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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What is a polite way to have somebody stop contacting me so frequently

123 replies

Osiras · 18/04/2020 23:49

I had a friend turn FWB some years ago who has remained in touch on a purely platonic basis, since lockdown began and he has alot of time on his hands he is facebook messaging me most days. It is clear from his messages that he is now "thinking about me" in that way and wanting to chat endlessly.

I'm not interested in him in that way but am fond of him as a person, as an old friend.

I've been replying very infrequently and keeping my replies short and sweet so I don't give him a false sense of interest but it doesn't make much difference to the amount he contacts me.

I'm uncomfortable with the volume as I then find myself avoiding social media because he's waiting around for a reply.

He knows I'm not interested in anything but he is aware that DH and I have gone through a period of separation and I think he has taken that as an open door.

I don't want to be rude and block him because I've known him for a very long time and he has at times been a good friend. He was a huge source of support when I was going through a bereavement (pre DH)

What do you suggest I say to request he stop with the messaging? I don't want to be rude but it is annoying.

I'd like to keep him as a friend but not on this level.

OP posts:

MissHoskins · 19/04/2020 01:13

@Osiras
Some people don't understand boundaries, look at all the social distancing problems happening right now. He isn't taking any notice of your too subtle hints, maybe just tell him to fuck off and leave you alone. I would, but I'm blunt and I don't really care about people who want to trample all over my asserted boundaries. Being nice doesn't help when someone is trying to walk all over you.

PicsInRed · 19/04/2020 01:28

I'm having quorn.

Cut him dead.

Italiangreyhound · 19/04/2020 01:38

Osiras I am sorry this sounds horrible actually.

I would imagine you are busy trying to get things back with your marriage.

You say "I would feel very guilty if I blocked him because other than being a text pest he hasn't done anything wrong and has always been perfectly kind to me."

However, at the moment he is not being kind. I think you have three options here:
*Block him and be done with it
*Carry on replying once in a while
*Send him a message to just politely say you are having difficulty managing the amount of messages from him.

As you have tried the second option and don't want to do the first, I think I would go for a simple message of being very busy and that so many messages is too much for you.

I'd avoid apologizing (you do not need to) or saying things like 'at the moment' (because this is not going to change.

Good luck.

Original poster

Osiras · 19/04/2020 01:39

Thanks for the good suggestions here. I'm going to ignore completely. I was keen not to offend him by blatantly ignoring but as pointed out I don't owe him a response.

DH said he would tell him to bugger off If I wanted. I said not to bother I'll just ignore completely.

I like the man, he's harmless and was a good friend previously, but it has become clear he's still holding a torch so it's best I stop replying all together.

OP posts:

Original poster

Osiras · 19/04/2020 01:41

X post with you Italiangreyhound

Yes it has been a bit of a PITA. Things like this are problematic for me because I absolutely hate awkwardness and having to be direct.

I'll not be apologising to him for my lack of response

OP posts:

andyoldlabour · 19/04/2020 01:47

I have done this with relations who keep pestering me for advice and stay on the phone for an hour, just speaking over me.
Just think what is more important - their words or your sanity.

CatAndHisKit · 19/04/2020 02:04

OP, I think being (very nicely) honest would have been better, just saying you are absorbed in your personal life now (no need to specify whhether with DH or not) and would like to go bac to infrequent messages.

You can just ignore but then he'll probably bomard you with messages asking 'what's wrong' and what has he done to offend you, etc.
He might turn resentful, after all he was a supportive friend oreviously. If you were to let him known clearly you aer in a r-ship, or just that you are not interested in a relationship, you can still preserve a civil friendly thing with him.

Many people hate being stonewalled (ignored). It can feel humiliating.

Italiangreyhound · 19/04/2020 02:13

"Yes it has been a bit of a PITA. Things like this are problematic for me because I absolutely hate awkwardness and having to be direct."

I am very English in my fear of upsetting or offending people! So I often find it hard to be direct! I do think it is helpful to remember that we do not owe other adults our attention or our time, just because we are friends or we care or we used to care for them.

If their demands are imposing on our lives, we have to prioritize ourselves sometimes.

Dullardmullard · 19/04/2020 02:33

Boundaries, I think you know he doesn’t care about yours.

So block

LorenzoStDubois · 19/04/2020 02:48

Its just a fuckboy looking for fuck.
Ignore him.

managedmis · 19/04/2020 02:51

You're too nice

Tell him you've got gohnerrea (sp?) and to fuck off

Arthritis won't work

wheresthehope · 19/04/2020 02:57

Tell him straight up. Be honest

Outtedagain · 19/04/2020 03:05

You are being unfair to the man, you know he wants to rekindle . Whatever.. put him out of his misery. Tell him you are unavailable. If you don’t want to hurt his feelings directly post a lovely dovey photo of you and your husband.

Italiangreyhound · 19/04/2020 03:13

"You are being unfair to the man" How exactly is the OP being unfair?

She doesn't know he wants to rekindle, but if he does, maybe he is being unfair by not coming out and saying what he would like to happen.

Plus the OP is married and this guy knows she is. Women should not have to post pictures to prove they are not interested in previous friends.

Lou670 · 19/04/2020 03:14

It took me a few minutes to work out what FWB meant. I took it Friends with Benefits?

I would simply spell it out to him as you see it. If he doesn't accept what you saying and continues to pursue it then I would delete him from your social media. That way you are giving him a chance to back off and accept friendship only or nothing at all. The ball is then in his court.

JeSuisPoulet · 19/04/2020 03:43

I had something similar at the very start of lockdown. Guy I haven't seen for around 10yrs popped up asking how I was, isolating alone. He was very insistent that if I needed money he was financially stable with savings which was, I felt, a touch rude. Despite me saying thanks but no thanks several times his messages seemed to get more dramatic with "you know you never need to speak to me again, even if I did lend it to you. I just need to know I am doing good where I can!" which made me feel he might need some therapy. I had to message back that I am sure he had more needy friends than me and that it had been nice to hear from him, "goodbye!" and muted him.
You need to finalise it - goodbye is quite final.

Fredthedoggie · 19/04/2020 03:44

Is he just home alone and lonely?

One of my clients texted me with something really trivial that ended up being a 2 hour jokey/sharing of various posts/twitter conversations. Totally unexpected thing for them to do- but he lives alone and I think the isolation is getting to him.

thepeopleversuswork · 19/04/2020 03:46

As others have said, he's not totally harmless -- he is completely disregarding your boundaries by messaging you like this knowing you are married and is failing to read basic social cues.

I'm pretty ruthless about stuff like this and would probably delete him.

If you genuinely think he could be an actual friend when this is all over you could send him a brief message saying his behaviour is making your uncomfortable and you would like him in the nicest possible way to back off. It doesn't sound like it though -- it sounds like he's angling for a shag.

Otherwise I'd just ignore or delete him. Life is too short.

artistformerlyknownas · 19/04/2020 05:38

Do you want him to still feel like he can contact you but just not as much, or do you want him to stop contacting you altogether? Responses would be vastly different depending on the answer to that!

Savingshoes · 19/04/2020 06:00

He sounds bored and lonely. I would phone him and tell him how you feel.

RandomSelection · 19/04/2020 06:04

Are you sure he wants to rekindle something, maybe he is also fond of you but not in that way? To me it just reads that (as you have said) he was there for you before DH, and he is trying (albeit clumsily) to try and be there for you again. He knows you are having problems and is checking in on you to make sure you are okay, like he did before. He can't take you out for a pint and a chat or whatever he used to do and unfortunately, as you say, he probably has too much time on his hands so is overdoing it a bit. Unless his other messages are more suggestive, as the one about cycling and his lunch are rather dull and certainly don't contain hints of intended romance, I would take him at face value.

Maybe just a message like, "Hey, thanks so much for thinking of me and checking in on me, you're a pal, but I've got some stuff I'm working through on my own just now so I'm going to go quiet for a bit. Nothing personal. Take care!" might work?

Crazyhouse123 · 19/04/2020 07:11

QueenOfPain
His feelings are not more important than yours.

OMG. I'm nearly 50. How has that sentence never ever crossed my mind in my desperate attempts to go through life without hurting people? Keeping quiet when I am desperately unhappy just so I don't hurt them. I mean I know I shouldn't but I do because I want to be "nice".

OP in view of my lightbulb moment...don't be pushed into something you don't want or need. You count too! I think thepeopleversuswork and RandomSelection have it.

Ok, off to have a ponder on my new philosophy!

Susiesuesusiesue · 19/04/2020 07:17

I agree with random. He doesn't seem to be doing anything wrong, you just have a mismatch of friendship expectations. Personally, I think expecting someone to take the hint that you are unhappy by replying infrequently or not replying at all is a bit cruel. You are unhappy because he messages so much, so tell him. You can do this politely in the way Random suggests. If he ignores you being clear and direct, then you have a problem. But give him a chance to change first.

TonyChestnut · 19/04/2020 07:21

I would suggest you need to make a choice: block him completely or tackle this head on. Continuing to reply, however infrequently, is still likely to encourage him there is a flickering candle of hope on the horizon.

Perhaps: Hey friend, you certainly seem to be messaging a lot more often recently and I'm getting the impression you might be hoping for more out of our relationship than I am looking for. It's making me a little uncomfortable to be honest, so could I ask if we can return to how things were a few months ago?

This gives him the opportunity for plausible deniability - and he can save some face - and the chance to return to the kind of online relationship you had before. If he then doesn't change his ways you can always block him - but at least he will then know why.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/04/2020 07:22

I wouldn’t just ignore him. He will go on and on. “Dh and I have reconciled and are very happy together. I really must call time on this conversation now. I hope you find someone else to talk to if you’re lonely. Take care, Osiras.” Then mute.

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