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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH communication with teacher

129 replies

lockdownfab · 18/04/2020 19:38

Changed username for this because worried it's outing.

This year we have had quite a lot of problems with DS at school, his behaviour has not been good.
He has formed quite a good relationship with one of the teachers at school and she supports him a lot. My work is quite demanding at the moment but DH works from home so he has been much more in contact with this teacher than I am. She is one of the staff who supports behaviour - sorry not sure what that job role is.

However I am worried about the extent DH is now messaging this teacher. It seems to no longer be about DS and more them just chatting about stuff, they have been emailing over easter and there is clearly nothing to say about DS due to schools being shut and it being holidays.

DH says its important to maintain a relationship with these staff due to them supporting DS and it's nothing out of the ordinary. He doesn't actually know i've accessed his emails and looked at the more recent messages.

Basicallly, AIBU to tell DH to quit it and not email unless it's something specific to do with DS?

In case it matters, DS loves this teacher

OP posts:
Friendsofmine · 19/04/2020 09:56

Not age- they

SummerWhisper · 19/04/2020 10:08

@ViewsAreMine made a really sensible suggestion - to set up the [email protected] type of email. It makes perfect sense even without any issues, so it is completely appropriate to set the account up, send it to the teacher, then apologise to hubby for relying on him to do the lion's share, whilst reassuring him that you will now be able to chip in via this joint email. "So sorry, should have thought of it sooner", etc.

Positivevibesonlyplease · 19/04/2020 10:09

I think it’s a no-no to approach the school or the teacher. This would prove embarrassing for you, as a family. You have to try to make your husband see how inappropriate and unprofessional this is. You could say that you’ve received communication asking that all communication takes place during the school day only, so no weekend or holiday emails. Many schools have that policy in place. Your husband has to see sense and back off. If he starts behaving appropriately, then the teacher will too. I would also mention that bombarding someone with out of hours emails could also be seen as harassment and have a negative effect on your child, rather than the positive one for which he is aiming.

Positivevibesonlyplease · 19/04/2020 10:11

And what @SummerWhisper said!

CalleighDoodle · 19/04/2020 10:30

Just a quick aside.

How would you feel, and how would you want to react, if the person your dh was emailing was your son’s doctor?

TheReluctantCountess · 19/04/2020 10:39

She’s not a teacher - she’s a behaviour support worker,

She’s probably unaware of the boundaries which she should be abiding by.

Standrewsschool · 19/04/2020 11:10

@thereluctantcountess - I disagree. Confidentiality And safeguarding (her as much as dc) is drummed into you in all training. The school will probably have its own code if conduct also.

@calleighdoodlev- same situation. Relating to dc and medical issues - fine. Going outside this remit - not fine.

Standrewsschool · 19/04/2020 11:19

Also agree with above posts about speaking with dh first and together write an email to her saying that you are concerned that the frequent emails, especially during holidays are overstepping professional boundaries. They will be ending due to safeguarding, both her professional reputation, and for dc.

Any future emails will be to both you and dh (and copied into teachers line manager?).

Perhaps thank her for all her help, and I’m sure she’ll appreciate your comments. Maybe also cc her line manager in the email to make it more official, and strengthen the seriousness of it all.

Maybe also higlight to dh all the comments here from teachers and those working in education to show him the boundaries.

TheReluctantCountess · 19/04/2020 12:10

Standrewsschool, I’ve worked with many student support workers who have had no training for the role.

Standrewsschool · 19/04/2020 12:15

That’s worrying.

LolaSmiles · 19/04/2020 12:25

Standrewsschool
I wouldn't be sending any email accusing someone of overstepping professional boundaries and if anyone contacted me saying they were unhappy with me contacting their DH then I'd be a bit confuses, and probably would speak to our safeguarding lead as I'd be concerned I was being dragged into someone else's marital problems. I'd probably also seek guidance on whether it was appropriate for me to continue a close working relationship with the child given parental relationships are key and, for whatever reason, one parent has taken an issue with the nature of our contact.

I've had parents talk about a range of issues at home with me. If a husband contacted me saying he felt it was unprofessional for me to speak to his wife then that would be a red flag as part of supporting the child involves discussion with parents.

We take our cues from the parents so, for example, if a parent told me they'd had a rough time with something then when I next speak to them I would ask how things are, how the child is finding the situation etc.

I think quite a few people on this thread are automatically assuming man and younger female member of staff so there must be something untoward, whilst ignoring the subtleties of pastoral relationships and working with families.
I'm not saying there couldn't be something wrong or unprofessional going on, but it's much less likely than there being conflict and trust issues within the relationship (hence going snooping in emails in the first place). It's probably best to start looking at problems closer to home before accusing someone of being unprofessional.

Idontwantthis · 19/04/2020 12:31

Sorry op that’s not right.

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 19/04/2020 12:43

I would not be happy about this and would ask the communication to be done by me in future.

Redkatagain · 19/04/2020 13:04

This wouldn't worry me. The key was when you said wfh

If he is used to daily chats with colleagues at work as most people are, working from home will have cut out quite a chunk of normal daily banter and chat. She is probably in the same situation.

By chatting with the teacher he is only replacing one set of banter with another. The only difference is that you have become aware.

ViewsAreMine · 19/04/2020 17:32

What @standrewsschool said backs up why sending an email complaining about boundaries may NOT be a decision you'd look back on with a smile.
We have a saying where I come from "you need to help/teach some people how to respect you". In this case you're giving her a lesson without her knowing it Smile.
What @SummerWhisper said was bang on!! The suggestion about apologising to your husband for not setting up the joint account- priceless!! Whatever you do, please preserve your dignity - you're not at fault at all!!

Hope it all works out well.

Stay safe
Xx

Peppafrig · 19/04/2020 17:41

@Paddington68 the teacher is supposed to be the professional here.

Peppafrig · 19/04/2020 17:44

Hope your not letting this go OP and have contacted the head about this teacher . She is so unprofessional and way overstepped the mark and needs to know what is and appropriate .

LolaSmiles · 19/04/2020 17:52

Peppafrig
She hasn't necessarily though.

Lots of staff have been keeping in touch with students and families through the holidays given the circumstances, especially those who have additional needs, extra support, vulnerable students and so on.

None of us can possibly say whether the member of staff has been unprofessional without seeing the emails so posters such as yourself saying go to the head, or email the member of staff about professional boundaries could very well be encouraging the OP to make a tit out of herself by essentially saying to the school "tell you member of staff not to be friendly and stop building friendly pastoral relationships because I lacked trust in my husband, snooped in his emails and didn't like the friendliness".

SummerWhisper's suggestion was a much better way of dealing with it.

LovingLola · 19/04/2020 19:20

Hope your not letting this go OP and have contacted the head about this teacher

I’d hope she spoke to her husband first.

1066vegan · 19/04/2020 21:11

I really hope you don't go straight to the headteacher. She could get into a lot of trouble over what is probably a silly error of judgement, possibly due to inexperience.

Friendly relationships between teachers and parents are really valuable, but the relationship should still be professional and it sounds like the line has become very blurred.

The suggestions of making sure that you are cc'd into the emails or that a joint email account is used, are much more measured and should produce the desired result.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 19/04/2020 21:13

@1066vegan maybe the teacher would get into trouble because she is in the wrong.

1066vegan · 19/04/2020 21:39

@Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal It does sound as if she's overstepped the boundaries but it's hard to know to what extent without reading the emails.

Heads would take different approaches. Some might deal with it fairly informally, explain why it's inappropriate and give her a chance to learn from her mistake (assuming she has acted unprofessionally, which she does seem to have done).

Another Head might go straight down the formal disciplinary route. I do tend to be a bit soft and personally, I wouldn't want to be responsible for potentially getting somebody into serious trouble.

Standrewsschool · 19/04/2020 21:46

But op’s dh wouldn’t be getting her into trouble, the teacher has done that.

1066vegan · 19/04/2020 21:58

Maybe, but for me it's partly a question of intent. We don't know what her intent was and I like to give people the benefit of the doubt.

AcrobaticCardigan · 19/04/2020 22:03

Joint email address is a great idea! I think it’s good to have a good relationship with someone who’s putting a lot of time and effort into your child on a daily basis. Once regular contact has been established it would be a bit weird not to be friendly. Not sure what I think of messaging over Easter hols tho, but it’s hard to say without more details.