DH communication with teacher

[lockdownfab]

Changed username for this because worried it's outing.

This year we have had quite a lot of problems with DS at school, his behaviour has not been good.
He has formed quite a good relationship with one of the teachers at school and she supports him a lot. My work is quite demanding at the moment but DH works from home so he has been much more in contact with this teacher than I am. She is one of the staff who supports behaviour - sorry not sure what that job role is.

However I am worried about the extent DH is now messaging this teacher. It seems to no longer be about DS and more them just chatting about stuff, they have been emailing over easter and there is clearly nothing to say about DS due to schools being shut and it being holidays.

DH says its important to maintain a relationship with these staff due to them supporting DS and it's nothing out of the ordinary. He doesn't actually know i've accessed his emails and looked at the more recent messages.

Basicallly, AIBU to tell DH to quit it and not email unless it's something specific to do with DS?

In case it matters, DS loves this teacher

It is very inappropriate if they are engaging in exclusive chats. Ask him to copy you in to the emails so you can share the responsibility of the communications. Ask him to show you the emails. If he refuses or is selective, you know that he is building an exclusive relationship. Then you tell him what you have seen (try to get copies first). If you don't challenge it now, the bond could grow, then you become positioned as the jealous wife if you haven't already been.

Are they flirting?

Why have you accessed his emails? What makes you think you have any right to read them?

There is no reason why DH and teacher cannot strike up a friendship outside of school matters. I’m friends with a teacher who was head of year for my DCs when they went through the school.

It’s a bit controlling that you are accessing his emails and reading them without his permission or knowledge.

You seem like you would not like your DH to have any female friends at all. Why don’t you trust him? Has he ever given you cause to not trust him? (Past affair)

Extremely dodgy ground for both of them

What is the nature of their messages?

I'm a senior leader in a school and this behaviour is not professional at all. I would speak with the Head/Deputy and being it up informally. I'm sure they'll sort it out immediately and it will stop.

Sometimes less experienced or young staff get themselves wrapped up in communicating too much or not through the right channels. Usually they mean well. I have had conversations with staff about them being too casual and one mention of it alongside the professional expectations they are tied in to normally nips it in the bud.

Just thinking about this again, your issue lays with your husband. You could talk to the head but what would you say? “I don’t like my husband emailing your staff member, please make it stop”

As a teacher I find it odd that colleague would have the time to do this so I am wondering if it is more about your son than you think/want to admit. That said, we are in unprecedented times and the usual 'holiday's is null and void - we worked though them at my school. Safeguarding has been stepped up a bit for all of our students and I am checking in with my tutor group via email weekly. Any students who are already classed as vulnerable (and if your son was struggling behavioural prior to lockdown they would fit our criteria for vulnerability) have even more contact usually with a mentor (a member of staff that student is known to connect with). The students and their families may or may not be aware of this depending on how far down the safegaurding path they are. Under normal circumstances I dont routinely contact my students via email and dont reply to parental emails outside of working hours but this isn't normal times.

Only you can make the call of if the content is inappropriate or not as we cant read them.

I have to agree with @JustOneMoreStep . Very sensible advice

I'm a teacher and there are strict policies in place at my own school (which are pretty generic and I imagine are statutory) in regards to this. Given students are learning remotely, there might be an element of emailing back and forth about classwork and/or the progress of particular students however this should be sent to/from a school email address and not a personal one. We are also only allowed to email during school hours (e.g. 8.50am until 3.10pm). In my school we use a 'virtual classroom' on school360 and all messages coming in/out are viable to all staff too. The things you to need check are: what times are the emails sent (e.g. In the school day), are they sent to a personal email or a school email and are they strictly about the student. If not, then I'd be worried if I were you.

Very very inappropriate nip it in the bud.by emailing her telly g her you think it's inappropriate and if it continues you will go to the head , it's not.professional at.all , is be very uncomfortable if.my husband did this ! X

Is she not listed amongst the staff on the school website? We have a "theraputic team" which includes behavioural management.

But it is very unprofessional of her to be emailing your Dh. She knows and will have signed to say that she understands her role and contact with parents.

Yes to maintaining a cordial and professional relationship with the staff but no to "friends" with the staff. I would ask your Dh to stop and if he doesn't I would report it to the senior leadership team.

I wish think the emails could be able how DS is getting on, dealing with school work say and discussing how best to support him with an eye on how and when everyone returns to work.
She could be the Behaviour Management person or the SENCO.
Best to ask for an update on DS's situation. Ask him to send over the most recent emails and cc you into future emails.
I assume the messaging is only on email not mobile. If mobile, that's odd as no teacher gives out their numbers.
His reaction should give you an indication of his intentions....

Hi. Thanks for all the advice!
I am not on his email now so can't exactly copy exact snippets of emails plus would be very outing. It usually starts off about DS but is also just about what they're up to, pictures of stuff etc. I wouldn't say it's flirty, just more overfamiliar? It's definitely not all about DS and some emails aren't about him at all.
And I guess i just read his emails because I was nosy, some of them are about our DS and his behaviour so I kind of went on to see them and then was nosy to read more!

Very unprofessional and even if it's completely innocent, she's putting herself in a risky position. This would be against the safeguarding policy at my school.

Completely inappropriate.
Have a word with him, he knows it's wrong.

“She is one of the staff who supports behaviour - sorry not sure what that job role is.”

Is she a teacher or a family liaison? Because our school has the latter and his job is to support the adults as well as children.

How is a teacher befriending another adult a safeguarding issue? I know a number of teachers at our primary who are friends with some of the parents. They all happen to be women. Is that the difference?

Have you told your husband that you have read his emails and that you feel he is overstepping boundaries with this teacher?

Ask that he cc’d you into all emails with her, so you can keep up with your child.

I don't think being male or female makes it any different in my experience. Through my whole career as a teacher and now a senior leader, making friends with parents is an absolute no go. Being friendly, of course. It's crucial. But friends that you share your life with and learn about theirs? No way.

I can understand in small communities that parents and teachers can be friends before there is a link there and they have already established a relationship. However, I've always worked with policies (in several schools) that any kind of relationship should be declared to avoid conflict of interest.

I have also worked in schools where the teachers enrol their own children and they never teach them, never discipline them and if at all possible, the other partner attends meetings and raises any complaints.

It can become very complicated when things go wrong.

You are suspicious because he is a man...if it was you doing the emails he wouldn't be bothered would he?

What are the emails actually about? Maybe someone with experience of teaching in this role can comment but it certainly seems odd to me. I can't imagine having a chatty email exchange with one of my DC's teachers over the Easter break.

And I guess i just read his emails because I was nosy,

You have absolutely no right to do that. It is wholly unacceptable to invade his privacy like that; his emails are none of your business. That is an awful violation and a huge red flag.