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Original poster

What is a polite way to have somebody stop contacting me so frequently

123 replies

Osiras · 18/04/2020 23:49

I had a friend turn FWB some years ago who has remained in touch on a purely platonic basis, since lockdown began and he has alot of time on his hands he is facebook messaging me most days. It is clear from his messages that he is now "thinking about me" in that way and wanting to chat endlessly.

I'm not interested in him in that way but am fond of him as a person, as an old friend.

I've been replying very infrequently and keeping my replies short and sweet so I don't give him a false sense of interest but it doesn't make much difference to the amount he contacts me.

I'm uncomfortable with the volume as I then find myself avoiding social media because he's waiting around for a reply.

He knows I'm not interested in anything but he is aware that DH and I have gone through a period of separation and I think he has taken that as an open door.

I don't want to be rude and block him because I've known him for a very long time and he has at times been a good friend. He was a huge source of support when I was going through a bereavement (pre DH)

What do you suggest I say to request he stop with the messaging? I don't want to be rude but it is annoying.

I'd like to keep him as a friend but not on this level.

OP posts:
iVampire · 19/04/2020 08:55

If you haven’t told him that DH is back, then that should be your next message. Plus ‘hope you’re well’

Then look at ways to ignore effectively. As you are unwilling to block, then you need to change your reaction do you’re not bothered. A bit like being on a mailing list that send product reminders too frequently but sometimes has a good season.

OneFootintheRave · 19/04/2020 08:57

If DH is back in the family home then tell him that! Nice to hear from you, former FB. I'm glad you are well. Me and my DH are very much an item atm so I won't be responding to anymore messages. Stay well.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 19/04/2020 09:05

I'd just ignore him. He'll get the message. If you do send any texts in return, for goodness' sake don't put the word 'sorry' in them. He's being a pest and like a PP very rightly said, his feelings are not more important than yours.

MimiLaRue · 19/04/2020 09:07

I'd just stop replying. He'd be a moron to keep messaging- he'd be talking to himself

tara66 · 19/04/2020 09:22

Tell him your phone etc. isn't working/lost/stolen/broken - or you've got a wonderful new man friend etc. and you can't keep in touch any more.

saraclara · 19/04/2020 09:29

Why are people suggesting lying (my phone's broken) or hurtful actions like blocking or ignoring, or 'telling him straight' when it's possible to be pleasant and friendly, yet effective.
OP has said over and over that this is a friend who she does not want to dump, so I'm assuming she doesn't want to be hurtful either

Again:
"Sorry I'm being quiet at the moment. DH and I are back together and working on things, so messaging is on the back burner at the moment while we prioritise the relationship. I hope you're doing okay though. These are weird times in more ways than one! Hopefully be in touch again in the future"

Redpinkbluegreen · 19/04/2020 09:41

I've been the friend that someone gradually replied to less and less and then stopped replying to at all, presumably because they thought I would take the hint and go away. I found it a hurtful approach and it left me feeling rather stupid when I finally worked out what was going on.

I would much have preferred a clear and honest, but still polite, message saying that friend didn't have much time at the moment, or whatever the problem was.

tara66 · 19/04/2020 09:45

@saraclara - But OP does not want to be in contact with him in the future! Lying is less hurtful than the truth in this case.

Allthebestusernameshavegone · 19/04/2020 09:56

I had a similar issue with someone who I barely knew. I used to have a hobby and she joined. I think we only spoke once or twice but she added me as a friend on facebook.
She would then start chatting to me constantly telling me all her problems. It was constant and just getting too much. I had problems of my own, working full time, 2 small children to look after and just didn’t have time for the constant messaging. I barely knew this girl and I feel awful that she was lonely and probably didn’t have many people to talk to but I wasn’t in a position to be able to help her.

In the end I kept her as a friend but blocked her on messenger. I felt bad as since then she’s created numerous new Facebook accounts to re-add me as a friend. But I’ve ignored them. It’s been much better since.

HarrySnotter · 19/04/2020 09:59

I'd like to keep him as a friend but not on this level.

@tara66 she said in her OP that she does.

It's ok to 'tell someone straight' as long as you're not a twat about it. I would like to know from the OP what messages he sent to indicate that he was interested in 'that way' rather than just being bored out of his skull during lockdown.

Kraejka · 19/04/2020 10:01

In all honesty though a man who sees that a woman might be vulnerable during a separation and decides that is the moment to try and pursue her sexually sounds like a bit a prick, ‘friends’ don’t do that.

I agree with this. If it was all about the friendship and not something else, the texts wouldn't have ramped up when DH was off the scene.
My ex behaved like this - even when we were together he'd be trying to get in there with vulnerable women. After we split he took advantage of my Dad dying to wheedle his way back in. Once I shook him off again he was straight in there when a workmate's husband left her.
He sounds like an opportunist.

Just tell him you and your husband are back together and working things out, isn't that great? Or something like that. I bet the texting will greatly reduce after that and if it doesn't just don't reply very often until he gets the message.

Singinginshower · 19/04/2020 10:02

Yes, I agree with PP above, just be honest.
I am being messaged more frequently by some people, I suspect for some of them it is because they are bored and lonely, and some because they imagine I am bored and lonely.
In reality, I am still the same unsociable person I was before lockdown, I haven't ignored anyone, but have said with the worst offenders that I am enjoying having a quiet life etc and tailored an appropriate response.

MadisonMontgomery · 19/04/2020 10:04

I mean, he might just be bored during lockdown 🤷🏻‍♀️ I would reply the same kind of thing back, and I wouldn’t even mention the trial separation, i.e. ‘hi x, glad you’ve had a good day, DH & I went for a nice walk, now having beans on toast for tea’. Just keep mentioning DH casually.

That way you’ll find out if he’s just bored & chatting to everyone he knows for company, or whether he thought you were back on the market with no need to be rude.

EverythingChanges321 · 19/04/2020 10:06

I think ignoring someone is deeply unpleasant and far ruder than kindly telling them you’d rather they not contact you as frequently.
Suggest they limit their messages to a short messaged once a week.

Riverviews · 19/04/2020 10:11

His message sounds boring, but it's hard to be alone for so many weeks. Nothing is happening at the moment, so chit chat is hard, and you are not going to start a message with some deep though about Greek philosophy!

I live alone and that message is not totally dissimilar to some I've sent recently to friends to try and open up a conversation. If they have time, it might lead to a conversation. If not, not big deal.

I would keep doing what you are doing. He was there for you years ago, and I would feel that this is the time to help him feel less lonely by responding to a message every few days.

Having said that, if his messages imply in any way that he's looking for the FWB arrangement again, then I would tell him straight

Fruitsaladjelly · 19/04/2020 10:14

Reply very infrequently and be sure to include details about how happy you are, “DH said the funniest thing, cooked the most amazing meal, spending extra time together during lock down has been so wonderful, hope you enjoyed that quorn...”

saraclara · 19/04/2020 10:15

I've been the friend that someone gradually replied to less and less and then stopped replying to at all, presumably because they thought I would take the hint and go away. I found it a hurtful approach and it left me feeling rather stupid when I finally worked out what was going on.

I would much have preferred a clear and honest, but still polite, message saying that friend didn't have much time at the moment, or whatever the problem was.

Yep. Me too. And I'm still struggling with it. Hence my repeated advice not to do that to someone, when it's really not hard to be pleasant, yet still clear with the message.

JemilyJ · 19/04/2020 10:18

Haven’t rtft but you can change your settings on messenger so you always appear offline to specific people.

ANoiseAnnoys · 19/04/2020 10:24

If you’re trying again with dh I would just stop responding anyway.

Sounds like your friend is alone and horny!

aurynne · 19/04/2020 10:25

How about cutting the bullshit and the awkward excuses (why in hell would you need "exciuses" not to talk with someone you don't feel like talking to anyway?):

"Hi, I am not used to this level of communication with someone I used to know years ago and I don't really feel like answering your messages several times a day. Please reduce frequency to once a month. Cheers!"

FamilyOfAliens · 19/04/2020 10:26

I'm having quorn.

Cut him dead.

My thoughts exactly Grin

Umnoway · 19/04/2020 10:28

He just sounds lonely and bored like many people right now. I wouldn’t bother responding personally.

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/04/2020 10:29

Is he generally very socially unaware/naive? Does he have social problems?

Because I've encountered this behaviour before from adults who don't pick up on normal social cues. They don't generally 'get' that 'no answer means your chat is intrusive', they just think no answer means that you haven't looked at your phone yet.

I think you need to state very clearly and in a way that can't be misconstrued, either through naivety or willfulness, that you are too busy to constantly chat. You have a life and need to get on with it. Don't bring your DH into it, because XFWB will only complain that his messages are innocent and nothing to do with your marriage.

Just an 'I can't talk, I'm busy. Can I get back to you when I have more time?' to leave the door open for friendship, if you really want to keep that on.

Auridon4life · 19/04/2020 10:30

Ask him for money he'll go away then!

Notredamn · 19/04/2020 10:31

I don't know why you wouldn't just just short, periodic replies which include your DH.

So him: 'ramble ramble ramble ramble, what you been up to?'

You: 'DH and I just got in from a walk. Lovely day'.

And always keep the replies closed.

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