My mum is about to give up

[Daybyday89]

One second, let me brace myself for all the crap this thread may receive

My mum is 51 and is in the high risk category (she has Crohn’s disease). I’m sure most of you know the rules when it comes to vulnerable people - not aloud to leave the house for anything not even exercise, etc. I’ve been doing her shopping as she’s struggled to get a delivery slot for online shopping and I think that way is safer to be honest as at least I know where I’ve been - nowhere!

Anyway, I was on the phone to my mum earlier today and she was telling me how she’s starting to not care. She has been taking extra precautions, ie. putting gloves on to bring in deliveries and disinfecting them, leaving them for a few days before opening etc (some would say extreme, I know) she hasn’t left the house in 5 weeks now. She’s been made redundant and she lives alone. I feel so sorry for her. My heart breaks when I think of her. What makes things worse is, I’ve just had a baby (shes 6 weeks old) and my mum is missing out on her growing up. I send her pictures of course and we face time everyday but my mum admits that its so hard for her that she can’t be with us and it’s so hard for me too. She told me that she’s stopped putting her gloves on to bring in deliveries, she’s stopped disinfecting them, she just doesn’t care anymore and that she wants to see me and the baby. I’ve not encountered anyone and I’ve not been anywhere either, except for shops and out for exercise but I don’t come into contact with anyone! I cross the street when I see people, etc. I know, there is supposed to be a high chance of catching this virus whilst out shopping and I wouldn’t know if I’ve got it, not necessarily for another 10-14 days.

Basically, AIBU by visiting my mum with the baby?

Please go easy on me! If I’m being stupid by even suggesting this, then I won’t do it. I don’t want to put my mum at risk.

Nooooo I’m not saying I have been asked Wombat (not on it at the moment anyway). I’m just saying from experience I’ve been on Aziothiaprine many times and when I am I catch everything. I know without being told that personally I’d be really vulnerable if it was on it. As it stands I’m not so all is good. Touch wood my Chron’s isn’t as extreme as many others, I’m very lucky really.

I also know that my Chrons is a million times WORSE when I’m stressed and can’t get out for exercise and am not drinking enough water. So to me her going to live with her mum living with her is a terrific idea. Her stress should lift massively. As for going out and about, if I couldn’t exercise or walk my chrons would get worse. So it’s an individual decision I feel when it comes to shielding. To me it’d come down to whether I want my chrons to be terrible and potentially lethal/ being hospitalised or risk catching the virus. Horrible choices and that alone would make me depressed.

You are a lovely daughter OP.

Do you have a big house OP? Move her in and just be distant for a couple of weeks, bleach bathroom between uses and don't cuddle at first etc 💕

I'm glad you've decided to ask her to move in with you. That's just what I was going to suggest when I read your op. I'd do the same if it were my mum in that position.

@Daybyday89 That's very kind of you. Thank you. If my DD is like you when she's that bit older than she is now, I'll be very happy!

I can see where the PP was coming from checking if this was possibly manipulative behaviour, especially with your mother giving you the 'don't care' line as that does sound like someone trying to guilt you into doing something - if it's a one-off and not something she'd do normally then that's not so much of a worry.

I don't think she'd be happy with one visit though, so if you are thinking of her moving in with you does your DH go out to work?

It is a really hard balancing act for everyone at the moment and you have my sympathy, OP. Congratulations on your newborn as well! I hope you can find a solution that works for everyone

magicfarawaytrees
Azathioprine is what I have to take OP sometimes. It gives me every bug going, she does need shielding if she’s on this.
Double check this on CCUK website. Some of us have been advised wrongly, including me. You might take a small dose of Aza which isn’t comparable to that of someone who’s had an organ transplant for example, therefore you aren’t immunosupressed ‘enough’. The letter was rushed out and they’ve had a rethink on some cases. It worth double checking.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/guidance-on-shielding-and-protecting-extremely-vulnerable-persons-from-covid-19/guidance-on-shielding-and-protecting-extremely-vulnerable-persons-from-covid-19#who-is-clinically-extremely-vulnerable

I'd be surprised if your mother falls into the extremely vulnerable group. Even people with quite bad Crohn's tend not to be.

You're allowed to provide care to vulnerable persons. If she's lost the will to survive and (appears a little bit to be bug seeking) that seems to be the more urgent risk to her life than the virus. I would visit and keep distance.

I’d have her move in after - just sort out home deliveries in the meantime so once she’s there you don’t need to go out to the shops either.

I also suggest “caring for a vulnerable person” which is in the permitted list of reasons to go out includes visiting someone occasionally for mental well-being, if that person literally can’t leave the house due to shielding. We’ve taken my granny who is 98 and now living with us to see her sister who is 95 and lives alone a couple of times. My granny stays in the car, her sister sits on her doorstep at least 5m away and it does them the world of good and I do not believe there is an iota of risk. The rules nazis would disagree but luckily we are all independent beings so I would go visit.

Thanks guys for assuring me, I’ve not been asked to shield and am in good health with my chrons right now so no need. Sorry if I’ve added to the confusion for anyone else with Chrons though!

I think it would be riskier for your mum to move in with you than for you to visit her (as if one person gets it in your household it will be hard to stop everyone getting it I'd have thought).

I would visit but sit in the garden 2 metres away and chat.

My 17 year old is definitely in the shielding group (Azathioprine plus other factors) but he is refusing. Shielding isn’t mandatory. There are several agencies involved with my son & we have universally agreed that some compromises round the shielding are necessary to preserve his fragile mental health. It sounds to me like you are in a similar scenario in some ways.

My dm is in the highly vulnerable category. I deliver her shopping/meals and sit in the garden. She wouldn't cope without my sister and I visiting.

@Daybyday89 Your Mum is still young- far younger than me. I suggest her moods may be down to the menopause if she's going through that, regardless of Covid etc.

I can't agree with moving her in with you.

Surely if you have a partner/ DH and you both go out for any reason, she is at a higher risk of catching Covid than if she stays at home?

But I also agree she and you need more info on her medication.

I know 2 people on meds for RA- one is supposed to stay at home for 12 weeks, the other is not classed as vulnerable as their meds are low dose and they are in remission anyway.

Can u self isolate before she moves in get deliveries instead of going out-it could be so risky if you move her in whislt youve still been shopping

Go and visit but stay outside and chat through the window?
Or self isolate for a few weeks and then move in together? She needs to keep on with the precautions though or she could put you at risk.
Congratulations on your baby by the way.

I think it would be no hardship to move her in or vice versa

Omg, I would have her move in or vice versa too.
This is no time to be alone, and uncertain about the future. I know because I’m eaten up with anxiety about my own mum who is alone in Spain and getting more forgetful daily. At my wits end as she has forgotten how to use face time and I can’t get it to work, one of us has pressed the wrong nob.
Definitely get together, Life is too short, she is going through awful feelings.
Sorry, getting a bit ott. It’s cos I’m worried for all people on their own, especially elderly x

Honestly OP in this situation I’d go and see her. You have to weigh it up with what you think is best but I don’t think the blanket rule of refusing to see anyone outside your own household is right. I haven’t been seeing any friends or anyone else apart from supermarket shop but I do go and see my mum most days and spend time with her. She is elderly, diabetic and alone and is miserable enough already with this. I worry about her mental health as she said similar stuff and whilst I am taking precautions by not seeing anyone else I think we still have to live life as best we can with each individual circumstances. I don’t feel guilty about seeing my mum and she doesn’t feel guilty about seeing me. At the end of the day I have to prioritise her health and that includes her mental health.

@Daybyday89 - I think having your Mum move in with you is exactly the right thing to do, I hope your DH agrees!

I was very unwell from December last year until March and in hospital (ITU for a large chunk of it) and my DM moved in with my DH and 2DDs. It was hard going for my DH at times, but it meant that our DDs had the extra support and attention they needed whilst Mummy was in hospital and he had an extra pair of hands to play children's taxi driver and do the washing up! I mention it because we found that the saving grace of the situation was using me as a 'vent' for each of them to have a whinge about the other from time to time, and it also meant I could gently pass on advice from one to the other without them having to bring up issues directly with each other. My DH certainly valued being able to let off a little steam every now and then abut his MIL's way of doing things!

If you do go ahead with your DM moving in, I hope it all goes smoothly - and please do come back to let us know how she reacts when you ask her, and how it all goes - good luck!

You are very kind, OP, and DM is lucky to have such a caring daughter. Living together for the time being sounds like the perfect solution. It will be wonderful for her, the baby will have an adoring gran on tap — I hope it makes lockdown happier for you all.

My sister and I have Crohns. She takes azathioprine and has received her shielding letter. I do not and have not.

I’m so overwhelmed by everyone’s responses. This really is a lovely thread! I can honestly say, I didn’t expect to see so many supportive replies and I think at this time in our lives, this is what everyone needs! So, thank you

I can see that a few people are also in my position with family falling into the high risk category (although maybe my DM doesn’t now but I’m going to dig deep into this tomorrow and find out exactly where she stands) and their mental health deteriorating. There really is more to this covid and social distancing that the government haven’t seemed to cover, such as mental health! It’s heartbreaking to think how many people out there are suffering right now due to this, as if this issue wasn't bad enough already.

@NeverYouMind123
We have an averaged sized house but we have 3 bathrooms (no idea why to be honest) which is great so she could use one and we use the others. Although, that doesn’t really matter when we’ll be living in the same house together, haha!

I’ve spoken to DH as well and he completely agrees. I’ll give her a call tomorrow and see what she says.

@WombatStewForTea
Thanks for that, really helpful. I’ve forwarded the first link to her but the second link you put in is the same as the first one, do you have the link to the questionnaire? I’ve tried to search it online myself but I can’t seem to find it.

@Wynona
Ah, thank you she does happen to have a lovely sized garden with patio doors so yes that would be possible also and we’ve been having some brilliant weather too.

I’m trying to figure out what will be best. Whether to move her in with us but that means me and DP will have to change the way we live completely (have shopping delivered etc) which I’m completely willing to do for the sake of her mental health. Or, she can stay at hers and we visit everyday and sit in the garden but just keep a distance. I think doing some research tomorrow about whether she really does fall into that high risk category will help with our decision.

@NearWildHeaven
She hasn’t had a flare up for a good few years now but stress does bring it on which in this situation, isn’t ideal. I’m so glad I posted this thread now as there’s so much new info on crohns.

For everyone saying I’m a lovely daughter, thank you. My mum is an even better mother and has always been there for me! It’s so upsetting seeing her in this position and I would do anything to make it all go away as I’m sure most people would. So I’m just trying to help her really and make this time of her life a bit more bearable.

I wish I could respond to everyone, I really do as you’ve all been so kind! I’ll let you know how I get on tomorrow x

@Daybyday89
Sorry here it is ibdregistry.org.uk/covid-19/

My dad has Crohns, rheumatoid arthritis, type 1 diabetes, and heart issues, and he's 79. So a prime candidate for complications. But he was hospitalised with CV recently and is fine; wasn't in long and not in intensive care.

Just have your mum to stay with you; she sounds like she needs it.