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Original poster

What is a polite way to have somebody stop contacting me so frequently

123 replies

Osiras · 18/04/2020 23:49

I had a friend turn FWB some years ago who has remained in touch on a purely platonic basis, since lockdown began and he has alot of time on his hands he is facebook messaging me most days. It is clear from his messages that he is now "thinking about me" in that way and wanting to chat endlessly.

I'm not interested in him in that way but am fond of him as a person, as an old friend.

I've been replying very infrequently and keeping my replies short and sweet so I don't give him a false sense of interest but it doesn't make much difference to the amount he contacts me.

I'm uncomfortable with the volume as I then find myself avoiding social media because he's waiting around for a reply.

He knows I'm not interested in anything but he is aware that DH and I have gone through a period of separation and I think he has taken that as an open door.

I don't want to be rude and block him because I've known him for a very long time and he has at times been a good friend. He was a huge source of support when I was going through a bereavement (pre DH)

What do you suggest I say to request he stop with the messaging? I don't want to be rude but it is annoying.

I'd like to keep him as a friend but not on this level.

OP posts:
QueenOfPain · 18/04/2020 23:51

Just stop replying or say something direct. His feelings are not more important than yours.

Frozenfan2019 · 18/04/2020 23:53

I've been replying very infrequently and keeping my replies short and sweet so I don't give him a false sense of interesy keep.doing this but decrease the frequency

Have you cheated on your DH with this guy? If so then I think you need to cut him off completely and tell him why. If not and he predated DH or was during a split then just tell him you are trying to make a go of things with DH and frequent contact feels disloyal.

Original poster
Osiras · 19/04/2020 00:01

Definitely no cheating involved, I knew this man years before. The FWB thing had been dead in the water for years before I met and married DH.

When I do reply it is very brief, just me responding in short to whatever he has sent me which is pointless chit chat for the most part.

An example of this is things like "Good afternoon how are you today darling, I've just got in from riding my bicycle and the weather is brilliant. I saw my brother today through the window as I cycled past and he was well. I'm just about to have my lunch soon, I'm having quorn. What have you been up to today? Are you keeping busy?"

Confused

I'm blanking for days at a time then I feel terribly rude as he can clearly see I'm active on Facebook and interacting on posts.

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 19/04/2020 00:01

The best thing to do is just not to reply. Or if you feel uncomfortable with that, then reply to 1 in every 5 (or 10) messages with short responses - no questions or follow up. Even a single emoji would work.
Or you could say you’re having a bit of a difficult time at the moment with your separation and pandemic and would appreciate some space as you’re not up for messaging at the moment.

In all honesty though a man who sees that a woman might be vulnerable during a separation and decides that is the moment to try and pursue her sexually sounds like a bit a prick, ‘friends’ don’t do that.

QueenOfPain · 19/04/2020 00:03

Good god, that example message is awful. I don’t know how you’ve not just told him to fuck off. He sounds terribly beige.

Original poster
Osiras · 19/04/2020 00:07

He is very beige yes, this is one of the reasons I culled the FWB thing. We don't have anything in common at all, although he's a nice enough man.

There has definitely been a big ramp up in contact since he got wind of DH and I having separated for a period of time.

I suspect there are unresolved feelings on his part and he feels now is a good time to make it obvious.

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 19/04/2020 00:08

you could say you’re having a bit of a difficult time at the moment with your separation and pandemic and would appreciate some space

No, don't do this. EVERYONE is having a difficult time at the moment.....

It's that English politeness. (I get It).

By replying you are continuing the contact.

It's o.k. to block someone you know who makes you feel uncomfortable.

RememberTheSunnierDays · 19/04/2020 00:10

You can hide chats or ignore them on Facebook. So do that for a few weeks and if you feel like replying do so at a time that suits you. The person isn’t aware they’ve been ignored.

Sparklesocks · 19/04/2020 00:10

@Iflyaway as OP seemed uncomfortable with being too direct or hurting feelings it was a way to push back without too much confrontation.

RememberTheSunnierDays · 19/04/2020 00:11

Also, turn off your visibility for active. I never have mine turned on!

Original poster
Osiras · 19/04/2020 00:13

I told him last week that my arthritis is playing up and so I'm not able to text chat hoping that would deter him. Did it balls.

I would feel very guilty if I blocked him because other than being a text pest he hasn't done anything wrong and has always been perfectly kind to me.

I am tempted though.

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 19/04/2020 00:14

Sparkles I get it.

I guess at my age I'm a bit more ruthless.... Smile

Sparklesocks · 19/04/2020 00:15

@Osiras ah so you’ve tried the softly softly approach and it didn’t work so I think you’re fine just to ignore him. You told him you’re not up for text chatting, you don’t owe him anything else.

Original poster
Osiras · 19/04/2020 00:16

I forgot to say I have already muted the notifications but I'm very aware that he's still there chatting away whenever I open messenger Grin

OP posts:
TenShortStories · 19/04/2020 00:25

If you don't want to block then just be straight but not unpleasant:

"You've been messaging a lot lately... whilst there's nothing wrong with that is does give the impression of wanting something beyond the platonic. I know DH and I have had a trial separation (or whatever it is) but I want to be clear that I am very much unavailable at the moment and don't expect that to be changing. If you're just bored because of lockdown that's fine, but I really can't keep up with the volume of messaging!"

Frozenfan2019 · 19/04/2020 00:37

I would feel very guilty if I blocked him because other than being a text pest he hasn't done anything wrong

But he is a text pest so that's something wrong.

I would write something general like, "thanks for your message, hope you are well in these difficult times, wishing you all the best. Trying to get things sorted with DH so may not be in touch frequently but will message you again in a couple of weeks" then send him a catch up message two weeks later but ignore any interim messages.

Try and step away from things and think about how you'd feel if a good platonic friend sent you a similar message and didn't then text for two weeks. Would you fall out? NO. The reality is that if he takes offence at you being silent for a couple of weeks then he hasn't got the correct expectations of your relationship. It's not your job to meet his bizarre unrealistic expectations just because he is male.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 19/04/2020 00:41

Why did you tell him about the separation? That sounds like an odd thing to have shared with someone that you are no longer close to, and with whom you have history. Not saying it excuses him seizing upon the info as an opportunity as he has done, just curious how it came about?

He does also sound very dull.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 19/04/2020 00:42

Why are you even replying? That’s weird

You fucked some time ago, your married now, your life has moved on, just ignore ffs

The fact you haven’t blocked him, just makes it look like you enjoy is attention tbh 🤷🏻‍♀️

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 19/04/2020 00:43

Why not just be honest and up front? "Nice to hear from you but I'm happily married and not at all interested in resuming our relationship."

ShleeAnKree · 19/04/2020 00:50

I'd just leave it a week in between replies. Maybe if you feel like it send a longer one, but then leave it a whole week between replies.

I think the frequency is the hardest thing to diminish. So if you send a longer one in anticipation of you not sending a single extra letter all week, you'll feel more in control (less guilty).

You owe him nothing but obviously, it's hard.

ShleeAnKree · 19/04/2020 00:51

I like what @TenShortStories says.

5 seconds sliiiight awkwardness will clear up SO much.

alexdgr8 · 19/04/2020 00:53

i think you have to be careful.
he may well have taken your telling him about the separation as an invitation to treat, ie that you will make an offer that he will eagerly accept.
i think you need to make plain that you are not interested, are busily filling your time, and dont tell him anything about your personal life or feelings.
whats happening with your husband. if he is coming back tell this person so, and make it clear that you are too busy for chit-chat.

Original poster
Osiras · 19/04/2020 00:58

I was replying because his initial messages were perfectly platonic, nothing intrusive, just checking in to see how I was.

I saw nothing wrong with responding to a polite check in but by doing so I have obviously encouraged him so that's why I began to ignore. He then continued to message, and message.

It wasn't me who told him DH and I had separated, he knew from a mutual friend. We are working things through and he's now back in the family home with a view to seeing how things go.

I don't like the attention no, but I'm the type of person who struggles to be direct and didn't want to be horrible by blocking him.

OP posts:
Beeep · 19/04/2020 01:03

If he is a good friend then I’d just tell him. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hi Friend, I have a favour to ask. Could you not text or message me quite so often. You are messaging quite a lot at the minute and I’ve got other things to do. You know how polite I am and I always feel obliged to reply.

Then add in some mundane chat
Then finish with a ‘ok, let’s speak in Week or so’.

suggestionsplease1 · 19/04/2020 01:06

Just continue to leave plenty of time between contact. It doesn't matter that you are on chatting to other people and that he is aware of that, it just helps to let him know that he is not a priority in your world.