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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What is a polite way to have somebody stop contacting me so frequently

123 replies

Osiras · 18/04/2020 23:49

I had a friend turn FWB some years ago who has remained in touch on a purely platonic basis, since lockdown began and he has alot of time on his hands he is facebook messaging me most days. It is clear from his messages that he is now "thinking about me" in that way and wanting to chat endlessly.

I'm not interested in him in that way but am fond of him as a person, as an old friend.

I've been replying very infrequently and keeping my replies short and sweet so I don't give him a false sense of interest but it doesn't make much difference to the amount he contacts me.

I'm uncomfortable with the volume as I then find myself avoiding social media because he's waiting around for a reply.

He knows I'm not interested in anything but he is aware that DH and I have gone through a period of separation and I think he has taken that as an open door.

I don't want to be rude and block him because I've known him for a very long time and he has at times been a good friend. He was a huge source of support when I was going through a bereavement (pre DH)

What do you suggest I say to request he stop with the messaging? I don't want to be rude but it is annoying.

I'd like to keep him as a friend but not on this level.

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 19/04/2020 07:28

Good lord woman your female socialisation is strong!! Stop caring so much what he thinks, block and ignore. He sounds tedious as fuck.

Sexnotgender · 19/04/2020 07:30

@Crazyhouse123 it’s generally because of female socialisation. We’re trained from a young age to put men first.

Cnoc · 19/04/2020 07:32

I wouldn’t link anything I said to my relationship with my husband, I would just ask him directly to message far less because the volume of correspondence was not something I wanted to maintain at this level.

maa1992 · 19/04/2020 07:33

I have a similar issue with someone who I wasn't even FWB with! Just a friend I had a few platonic nights out with.

Since I got married he messages me the most bizarre stuff as if we had some kind of love affair, I ignored him until eventually he got the message but he still pops up know and again.

I'd try and shut the messages down, don't respond if he continues. If he's not currently in your life then there is no reason too, but then this probably would hurt his feelings? You could say it's not appropriate for you to be messaging him as your married?

I don't know, sorry I could be more help

TutorWoes · 19/04/2020 07:36

He's just using you because he's bored, once lock down is over you'll be dropped like a hot potato. Why jeopardise your marriage by messaging this person?

freelancedolly · 19/04/2020 07:38

I think ignoring is the right thing. There are two different things here and they're not particularly related - one is your history with him and two is the fact that his messages are tedious. Who on earth feels the need to randomly share that they're having quorn for lunch?

canueve · 19/04/2020 07:39

just stop replying, really.

I feel us women tend to try and be nice when trying to say no to a man, but they really have no problem ignoring us when they are not interested.
I understand he's been supportive in the past but do you want to count on him in the future? If not, bye. If yes, then just say you are very busy these days and not able to reply frequently and then just don't reply for days on end and when you do be very short, he will get it.

blubberball · 19/04/2020 07:40

I have similar problems with people messaging me. I just turned my active settings off thanks to this thread. It can be very draining.

rwalker · 19/04/2020 07:41

He's bored TBH got a m8 like that feel tight because he's very socialbe and on 12 week shielding. Half way through a message dropped in you must be bored never chat to you so much . It opened up the conversation to address it .

saraclara · 19/04/2020 07:44

"Sorry I'm being quiet at the moment. DH and I are back together and working on things, so messaging is on the back burner at the moment while we prioritise the relationship. I hope you're doing okay though. These are weird times in more ways than one! Hopefully be in touch again in the future"

RedHelenB · 19/04/2020 07:45

Am I the only one who thinks yabu? He was friend enough to you when you were going through a bereavement but now he's not doubt bored with lockdown and wants to chat you don't have time for him?

HarrySnotter · 19/04/2020 07:49

Does he know that you and your DH are back together?

JinglingHellsBells · 19/04/2020 07:53

You are overthinking this all @Osiras

Just stop replying.

You don't need to block him, just ignore him.

Every time you do reply he's sees it as some hope that you might reply again maybe with a longer reply.

If you ignore him altogether, he will get the message.

HarrySnotter · 19/04/2020 07:59

@saraclara your reply is spot on.

There's no need for all the drama of blocking etc., if you want to keep him as a friend. It's not like he's sending you dick pictures and to be honest I'm not sure how he's giving the impression of being interested in you sexually by telling you he's having Quorn for lunch. Unless that's a euphemism of course.

If he's sending you 50 messages a day then that's different but if he's a good friend then I would just be saying 'for the love of God I get that you're bored but stop sending so many messages!'. If you don't want his friendship, then fine, but I got the impression that you wanted to remain friends until lots of people on here told you just to block him. Just be honest with him without being unkind.

Ethelfleda · 19/04/2020 08:09

The fact you haven’t blocked him, just makes it look like you enjoy is attention tbh

ODFOD Hmm

saraclara · 19/04/2020 08:14

Thanks @HarrySnotter
I just think that blocking and ignoring is unnecessarily harsh. If a friend did that to us with no explaination we'd feel very anxious about it. Life is hard enough at the moment without having something like that to dwell on.

Acknowledging that one's being quiet and will continue to be, giving a brief explanation and making it clear that the friendship is still okay, is effective, but kind. Job done.

HarrySnotter · 19/04/2020 08:17

@saraclara agreed. I just think that pussyfooting around the issue is making it worse. Obviously we don't know what other messages the OP has had from this chap but if it was me I think I'd just be a bit more honest about it.

YeahWhatevver · 19/04/2020 08:18

He sounds very tedious and persistent

I know it's hard OP but you're probably going to need to be quite direct and firm with him.

DontStandSoClose · 19/04/2020 08:28

I'd find it odd if my husband was receiving messages from a ex fwb everyday, I'd question why he was replying even if it was just mundane chat initiated by them. I'm still friends with an ex boyfriend from years and years ago before I met my husband, I would never message him privately, it's odd. All our interactions are public just on fb posts. If I bumped into him we'd be pleased to see each other in a friendly way. If he was messaging me everyday I would think omg what do you want and cool replying very quickly.

I think you stop replying, just switch off notifications, check back in 2 weeks if he's given up, if not just be direct and say you are married and don't want to be messaging everyday (especially when it's just to acknowledge what he had for lunch, Jesus he isn't vanilla he's the cone without the ice cream Grin!)

VanWinkle13 · 19/04/2020 08:29

I'm in a similar position myself, but with a colleague. I'd not long started before the current crisis so I don't actually know him very well. We have a departmental group chat so that's how he's got my number. He will text me 8/9 times without a reply from me. I think he looks to see when I'm online (WhatsApp) as I'll often get a message when I'm texting a friend. I'm married. He's married!

No advice as I've no idea what to do myself.

JudyCoolibar · 19/04/2020 08:31

Send a message saying how you and DH are enjoying all the together time during lockdown and have really rekindled your relationship (even if it's not true).

Nuttyfellalovesnutella · 19/04/2020 08:36

I would stop replying altogether. Any reply, good or bad gives hope.

Or text back saying nice things about DH. If DH ever found out about these messages he would be better inclined. Calling you “darling” sounds like he has alterior intentions.

Straycatstrut · 19/04/2020 08:48

Tell him straight.

LetsSplashMummy · 19/04/2020 08:48

There must be messages more suggestive than the example you posted, which just screams lonely and bored. Could he simply be looking for support?

One hard thing about lockdown is that some people suddenly have a lot of time on their hands and other people are completely overwhelmed. Unlike normal life, where we have control over how full our lives are and friends know the balance, we're all out of sorts. By chance, DH and I are both in the stupidly busy group and our siblings in the loose end group, of course they are contacting us more and we are struggling to keep up.

pictish · 19/04/2020 08:53

In every response you make, however brief, include your dh as a factor.
“Hi. Glad you’ve had a good day. Scott and I did a bit of gardening today.”
“Hi...just relaxing with a glass of wine while Scott cooks dinner.”

Even attach a selfie of you and dh.

“Scott and me enjoying our walk today.”

Etc.

He’ll soon give up.