04/2020 21:10

The one arm of diseases that PHE has not considered is mental illness. It's not mentioned anywhere. It can be diagnosed or undiagnosed. It can be treated or untreated. But it's not mentioned anywhere. People with mental health illness are at greater risk from death by isolation than from COVID19. But they're not mentioned.

I would 100% have your Mum move into your household.

PrinnyPree · 20/04/2020 21:11

That's great you have the room to move her in with you, You are very lovely OP.

My suggestion was going to be can you do regular visits and sit in the garden together otherwise. Screw the neighbours as long as you don't go in the house I'd let them gawp and gossip your Mum obviously needs the face to face contact. x

rjebgf · 20/04/2020 21:11

Yes, I'd combine the households but just be as careful as you can. Babies can transmit covid, not just breathing it, but you could get germs on the baby and the baby act as a surface that you both touch. She should prob be as careful as she can washing her hands.

autumnmum · 20/04/2020 21:13

My mum is shielding and was very depressed after she got the letter (she's immunosuppressed) . I do her shopping and we either have a chat with me stood on her drive shouting at her or I go and sit in her garden and she opens the French doors a foot and we talk through there whilst I'm stood at least 3m away. Her neighbours see me doing this and all shout hello to me and wave. I take the kids every now and again so she can see them. In all likelihood anyone in this category is going to be locked down until there is a vacine so anything to help their mental health without putting them at risk has got to be good.

strawberryFizzyDrink · 20/04/2020 21:13

People are underestimating the mental effects of this and what it can lead to.

I know of a lady who died a few weeks after being told to shield for 12 weeks. She lost the will to live and went downhill quickly. She was a very sociable person and Her family are convinced it was the isolation and being stuck inside which sped it up as she wasn't on death's door before.

stardance · 20/04/2020 21:18

I think in your situation I'd have her move in. I think to keep her safe though, you and your DP would have to fully isolate too, following the same rules as her E.g. not leave the house at all.

My Mum is in a similar situation and really struggling. Unfortunately having her here isn't an option due to space and the fact that my OH is still working so we can't isolate fully in the way that she needs. If it was possible though I'd do it because it makes me so sad to think of her alone for all this time.

WombatStewForTea · 20/04/2020 21:23

Just because she's on azathioprine doesn't necessarily mean she needs to shield. There was a bit of a fuck up in communication and lots of people with Crohn's only treated with aza were told to shield when actually they're only moderate risk. There is guidance here from the British society of gastroenterology www.bsg.org.uk/covid-19-advice/clarification-for-patients-taking-azathioprine/

There's also an online questionnaire which can tell you which category she'd fall into www.bsg.org.uk/covid-19-advice/clarification-for-patients-taking-azathioprine/

Unless she's got other issues I'd bet my last bottle of wine she doesn't need to shield Wink obviously if you can combine households she'd be better off

Original poster
Daybyday89 · 20/04/2020 21:24

@cantata
Thanks again x

@BaileysforBreakfast
Eugh, I’ve always been one to care what people think and I hate that trait about myself! You’ve definitely made a very valid point though. It makes no difference.

@Hercwasonaroll
Yeah, I know this. I’ve told her myself, it just made her feel better, I guess. I just used this as an example for her “taking extra precautions” to then taking no precautions whatsoever and not caring.

@Bumblebee6789
Exactly that! This has completely changed my mum. Before all of this she was completely rational and would always be the one to put thing into perspective. Since she’s had what seems like 10 letters a week from different places, she’s just different! It’s hard to watchSad

Seriously though, I’ve said it already but thank you everyone again for the kind responsesSmile

OP posts:
LilacTree1 · 20/04/2020 21:24

Strawberry “ She lost the will to live and went downhill quickly.”

I’m sorry to hear this. Mum and I fear the same happening to her. She wasn’t hugely sociable but it’s not long that dad died and she was only held together by family and friends.

She’s even had neighbours moan at her for going to post a letter about probate. The estate needs to be sorted but apparently the killer virus will get her 🤷🏻‍♀️

LilacTree1 · 20/04/2020 21:25

OP “ Before all of this she was completely rational and would always be the one to put thing into perspective”

Cross post. I have a shielding family member and he’s furious about the tone of the correspondence. It’s designed to cause panic and fear and intimidation.

Vgtasd · 20/04/2020 21:25

Awww this is so sad, your poor mum, I think a lot of people are going to feel horrendously depressed and think what's the point, I've felt like this myself, I'm not sure what the answer is but my gut reaction is to ring her, tell her you are worried about her and that you are thinking of coming to see her, maybe just hearing this will help xxx

magicfarawaytrees · 20/04/2020 21:28

Aziothioprine is what I have to take OP sometimes. It gives me every bug going, she does need shielding if she’s on this. It’s awful in general but does sort my flare ups after a month or two.

I’m so happy she can move in with you. Please do this! Without sounding awful how is the toilet situation at yours? Can she have her own? I know this sounds silly but if my chrons was bad this would worry me but I might be embarrassed to say it to someone in real life!

policeandthieves · 20/04/2020 21:30

Agree it is very confusing as NHS letters were sent out based on GP records but the BSG have produced more detailed guidelines - they are the ones now on the Crohns and Colitis website. She can put her details into that to begin with and if it is confusing then email her IBD nurse specialist ( they are usually really good) and they can explain anything that isn't clear.
It depends a bit on the detail but likely she is in the 'moderate' group
Good luck

DellAmorenonsisa · 20/04/2020 21:31

Honestly if neither of you are going out to work and you can commit to going to the shop as infrequently as possible then I would move your mother in with you. Those on this thread who say no only quote ‘the rules’ which I agree must be followed but your mother is already on anti depressants and it sounds like she is getting worse.

Wynona · 20/04/2020 21:34

You sound so lovely Daybyday89. Does your mother have a garden? Is it possible see each other in the open air and maintain a good distance? Just to talk and see the baby?

truthisarevolutionaryact · 20/04/2020 21:34

How nice to find such a thoughtful and supportive thread. Good luck OP - your Mum is lucky to have you. Flowers

june2007 · 20/04/2020 21:36

Best to combine households rather the visits. I will not visit my fil with Crohns.

TiddlestheCat · 20/04/2020 21:37

@truthisarevolutionaryact

Completely agree. Nearly said the same myself.

WombatStewForTea · 20/04/2020 21:40

@magicfarawaytrees

If you're just on aza you may have been mistakenly given the wrong information www.bsg.org.uk/covid-19-advice/clarification-for-patients-taking-azathioprine/

Obviously if you're happy to shield to be on the safe side then go for it but it's a huge huge ask to get people to literally lock themselves away from the outside world and other people in their household

NearWildHeaven · 20/04/2020 21:41

I'm glad to see lots have said what I came to say. I was on an IBD consultant Q&A at the start of the lockdown and Aza on its own is not enough to push you into "High" risk (shielding). Of course you need to take extra care but generally people on this drug with no other issues and not in an active flare should be "Moderate" which could make all the difference to your mum, from a mental health perspective.

Good luck with whatever you do x

Redandblue123 · 20/04/2020 21:42

Yeah just do it,

NoMoreDickheads · 20/04/2020 21:43

It's up to you- she does sound low. But if her mental health is this vulnerable she could benefit from speaking to her GP anyway IMO. xx I know the 'lockdown' is getting to a lot of people, but it'll be especially hard for those who already struggling to some extent. Living with a chronic illness is hard and many people end up also suffering from depression.

DodgeRainClouds · 20/04/2020 21:43

Aww what a wonderful thread! I agree get you mum to move in with you. It’s the lesser of two evils. I’m finding it so hard not regularly seeing my mum and sister. If my mum was struggling like yours she would be moved in ASAP!

BeijingBikini · 20/04/2020 21:51

Surely it's up to her. I would just go. So many people are out having a jolly and not asking Mumsnet about it - do what you need to do, you don't need anyone's permission.