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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What is a polite way to have somebody stop contacting me so frequently

123 replies

Osiras · 18/04/2020 23:49

I had a friend turn FWB some years ago who has remained in touch on a purely platonic basis, since lockdown began and he has alot of time on his hands he is facebook messaging me most days. It is clear from his messages that he is now "thinking about me" in that way and wanting to chat endlessly.

I'm not interested in him in that way but am fond of him as a person, as an old friend.

I've been replying very infrequently and keeping my replies short and sweet so I don't give him a false sense of interest but it doesn't make much difference to the amount he contacts me.

I'm uncomfortable with the volume as I then find myself avoiding social media because he's waiting around for a reply.

He knows I'm not interested in anything but he is aware that DH and I have gone through a period of separation and I think he has taken that as an open door.

I don't want to be rude and block him because I've known him for a very long time and he has at times been a good friend. He was a huge source of support when I was going through a bereavement (pre DH)

What do you suggest I say to request he stop with the messaging? I don't want to be rude but it is annoying.

I'd like to keep him as a friend but not on this level.

OP posts:

aurynne · 19/04/2020 10:35

@Zaphodsotherhead but she's not too busy to chat, she just doesn't feel like chatting to HIM, why are women always expected to be nice and hide their feelings? Why should she lie?

aurynne · 19/04/2020 10:36

And why the hell should she need to mention her DH in her replies? I really despair reading these answers.

Zaphodsotherhead · 19/04/2020 10:38

Because @aurynne, she says she wants to keep him as a friend. If she just tells him to piss off, then that option is gone, isn't it?

MarieQueenofScots · 19/04/2020 10:40

Being honest and assertive isn’t the same as being rude.

You can - and should - assert your boundaries without being rude. It’s perfectly ok to say to him you find the level of contact inappropriate.

aurynne · 19/04/2020 10:44

@Zaphodsotherhead where exactly is the "piss off" in my model reply?

HarrySnotter · 19/04/2020 11:47

Hi, I am not used to this level of communication with someone I used to know years ago and I don't really feel like answering your messages several times a day. Please reduce frequency to once a month. Cheers!"

I think that's dismissive and rude. If that's the message the OP wants to give then fair enough but if she wants to remain friends (as she says she does) I don't know why she can't just say 'hi, will be in touch in a few weeks, hope all ok with you'. She says they've kept in touch over the years so he's not a friend 'from years ago' and she still want to be friends with him.

There's no need to really explain much, mention your DH, lie or be rude or over wordy. None of those things are necessary.

Geepee71 · 19/04/2020 11:59

I've had this, someone who messages when they see I'm online, innocuous chat, but it doesn't end, even with closed or non-commital replies.
No history, he's just bored and probably lonely and wants to chat to someone, anyone and it gets old quick.
I don't want to be rude, but equally don't want to chat to him every time I'm online.
Didn't realise I could change my messenger settings, will do that.

Notredamn · 19/04/2020 12:07

aurynne because it's a very easy way to make sure the ex FWB is under no impression whatsoever that OP will be likely to want to rekindle anything. It's the equivalent of OP holding her hand up and saying she isn't interested, as she doesn't want to actually tell him she isn't.

Original poster

Osiras · 19/04/2020 12:20

Thanks for the replies

The reason I suspect he's holding a torch is primarily due to the frequency of messages but also the fact they're always full of terms of endearment. Darling, sweetheart, with three or four kisses tacked on the end. It goes beyond anything I would expect from a friend.

"If you ever want to ring me for a chat i'd love that -kiss emoji-"

There is nothing rude but even if he was after something that wouldn't be his MO anyway.

I do like him as a person and he has been a good friend previously but we live nowhere near one another and haven't bumped into each other in quite some time so the sudden influx of constant messages is bizarre to me. He probably is a bit lonely as he lives alone and his children are adults, whereas mine are small and are keeping me busy.

I can be a bit anti social at the best of times and I'm introverted, I see no point in making contact so frequently with not much to say, but he's telling me about every aspect of his day. What do you reply with when somebody is telling you about their lunch or the fact they got a puncture when out cycling or whatever else? It's all a bit too much.

I agree.. female socialization. I HATE offending people so get myself worked up about things like this.

Direct people don't have this problem I'm sure.

I've just checked messenger and he hasn't sent anything yet today but when he does I'll take on board the suggestions here and politely say I don't want to chat constantly

OP posts:

FelipeFlop · 19/04/2020 14:11

God, he sounds so tedious to deal with. Boring, needy and totally unable to infer from your short replies to him that you’re just not interested. He’s messaging about absolute drivel that has no relevance to you - it’s all a bit self indulgent. Who gives a shit that he ate Quorn?! Why does he even think you’d care?

I totally get that you don’t want to be rude to him. That said, I’m on board with everyone saying you shouldn’t need to make up a story about your DH etc etc to deter him. He’ll only hover around hopefully in the background unaware that you will never have an interest in endless messaging with him / all of the kisses and terms of endearment. I think he’s going to need it spelling out bluntly.

I’d be crabby enough at this point to send: ‘Hi, I’m very busy so I don’t have much time to myself. Finding it hard to keep replying to these messages so could you just message if it’s urgent? Take care.’

EmeraldShamrock · 19/04/2020 14:13

If you feel he has crossed the line block him. It sounds like he has non platonic thoughts for you.

managedmis · 19/04/2020 16:51

I'll be on the edge of my seat to see what happens with this one

BusyProcrastinator · 19/04/2020 17:37

Just post an obviously recent picture of you and DH looking happy or doing something together and his messages will die off quickly

Italiangreyhound · 19/04/2020 18:10

OP glad you feel more planned about what to do.

Totally agree with saraclara "Acknowledging that one's being quiet and will continue to be, giving a brief explanation and making it clear that the friendship is still okay, is effective, but kind. Job done."

VanWinkle13 I think based on your situation I would need to shut that down, it does sound like he is enjoying texting/messaging you and as you say you are both married and he is just a colleague. Are these messages to your phone not part of the group text? If so, I'd say, please direct your messages to the group chat not to me direct." Or something like that.

And I do agree with you 100% aurynne "And why the hell should she need to mention her DH in her replies? I really despair reading these answers."

Me too!

Notredamn · 19/04/2020 18:42

It's not a case of 'should' or 'need' but mentioning the husband is a sure way to knock his notions, and messages on the head. The OP asked in her title for polite ways to stop frequent contact.
The aim behind the frequent contact is because he wants to start something up again. So why not cut it dead in a simple, polite, non ambiguous way, by mentioning DH?

aurynne · 19/04/2020 21:15

@Notredamn "aurynne because it's a very easy way to make sure the ex FWB is under no impression whatsoever that OP will be likely to want to rekindle anything. It's the equivalent of OP holding her hand up and saying she isn't interested, as she doesn't want to actually tell him she isn't."

Yes but, you know, the little problem that theory is, it's just not working. The "friend" (who, by the way, does not seem the OP is remotely interested in keeping contact with) a guy, and guys generally only understand directness, because their ego does not let them perceive subtle rebuffs. I tend to like things that work, so I suggest (and do) things that work, and perhaps that's why I don't have ex flames bothering me with inane chat when I don't want them to. But if you want to continue doing something that doesn't work just because it sounds more reasonable, you know, suit yourself. The OP, on the other hand, may be interested in useful advice.

TAKESNOSHITSHIRLEY · 19/04/2020 21:29

do a del boy and say you are giving me the hump go away and haunt someone else

yes i am watching to hull and back

Notredamn · 20/04/2020 09:44

That's it, @aurynne, let it all out

Original poster

Osiras · 20/04/2020 11:27

Well he's back again lol

I'm probably being paranoid, but he knows I use this website as I've mentioned it many times over the past decade so I'm half wondering whether he's seen the post or has ever tried to "find" me on here.

I found out he had been googling me years ago which I found strange, so perhaps it's not so paranoid?

Anyway I'm going to proceed to put a stop to the constant messages later today, I'm just going to wait a few hours so I'm not responding immediately

OP posts:

boomchikawowwow · 20/04/2020 18:43

Well if he has been stalking snooping you on here it saves the bother of you worrying about offending him.

alexdgr8 · 21/04/2020 17:46

he's sounding a bit like a stalker.
i bet if you were alone, or in need of money, or accomm, he's be there like a flash. i think he wants to be your partner, and he is talking to you with a mixture of endearments and drivel because that to him is how partners interact, apart from rumpy pumpy which no doubt he is also keen to offer. he is trying to co-opt you into being what he wants.
he is living in cloud cuckoo land. be careful. remember emily maitliss

Piffle11 · 22/04/2020 08:12

Stop giving him all the power! He is repeatedly doing something that you do not like, and that is making you uncomfortable… He would have to be an idiot not to realise this, and yet he continues to do it. It’s like he is trying to force you into some kind of relationship – even a text one. Don’t let him! If you ever post anything on FB, make sure you take his name out so he does not see your posts. If he replies to anything, ignore him. Stop trying to be thoughtful towards him! I don’t understand why you are putting his feelings above your own! I was never good with confrontation or being direct, And people would try to take advantage. I made a real effort to stand up for myself, and guess what? No one died! In fact, the people that I wanted to leave me alone did so. You keep saying this man is a nice person: if you never spoke to him again, would it be a bad thing? Judging by what you have written, no. So please stop worrying you are going to offend him – he seems perfectly happy to pursue a relationship with you, despite you being married. I think if you stop this once and for all you will feel so much better. And you know, once you stand up for yourself this time, it will be so much easier the next time you need to do it!

Dizzywizz · 26/04/2020 08:53

How’s it been @Osiras, is he still messaging?

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